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Inside the Criminal Mind -- Building Your Vocabulary
Dear Ms. Handy,
Do you remember me? Brian Stokes? When you knew me, I was a short kid with sandy hair. Many others were, but I was funny back then. Of all the kids in your fourth grade class, I was the one who made you laugh the most. One Halloween, I came to school dressed as the Palmer Method, and you said, "Brian Stokes, of all the kids in this class, you make me laugh the most." I remember everything you said. I suppose you could say that I had a little crush on you.
Halloween was great, and Christmas was even better. For Christmas, I gave you a gift certificate to Mina's Ice Cream, and I sometimes imagined that I went there with you. Then, in late January, it all came to a crashing halt. It was reading time, and you were sitting with me. We came to a word in the book I didn't know. "What does this mean?" I said. You were in a bad mood. I'm not sure why. Maybe you went to use my ice cream gift certificate and Mina didn't have your favorite flavor. But you snapped at me. You said, "There are dictionaries on the shelf, Brian." I knew there were dictionaries on the shelf. I just wanted your help. And you didn't help. You didn't love me. My little heart broke.
The word that you wouldn't help me with was "ironic." Because of that moment of cruel disregard, Ms. Handy, my broken little heart and I have spent the last twenty years trying to define that word. Not simply to repeat the definition offered in the dictionary, but to create real-life tableaux that demonstrate a deep understanding of its meaning. I was the one who founded the local theatre company whose entire repertory consisted of O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi," and I even played Jim in the inaugural production. I was the one who once stood there laughing after I saw a man run over by an ambulance. I was the one who proposed the idea of a Midget Basketball League, though I abandoned that scheme when I decided it was less ironic than exploitive. Following the dissolution of Cincy TinyBall, I sank into a deep depression. I began to use drugs. All I wanted was to breathe life back into that sandy-haired little boy who loved you, and yet I could not.
Then one day, mid-nod, it came to me. I think I have finally done it. I was using drugs -- I mean, I'm an addict by now, so it's not like I can stop -- and I got in the car, the needle still in my arm, and I drove through town and then crashed my car right into the side of the drug treatment center. If that's not ironic, I don't know what is. As the police led me away, I mentally calculated your current age. I believe that you were probably 22 or so when you taught us fourth grade. That would mean that you are now in your early forties. Will you have me now? It might please you to know that as a result of all the heroin I look far older than twenty-nine.
Love never dies,
Brian
"Something Extraordinary"
From the author of Superbad and Superworse, a new collection of stories about giving, wanting, and the wonders of love. Get the details
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Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 1)
1. I guess we should feel sorry for Brian. After all, his teacher was the one that decided to put a needle in his arm. He had nothing to do with it. Listen, life is about choices. Choices have consequences. You make your bed, you lay in it. I'm sorry, all these phony compassion hypocrites make me sick. Some teacher is supposed to have led this kid down to drugs, because she told him to use a dictionary and broke his little heart. Sounds like he has a broken little brain.
dcrosetti at 12:39PM on Jul 21st 2007
2. Although I have no doubt the situation with his 4th grade teacher was certainly problematic, this type of situation is very common for us all. If it was truly traumatic for him, which I believe it was, then there was a lack of 'normal' emotional coping tools present to begin with. Although that lack can sometimes be attributed to enviroment, it can also be something some people just seem to be 'hard-wired' with (or without). If it hadn't been the 4th grade teacher, it would likely have been someone or something else later. It's all too easy to 'judge', but seemingly impossible to cure. My heart goes out to him, his family and others like him. It's no way to live.
Lauren Basile at 1:32PM on Jul 21st 2007
3. I'd have to know much more about Brian's history and his family before coming to any conclusion about him. And, in passing, I remember doing things during my adolescence which could have gotten me in hot water if the authorities learned about them. Therefore, i can't say anything judgemental in this case.
Horace Gaims at 2:28PM on Jul 21st 2007
4. Events happen in our life that mold our world and what it means to us as an individual.
This story happened to each of us and in the moment of the story we make it mean something.
They don't love us
I am not enough,
I cant do it.
And we live inside this story forever. It is the driving force to our lives.
If this story is true or not it represents what happens to all of us.
Then you have what is called a break thru in this area of your life make a new decision and your whole view on life changes and your are free..........I truly believe most of the criminals in this world are frustrated and angry, they feel unloved and they are just out to get revenge from an original upset. That's my story...
So when I see someone hurt others I know they are hurting.... What has them be so destructive usually is just a child hood decision or upset. And we don't realize the impact a childhood decision has on the rest of our life. Just remembering the incident could be a break thru and a new way of life emerges. Like this guy could forgive his teacher and possibly have no urge for drugs...........Or he could have a conversation with his teacher and let him know how he felt that day in the class room.
renee at 6:28AM on Jul 22nd 2007
5. Wasn't it Ted Bundy who said that it was ironic that he became a serial killer because his 4th grade teacher (Now 72) didn't give him a band-aid for a paper cut? "You know where the band-aids are Teddy" she said. That little bitch.
peter at 10:35AM on Jul 22nd 2007
6. A female teacher,age 22,in charge of 4th grader...
oh, poor Brian, poor me.
She has that dark hair, big eyes, long eyelashes, sweatest voice...her cloth were so fit that I can see the shape of her bra & briefs, I think. What she teaching? don't remember,just love her present that caused me short-breathed all the time.
That's when I decide to love female forever.
jax at 4:17PM on Jul 22nd 2007
7. Sometimes I'm frightened by the fact that I'm the only one who apparently gets you and the point of your blog, Ben. Hold me, I'm so scared.
At any rate, cling to this 'Brian', you got it righter than Alannis Morisette!
JesB at 5:10PM on Jul 22nd 2007
8. I can relate 2 that , I had a german instructer N algiba sic who spke sic wit a thick accent and because I could not deciper this he gave me a red 5 wit a circle around it mean'n I failed, but later on n A summer skool class wit my peers they were able 2 teach me wat he could not, and I used heroin and every other drug that was made too cause we thought that cigrettes and drug would expand R consciencenss sic by the advent of persuadive illushions sic, now days the govnt, and private sectors think they can reed yo thoughts by screen'n us wit piss test that profile a gang of people out of high pay'n jobs
ImamKashif at 10:46PM on Jul 22nd 2007
9. You are not the only one, JenB...I'm slightly alarmed that others did not seem to grasp that the entire blog is meant to be ironic. The events detailed don't have to be real events, not if the purpose is satire. He writes that he has spent his life trying to re-create a "real life tableaux that demonstrate a deep understanding of its meaning." I could be overreaching, but i'm pretty sure he's telling us its all B.S. when he said that he was the Palmer method for Halloween ( a method of handwriting that's all about confromity). Come on people, its not Shakespeare.
Celeste Conroy at 11:08PM on Jul 22nd 2007
10. Crap.
pete at 12:35AM on Jul 23rd 2007
11. The rest of the story: Miss Handy, desirous of ending his obsession, decided to visit Brian in prison. Due to a mixup, she was ushered in to a meeting with Toecutter Graham, with whom she was instantly smitten and soon wed, breaking Brian's little heart once more. On the bright side, Toecutter, at her urging, stopped raping Brian and even passed on a carton of Marlboros.
Jill Jones at 12:57AM on Jul 23rd 2007
12. that's the dumbest f****ing story I've ever read
chris o at 3:07PM on Jul 24th 2007