You would if you were Jonathan Lee Riches, who recently filed a "$63,000,000,000 billion" suit against (that's lots of billions) against Barry Bonds for stealing his dogs, selling them on eBay, and then using the money to buy missiles from Iran. And then, if that got you some publicity and it turned ut you were either mentally deranged or an excellent comedy writer you'd do it again.
Probably your second suit would name Hank Aaron's bat, and it would claim, among other things, that Bonds, on June 22, 2004, bench pressed Riches against his will "to show off in front of his ballbark buddies." He has also "witnessed Mr. Bonds selling steroids to nuns." Oh, also, "Barry Bonds used Hank Aaron's bat to crack the Liberty Bell." And "Mr. Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein."
As comic novels go, it's not the worst one of the year by any stretch. When he finds a publisher, I will be happy to give him a blurb.
To recap some highlights:
- Complaint #2 is for "Fraud Against Humanity" and "Batman and Identity Robbin"
- Mr. Riches is doing business as "The White Suge Knight"
- In total, the amount asked for in damages in dollars (and Swiss Francs) amounts to $105,000,000,000.000
- Mr. Bonds and Mr. Selig secretly met at the Steak 'n Shake on I-70, booth #11
- Judith Miller, formerly of the New York Times, has the transcripts of the meetings
- Mr. Riches owns an I-Phone
- Hitmen sent by Mr. Bonds broke into Mr. Riches' home and stole items from his "refrig"
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 1)
1. My 3 dogs have been in the fetal position since the hideous crime of the dog fighting football hero, and now this may push them over the edge. I believe that all dogs who may or may be stressed over these acts should have law suits filed in their behalf; I am amazed that the cowboy hat wearing lawyer hasn't jumped on this one yet. Mere billions are not an accurate figure. One million dollars for every dog in the United States might be adequate, and ownership in dog food companies would be nice as an added perk. These men have upset the delicate balance of canine loyalty and equality. Time for my dogs to get their thorazine! Or is it my time?
Robert at 9:42AM on Aug 18th 2007
2. What the fuck? We print this shit?
sean at 12:54AM on Aug 19th 2007
3. Hey Buddy... You need more than Thorazine.
sean at 12:57AM on Aug 19th 2007
4. I'm bond's bisexual lover, I want to sue him for everything he has. You can keep the countless roid bottles, however.
muchies at 2:13AM on Aug 19th 2007
5. muchies. Bonds is not bisexual, he is stone pussy. Friendship means nothing to him as he is allowing his loyal friend, Greg Anderson, to sit in jail to hide his secret. His secret is no secret. If Anderson didn't have incriminating evedience against Bonds then he would testify rather then sit in jail.
thinkfreedom at 11:33AM on Aug 19th 2007
6. Anyone with an ounce of grey matter knows Bonds is a cheating chunk of shit.
mdembree at 2:38PM on Aug 19th 2007
7. If Ben is the same Ben that wrote for the New Yorker I suggest that for his next literary endeavor he do a biography of the great music critic Whitney Balliett.
RedBarberian at 10:34AM on Aug 20th 2007
8. barry bonds is a steroid soaked douchebag and in my mind, Mr. Hank Aaron is still the home run king!!!
bo at 11:04AM on Aug 20th 2007
9. The same guy who sued Bonds and Vick has not sued the World Wide Web.
http://dreadnaught.wordpress.com/2007/08/23/jonathan-lee-riches%c2%a9-v-the-world-wide-web/
yojoe
yojoe at 10:47PM on Sep 25th 2007