I won't be reading Skinny Bitch. I love meat and I have a freakishly high metabolism. Plus I only take Posh's recommendations on historical fiction.
But I can guess why everyone's snatching it up: The obesity crisis is so grim - one-third of us obese, two-thirds overweight - that if anyone can inject humor into the discussion, things might seem a little less dire. Most everyone agrees that America needs to lose weight - and lots of it. Our life expectancy now lags behind 41 other countries.
And yet ... I'm conflicted. Not every overweight person should lose weight. My trip this past weekend to Minneapolis was bookended by the downside - and the upside - of fat. I'll explain...
***
To get to JFK airport on Friday, I decided to take the train and save $60 in cab fare. When I got on the train there was only one unoccupied seat in the car, at the right side of a very fat man. But the man was taking up more than his seat, his stomach sprawling, spilling onto the empty seat - like lava flowing from Mount Saint Helens. I went and stood over him. He looked up from his Sudoku puzzle, his eyes half open, took a deep breath, and with great effort leaned his body onto his left (port side) buttock. As the train car creaked, a good deal of his stomach rolled back from the "empty" seat, providing a small space for me.
I thanked him and sat down. But because it was still only three-quarters empty, I was squeezing into a too-small space - and caught my pocket in the armrest to the right of my seat.
Riiiiipppppp. Along the right side of my Moschino khaki trousers, a horrendous tear opened up.
Above: The tear in my Moschino trousers, courtesy of the fat man.
When standing, the damage was less noticeable. (Those are threads around the tear, not hairs.)
I was furious at the man. I wanted him to see the tear himself, to acknowledge what he had done to my pants, so that he would never forget! But to turn my body around in that small space, so that he could see my exposed right buttock, wasn't worth the effort.
Yet in my anger at him - and at the many overweight people who've crowded me over the years (have you flown out of O'Hare?!) - I suddenly had a flashback:
In the late 1970s and early '80s I accompanied my parents to a number of grownup Christmas parties. I loved grownup Christmas parties for one main reason: the Christmas cookies! The thin tree-shaped cookies with green and red sprinkles would make me tremble with ecstasy. I couldn't stop gobbling them up off the tray, throwing back Hawaiian punch like a lush, to wash them down.
Christianity may not have a perfect history. But as far as I'm concerned, Christmas cookies more than make up for the Crusades.
I remember one party in 1979, in Northern Virginia - before NoVA was yuppified and stripped of character. I wore a tan Pierre Cardin suit and, precocious 10 year old that I was, I made my usual chit-chat with the adults: "I bet the Iranian hostages will be released before next Christmas!" I chirped.
As was customary, most of the grownups got tired of indulging me. But sitting on the sofa there was one woman who invited me to sit next to her. She was an older woman and she was big. Not just big-boned, but big-butted and big-breasted. And strong. A proud country woman, the kind who oversee weekend flea markets with military authority, undaunted by heat, mosquitoes, or brittle bargain-hunting city women. Tonight she was wearing her holiday best, some sort of green damask, her dark hair in a modified beehive. (Imagine a woman in a Far Side cartoon.)
I sidled up to the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman, eating my cookies and yapping away: "When Amy Carter goes to school, she has Secret Service agents!"
"Now is that right?" she asked, her accent thick, her mountainous chest heaving up and down as she laughed.
But pretty soon, the sugar hit me - and I started to crash. I wanted nothing more than to lie down ... and sleep. But where?
"Babies who live near Three ... Mile ... Island ... have ... an ... extra ..." I trailed off, half a cookie dropping onto my lap. I had no more energy.
That's when the GBVCW came to the rescue. As my eyelids fluttered shut, she mobilized: she put her arm around me, gripped my shoulder with her paw, and pulled my head into her breasts. And I plunged into dreamland.
Her bounteous Old Dominion boobs were bliss, nirvana, heaven. I slept for only 20, 30 minutes tops. But it was probably the deepest sleep I'll ever have. Her breasts could have cured the worst sufferer of sleep apnea! Had the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman been thin, even normal weight, she would have been useless to me at that critical moment. If a picture existed of the GBVCM, I'd post it.
Luckily my weekend to Minneapolis-St. Paul ended with another brush with the same kind of woman.
The flight back to New York aboard Sun Country Airlines was full. I spent the whole time reading, until the snack cart rolled to a stop by me. I looked up - and that's when I saw Barb.
Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb didn't have quite the height of the GBVCW, but she projected the same power - with a funky twist. She wore cat glasses, but with clear frames, and a pair of dangly earrings. (The modern American woman's rejection of dangly earrings is a scandal and the subject for a future posting.) Her hair was short and she had lots of arty jewelry on her wrists and fingers. Otherwise, she was good old-fashioned Germanic girth, Teutonic tonnage. As wide and steady as the Battleship Bismarck. (The Royal Navy would stand no chance against this vessel.) Barb was beautiful.
I rushed to pull my camera out of the overhead. Then, conscious of the presence of an air marshal somewhere on the plane, I very carefully tried to take a picture of her.
Above: Barb getting ready to toss a Turkey Pastrami sandwich and cookie at me. The look of consternation on my face is meant to suggest to suspicious passengers that I'm simply trying to take a self-portrait. In fact I'm trying to get a shot of Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb (AB3).
I took a great risk in getting this picture of Barb. (Across the aisle sat a Nordic-looking St. Paulite. He seemed nervous when I began playing with my camera. I was convinced he was about to tackle me.) But I wanted my readers to get a sense of AB3.
By the end of the trip, I was cranky, my neck was aching, and I wanted nothing more than to sit on Barb's lap, my face in her breasts, and sleep. (Presumably we'd need a seat belt extender to strap the two of us in for landing.) Of course that didn't happen. But it was my fervent wish.
I guess what I'm saying is, I understand America needs to lose weight. But what will happen to all the women like GBVCW and AB3? The culture could indeed lose something important.
Do you have relatives or family friends like these two women? Have they given similar comfort at tired, cranky times? Please share your remembrances of generous big women with gigantic breasts!!
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 10)
46. A special big fat welcome to "Sydney" (aka "Skinny bitch with big tits"). You're a spitfire, I can tell. To your points:
- I wear white briefs (formally known as a "banana hammock") because it's the only way to contain my giant schlong. In loose boxer shorts, I'd be hanging down to my knees.
- As I explained in the posting, I was taking a risk photographing Barb. Had I shot her rack head on, I'd be in GITMO right now.
- You're going to have to do a better job of flacking for Posh Spice. Right now she's making Paris Hilton look like Marie Curie.
Mo Rocca at 8:34PM on Aug 14th 2007
47. Dear Mo, Once I nearly fainted as I arose from donating blood. As my knees began to collapse two very, very large ultra bosomy woman embraced me in a cloud of their sturdy fluffiness and laid me back down. They began "Oh Lawd"ing and patting my hands and holding my face in their equally sturdy fluffy hands. They washed my face with a cool cloth and fed me juice and a cookie until I had recovered. I have never, ever felt so completely relaxed and comforted and I never wanted to leave.
Bellaliso at 9:04PM on Aug 14th 2007
48. What a howl - I remember those cookies! Go figure - somehow (could it have been the sprinkles?) I grew from a tiny bonella girl to a comfy, plump woman whose boyfriend is mad about her cushy, sleep-inducing nap pillows! And is that an armrest in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? But, Mo - a point of proofreading: (bear with me, I'm a book editor) shouldn't it be GBVCW instead of GBVCM?
EmptyNest at 8:52PM on Aug 14th 2007
49. Thanks, EmptyNest! Correction made.
Mo Rocca at 9:01PM on Aug 14th 2007
50. After reading a short excerpt from "Skinny Bitches", I can say I'm not too impressed with it. The information it provides is the same old stuff we've heard countless times before. Eat healthy, exercise, etc. The only difference is that they use a good amount of profanity and go for shock value. Apparently, they deem obesity as 'fat pig syndrome.' and berate the reader for drinking and eating 'shit.' It's not really comical, more so crass and rude. It seems like it was written for air headed teen girls and dim twenty-somethings trying to stay in the know about health. I wish they weren't so harsh on the insults about pigs either; those poor guys can't help it. They have no sweat glands.
Mo's book on presidential pets is far more entertaining and informative than this overly arrogant dribble. I don’t need two pompous L.A. princesses telling me that coffee and eating fried food is bad while encouraging their own wacky diet. The biggest reason a book like this sells is because it features the words “Skinny” and “Bitch.” And to be honest, you’ll find more about skinny bitches in Mo’s book “All the Presidents’ Pets” which has more details on thin female dogs than this. I know me, or my baby turtles, Jack and Neal, won't be reading it.
Again, your friend Blayze “Shaggy” O’Brien from the Bee
Blayze at 9:02PM on Aug 14th 2007
51. I used to be skinny and spent all my time thinking I was fat. I modeled and was generally considered gorgeous by all accounts but even so, I thought I was gross (there is a lot more to this story of course). Then I had an epiphany and woke up to the fact that I really wasn't horrible looking (it was during this time that I modeled). I actually enjoyed going shopping! I met a girl who hated me because I was skinny. In later years, I had to take several medications that caused weight gain but it was either this or die so seeing as how I had children and people who loved me even if I didn't love myself, I chose to use the medications. Now, I am actually fat (and alive). People still say I am gorgeous but I don't get hit on that often. I figure it's the fat but my husband insists that it is him causing the problem (6'4" and massive in a lumber jack sort of way).
It's been hard...but to tell you the truth, it was hard skinny and it's hard fat. I miss my beautiful body because it was fun to shop and I felt more in control of myself. In some ways, I love my big booty that gets constant admiring comment and big rack that leads me into any room. My kids don't want me to lose weight because they all aspire to look like me >.< but I don't want them to ever hurt, I just want them to be joyful.
As for the girl who hated me because I was skinny...she is now one of my best friends. She tells me that if I get skinny again, she will go back to hating me. I tell her that I won't let her:)
I am sure that everyone has run into someone stunningly gorgeous or even just super cute...and then had them open their mouth to discover that they are truly very ugly. (INSERT ANY NUMBER OF PEOPLE HERE OF BOTH SEXES)
I am sure we have all run into the big girl who is sexy, beautiful, smart and stronger than many men twice her size and thought 'damn! now that's an Amazon!' (Jennie...you're my girl! Angela, Pay, Teresa and Shari...you know it!)
And surely most of us has met the willowy, ethereal beauty who is thin but lovely in every way (miss you Jane!).
The super model looking girlie who is over 6' and everything about her screams 'money!' but shocks the hell out of you by being a genuine, sweet and fun person (Turi, you know who you are girl! I miss you!)
The shy, heavy girl who keeps herself rather plain...possibly by being persecuted at the hands of all her classmates who will grow up to not be who they are at THAT age. At first, you don't even think of attraction but the more time you spend with her, the more beautiful she becomes until you can never imagine that you ever thought her plain. That is called falling in love with the true woman and discovering what real beauty is!
And yes...of course...the 'skinny bitch (fat bitch, rude bitch whatever...)
It's the person...find the person and choose to see further than what's shallow.
Soft big boobies are the best (according to me) but sexy comes in all sizes!
kittenbites at 9:12PM on Aug 14th 2007
52. I thought your story was so funny. You had me laughing out loud. The attempted picture of Barb is priceless. Then I read your response to Sydney and I could have cried I was laughing so hard. You kill me, Mo.
Dawn B at 9:17PM on Aug 14th 2007
53. Oh my gosh, Mo, I haven't laughed this hard in ages! My daughter kept telling me to "take a breath." We live in Virginia, land of fried chicken and grits, and there are ample-breasted women everywhere (such as GBVCW)...the ones you'd love to take a nap on. Thank you for a wonderful, fun perspective on a sensitive subject!
Amy at 9:20PM on Aug 14th 2007
54. Hi Mo -
I'm a big woman who used to be quite small. I just want to say that not everyone gets big because they are lazy and can't put down the mashed potatoes and gravy. For me, it was an illness that made me have to be sedentary for a while. I'm slowly regaining my health and am losing the weight.
When I was small I hope I didn't give disapproving looks to bigger women, but I do remember not quite understanding all of the diet talk that I used to hear at work. I would feel left out when women started talking about their latest diet. Being big now, I do have more empathy for all women who struggle with their weight and their health. For that, I'm glad!
I don't think I'll miss my big cushiony breasts once they are gone because they are a bit disproportionate to my height. But thanks, Mo, for a warm perspective on big'uns.
boobi at 9:26PM on Aug 14th 2007
55. Mo, sorry to hear your trousers ripped. That stinks. =-(
No, I never had women around me such as the type you mentioned, who could comfort me in that way.=-( For most of my young life, I grew up around European(Spanish) women. And they are not known for being big in size or big breasted. All the women in my family are petite and curvy. Unfortunately, I seemed to have inherited a bit of the curvyness, and more of the petite boney stature. Oh well... Though when talking about people's perception of weight, I seemed to have had experiences with that. A year ago, when I lived a year in China, I was considered by most Chinese a big girl(I was only 5'3 and 100 pounds!). But many Chinese women are even tinier..except there was one thing they had, that I did not! They are all so muscular. Having to walking and bike everywhere for miles, really gets you in shape! Even though I was taller than most of the women I met, I was significantly weaker. One young girl even commented my weak appearance. She thought I was tall and anorexic...ughh. When it was only because I can never seemingly gain weight. But I was pleased to find that in the some parts in China, there are infact big Chinese men and women. I found out that these people are not Hun Chinese, but those who lived in the Mongolian regions. I have this one picture of me hugging a native that must have been 6'5 and around 250 pounds! I couldn't even wrap my arms around this guy! It was quite funny the image, because here I looked like a feather wrapped around the Trump Towers. lol Though, it totally disproved my theory that the only bigger Asians hail from Japan. The Chinese view America as a nation of rather large people, but what country doesn’t? Though ironically, for eating pretty healthy all the time and walking and biking so much, their life expectancy is very low. Mostly because of the Medicare system, and intense physical pressure that is brought to their bodies. It was just different to find out that a nation of thin and fit people, have a life-expectancy lower than a nation over more overweight people. I have since then, tried to work out more, even if I will only ever be around 100 pounds....
You probably will find what I said a bit boring, but it just goes to show of another example in how weight is such a cultural difference!
Great choice of topic! From what I have read so far, you seem to always bring a interesting personal experience from your life, kudos Mr. Rocca. =-)
Game Theory for Applied Economics Nerd at 9:42PM on Aug 14th 2007
56. Interesting topic. Weight is tough to lose, and tougher to keep off. I've lost over 90 lbs., and my life is just easier to live--I can climb stairs, fit into furniture, and breathe better. But the pillows have gone. You could have had quite a snuggle in the old days. Unfortunately, my body type is one where the weight comes off the top first, so it takes a lot of exercise not to resemble a bowling pin. But people discriminate against the fat in horrible ways. The worst is that they think you're stupid. I've seen obese people treated like dirt right to their faces, like they weren't human. What other group of people gets treated like that?
BTW, some fat acceptance groups like the word "fat," or "person of size," as they feel "obese" is judgmental. But I've also read that there is a lot of jealousy and judgment between big woman and really big women. It sounds crazy.
ciocia at 9:52PM on Aug 14th 2007
57. First, to the people who feel comfortable calling decent people "fat pigs," etc.:
The fact that calling overweight people names is the last acceptable form of discrimmination appears to be growing. It's upsetting that, in a civilized society that we are becoming less compassionate and more ruthless with those that do not conform to an often unatainable ideal. But there will always be people like you on every playground, office, neighborhood, etc., and the only thing to do is to realize that people like you are unkind and deliberately cruel, making it a good thing that we don't know you.
To the thin women who believe they get dirty looks from heavy women:
First, they are probably partially wistful. Our society treats the overweight, particularly women, more horribly with each passing day. Maybe when they look at you, they wish they could be thinner so that the bias they are encountering can come to an end.
Second, you, as thin women, are not refused jobs or paid at lower rates because of your weight. Insurance companies, largely the ones who have encouraged this outright discrimonation of the overweight under the guise of "they are costing the healthcare industry billions, are fostering discrimination, hoping to shame people into losing weight so that they don't have to lose money from their own overweight pockets.
Angry at having to treat smokers, overweight people, those who drink, etc, they are trying to whip the public into a frenzy of righteousness, implying that those who do not follow a strictly healthy regimen are taking away insurance from the rest of the country. Really? With a majority of the country, overweight, old, smokers and many who drink, just who is it that is "allowed" to get sick at this point.
Do yourselves a favor and stop swallowing this malarky that is all based on money. If we want to be a healthier society, do something about all the fast food and giant portions. Oh, but then we would be stopping people from making money, money, money.
As for my own downy pillows, my 6 year old daughter loves to lay her head on me. She has been lulled to sleep, sung to and read to while lying against my softness. Rather than being ashamed of me, she will bring into her adult life many happy memories of love and comfort - something you can't get when you lay your head on a bicycle.
Dawn at 9:53PM on Aug 14th 2007
58. A few years ago, I lost nearly 50 pounds of ugly (having a baby) fat. As much as I love kids, my own nearly killed me from the weight gain. I am 5'9, was then a size 18-20, but am now down to a voluptuous 12. Anyway, my then 7 year old, upon noticing one day that I was significantly smaller, became weepy, and blurted out, "I want my soft, comfy Mommy again!" He missed my 44D cup and my soft, round hips. Kids love to lay on and snuggle up to Moms in general...but there is nothing like a round Mom to comfort you when you have a skinned knee :))
Coco at 10:14PM on Aug 14th 2007
59. OMG, Mo, this is sooo funny! my sister and I were just watching television literally 5 minutes ago and commenting on the size and probable comfort level of this lady's boobs. It's nice to know that there are others in the world who appreciate a nice, natural napping place.
Btw: I always have enjoyed you on tv, especially when you judge Iron Chef America (random fact: you taught me the Spanish word for "duck".) And I recently have discovered your blog, and love every posting. I wish you a lot of success.
Jasmin at 10:16PM on Aug 14th 2007
60. I'm a big breasted, big-butted woman and I would love to be smaller, but never to the point of losing my curves. My kids love to snuggle and lean on me when they are tired. I had a friend tell me that her son was jealous of mine becuase she was so skinny that it hurt to lean on her!
Lee at 10:57PM on Aug 14th 2007