Dear Mr. Walsh,

The other day I entered a guilty plea to six offences: setting fires at your home, threatening to set more, and intimidating a witness in the case. Why would I do that? Simple. Because I did all those things. I set fires at your home, threatened to set more, and intimidated a witness in the case. Who did it? I did. Are we all clear on the facts here? I hope so, because I have a few more facts. The name of the man who heard my threats regarding burning down your house with petrol was Darren White. The name of the man who heard my threats regarding an elaborate petrol bomb was Robert Thomas. I was then forced to threaten Robert Thomas when it looked like he might give a statement to an inspector. When I threatened Robert Thomas, I was trolleyed.

But facts are only half of the grapefruit, as the inspectors around here say. Motive is also part of the grapefruit, though maybe not quite half. And then there's ability, which is part of the grapefruit; opportunity, which is part of the grapefruit; and spoon, which sits next to the grapefruit and has little teeth on the top of it to help separate the pulp of the fruit from the rind. With so many parts to a grapefruit, where do you go first? Let's go to motive.

In this case, the motive that has been reported in the press is, for once, entirely accurate. I was dischuffed with you, Mr. Walsh, because when I worked for Rugby Borough Council as a recycling carrier, you sacked me for poor attendance. Poor attendance? Of course my attendance was poor: I was out purchasing the materials to make a petrol bomb so that I could set your house on fire. I mean, the companies that sell those materials are businesses just like ours. They keep the same business hours. Do you think it's fair to ask them to open especially early or close especially late on account of one customer? What kind of plonker expects that kind of special treatment? Not me. Ergo: I had to miss work to buy the petrol-bomb material so that I could set your house on fire when you sacked me for poor attendance. Which I knew would happen because I was missing too much work to buy the materials. I can hear your nancy voice now, explaining to me that my reasoning is circular, that if I hadn't missed work in the first place then I wouldn't have been sacked and so would not have had a reason to set the fire. That's cobblers, Mr. Walsh, you prat, sir. It's that kind of thinking that gets a man's house torched.

Yours,
Peter Phillips