That's why I was pleasantly surprised by my trip to Chicago this past week to tape NPR's Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me! I love doing this show, especially when I win - and when the flights are on time and only half-full, as they were this week.
The American Airlines flight attendants on flight 386 seemed reborn: easy laughs, sparkling smiles, a spring in their step. Like Watergate-era Braniff babes, but without the menace of hands grabbing at their asses. How happy did they seem? They offered me a lime twist for my sparkling water before I even asked. It was sheer joy ... until the end of my return flight.
I'd brought a banana on board with me, purchased at an O'Hare Starbucks. Bananas are easy. You can stow them in the pocket of the seat in front until you're ready to start peeling. Unless that pocket is jam packed, the banana should be able to sustain the squeeze and won't start oozing, even if the fruit is 75% water. (If you're still worried about creating a safe space for your banana, place a snapple bottle in the pocket to force it open - though that looks a little ghetto.)
When the pilot announced that we would begin our descent, I rushed to grab my banana in my left hand, broke the stem with my teeth, and stripped the peel with my right. (Yes, I peel from the stem down.) It would take me about three bites to wolf down the fruit. Just in time for Terry, the pixie-ish flight attendant assigned to collect trash.
"Garbage ... garbage ... garbage," she cooed. Terry had a great tan and a short sassy haircut. (She looked a lot like a blond Catherine Keener.) She was only three rows away, sauntering towards us, looking from left to right, calling out to passengers on the beat. "Garbage ... garbage ... yes, I'll take the newspapers..."
I'm hardwired to please flight attendants. This dates from a family trip to California when I was 11, and we flew Western Airlines from Washington, D.C. to San Francisco. I was dressed in my tan Pierre Cardin suit my parents had purchased from Woodward and Lothrop in Friendship Heights. (My grandmother worked there and got us a 20% discount.) I was so excited to fly that every time time our "stewardess" asked a question, I'd answer, "Yes, please, thank you, ma'am!"
Finally she burst out, "You are so ... polite for a young man!" Oh, I felt so validated.
Twenty-seven years later I was still that young boy, swallowing my banana as fast as I could, so that I could give Terry my garbage in time for landing - and make her happy. It wasn't as easy as I thought: the edible portion (also known as the "finger') was a teensy bit fibrous (Starbucks bananas are never ripe enough), so I began chewing frantically.
The clock was ticking. Terry was at our row now, facing the other direction, collecting a Jamba Juice cup. She was about to turn to us. That's when it occurred to me: I was in a window seat - next to a nice Chicago couple on their way to the U.S. Open. Terry wasn't going to reach over them with the garbage bag so I could drop my peel in. Instead she and I would be making a hand-to-hand transfer.
In a split-second decision, I took a final bite, right to the base of the banana's spine, then grabbed the "butt" of the banana (the hard exterior knot opposite the stem) and held it from above in my right hand, the peel strips dangling downward. I was conscious that Terry might not want contact with the moist interior of my peel. Offering the peel's smooth exterior seemed like the best, most considerate, handover option.
I reached over, across the man in the middle seat. But Terry didn't make eye contact.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," I said.
Again, Terry didn't make eye contact.
Above: I offer Terry my banana peel. Why won't she respond?
"Ma'am," I said. But Terry had moved past. That's when the man next to me, who'd shrunk back from my peel, handed me a cocktail napkin.
"Here, try this," he said with an uncomfortable smile. I immediately understood the implication: My peel was dirty. He thought I should wrap it in the napkin. Never mind that I'd offered Terry the outside, which had probably been fondled by hundreds of people - from pickers in Costa Rica, to truckers in Laredo, to colorists at the Starbucks banana outlet!
There just wasn't time to argue. We were descending fast and Terry was getting ready to dump her trash and strap herself into a jump seat in the rear of the cabin. I unfurled the napkin and rolled up my sad yellow garbage.
"Ma'am! Please."
Terry suddenly could hear me. (Well how about that?) She turned around, strode back up the aisle, grabbed my shrouded peel, and unceremoniously dropped it in her bag.
"I'm sorry," she said with a shudder. "I have real banana peel issues." She splayed the fingers of her free hand, to emphasize disgust, then disappeared.
Above: "The Shroud of Chiquita." Terry accepts my offering.
My mind reeled: Had I violated banana peel protocol? Had I offered her something unhygienic? Even if I had pinched the butt of the peel from below and offered it to her with the peel strips draping down, the gunky lining exposed, would that have been dirty? I don't think so.
Above: How I could have handed over the peel. I chose not to.
The fact is, a banana peel is not an apple core. No CSI sleuth could find a trace of saliva on any part of the yellow remnant, with the possible exception of the nub left at the base of the spine. Surely Terry wouldn't have had the same reaction to an orange peel.
Sorry, but she acted like I was handing her a used condom!
In fact, I wonder if the shape of the banana - and the transformation that the peel undergoes - is the root of Terry's (and I'm guessing many others') "banana peel issues." Could the banana peel represent a marriage that began promisingly and ended virtually sexless? (Then again, don't most marriages begin like an unripe banana before turning to flaccid peels? Isn't that why married couples have kids?)
Do you have "banana peel issues"? Does the peel freak you out? And is there a banana peel protocol you follow? What are your thoughts on and associations with banana peels? Please share them with us!!!!
***
In other news, my next-door neighbors have set a new record for getting baked. They've been smoking pretty non-stop for the last four days. Yesterday I saw my other neighbor, from the other side, out front of our building.
"Can you believe how much those guys smoke?" I asked this other neighbor. (Super nice Israeli guy who plays the guitar.)
"Yeah, we smell it all the time," he said. "But we thought it was you."
Obviously he doesn't read my blog.
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 4)
1.
I don't have much of a relationshio with bananas these days. I am very picky about my bananas. They have to be slightly green, somewhat firm amd sweet. It is virtually impossible to get one home that will be okay to eat in the next day or so. I have tried everything. I usually try to find one that is very green, somewhat green, slightly green, conventonal and organic. I buy an assortment in different stages of developement.
Alas I always fail. Bananas are very rebellious . No matter what I do by the time I drive it home it is on it's way to it's transformation to a brown, mushy or in some way just crapy banana I have all but given up on them. Once in a while I take a chance a get one that meets my criteria. It is a crap shoot. It is a matter of luck or skill to pick a winner. I applaud you on eating a banana although you said it was not quite right. I think most bananas are some kind of mutant fruit. Their lifespan is a nanosecond, They especially hate to travel. No sooner than do you get them in a car, in a bag. in a purse, They immediately get back at you and turn brown . I have tried to put them in the refrigerator but they get weird. I heard freezing them works and then throw them in the blender.
If anyone knows how to obtain a happy banana, let me know. I really do like bananas. Mainly in cereal. I just wiah they would stop stabbing me in the back.
marsha beckerman at 4:55PM on Sep 9th 2007
2. Oh, how funny! No, that flight attendant just has OCD issues. I flew to Seoul from Chicago and back on Korean Air, and that is one of the mid flight snacks they hand out. Those flight attendants had no qualms taking the peel. You should have just said, "Well, I have issues with flight attendants with banana peel issues."
moongoddess5876 at 4:58PM on Sep 9th 2007
3. hey mo. i would think that her issue would be that the she would get sticky from the inside of the twisted peel, or oil from the peel. generally common courtesy says any refuse not having a solid container left to dispose of the item (ie empty soda can, sandwich wrapper, etc) SHOULD be wrapped in a napkin to dispose of. it is not really a germ thing...more of a "get some on me" thing. not just bananas...anything really. you could have been eating an orange, but you would not just pass along a handful of broken up, citrus oil covered rhind, would ya? you would place it in a napkin and then dispose of it...like the well mannered, properly raised lad that we know you are.
i think this upset you enough to blog because you didn't get the stewardess' "approval"...but don't worry mo..the rest of us still like ya.
michelle at 5:00PM on Sep 9th 2007
4. I feel for you. I have frequently been looked upon with disgust by people who are somehow sickened by seemingly innocuous habits of mine... like letting my mouth surround the entire opening of a soda bottle when I take a swig (creating a secure seal)... Or collecting my cats' fugitive whiskers and poking them into my mouse pad ( whisker graveyards are known to improve the memory)... or eating wall plaster.
I don't think you should take it too personally. People have weird aversions that don't seem to make sense. I, for instance, can't stand taking cotton out of a medicine bottle. It gives me a heebie jeebie. I shudder to think of it. I also don't like to touch certain soft materials when I am sleeping... like those velvety textured blankets that go in between sheets and bed spreads in hotel rooms. My mom hates to have her fingernails touched, but loves it when people rest their fingers gently over her nostrils. Another friend of mine is freaked out by eating off of the little wooden spoons that come with small cups of ice cream. The bizarre thing to me is, there are other people I know that hate the same exact things. Maybe banana peels are unappealing (sorry) to a certain segment to the population for no good reason. They do kind of remind me of a mucous membrane, in that they are moist and squishy on the inside. One false move with the peel and the the sticky side could come into contact with flesh. Some people have a real problem with sticky moisture on their skin, even briefly. I feel bad for their significant others,
I love bananas, but I am repulsed by artificial banana flavoring. (think “runts” candy... blech!)
When I was little, I saw an episode of Mr. Wizard where he teaches the kids to cut a banana in half before it is peeled. It is simple. You just sew into the middle a bunch of times... it leaves little spots that blend in perfectly with the typical “deadly black tarantula” markings on a standard banana. I am not familiar with the starbucks variety of bananas though, so proceed with caution.
themkickingpoe at 5:08PM on Sep 9th 2007
5. I’m an apple and plum man myself but those yellow, squishy pods of mush have come in handy occasionally. Whenever I was in a rush, I’d scarf down one of those bad boys and bolted to class. However, bananas just don’t cut it anymore for me. They tend to be more trouble than they are worth. Your best bet when it comes to a fresh scrumptious banana is probably picking it yourself in some Costa Rican banana farm. And even then, you’re risking it with malaria and the possible banana thief. Still, there’s no better source for potassium.
As for disposal of the peel, that’s pretty simple. The less slimy exterior usually works well enough when handling it and it’s not like you’re throwing away an old crusty apple core. However, this flight attendant you ran into was just, to put it simply, she was bananas.
Nice to know your neighbors are bonafide potheads. I’m surprised they can afford all that mary jane and still afford a Manhattan apartment. Perhaps they are just former hippies turned Wall Street investors. Also Mo, if you didn’t catch it, I ran into Jen Simard again at the ‘Bee’. Fun times indeed.
Now go praise the Shroud of Chiquita.
Your friend, Blayze “Shaggy” O’Brien from the Bee
Blayze at 5:15PM on Sep 9th 2007
6. I want to know why this post didn't have a warning issued with it, like your other Erotica posts.
Hilarious! And of course, I love the pictures.
Bananas are cool with me. I especially like them in banana pudding with nilla wafers. Mmm, yummy. (Just like you know who.)
giftedgirl at 5:18PM on Sep 9th 2007
7. I personally only fear stepping on banana peels and landing on my bum with my feet and hands flailing, a la old school Saturday morning cartoons.
And I do have qualms over the development of the domesticated banana into a sterile plant. Isn't it a bit frightening that banana sex is fruitless?
Oh, and I appreciate the wikipedia link.
mo-NEEK-a at 5:34PM on Sep 9th 2007
8. A little poem I remember from a drunken early morning breakfast - it just isn't the same in writing as it was when Colleen (all 300+ lbs. of her) stood up at the table and with lust in her eyes and in a throaty (and loud) voice recited the following poem - with feeling . . .
You peel it down the left,
You peel it down the right,
You peel it down the middle and
YUM
You take a bite!
ps - I saw you at a taping in Chicago and you were great- but you didn't win - Roxanne Roberts did - seems she gets lots of hints!
nancy at 5:49PM on Sep 9th 2007
9. God you know, I have been talking to my psychotherapist about this very thing! My banana peel issues and phobias have been affecting my life for quite some time. I can barely keep a job anymore because of it. It's just this constant struggle. I just remember, to take deep breaths every time I see a banana peel. And try to remember, it won’t hurt me.
Haha, the photos are quite entertaining.
Game Theory for Applied Economics Nerd at 7:08PM on Sep 9th 2007
10. My friend eats only the top 1/3 of the banana. According to him that's where all the nutrition is. I think that counts as banana protocol.
loring at 7:13PM on Sep 9th 2007
11. Mo, Iraq is a lot like your banana to Democrats. President Bush tucked it away nicely behind the threat of another 9-11. This prevented us from digesting all the facts as his administration prepares for landing. Iraq was tough to chew like a fibrous fruit and America is acting like your perky stewardess. There comes a time to do your job and sometimes you've got to get a little dirty. The peel is Iraq and it has "cooties". Al Qaeda is a plague we all don't want to contract. We just want to close our eyes and walk away like your hot stewardess. It's not deliberate. America is not afraid of a little dirty work. Our soldiers are busting their butts for us and making us all proud. Iraq is not about the Democrats, it's about the people that are too good to clean up a mess. Why don't some of us want to touch this mess? Some of us think we're just too good or too rich to clean up a mess. Shame on our snobs. Democrats are trying to wrap Iraq in something that makes it more sanitary. We fail miserably because President Bush keeps reminding America of all the cooties. Osama Bin Laden is a cooty and he gets more air time than Wolf Blitzer! Before I lose you, how long can we the people ignore doing the right thing? We've been living with cooties, germs, and evil bananas like Bin Laden long before Bush took office. What changed? Bush slipped on a loose peel and he keeps threatening us that it could happen again if we don't trust him. We want to trust him, but we can't. Democrats keep yelling for the stewardess and she's strapped in her seat waiting to land safely. America doesn't want to do the right thing and Congress doesn't want to risk catching a nasty virus either. We're stuck holding Bush's trash. To close, America sees Iraq as a used condom more than any banana. Iraq joined the "Mile High Club" by President Bush and it's stuck the locked and upright position. Someone is eventually going to have to clean up Bush's mess. Republicans would like to just wait for the janitors to clean the mess as they clean the plane. A Democrat will clean up Iraq sometime. It's our honor to do the dirty work for America like fighting wars and ending occupations. Have you ever had the pleasure of cleaning up the projectile vomit from a drunken fratboy? You just can't let it or him sit there. He'll do it again if you don't hold him accountable.
Cecil Jones at 7:15PM on Sep 9th 2007
12. Don't the stewardesses wear plastic gloves when they collect the trash? If she was she could accept any banana configuration. You are the customer so you shouldn't have to feel awkward.
In Japanese they have a phrase devoted exactly to that awkward (not limited to bananas) feeling, "kommate imasu." Japanese people are always looking for people who are feeling awkward or lost - that's why their service is so awesome compared to ours!
Anyways I am sure she has serious banana phallic issues. You are very sweet Mo to be concerned about helping her do her job.
Cheers!
Heather
Heather at 8:26PM on Sep 9th 2007
13. Hiya Mo!
You know? I ate so many bananas (being from Mexico it was a staple on my diet) when I was a kid, that I ended up *loathing* them.
However, I sympathize.
My favorite banana peel is The Velvet Underground's... actually, when my novel was published, early this year, the banana peel motif was part of the advertising strategy.
The novel is titled "Todas las Fiestas de Mañana" (after the song, "All Tomorrow's Parties") and the tag line was "Peel slowly and read."
Much hugs.
Spain Reads You Mo!
Miguel Cane at 8:48PM on Sep 9th 2007
14. like letting my mouth surround the entire opening of a soda bottle when I take a swig (creating a secure seal).
Really that is unusual? I do that all the time to. I don't like the taste of bananas for some weird reason, but that flight attendant should get used to stuff, she is there to pick up trash.
Eliza at 9:12PM on Sep 9th 2007
15. Sometimes a banana is just a banana.
rivercelt at 9:51PM on Sep 9th 2007