Murdoch won his bid, and we all know what that means: Wall Street Journal staff, you better start making with the punchy headlines. Today's WSJ was so drab! So plain! So fact-y! So, editors, let's get to Foxificating. But first, a quiz about your new sister property:

Which is a real Fox News.com headline today?

a) Dog Shoots Man!
b) Man Attempts Suicide by Chaining Self to Tree!
c) Teen Charged for Trying to Steal Woman's Fetus!
d) Car Chase Leads to Dead-Cat Find!
e) Sweaty Chinese Man Electrocuted by Computer!
Trick question. They all are.

OK, now let's start converting those boring headlines of yours.

"Time Warner Posts 5.2% Rise in Net" will now be . . .

• "Author Says Wife Dumped Him For Ted Turner!

"Putting a Muzzle on Guzzlers" will now be . . .

• Same headline, but now about Australian bras for men (with video!) instead of fuel efficiency.
  

"Bear Stearns Hit Again by Mortgage Woes" . . .

• Now: "Welfare Queens are Taking YOUR Money!"

"Bernanke Holds Conservative Mix of Assets" . . .

• Now: "Bernacke's Barenaked (and Red Hot) Optimism Fuels Dow"

"Facebook Pulls Audio Service From Web Site" . . .

• "Facebook Drools. MySpace Rules."

"Murdoch Wins His Bid for Dow Jones" . . .

• "Booyah!"

Better get cracking. You don't want Murdoch siccing Andrea Peyser on you people.