I won't be reading Skinny Bitch. I love meat and I have a freakishly high metabolism. Plus I only take Posh's recommendations on historical fiction.
But I can guess why everyone's snatching it up: The obesity crisis is so grim - one-third of us obese, two-thirds overweight - that if anyone can inject humor into the discussion, things might seem a little less dire. Most everyone agrees that America needs to lose weight - and lots of it. Our life expectancy now lags behind 41 other countries.
And yet ... I'm conflicted. Not every overweight person should lose weight. My trip this past weekend to Minneapolis was bookended by the downside - and the upside - of fat. I'll explain...
***
To get to JFK airport on Friday, I decided to take the train and save $60 in cab fare. When I got on the train there was only one unoccupied seat in the car, at the right side of a very fat man. But the man was taking up more than his seat, his stomach sprawling, spilling onto the empty seat - like lava flowing from Mount Saint Helens. I went and stood over him. He looked up from his Sudoku puzzle, his eyes half open, took a deep breath, and with great effort leaned his body onto his left (port side) buttock. As the train car creaked, a good deal of his stomach rolled back from the "empty" seat, providing a small space for me.
I thanked him and sat down. But because it was still only three-quarters empty, I was squeezing into a too-small space - and caught my pocket in the armrest to the right of my seat.
Riiiiipppppp. Along the right side of my Moschino khaki trousers, a horrendous tear opened up.
Above: The tear in my Moschino trousers, courtesy of the fat man.
When standing, the damage was less noticeable. (Those are threads around the tear, not hairs.)
I was furious at the man. I wanted him to see the tear himself, to acknowledge what he had done to my pants, so that he would never forget! But to turn my body around in that small space, so that he could see my exposed right buttock, wasn't worth the effort.
Yet in my anger at him - and at the many overweight people who've crowded me over the years (have you flown out of O'Hare?!) - I suddenly had a flashback:
In the late 1970s and early '80s I accompanied my parents to a number of grownup Christmas parties. I loved grownup Christmas parties for one main reason: the Christmas cookies! The thin tree-shaped cookies with green and red sprinkles would make me tremble with ecstasy. I couldn't stop gobbling them up off the tray, throwing back Hawaiian punch like a lush, to wash them down.
Christianity may not have a perfect history. But as far as I'm concerned, Christmas cookies more than make up for the Crusades.
I remember one party in 1979, in Northern Virginia - before NoVA was yuppified and stripped of character. I wore a tan Pierre Cardin suit and, precocious 10 year old that I was, I made my usual chit-chat with the adults: "I bet the Iranian hostages will be released before next Christmas!" I chirped.
As was customary, most of the grownups got tired of indulging me. But sitting on the sofa there was one woman who invited me to sit next to her. She was an older woman and she was big. Not just big-boned, but big-butted and big-breasted. And strong. A proud country woman, the kind who oversee weekend flea markets with military authority, undaunted by heat, mosquitoes, or brittle bargain-hunting city women. Tonight she was wearing her holiday best, some sort of green damask, her dark hair in a modified beehive. (Imagine a woman in a Far Side cartoon.)
I sidled up to the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman, eating my cookies and yapping away: "When Amy Carter goes to school, she has Secret Service agents!"
"Now is that right?" she asked, her accent thick, her mountainous chest heaving up and down as she laughed.
But pretty soon, the sugar hit me - and I started to crash. I wanted nothing more than to lie down ... and sleep. But where?
"Babies who live near Three ... Mile ... Island ... have ... an ... extra ..." I trailed off, half a cookie dropping onto my lap. I had no more energy.
That's when the GBVCW came to the rescue. As my eyelids fluttered shut, she mobilized: she put her arm around me, gripped my shoulder with her paw, and pulled my head into her breasts. And I plunged into dreamland.
Her bounteous Old Dominion boobs were bliss, nirvana, heaven. I slept for only 20, 30 minutes tops. But it was probably the deepest sleep I'll ever have. Her breasts could have cured the worst sufferer of sleep apnea! Had the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman been thin, even normal weight, she would have been useless to me at that critical moment. If a picture existed of the GBVCM, I'd post it.
Luckily my weekend to Minneapolis-St. Paul ended with another brush with the same kind of woman.
The flight back to New York aboard Sun Country Airlines was full. I spent the whole time reading, until the snack cart rolled to a stop by me. I looked up - and that's when I saw Barb.
Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb didn't have quite the height of the GBVCW, but she projected the same power - with a funky twist. She wore cat glasses, but with clear frames, and a pair of dangly earrings. (The modern American woman's rejection of dangly earrings is a scandal and the subject for a future posting.) Her hair was short and she had lots of arty jewelry on her wrists and fingers. Otherwise, she was good old-fashioned Germanic girth, Teutonic tonnage. As wide and steady as the Battleship Bismarck. (The Royal Navy would stand no chance against this vessel.) Barb was beautiful.
I rushed to pull my camera out of the overhead. Then, conscious of the presence of an air marshal somewhere on the plane, I very carefully tried to take a picture of her.
Above: Barb getting ready to toss a Turkey Pastrami sandwich and cookie at me. The look of consternation on my face is meant to suggest to suspicious passengers that I'm simply trying to take a self-portrait. In fact I'm trying to get a shot of Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb (AB3).
I took a great risk in getting this picture of Barb. (Across the aisle sat a Nordic-looking St. Paulite. He seemed nervous when I began playing with my camera. I was convinced he was about to tackle me.) But I wanted my readers to get a sense of AB3.
By the end of the trip, I was cranky, my neck was aching, and I wanted nothing more than to sit on Barb's lap, my face in her breasts, and sleep. (Presumably we'd need a seat belt extender to strap the two of us in for landing.) Of course that didn't happen. But it was my fervent wish.
I guess what I'm saying is, I understand America needs to lose weight. But what will happen to all the women like GBVCW and AB3? The culture could indeed lose something important.
Do you have relatives or family friends like these two women? Have they given similar comfort at tired, cranky times? Please share your remembrances of generous big women with gigantic breasts!!
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 10)
16. Well, im a chubby girl and i have a chubby silky cussy 'pillow' between my thighs :P ..figure that one. :P
J.Yvonne Bawadikji at 4:30PM on Aug 14th 2007
17. hehe, it's nice to know that some people take comfort in we larger women.
And really, what fun would the world be if everyone were the same? I've seem women who are HUGE and beautiful and skinny and beautiful. It's the variety that makes it all the more exotic when you find beauty. It's unique.
It's the fake, plastic, built by a surgeon beauty we should all be rallying against, not 'skinny bitches'
H at 4:33PM on Aug 14th 2007
18. My mom is overweight and has been for a while. I have always been sensitive about it, when I here people use the word "fat". I am a petite person and have been respectful of my mom and her struggle with her image. I have to admit, there was no better pillow than my mom.
In response to the comment about Trump calling Rosie a pig, he is disrespecting his wife who is also a woman, maybe he calls her "piglet".
I wish that people had the mental ability to put themselves in others shoes, it may help you.
Sunny I. Jones at 4:35PM on Aug 14th 2007
19. I loved this! It reminded me of my mother and how soft and cuddly she was. Mama was all of 5'0 and wore a size 26. She had a round face, beautiful skin, a bright smile and open arms. I am sure that I slept comfortably in her lap as a small child but when I want to comfort myself now, at 45, I like to remember how it felt to be riding down the road and letting my head fall against her arm as I drifted off to sleep. It was warm and full and soft, like a big pillow. In fact, it was better than some old pillow because I would feel completely safe and unconditionally loved. And it's that feeling that I am holding onto when I think about lying against Mama's arm. Thank you for reminding me of this feeling! Mama tried all her life to lose that weight; always trying some new diet and I think that she probably suffered from depression because of her weight. I think that she knows now (she passed away many years ago)that it was the fat on her arms that makes her only daughter fill up with love!
Alisa Gilfillan at 4:40PM on Aug 14th 2007
20. Thanks, Mo. Being fat is like being old - it's only a physical aspect. It doesn't describe your personality or dreams, just the external self. It's when you allow the physical appearance to dictate how you act and how you feel that it becomes a problem.
Marta R. at 5:02PM on Aug 14th 2007
21. Those Nordic-looking St. Paulites will just show up anywhere, make you feel guilty and emotionally from four feet away keep from having any fun.
Michelle at 5:01PM on Aug 14th 2007
22. "miss ally" and "patty"
You said: "No one discriminates against thin women."
Soo untrue. I am 5'9"/115lbs. I am skinny as hell, yes, but I am still healthy. Yet I am constantly told that I look sick, that I need to eat a pie, that I should go see a doctor, etc. Regardless of whether you are viewed as over- or underweight, you get the same amount of flack from people who have nothing better to do than give you a hard time. I'm tired of everyone saying that skinny people aren't singled out, because we are. Haven't you read the tabloids at all? Everytime a celebrity drops weight it is all over the place. Need I say more? So give it up. We get the same kind of treatment you do.
rakkon at 5:34PM on Aug 14th 2007
23. So the only use of a fat woman in your eyes is to be your pillow. I can't imagine being more ofended by someone I respected. Thanks mo!
JEM at 6:03PM on Aug 14th 2007
24. people who are overweight are simply FAT and lack self control. so you don't get your panties in a bunch that includes me. so stop using the "slow metabolism", "eating disorder", or similar LIES. acknowlege the FACT you OVEREAT, you EAT THE WRONG THINGS, you EAT LATE IN THE DAY, you DON'T EXERCISE. simply stated -- YOU ARE A FAT PIG. and until we stop our excess vices and exercise WE WILL CONTINUE TO BE FAT PIGS.
clay at 5:27PM on Aug 14th 2007
25. Mo, I love you. I am one of those big/fat girls. though I am not tall, just very short and very chubby. I have never had a problem getting a date, ever. Often curious, I ask men what is it they love about big women. And like you, most can relate their feelings back to the days of childhood when they too laid their head in the robust and meaty lap or on the bodacious bust of their family matriarch. They felt loved, comforted, and nutured. And to this day, that is what they want in a woman the most.
Welcome to the dark side Mo. And you haven't even experienced half the pleasure. or have you? hmmm.
lynn at 5:46PM on Aug 14th 2007
26. Mo,
I am well endowed in the breast department just like country gal and Barb. I admit I have never had a complaint from a man in my 43 years. Many a child or friend in need of a hug or cuddle has commented on the soft place to land! I agree that the cushioned and comfortable support and love of the big breasted women out there makes this world a better place. For those of you that have never experienced it for yourselves make it an item on you "things to be done before I die" list. For my big breasted sisters out there I love being one of you and don't care what anyone else thinks about my beautiful zaftig frame. I treasure what god gave me!
Kellie at 5:45PM on Aug 14th 2007
27. >
Wow! Such vitriol, combined with an appalling amount of ignorance!
Clay, do yourself a favor. Look up Cushing's Disease and get a freakin' clue.
I was always thin, and even worked as a lingerie and swimsuit model. Then, very suddenly, I gained 60 pounds because of an adenoma (tumor) on my pituitary gland. My metabolic rate was measured at 300 calories a day, meaning that I could starve and still gain weight. Treatment for the tumor did the trick, and I lost the weight, but I gained a new perspective.
Metabolic disorders DO exist, as do a variety of other medical problems that cause weight gain. If you find yourself needing to be so nasty about someone else's weight problem, it says a lot more about YOU than the other person.
Clay, it's a shame that you can't find a way to lose the fat that is obviously filling your head.
Tanya at 5:44PM on Aug 14th 2007
28. yep, big chests are comfy. it goes two ways of course, my husband is literally jack sprat while i am myself 'pleasantly plump' so i do miss the ability to have a soft place to rest my head when i am sleepy. plus, both of us eat the same amount and his idea of exercise is reading a book while mine is hiking, but thank god people all come in different shapes and sizes otherwise we wouldn't have nice little topics like this to debate.
also, to the folks out there that are assuming "skinny" chicks are giving you dirty looks, maybe they are jealous of your large soft bosoms and butt, ever think of that? some people are just thin by nature. some have to work hard to be thin. what matters is being happy and not comparing yourself to anyone else.
and mo, thanks for the visual aids.
jenny at 6:08PM on Aug 14th 2007
29. MO!! WHITEY TIGHTIES?!
COME ON. GET SOME BOXER BRIEFS.
NOW TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND.
IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT HEAVIER WOMAN HAVE BETTER SEX THAN THERE SVELTE COUNTERPARTS. SINCE SEX BEGETS PROCREATION ONE WOULD ASSUME THAT BETTER SEX=MORE SEX= MORE PROCREATION. YOU PROBABLY HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR HEAVY WOMAN BECAUSE THEY ARE PRIMORDIAL MOTHER FIGURES IN YOUR EYES. THIS WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN YOUR DISDAIN FOR THE FAT MAN. I AM NOT SAYING THIN WOMAN ARE NOT MOTHERLY ( I AM A MOM AND NOT OVERWEIGHT) BUT THEY DON'T EMOTE THAT FROM GROWN MEN.
REDGRRRL at 6:08PM on Aug 14th 2007
30. This was really funny Mo. I enjoy your skits on the "Daily Show" and the one from last night on the "Tonight Show" (especially that scene where you chased the bus driver down the street.) There is nothing wrong with people who are big boned due to matters they can’t control. The concern lies in people who are obese or Anorexic because they wish to eat anything and everything that appetites them or nothing at all. If you are ok with the negative health issues this will bring, then fine continue eating or don’t eat at all.
Children should not have this option. We need to give children time to develop and mature long enough to know the risks of this lifestyle. Don’t judge Doctors and Dietitians for worrying about the unhealthy eating trends in America. They are truly concerned about the Health issues and not the superficial side of things. It’s true the skinny people get judged too (as stated by Cachi), not only by the big boned but by the medium sized people too (I know cause I've been judged for being a little big boned and for being thin.) I've had big boned women get mad at me because I'm not attracted to them. I'm also not attracted to unhealthy looking skinny women. But from my experience the big boned have a higher tendency to get aggressive because of this (maybe its cause they can beat me up if they wanted to.) If you are fine with it, then don’t worry about what others think. Everyone is guilty of some sort of discrimination or stereotyping (I’ve seen big girls judging slightly bigger girls.) As long as we don’t let this affect who gets hired or who we are friends with, other than that everyone is entitled to their opinion (when asked for it.) Please remember not to get offended if someone finds you unattractive. Just like you have a choice others have it too.
Arg at 11:52PM on Aug 14th 2007