***
Wow! Major thanks for over 750 submissions to unscramble Miss South Carolina's answer to Aimee Teegarden's stumper last weekend. (Remember: The winner gets my Kung Fu t-shirt. Worn only twice!)
The answers ranged wildly in creativity and coherence. The finalists demonstrated adeptness with both - and a future in military intelligence. (I wonder how many of the submissions came from former WWII code breakers.)
FIRST SOME HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"Kay In Cal" brought Miss SC to life with stage directions. A perfect evening of light theater:
"Have maps? That should help. [laugh knowingly]
In the future, the people out there (such as Africa, the Asian countries... everywhere) and here should help our able Americans to build up our U.S. education. For I-and we-should be the help.
Some are unable to do so personally, such as over in south Iraq or in South Africa, because they don't like our nation. And so will Iraq like that? Uh-uh. [shake head]
I believe in the U.S. and our education; and I believe that the U.S should believe. [smile. wave.]"
"Sokiemae" transported Miss SC to the Far East, in the form of a haiku:
"Our Americans
They don't believe in maps like
Asian countries and
Our able nation
Should help our education
to build the future
Should people here help
I believe the U.S. should
everywhere we are
Help the unable
South Africa and Iraq
Have education
Because there will be
some that believe the U.S.
should such as I do"
"themkickingpoe" brought a visual flair. (As the writer put it, "notice the overriding message spelled out by the first letter in each row. Coincidence? Or is there more to Miss Teen SC than meets the eye?"):
"I like our
nation, and
they should
have some
education over here.
Should I believe in so-so South Africa,
or the Asian countries such as that Iraq? In the
u.s., we believe that
the U.S. should
help the U.S.
I do believe that
americans and the South are able
to build our
education...
and unable to help,
like, uh, Africa
out
there. And,
our
future and
maps,
uh,
don't personally help
people up... such as in
iraq.
everywhere
should be for our will. Because."
[Briliant, but she used more words than Miss SC did - hence her honorable mention.]
"Homer Glumplick" had one of the first best lines:
"Help! I, I don't like Asian people or maps!"
But there could only be six finalists... (I couldn't narrow it to five.)
THE FINALISTS:
1. "Garrett Baldwin" starts Miss SC off with fierce anti-immigrant rhetoric, then has her implore us to focus on our current overseas commitments (Iraq and Africa):
"I personally don't like South Americans. Our nation should have maps and I believe our education over here should build up Iraq and help unable people in Africa. The U.S. will help everywhere such as in South Africa and, like, Iraq. Uh, the U.S. should be able to do so because I believe in our U.S. education and such. As for the Asian countries? They are our future so we believe that should help out some and uh that or that there the to the (Random Gargling Sound)"
2. "Noel Heitemann" presents an exuberantly and unapologetically nation-building Miss SC:
"The Americans are so the future! I like our nation in that...in that...because we build up education here, over there, and everywhere! The U.S. should help out. Some people don't believe in countries such as, uh, such as our South Africa and our Iraq. They should believe. Personally, I do. And the U.S should believe, should help. Our maps for South Africa and Iraq will be unable, or, uh, able to help Asian education to have that. And so I like the U.S. "
3. "BuBuNeeNee"'s post shows us a humble, plaintive Miss SC asking the rest of the world for help:
"I believe that our education here in the U.S. should have some, uh, help. Our Americans are so unable to help our nation because we don't, uh, like education.
People in the U.S. should believe in and/or like maps. Personally, I will.
The countries out everywhere such as South Africa and Iraq and the Asian build up for the future.
I believe that South Africa and Iraq should help our U.S. such as over there and that they should be able to do so."
4. "Kal" portrays a frantic Miss SC, terrified by globalization and the rise of China:
"Iraq . . . . the U.S. . . . Africa . . . SOUTH Africa . . . they are everywhere in our maps!! I personally don't have uh future. For our nation to build up our education like the Asian countries, people should HELP because I be unable to do so!!!!! And, uh . . . like, I believe that we should help our Americans over there in Iraq believe that such education will help out here in the U.S. . . . or the South and as in such . . . and so, should some believe the U.S. as that able?"
5. "Emily Hopper" brings us a unique Miss SC. At first, she seems totally surprised by the question. Ultimately her outlook is classic Dobbsian (as in Lou), but she brings a peppiness to her nativist politics:
"Uh,... maps???
I believe that as the Americans are unable to do our education here, the able and/or Asian countries will be our future. (Sooo over for the U.S.!)
Some people out there don't like our nation. I personally believe that so, because, uh... they believe the U.S. should have to help everywhere.
South Africa, and such, should help in South Africa, and Iraq, and such, should help in Iraq.
And we, as in "the U.S.", should build up our education. I like that."
6. "Grant" presents a Palmetto State trailblazer. The FIRST stuttering Miss South Carolina (A door has been opened!):
"We Americans should be able to, so that ... that in the future some Asian countries such as ... such as South Africa will like and there for help out the ... the U.S. I personally are unable to do so because over here in the South our ... our people don't believe in maps.
I believe ... believe that education should ... should ... help ... help build up our ... our nation. They should have education everywhere, like ... uh ... Africa, and ... and Iraq ... Iraq, and ... and ... or ... the ... uh ... U.S. ... U.S."
VOTE NOW! POLLS CLOSE FRIDAY 10AM EST
Reader Comments ( Page 3 of 3)
31.
Ms. Upton is going to be fine. How fortunate she is to get the most embarrassing moment of her life out of the way at age 18 and not later in her life. She didn't concuss herself between Will Ferrell's thighs (Meredith Viera) or go bat crap crazy on Oprah (Tom Cruise) or get caught with her toe-tappin' pants down after a quarter century as an elected official. She'll turn this into a spokesmodel gig for Google Maps or Garmin sat-nav, and she'll put herself through college where she'll learn that "like such as" is not punctuation.
Mo...please post again about the state songs. I have a whole list for you, but comments should be relevant to posts.
slackferno at 12:33AM on Aug 31st 2007
32. what were you thinking choosing any of these people for finalists! not one of their answers made any sense. did you not get to the entry by andrea smallwood, it was coherant, every word was used, and it made sense. if your not going to take the time to actually read every entry, dont invite people into a contest. what a scam!
andrea smallwood at 1:28AM on Aug 31st 2007
33. Have to agree with Andrea, only five and six were worthy of being finalists. Mo must have stopped after reading 50 entries. Should have asked for help determining finalists.
Found this later entry :-) much funnier.
724. Should we help the U.S. South?
Like, I personally believe that as our U.S. Americans are like unable to do so because uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps or the education. I believe that Africa and Iraq and everywhere that they should help in the South and so, should build up our education over here in the U.S. For, as such, Africa, Iraq and the Asian countries will help our future.
Uh, I believe such and should be able to!
Cmonie at 10:01AM on Aug 29th 2007
Peace
Cmonie at 2:55AM on Aug 31st 2007
34. There were too many entries to judge. How could one person possibly evaluate 700-ish entries in that period of time? The finalists, while commendable, were not the best entries. I'm sure Mo and the finalists might disagree, but they would be wrong. There were superior entries, both in coherence and creativity. Ah, I must be too partial to mine own offspring...and too disgruntled at its disappearance in the murk of internet oblivion... Can someone please tell me that my entry is more qualified by Mo's stated criteria? Quote:
773. Here you go...tell me what you think. A little wild on rhetorical devices. I think I used each word, but I added (our children), because she said it after the mic was pulled away, so the quoted text is inaccurate. It works without (our children), but I thought it was a clever addition and good fit. I was also satisfied with the ending.
I believe in Americans.
That—and I believe in our U.S.
That—and I believe in our future.
We should help our people, build up our nation.
Other such countries, like Iraq, and like South Africa (and some that are Asian), don’t have such maps everywhere.
Over here they do. There…so-so.
Because personally, the U.S. should—should—help out (our children); as the will to such education should be able to help.
Or should the unable? Uh…
As for “the” South Africa and “the” Iraq: uh…help U.S.?
Hawgdriver at 5:05AM on Aug 31st 2007
35. Come on, people! The first one was definitely best.
mung at 5:13AM on Aug 31st 2007
36. Cee, why are you defending her.
Alexandria at 2:56PM on Aug 31st 2007