I won't be reading Skinny Bitch. I love meat and I have a freakishly high metabolism. Plus I only take Posh's recommendations on historical fiction.
But I can guess why everyone's snatching it up: The obesity crisis is so grim - one-third of us obese, two-thirds overweight - that if anyone can inject humor into the discussion, things might seem a little less dire. Most everyone agrees that America needs to lose weight - and lots of it. Our life expectancy now lags behind 41 other countries.
And yet ... I'm conflicted. Not every overweight person should lose weight. My trip this past weekend to Minneapolis was bookended by the downside - and the upside - of fat. I'll explain...
***
To get to JFK airport on Friday, I decided to take the train and save $60 in cab fare. When I got on the train there was only one unoccupied seat in the car, at the right side of a very fat man. But the man was taking up more than his seat, his stomach sprawling, spilling onto the empty seat - like lava flowing from Mount Saint Helens. I went and stood over him. He looked up from his Sudoku puzzle, his eyes half open, took a deep breath, and with great effort leaned his body onto his left (port side) buttock. As the train car creaked, a good deal of his stomach rolled back from the "empty" seat, providing a small space for me.
I thanked him and sat down. But because it was still only three-quarters empty, I was squeezing into a too-small space - and caught my pocket in the armrest to the right of my seat.
Riiiiipppppp. Along the right side of my Moschino khaki trousers, a horrendous tear opened up.
Above: The tear in my Moschino trousers, courtesy of the fat man.
When standing, the damage was less noticeable. (Those are threads around the tear, not hairs.)
I was furious at the man. I wanted him to see the tear himself, to acknowledge what he had done to my pants, so that he would never forget! But to turn my body around in that small space, so that he could see my exposed right buttock, wasn't worth the effort.
Yet in my anger at him - and at the many overweight people who've crowded me over the years (have you flown out of O'Hare?!) - I suddenly had a flashback:
In the late 1970s and early '80s I accompanied my parents to a number of grownup Christmas parties. I loved grownup Christmas parties for one main reason: the Christmas cookies! The thin tree-shaped cookies with green and red sprinkles would make me tremble with ecstasy. I couldn't stop gobbling them up off the tray, throwing back Hawaiian punch like a lush, to wash them down.
Christianity may not have a perfect history. But as far as I'm concerned, Christmas cookies more than make up for the Crusades.
I remember one party in 1979, in Northern Virginia - before NoVA was yuppified and stripped of character. I wore a tan Pierre Cardin suit and, precocious 10 year old that I was, I made my usual chit-chat with the adults: "I bet the Iranian hostages will be released before next Christmas!" I chirped.
As was customary, most of the grownups got tired of indulging me. But sitting on the sofa there was one woman who invited me to sit next to her. She was an older woman and she was big. Not just big-boned, but big-butted and big-breasted. And strong. A proud country woman, the kind who oversee weekend flea markets with military authority, undaunted by heat, mosquitoes, or brittle bargain-hunting city women. Tonight she was wearing her holiday best, some sort of green damask, her dark hair in a modified beehive. (Imagine a woman in a Far Side cartoon.)
I sidled up to the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman, eating my cookies and yapping away: "When Amy Carter goes to school, she has Secret Service agents!"
"Now is that right?" she asked, her accent thick, her mountainous chest heaving up and down as she laughed.
But pretty soon, the sugar hit me - and I started to crash. I wanted nothing more than to lie down ... and sleep. But where?
"Babies who live near Three ... Mile ... Island ... have ... an ... extra ..." I trailed off, half a cookie dropping onto my lap. I had no more energy.
That's when the GBVCW came to the rescue. As my eyelids fluttered shut, she mobilized: she put her arm around me, gripped my shoulder with her paw, and pulled my head into her breasts. And I plunged into dreamland.
Her bounteous Old Dominion boobs were bliss, nirvana, heaven. I slept for only 20, 30 minutes tops. But it was probably the deepest sleep I'll ever have. Her breasts could have cured the worst sufferer of sleep apnea! Had the Giant-Breasted Virginia Country Woman been thin, even normal weight, she would have been useless to me at that critical moment. If a picture existed of the GBVCM, I'd post it.
Luckily my weekend to Minneapolis-St. Paul ended with another brush with the same kind of woman.
The flight back to New York aboard Sun Country Airlines was full. I spent the whole time reading, until the snack cart rolled to a stop by me. I looked up - and that's when I saw Barb.
Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb didn't have quite the height of the GBVCW, but she projected the same power - with a funky twist. She wore cat glasses, but with clear frames, and a pair of dangly earrings. (The modern American woman's rejection of dangly earrings is a scandal and the subject for a future posting.) Her hair was short and she had lots of arty jewelry on her wrists and fingers. Otherwise, she was good old-fashioned Germanic girth, Teutonic tonnage. As wide and steady as the Battleship Bismarck. (The Royal Navy would stand no chance against this vessel.) Barb was beautiful.
I rushed to pull my camera out of the overhead. Then, conscious of the presence of an air marshal somewhere on the plane, I very carefully tried to take a picture of her.
Above: Barb getting ready to toss a Turkey Pastrami sandwich and cookie at me. The look of consternation on my face is meant to suggest to suspicious passengers that I'm simply trying to take a self-portrait. In fact I'm trying to get a shot of Awesomely Big-Breasted Barb (AB3).
I took a great risk in getting this picture of Barb. (Across the aisle sat a Nordic-looking St. Paulite. He seemed nervous when I began playing with my camera. I was convinced he was about to tackle me.) But I wanted my readers to get a sense of AB3.
By the end of the trip, I was cranky, my neck was aching, and I wanted nothing more than to sit on Barb's lap, my face in her breasts, and sleep. (Presumably we'd need a seat belt extender to strap the two of us in for landing.) Of course that didn't happen. But it was my fervent wish.
I guess what I'm saying is, I understand America needs to lose weight. But what will happen to all the women like GBVCW and AB3? The culture could indeed lose something important.
Do you have relatives or family friends like these two women? Have they given similar comfort at tired, cranky times? Please share your remembrances of generous big women with gigantic breasts!!
Reader Comments ( Page 7 of 10)
91. What a great article. Thank you, Mo, for starting my morning off with a smile on my face.
When I was a kid, I had a grandmother, who was from Chile. I wouldn't say she was obese, but she was plump. We called her Gorda. She was comfy too. Ah, the memories.
Also, I somewhat agree with Chachi about thinner people being discriminated against too. I've actually had teachers before who, when I would be discussing classwork with them, would stray from the topic at hand, hold up my arms and say "GAWD! You're sooooo skinny! Eat!"...I'm 5'3 and a 114lbs. Yes, I'm thin, but its not like I'm emaciated and need to be showcased in front of a classroom as in dire need of a sandwhich. I happen to have a high metabolism. Ever since I can remember, my family has watched me scarf down whole pizzas on occasion and pretty big helpings of whatever we're eating and say with light-hearted astounded curiousity, "where the HELL do you put it?". I figure I'll enjoy my metabolism while I have it cuz I'm sure when I'm older it'll be pretty much nonexistent. Not to mention that if I eat then like I do now, I'll get to be like Gorda. But so what? Isn't that how it usually goes?
I'm sure the discrimination of skinny vs. fat goes both ways but that's the American media for you. Its basically another religion; It tells you something natural is WRONG! VERY VERY WRONG! BUT..we can help you fix your oh so wrong digusting self. Just go with them and empty your pockets, wallets, and bank accounts..then you can have a small helping of happiness.
and I love Barb's glasses. haha.
chriss at 11:30AM on Aug 15th 2007
92. Everyone is beating themselves up over "being fat". I think we should all band together and make the manufacturers put back nutrition into food, so our bodies don't demand for us to eat more. In Europe bread is really bread. Here, when you press it together it sticks like a pancake - I've added some glue and made pretty flowers out of it. If you really want good bread you have to buy it from Canada!
I think food manufacturers take all the good stuff (vitamins) out of flour, milk, etc. add tons of bone meal and useless fillers and sell the good stuff for more money while we starve nutritionally and our bodies hunger for healthy food. FYI they bleach chicken with hydrogen peroxide because Americans prefer white meat to dark. Also, why the need to add sugar to everything, including simple things like milk and yogurt? We need to demand more responsibility in food processing.
chris at 9:38AM on Aug 16th 2007
93. Well kudos again Mr. Rocca, you've pleased your blog community without somehow scaring them via a wacky video discussing presidential erotica.
Very well, I'm off to Greenwich Village to view some off off Broadway theatre. Toodles.
And remember Mo, I still expect birthday surprises this Friday,
Your friend, Blayze "Shaggy" O'Brien from the Bee
Blayze at 11:35AM on Aug 15th 2007
94. I'm a big woman and there are plenty of men who feel the same way you do. We should appreciate everyone for what they are.
Date a fat chick - she can probably cook - especially cookies.
As for how overweight people view the word "fat" - to me it's just a descriptive term. Other people have negative connotations of it. People get onto me when I call myself fat. I tell them that it's their own negative connotation of the word.
And...fat girls can be bitches, too.
B.I.T.C.H. - Being In Total Control of Herself
Lisa at 12:19PM on Aug 15th 2007
95. Dear Mo:
Your email reminded me of my Grandma. There is a picture we have of me on my first holy communion, snuggled up next to me Slovak Grandma, her arm around me, my head on her breast, and me so sleepy. It's one of my favorite pictures, because it was just such a wonderful place to be. I have such wonderful memories of going to her house, smelling the food cooking (although I remember the smell fondly, I actually was too picky an eater at my younger age to enjoy her Eastern European cooking), and her great big, wonderful hugs. There was no better place to be when you were tired than sitting next to Grandma. She had such a smile and a warmth about her, so generous and kind, and I miss those moments so much.
Thanks for bringing up such a happy memory!
Mary
Mary at 12:18PM on Aug 15th 2007
96. Wow, Mo. You made me think of someone I hadn't thought of for YEARS - my next-door-neighbor, Mrs. McDermott. It wasn't so much that she was obese (her shape was lost inside the muumuu she wore), but she did have THE most ginormous breasts! She was an elderly widow who used to keep Salerno butter cookies (the flower-shaped ones with the holes in the middle) in her refrigerator, ever at the ready as a reward for one of the family of eight children next door who might do her some small favor or perform a minor kindness. For example, shoveling her driveway in the winter, or picking her a bouquet of dandelions. She was a nice lady and I'll never forget how delicious those cookies were in her dark, cool kitchen. I would 'wear' a cookie on my index finger and gently nibble my way all around the perimeter of its buttery goodness, savoring every crumb. Thanks for reminding me of a kinder, gentler time.
Mary at 12:23PM on Aug 15th 2007
97. Now, it seems to me that the "fat" people are doing exactly what they hate "skinny" people doing. They are complaining about all the skinny people. Calling it unnatural and unattractive. I for one, am a "skinny" girl. But just like some people are naturally larger, I am naturally smaller. I get so annoyed when a random customer comes in and exclaims "can I take you home and feed you".I eat! I'm not talking salads with no dressing. I eat good hearty meals, i'm a meat and potatoes girl. So next time you larger people want to complain about skinny people just think about how you wouldn't want someone walking into your store yelling "can I take you home and put you on a diet". People need to realize that yes, some skinny people give fat people looks but at the same rate some fat people give skinny people looks. I think if your happy in your body and feel healthy, then good for you. No one has any right to give people grief about their body. (unless their lifestyle is unhealthy and taking years off their life, which again can go both ways).
Katie at 12:26PM on Aug 15th 2007
98. ever sence i was really little ive have always been the smallest in my family,and most of my cuzins are rather big,(just more to love)and one of my fav cuzins has really really big well breasts and when ever i got tiered,I would give her this look (and she knew what i meant witch would be can i have my pillow agian?)usally she would nod and id take my useaull spot and have a nice cat nap.
"can i have my pillow back?" at 10:12PM on Aug 16th 2007
99. Mo,
First I'd like to thank you for the sharing of your memory. Without even thinking, I can certainly rattle of names of women in my family who fit that mold. Heck, I find myself time to time the focus of a tired little one.
Not wanting to sound creepy, but if you ever find you way in New Orleans, the door of hospitality is open.
That being said...
Clay,
What you have stated is not only untrue but possibly the most ignorant thing I have heard in ages(and here I had hope for us as a people. Half-truths like that are why we are still overweight as a people. No acknowledgement of bone size,metabolism,or age except by the medical community..and even they screw up(example: it took them a really long time to realize that women of different races CAN be different weights and be healthy). I would say more but I have to go scheldule classes.
Monica at 12:32PM on Aug 15th 2007
100. I always thought you'd be a boxer man...
JumpinJuniper at 12:40PM on Aug 15th 2007
101. I am a beautiful "obese" woman. I qualify for gastric banding or bypass or any other horrific surgery that will come down the pike, and I know that my weight is not healthy. Knowing and correcting is easier said than done, and I have years of ups and downs....Having said, I do not aspire to a single digit size, not even in my wildest healthy dreams...I think a size 12 woman is beautiful and strong, someone who can move furniture, carry large children and snuggle up to without being poked by bones, and that is the smallest big breasted woman I ever want to be....
Kernie C at 5:54PM on Aug 15th 2007
102. I'm gonna speak the honest truth. I was a skinny kid, got kinda thick after puberty, and then kind of puffed up after a sports injury pretty much left me unable to run or do anything high impact until I can really afford knee injury.
When I was younger, I TOTALLY hated on the skinny girls, especially those close to me. It was jealousy and my own problems with self esteem, it never had anything to do with the person, but it always stemmed from how I felt about myself. But you know, you get older and you learn more about yourself and I realized how stupid I was. So I exercised and exercised and got my 5'3 frame down to a size 10.
But like so many people have pointed out, it's not just about food. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and the meds I were put on caused me to gain over 50 pounds in just about a year. It again caused all the same issues from when I was younger, but now I know that hating on the skinnies isn't going to help me or my health at all.
So thanks Mo for reminding me it's not all about the skinny, and that big boobs are great in a dozen different ways. And guys, lets not hate. A lot of things are just beyond our control.
ex-skinny hater, liz
lizfav at 1:10PM on Aug 15th 2007
103. Kudos to you Mo - The reality of life is this - TV finds the skinny people, the rest are left to only wish they could be the skinny people on TV. Even with the the PC times we find themselves in, Hollywood throws the fatties a bone every now and then by hiring the big girl to play the lead but that is all it is, a mere white flag to attempt to show that even Hollywood can actually see talent, not size. As a big girl myself, I did not binge and purge myself to the point I am today, rather I suffer from what most of us suffer from - life. Relationships, jobs, stress, and of course, children. Hollywood seems to forget that when you have a gazillion dollars in the bank, you also deal with much different stresses. They don't struggle with the "what bills can I pay this month" dilema that most of us do. That question for many of us will push the blood pressure beyond normal.
On a recent trip to the grocery store, my husband and I decided we were going to buy all healthy (a relative statement I realize, but go with it) we made a mad dash towards the produce section and loaded up. At the meat department we bought all fish, nixed the pasta line altogether and patting ourselves proudly on the back walked right past the ice cream and straight to the check out counter. To our utter horror, the cashier politely gave us our total...$162.34! As I looked at the 3 paper bags of groceries wondering which one held the beluga caviar and bottle of Dom Perignon that I must have purchased unintentionally, I suddenly realized why America is fat. For most of us are on a budget, most of us are working class, and most of us do live well within our means but even that puts us living paycheck to paycheck. I can safely say that I have walked into that same store and walked out with my hatchback full of bags for equal or less, and why not? When I can buy 4 burritos for a buck or 10 cans of Spaghetti O's for $5? What a bargain...until you realize that there isn't any actual food inside those bargain meals. Now don't get me wrong, I will still crave the occasional mac and cheese meal or a hot dog, who doesn't? But when was the last time you went into the grocery store and saw all the produce on sale? Oh you get the seasonal sales, buy 10 packages of berries for $10 but even that is a hoax as the berries themselves are on the verge of turning into nice fluffy INEDIBLE green balls just moments after you unload them from your car. Society creates the very thing it detests. And even those of us who try in vain to be skinny will ultimately pay the price...literally. So to you Mo, I thank you. I thank you for seeing the beauty in the women that the Skinny Bitches roll their eyes at and declare in their empty heads "ugh, I'd never..." Heads up Skinny Bitches, us Big Girls aren't too crazy about the idea either, but life is life and we prefer to enjoy it rather than try to be something we are not. Thanks Mo, for reminding me that I am beautiful.
itspastmybedtime at 1:20PM on Aug 15th 2007
104. Fat people are gross and obnoxious and take up too much space.
Realistic Mom at 1:55PM on Aug 15th 2007
105. i don't know.. i think being fat has a lot more to do than just with looks.
i was an obese kid myself due to antibiotics i had to take for my tuberculosis but i felt like, being fat didn't suit me. i was always unhappy. whereas now, i have an overweight friend who's (as Mo Rocca likes 'em) BIG breasted, she's completely happy with the way she looks because that's who she's comfortable being.
when i was riding the school bus to my soccer game, one of my team mate's got into a heated argument over fat. she was poking fun of this other girl on the team (of course only kidding because that girl was a size 4 - but you know teenagers nowadays). but she had said something that lingered with me, which was, "fat people never amount to anything." and in some ways REALLY offensive, i kind of have to agree. just because when i was a fat kid, i never could do anything i wanted. for example, if i had wanted to do backflips or be the best player on the dodgeball team, that was a far-fetched dream.
sooo there is a difference between an image you want of yourself or an image society wants from you. not everyone should be obese, but not everyone should be skinny either. it's just nowadays people who feel like they need to be skinny are getting fat. yes, it's due to all the gluttony for food cause there's SOO much of everything! and it also has to do with lifestyle.
omg, i could list a scroll of reasons but yaa
but I'M A BIG FAN OF YOURS MO ROCCA! ever since "I love the 8O's" i fell in love
catherine at 1:39PM on Aug 15th 2007