***
Wow! Major thanks for over 750 submissions to unscramble Miss South Carolina's answer to Aimee Teegarden's stumper last weekend. (Remember: The winner gets my Kung Fu t-shirt. Worn only twice!)
The answers ranged wildly in creativity and coherence. The finalists demonstrated adeptness with both - and a future in military intelligence. (I wonder how many of the submissions came from former WWII code breakers.)
FIRST SOME HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"Kay In Cal" brought Miss SC to life with stage directions. A perfect evening of light theater:
"Have maps? That should help. [laugh knowingly]
In the future, the people out there (such as Africa, the Asian countries... everywhere) and here should help our able Americans to build up our U.S. education. For I-and we-should be the help.
Some are unable to do so personally, such as over in south Iraq or in South Africa, because they don't like our nation. And so will Iraq like that? Uh-uh. [shake head]
I believe in the U.S. and our education; and I believe that the U.S should believe. [smile. wave.]"
"Sokiemae" transported Miss SC to the Far East, in the form of a haiku:
"Our Americans
They don't believe in maps like
Asian countries and
Our able nation
Should help our education
to build the future
Should people here help
I believe the U.S. should
everywhere we are
Help the unable
South Africa and Iraq
Have education
Because there will be
some that believe the U.S.
should such as I do"
"themkickingpoe" brought a visual flair. (As the writer put it, "notice the overriding message spelled out by the first letter in each row. Coincidence? Or is there more to Miss Teen SC than meets the eye?"):
"I like our
nation, and
they should
have some
education over here.
Should I believe in so-so South Africa,
or the Asian countries such as that Iraq? In the
u.s., we believe that
the U.S. should
help the U.S.
I do believe that
americans and the South are able
to build our
education...
and unable to help,
like, uh, Africa
out
there. And,
our
future and
maps,
uh,
don't personally help
people up... such as in
iraq.
everywhere
should be for our will. Because."
[Briliant, but she used more words than Miss SC did - hence her honorable mention.]
"Homer Glumplick" had one of the first best lines:
"Help! I, I don't like Asian people or maps!"
But there could only be six finalists... (I couldn't narrow it to five.)
THE FINALISTS:
1. "Garrett Baldwin" starts Miss SC off with fierce anti-immigrant rhetoric, then has her implore us to focus on our current overseas commitments (Iraq and Africa):
"I personally don't like South Americans. Our nation should have maps and I believe our education over here should build up Iraq and help unable people in Africa. The U.S. will help everywhere such as in South Africa and, like, Iraq. Uh, the U.S. should be able to do so because I believe in our U.S. education and such. As for the Asian countries? They are our future so we believe that should help out some and uh that or that there the to the (Random Gargling Sound)"
2. "Noel Heitemann" presents an exuberantly and unapologetically nation-building Miss SC:
"The Americans are so the future! I like our nation in that...in that...because we build up education here, over there, and everywhere! The U.S. should help out. Some people don't believe in countries such as, uh, such as our South Africa and our Iraq. They should believe. Personally, I do. And the U.S should believe, should help. Our maps for South Africa and Iraq will be unable, or, uh, able to help Asian education to have that. And so I like the U.S. "
3. "BuBuNeeNee"'s post shows us a humble, plaintive Miss SC asking the rest of the world for help:
"I believe that our education here in the U.S. should have some, uh, help. Our Americans are so unable to help our nation because we don't, uh, like education.
People in the U.S. should believe in and/or like maps. Personally, I will.
The countries out everywhere such as South Africa and Iraq and the Asian build up for the future.
I believe that South Africa and Iraq should help our U.S. such as over there and that they should be able to do so."
4. "Kal" portrays a frantic Miss SC, terrified by globalization and the rise of China:
"Iraq . . . . the U.S. . . . Africa . . . SOUTH Africa . . . they are everywhere in our maps!! I personally don't have uh future. For our nation to build up our education like the Asian countries, people should HELP because I be unable to do so!!!!! And, uh . . . like, I believe that we should help our Americans over there in Iraq believe that such education will help out here in the U.S. . . . or the South and as in such . . . and so, should some believe the U.S. as that able?"
5. "Emily Hopper" brings us a unique Miss SC. At first, she seems totally surprised by the question. Ultimately her outlook is classic Dobbsian (as in Lou), but she brings a peppiness to her nativist politics:
"Uh,... maps???
I believe that as the Americans are unable to do our education here, the able and/or Asian countries will be our future. (Sooo over for the U.S.!)
Some people out there don't like our nation. I personally believe that so, because, uh... they believe the U.S. should have to help everywhere.
South Africa, and such, should help in South Africa, and Iraq, and such, should help in Iraq.
And we, as in "the U.S.", should build up our education. I like that."
6. "Grant" presents a Palmetto State trailblazer. The FIRST stuttering Miss South Carolina (A door has been opened!):
"We Americans should be able to, so that ... that in the future some Asian countries such as ... such as South Africa will like and there for help out the ... the U.S. I personally are unable to do so because over here in the South our ... our people don't believe in maps.
I believe ... believe that education should ... should ... help ... help build up our ... our nation. They should have education everywhere, like ... uh ... Africa, and ... and Iraq ... Iraq, and ... and ... or ... the ... uh ... U.S. ... U.S."
VOTE NOW! POLLS CLOSE FRIDAY 10AM EST
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 3)
16. KAL, #4 I like your take on this one! You got my vote!!
kcates1 at 3:16PM on Aug 30th 2007
17. Small people with small minds (and other things) laugh at people who are doing something that they themselves would naver have the balls to do. Try getting up in front of thousands, (millions counting the audience sitting in front of the vast wasteland of TV) and answer a question coherently.
She's a kid for crissakes!
Cee G at 4:04PM on Aug 30th 2007
18. Aw Mo,
I think you have overlooked a diamond in the rough.
When I was a child, my Grandfather purchased a subscription to National Geographic for me as a Birthday present. I was most titelated (sic) by its offerings. But, mostly, I was delighted with the enclosed maps. I hung them on my walls next to Jesus.
I think we need more free maps.
What do you think?
And while you are aquiring maps: Good luck finding Pixley County, home to Hank Kimball, Independent for President, 2008.
John Giza at 4:24PM on Aug 30th 2007
19. Haha, I love Kay in Cal's stage directions! Too funny.
I definitely will vote for Garrett Baldwin's version. The first line alone, got my attention. But besides that, I believe his is the most well-written.
Hope you win!!
Game Theory for Applied Economics Nerd at 4:24PM on Aug 30th 2007
20. No Mo, I'm not THE Chris Elliott, merely a Chris Elliott. Thanks for your prompt reply though. I do think it's ungentlemanly to make too much of this girl's gaffe. It has resonated with all of the Internet thunder of the dramatic prairie dog, so I can understand your position of being practically required to craft a take on it. Still, be kind. Save the invective for the real assholes. There are plenty to go around.
Chris Elliott at 4:39PM on Aug 30th 2007
21. Well one shameless plug deserves another:
Kids, my new blog is up, and I hope it is as successful as the last one. Go check it out at martarusek.blogspot.com.
I expect a comment or two, Mo! And Blayze! And Game Theory!
Marta R. at 4:30PM on Aug 30th 2007
22. Mo,
Did you know that people trust criticism over praise, and will react to it more readily... anyway, you didn't answer the lady who wanted the shirt but answered right after your haircut was in question. I filed it away in my mental database as proof to that theory.
Alexandria at 4:34PM on Aug 30th 2007
23. Hi Mo - I love the honorable mention (and subliminal message therein) entry and Robyn's response.... I understand about the competition being tight. Tough call.
Thanks for the tongue-in-cheek and that's called HUMOR to you folks who missed it.... See you on the tube tonight! I rarely watch Leno (competes with Colbert) but will surf to yours.
Still waiting for that beer you promised several blogs ago... (some kinda teacher who shamelessly made corrections)
StillWaitingAtTheBar at 5:06PM on Aug 30th 2007
24. This GBSCCW non-bigheaded former English teacher, current editor who has never smoked pot and who has spawned a blonde but articulate 18-year-old right here in the Palmetto state says you absolutely have a tie between #2 and #5. Word.
EmptyNest at 5:28PM on Aug 30th 2007
25. My head is whirling from another day of meditating, social observing, art history, smoking marijuana, and thumbing through a Tom Wolfe novel praising and lamenting the 2000's. All very typical in the digital age of dystrophy we live in.
I see my lackluster entry did not make it into the final batch of finalists. Darn, and I really wanted that kung-fu shirt. I am not surprised though, I was more intent on being sure my entry had used the word, 'education' only three times as Mo instructed. How dare me if I went over four. I should have went with my gut instead and gone with something more comical. Ah well.
I need a cigarette, a glass of wine, and a big picture book filled with lots of artwork in it to muse over right now. I have voted, given my democratic opportunity but I will not divulge whom I have voted for. Best of luck to all finalists.
Your friend, Blayze "Shaggy" O'Brien from the Bee
Blayze at 5:23PM on Aug 30th 2007
26. Cee G - Mo has tried answering a question coherently in front of a large audience, and I think he does very well with it. I don't see why this should be off-limits to comment on. The pageant has been widely criticized, and proponents' main defense has been that it also takes intelligence and speaking ability into account. Clearly, if this young woman placed third (and got the state title!), those claims that it is more than just a beauty contest cannot be taken too seriously.
I liked the haiku entry. If it were an option, I would have voted for it.
Dunkly at 6:46PM on Aug 30th 2007
27. For cryin'out loud folks. Calm down on feeling sorry for her. She is getting great media attention.Even she has said the answer makes no sense. I surely think she is probably not that sorry aboiut it now that she has her 15 minutes and is all over the internet. She and her friends will have a pizza party tonight,watch what Mo has to say on Jay and a good time will be had by all. I figure she is going to be an instant hit on campus when school starts.
oilinmylamp at 7:05PM on Aug 30th 2007
28. Contestants,
I have a well proven MACHINE to win MO's items. Mo's contests are hard fought and well worth the reward. But how can I let all of you in on the secret?
Joe
WatchWinnerJoe at 7:59PM on Aug 30th 2007
29. Mo! C'mon! The subliminal message one was great and she's right, it didn't use too many words. You might want to recount. Besides, I am a teacher in the south and can attest to what mud pies do to the mind....
RoRichard2 at 9:23PM on Aug 30th 2007
30. Lots of fun, Mo. I hope you do another contest in the future as I didn't get a chance to compete this time.
HEY--Maybe the prize could be your voice on the winner's answering machine! Or maybe that's not so original afterall. I'd hate for "Wait, Wait" to take legal action against our favorite guest--or whatever you are.
I agree with Dunkly about the haiku entry and would have voted for it as well.
maczimum at 9:54PM on Aug 30th 2007