I won't be reading Skinny Bitch. I love meat and I have a freakishly high metabolism. Plus I only take Posh's recommendations on historical fiction.
But I can guess why everyone's snatching it up: The obesity crisis is so grim - one-third of us obese, two-thirds overweight - that if anyone can inject humor into the discussion, things might seem a little less dire. Most everyone agrees that America needs to lose weight - and lots of it. Our life expectancy now lags behind 41 other countries.
And yet ... I'm conflicted. Not every overweight person should lose weight. My trip this past weekend to Minneapolis was bookended by the downside - and the upside - of fat. I'll explain...
***
To get to JFK airport on Friday, I decided to take the train and save $60 in cab fare. When I got on the train there was only one unoccupied seat in the car, at the right side of a very fat man. But the man was taking up more than his seat, his stomach sprawling, spilling onto the empty seat - like lava flowing from Mount Saint Helens. I went and stood over him. He looked up from his Sudoku puzzle, his eyes half open, took a deep breath, and with great effort leaned his body onto his left (port side) buttock. As the train car creaked, a good deal of his stomach rolled back from the "empty" seat, providing a small space for me.
I thanked him and sat down. But because it was still only three-quarters empty, I was squeezing into a too-small space - and caught my pocket in the armrest to the right of my seat.
Riiiiipppppp. Along the right side of my Moschino khaki trousers, a horrendous tear opened up.
Above: The tear in my Moschino trousers, courtesy of the fat man.
When standing, the damage was less noticeable. (Those are threads around the tear, not hairs.)
I was furious at the man. I wanted him to see the tear himself, to acknowledge what he had done to my pants, so that he would never forget! But to turn my body around in that small space, so that he could see my exposed right buttock, wasn't worth the effort.
Yet in my anger at him - and at the many overweight people who've crowded me over the years (have you flown out of O'Hare?!) - I suddenly had a flashback:
In the late 1970s and early '80s I accompanied my parents to a number of grownup Christmas parties. I loved grownup Christmas parties for one main reason: the Christmas cookies! The thin tree-shaped cookies with green and red sprinkles would make me tremble with ecstasy. I couldn't stop gobbling them up off the tray, throwing back Hawaiian punch like a lush, to wash them down.
Christianity may not have a perfect history. But as far as I'm concerned, Christmas cookies more than make up for the Crusades.
I remember one party in 1979, in Northern Virginia - before NoVA was yuppified and stripped of character. I wore a tan Pierre Cardin suit and, precocious 10 year old that I was, I made my usual chit-chat with the adults: "I bet the Iranian hostages will be released before next Christmas!" I chirped.
As was customary, most of the grownups got tired of indulging me. But sitting on the sofa there was one woman who invited me to sit next to her. She was an older woman and she was big. Not just big-boned, but big-butted and big-breasted. And strong. A proud country woman, the kind who oversee weekend flea markets with military authority, undaunted by heat, mosquitoes, or brittle bargain-hunting city women. Tonight she was wearing her holiday best, some sort of green damask, her dark hair in a modified beehive. (Imagine a woman in a Far Side cartoon.)
I sidled up to the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman, eating my cookies and yapping away: "When Amy Carter goes to school, she has Secret Service agents!"
"Now is that right?" she asked, her accent thick, her mountainous chest heaving up and down as she laughed.
But pretty soon, the sugar hit me - and I started to crash. I wanted nothing more than to lie down ... and sleep. But where?
"Babies who live near Three ... Mile ... Island ... have ... an ... extra ..." I trailed off, half a cookie dropping onto my lap. I had no more energy.
That's when the GBVCW came to the rescue. As my eyelids fluttered shut, she mobilized: she put her arm around me, gripped my shoulder with her paw, and pulled my head into her breasts. And I plunged into dreamland.
Her bounteous Old Dominion boobs were bliss, nirvana, heaven. I slept for only 20, 30 minutes tops. But it was probably the deepest sleep I'll ever have. Her breasts could have cured the worst sufferer of sleep apnea! Had the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman been thin, even normal weight, she would have been useless to me at that critical moment. If a picture existed of the GBVCM, I'd post it.
Luckily my weekend to Minneapolis-St. Paul ended with another brush with the same kind of woman.
The flight back to New York aboard Sun Country Airlines was full. I spent the whole time reading, until the snack cart rolled to a stop by me. I looked up - and that's when I saw Barb.
Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb didn't have quite the height of the GBVCW, but she projected the same power - with a funky twist. She wore cat glasses, but with clear frames, and a pair of dangly earrings. (The modern American woman's rejection of dangly earrings is a scandal and the subject for a future posting.) Her hair was short and she had lots of arty jewelry on her wrists and fingers. Otherwise, she was good old-fashioned Germanic girth, Teutonic tonnage. As wide and steady as the Battleship Bismarck. (The Royal Navy would stand no chance against this vessel.) Barb was beautiful.
I rushed to pull my camera out of the overhead. Then, conscious of the presence of an air marshal somewhere on the plane, I very carefully tried to take a picture of her.
Above: Barb getting ready to toss a Turkey Pastrami sandwich and cookie at me. The look of consternation on my face is meant to suggest to suspicious passengers that I'm simply trying to take a self-portrait. In fact I'm trying to get a shot of Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb (AB3).
I took a great risk in getting this picture of Barb. (Across the aisle sat a Nordic-looking St. Paulite. He seemed nervous when I began playing with my camera. I was convinced he was about to tackle me.) But I wanted my readers to get a sense of AB3.
By the end of the trip, I was cranky, my neck was aching, and I wanted nothing more than to sit on Barb's lap, my face in her breasts, and sleep. (Presumably we'd need a seat belt extender to strap the two of us in for landing.) Of course that didn't happen. But it was my fervent wish.
I guess what I'm saying is, I understand America needs to lose weight. But what will happen to all the women like GBVCW and AB3? The culture could indeed lose something important.
Do you have relatives or family friends like these two women? Have they given similar comfort at tired, cranky times? Please share your remembrances of generous big women with gigantic breasts!!
Reader Comments ( Page 3 of 10)
31. Well, im not fat or skinny...im just plain normal, and i dont have any problem with either overweight people or skinny people, as long as they're healthy. People who are genuinely lazy, or don't eat for example, annoy me...but if you live a healthy lifestyle and thats the way you are supposed to be, be proud of yourself!
olivia at 6:11PM on Aug 14th 2007
32. I agree with chachi, I'm also a very small girl and I get looks all the time from bigger girls. And no I'm not the one giving them looks first. Its as if girls hate you because you're skinny and they're not. And what's with the term "skinny bitch" anyway? Not all skinny girls are bitches. I don't think anyone should judge people based on whether they are fat or skinny.
Nicole at 6:12PM on Aug 14th 2007
33. That tear is freakin' huge Mo.
Mahlia at 6:17PM on Aug 14th 2007
34. pendejo's
FuFu at 6:19PM on Aug 14th 2007
35. Re the comment from CLAY..you sir, are an imbecile. Not all fat people eat unhealthy or eat all day or eat the "wrong" foods. That would be like saying that the thin people in this world only drink water and eat a carrot stick for dinner. There are medical conditions and there are medications that lead to increased weight. Granted, there are some fat people who do not pay attention to what they eat or how much but by no means does it include all of us FAT people. I eat very healty, no fried foods, no cakes or cookies or candy, very little bread or pasta but I am overweight. I drink well over a gallon of water a day and limit myself to one glass of ice tea with lime a day. I eat plenty of vegetables, grilled chicken and leaner cuts of meat. The medication my doctor put me on a little over a year ago is the cause of 90 pounds of my over weight problem. And there is documentation of this medication causing this problem. Believe you me...if I would have known of this "side effect" I would have suffered with the problem instead of working for a fix. The increased weight has caused a miriad of other health issues that I could have very well done without. I have never been what one would consider skinny...I am 5'9" tall and most of my adult life I have weighed in the 260 pound range. Large but HEALTHY. And yes, many have made fun of me for my weight, given me dirty looks, ignored me when passing trays of snacks around the office...and the topper...a sales clerk in a very trendy lingere store informed me " we cater to slender women", but as a fat woman I have made the effort to ignore the ignorance of such people. Just because we are fat does not mean we do not have feelings...we can not love...we dont get lonely...we do not hurt...above and beyond all we too are human beings and capable of all that a thiner person is capable of. So I guess in the end what I am saying is..size should not matter in how one views another being...it should not make a difference in how we treat others or how we look at them or how we respond to them either mentally, physically or emotionally.Learn to be a compassionate person and accept the person for who they are ...not for the size 26 that they wear.
Mo...sorry to have rambled on so...but this is a very sore subject for me...if ignorance is bliss...there are a lot of blissful people out there....
Take care Mo and if you need those pants mened..this fat white country chick can fix them in a heartbeat.....Lizzie
Lizzie at 6:23PM on Aug 14th 2007
36. Actually, people do discriminate against skinny girls; it's just a lot less overt. I'm on the tall and thin side, and I basically got kicked out of my "clique" in high school because I was the only one who wasn't overweight out of the seven or so of us. I'm not making this up- I actually asked several members of that group about it years later, and they told me this straight up. I was "too good-looking to hang with them" because I "made the rest of them look bad". It's crazy, because I tried to fit in by not wearing makeup or doing my hair or wearing nice clothes (silly, but it was high school...), but they were still threatened by me. And I'm not that much of a looker, to be honest.
DJ at 6:38PM on Aug 14th 2007
37. As a scrawny child, I was picked on by countless guys with bigger muscular builds that resulted in sheer intimidation and a downright sense of mediocrity for little pint sized kids such as me. For without those big breasted women and their pleasant girth, where would I have gone to find comfort and solace from the pranks and tricks of schoolyard bullies? My dear aunt who was of a far more plump size than what she is today would give me glorious hugs and ensure me that all was right in the world if some dim witted brat had thrown an artillery barrage of playground dirt at me. Yes, I find these women, these great giants of their own day to be unique and caring. They usually can cook up scrumptious meals that have their own blend of love and homely warmth to them, and they can follow that up with a bedtime story. They will listen to your troubles and tell you everything will be okay. They are the epitomes of being a mother. Yes, I love all the women of such nature and size that pepper my childhood memories with a fondness I surely cannot ever forget.
But with modern society so hell-bent on attaining an aesthetic look that would make most ancient Roman bodybuilders a little uneasy, I can unhappily say that we’re en route to losing our sense at we define as American and what is totally superficial. Yes, I know many Americans are eating too many harmful and calorie clogging meals. Who’s to blame on that, well, I tend to blame outright capitalism and fast food but that’s taking the easy way out on a decades old argument. No, we as individuals need to step back away from the media’s glorification of bikini-clad and muscle-bound bodies that entice our ever dimmer youth. We must instead attain a sense of satisfaction with our biological makeup and how we live. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with losing weight and eating healthy, that’s should be everyone’s goal. Yet, I think in the process, we shouldn’t become enemies and look down at fat people, skinny people, ugly people, weird people, gay people, illegal immigrant people, or any kind of people. We’re all stupid but individual human beings. Get used to it. We’re not all going to be the same as that bubblehead Victoria Beckham or that awful waste of air, Posh Spice. We’re just people, and to quote Barbara Streisand, “People, People who need people, are the luckiest people in the world”
Enjoy life as yourself, don’t let an image define you.
Your friend, Blayze “Shaggy” O’Brien from the Bee
Blayze at 6:52PM on Aug 14th 2007
38. As a fat girl, I have to say I hate it when people assume I'm an idiot who has no self-control. I was on weight watchers for almost two years, strictly following the diet and excercising 5-6 times a week, only to lose 12 pounds. I was diagnosed a few months ago with PCOS, a fertility problem that also causes weight gain and makes it almost impossible to lose it (look it up Clay, if you don't believe me).
As for being stupid--right. I have a BS in education, and will graduate in two weeks with my master's degree, with a 4.0 GPA. If that's considered stupid, then please define smart for me!
LauraH at 6:55PM on Aug 14th 2007
39.
I AM SICK OF THE PUBLICITY GIVEN TO THE CELEBRITY SKINNY BITCHES. SOCIETY IS SO SCHIZOPHRENIC. ONE DAY THEY ARE GLORIFIED THE NEXT
DAY, THEY ARE BASHED FOR HAVING AN EATING DISORDER. WHAT' S UP WITH THAT ?
ALSO I AM SICK OF OF THE ADMIRATION GIVEN TO KIRSTIE AND VALERIE FOR BEING PAID TO LOSE WEIGHT . CELEBRITIES DON'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH FREE HELP THEY GET FROM A STAFF OF TRAINERS.
AS FAR AS FAT PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED . I SAY LIVE AND LET LIVE! I ADMIRE HEAVY PEOPLE THAT ACCEPT THEIR BODIES AS THEY ARE.
HOWEVER, THE COMMON DENOMENATOR BETWEEN THE GLORIFIATION OF SKINNY AND THE VILLIFICATION OF FAT IS HEALTH. THAT IS THE ISSUE. IT SHOULD NEVER BE ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK.
MO,THANKS FOR THE TOPIC. SORRY ABOUT THE PANTS.
marsha beckerman at 7:09PM on Aug 14th 2007
40. mo, love your essay - i knew there was a reason to hang on to this extra 10 lbs. i'd miss my pillows! and, # 23, if someone ever told me i was too skinny and should eat a pie, well, i would be happy to do that. and maybe some french fries with gravy, too.
allyzulu at 7:16PM on Aug 14th 2007
41. Sounds like a Ruben's painting. My grandaughter used to tell me how comfortable my lap was. I'm not obese but I am pleasantly plump...built for comfort, not for speed I always say! Go Mo!
Linda Magana at 7:26PM on Aug 14th 2007
42. All I can say about this article is that I've just begun to recover from the horror of those white briefs you were wearing in that photo . Real men wear boxers.
And actually, I used to hate on Ms. Beckham, but then I saw her in a couple of interviews and really - she's actually quite funny. And lovely.
And yes of COURSE there can only be so many skinny bitches. There is, after all, a strict quota in place.
And last but not least, when you next entertain the notion of showing us a photo of some chick with a really huge rack, the knockers in question should probably actually be on display in the photo. How, for instance, do I know that her boobs are any larger than mine?
Signed - Skinny bitch with big tits.
Sydney at 7:51PM on Aug 14th 2007
43. You guys are still fighting ?
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USABargain at 7:42PM on Aug 14th 2007
44. You don't look so thin yourself in those Dickies, LOL, that's what they look like. I would rather be chubby as I am than be a geek!
Cina at 8:05PM on Aug 14th 2007
45. I just happened to read this article and i did think it was funny and enlightening. but honestly, to the overweight responders, have you ever considered your weight as a health risk? i am 5'4 and weigh 145 with a size 8 jean size, im not perfect nor skinny. but i am healthy...i do agree that there is alot of emphasis but on peoples weight but its about health. people that are victoria beckam skinny get sh*t too because it is UNHEALTHY!!! our country is slowly killing themselves bc they are overweight. keep that in mind the next time you want to slam someone because most likely it is not a stare of disgust it may be one of concern. i teach health and phys ed and my main goal is teach young children how to live a healthy lifestyle. bottom line: being overweight causes a MULTITUDE of health problems and it can KILL you. Dont embrace your obesisity because it just may kill you.
lindz145 at 8:04PM on Aug 14th 2007