That's why I was pleasantly surprised by my trip to Chicago this past week to tape NPR's Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me! I love doing this show, especially when I win - and when the flights are on time and only half-full, as they were this week.
The American Airlines flight attendants on flight 386 seemed reborn: easy laughs, sparkling smiles, a spring in their step. Like Watergate-era Braniff babes, but without the menace of hands grabbing at their asses. How happy did they seem? They offered me a lime twist for my sparkling water before I even asked. It was sheer joy ... until the end of my return flight.
I'd brought a banana on board with me, purchased at an O'Hare Starbucks. Bananas are easy. You can stow them in the pocket of the seat in front until you're ready to start peeling. Unless that pocket is jam packed, the banana should be able to sustain the squeeze and won't start oozing, even if the fruit is 75% water. (If you're still worried about creating a safe space for your banana, place a snapple bottle in the pocket to force it open - though that looks a little ghetto.)
When the pilot announced that we would begin our descent, I rushed to grab my banana in my left hand, broke the stem with my teeth, and stripped the peel with my right. (Yes, I peel from the stem down.) It would take me about three bites to wolf down the fruit. Just in time for Terry, the pixie-ish flight attendant assigned to collect trash.
"Garbage ... garbage ... garbage," she cooed. Terry had a great tan and a short sassy haircut. (She looked a lot like a blond Catherine Keener.) She was only three rows away, sauntering towards us, looking from left to right, calling out to passengers on the beat. "Garbage ... garbage ... yes, I'll take the newspapers..."
I'm hardwired to please flight attendants. This dates from a family trip to California when I was 11, and we flew Western Airlines from Washington, D.C. to San Francisco. I was dressed in my tan Pierre Cardin suit my parents had purchased from Woodward and Lothrop in Friendship Heights. (My grandmother worked there and got us a 20% discount.) I was so excited to fly that every time time our "stewardess" asked a question, I'd answer, "Yes, please, thank you, ma'am!"
Finally she burst out, "You are so ... polite for a young man!" Oh, I felt so validated.
Twenty-seven years later I was still that young boy, swallowing my banana as fast as I could, so that I could give Terry my garbage in time for landing - and make her happy. It wasn't as easy as I thought: the edible portion (also known as the "finger') was a teensy bit fibrous (Starbucks bananas are never ripe enough), so I began chewing frantically.
The clock was ticking. Terry was at our row now, facing the other direction, collecting a Jamba Juice cup. She was about to turn to us. That's when it occurred to me: I was in a window seat - next to a nice Chicago couple on their way to the U.S. Open. Terry wasn't going to reach over them with the garbage bag so I could drop my peel in. Instead she and I would be making a hand-to-hand transfer.
In a split-second decision, I took a final bite, right to the base of the banana's spine, then grabbed the "butt" of the banana (the hard exterior knot opposite the stem) and held it from above in my right hand, the peel strips dangling downward. I was conscious that Terry might not want contact with the moist interior of my peel. Offering the peel's smooth exterior seemed like the best, most considerate, handover option.
I reached over, across the man in the middle seat. But Terry didn't make eye contact.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," I said.
Again, Terry didn't make eye contact.
Above: I offer Terry my banana peel. Why won't she respond?
"Ma'am," I said. But Terry had moved past. That's when the man next to me, who'd shrunk back from my peel, handed me a cocktail napkin.
"Here, try this," he said with an uncomfortable smile. I immediately understood the implication: My peel was dirty. He thought I should wrap it in the napkin. Never mind that I'd offered Terry the outside, which had probably been fondled by hundreds of people - from pickers in Costa Rica, to truckers in Laredo, to colorists at the Starbucks banana outlet!
There just wasn't time to argue. We were descending fast and Terry was getting ready to dump her trash and strap herself into a jump seat in the rear of the cabin. I unfurled the napkin and rolled up my sad yellow garbage.
"Ma'am! Please."
Terry suddenly could hear me. (Well how about that?) She turned around, strode back up the aisle, grabbed my shrouded peel, and unceremoniously dropped it in her bag.
"I'm sorry," she said with a shudder. "I have real banana peel issues." She splayed the fingers of her free hand, to emphasize disgust, then disappeared.
Above: "The Shroud of Chiquita." Terry accepts my offering.
My mind reeled: Had I violated banana peel protocol? Had I offered her something unhygienic? Even if I had pinched the butt of the peel from below and offered it to her with the peel strips draping down, the gunky lining exposed, would that have been dirty? I don't think so.
Above: How I could have handed over the peel. I chose not to.
The fact is, a banana peel is not an apple core. No CSI sleuth could find a trace of saliva on any part of the yellow remnant, with the possible exception of the nub left at the base of the spine. Surely Terry wouldn't have had the same reaction to an orange peel.
Sorry, but she acted like I was handing her a used condom!
In fact, I wonder if the shape of the banana - and the transformation that the peel undergoes - is the root of Terry's (and I'm guessing many others') "banana peel issues." Could the banana peel represent a marriage that began promisingly and ended virtually sexless? (Then again, don't most marriages begin like an unripe banana before turning to flaccid peels? Isn't that why married couples have kids?)
Do you have "banana peel issues"? Does the peel freak you out? And is there a banana peel protocol you follow? What are your thoughts on and associations with banana peels? Please share them with us!!!!
***
In other news, my next-door neighbors have set a new record for getting baked. They've been smoking pretty non-stop for the last four days. Yesterday I saw my other neighbor, from the other side, out front of our building.
"Can you believe how much those guys smoke?" I asked this other neighbor. (Super nice Israeli guy who plays the guitar.)
"Yeah, we smell it all the time," he said. "But we thought it was you."
Obviously he doesn't read my blog.
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 4)
16. I thought it was going to be about some new security issue about eating banana's on a plane.
Most people have kids just because they get pregnant. But what does that have to do with bananas?
Lauren at 10:20PM on Sep 9th 2007
17. Sometimes a banana is just a banana.
rivercelt at 9:51PM on Sep 9th 2007
18. Marsha - I'm right there with you. When Mo made the comment about Starbucks bananas never being ripe enough, my thought was, "Oh, a banana is never not ripe enough." (Unless you're at the grocery store. Those ones that are dark green and impossible to even peel - they are the only ones I consider not ripe enough. I guarantee Starbucks doesn't sell any bananas like that.)
I need a banana to have some traces of green if I'm going to eat it. I've been validated, too, because apparently the slightly green bananas have a lot more protein and fiber. As they ripen, it turns into sugar. Blech.
Now the banana peel. That is just as exciting a topic for me. I encourage everyone to try a bite (I think it is physically impossible to eat more than one bite) sometime. The convulsions and esophageal spasms that follow are one of those life experiences that no one should ever miss out on.
If you can do that successfully, then move on to a spoonful of pure cinnamon.
Dunkly at 10:21PM on Sep 9th 2007
19. Eliza,
As far as I know, it is harmless... but in the suburbs of San Francisco in 1989, I was more or less a pariah. My then-bff pointed out my behavior as slovenly and unbecoming a 3rd grader.... in front of everyone at lunch recess! I tried to do it her way... neatly tucking my lip under the rim of the opening. This inevitably caused a dribble-down effect that didn't do anything for my already floudering reputation. I realized it was better just to be me. Of course it became easier in college, where diverse drinking practices are more widely accepted...
themkickingpoe at 10:27PM on Sep 9th 2007
20. Wow. This whole spin-off topic on drinking from a bottle really resonates with me. I've always been self-conscious about the way I drink beer from a bottle. My lips are way too pursed. (The opposite of themkickingpoe.) Expect a post on this soon.
Yes, Blayze, that's great that you ran into Jen Simard. She's awesome! Glad you got to see the show again.
Mo Rocca at 11:24PM on Sep 9th 2007
21. just relax your lips, and let the beer pour gently into your mouth.
mo-NEEK-a at 11:36PM on Sep 9th 2007
22. Yes it was quite nice to see it again. I may just go see the 1,000th performance later this month. Maurice Murphy (the other Mo at the Bee) is talking to me via Myspace now. I feel honored to be rubbing elbows with so many Broadway stars including yourself.
I look forward to the alcohol consumption protocol topic. I usually go with John Giza’s technique, when I’m sober. After the drunkenness sets it, it tends to be a game of gesturing and pointing towards one’s mouth, indicating ‘it goes in here!’. More on this nonsense later.
Blayze at 12:40AM on Sep 10th 2007
23. themkickingpoe,
that is funny we are so odd, I figured it out, when your drinking the "good way" you don't get as much liquid,you do it our way much more liquid goes down the only downside is that when you are using plastic bottles they tend to collapse in to themselves, I hate that. Oh, topic, bananas, yeah I don't like them.
Eliza at 1:43AM on Sep 10th 2007
24. why did you describe the water bottle propping open the seat back pouch as looking "ghetto?" although ghetto has become part of the vernacular for some,the connotation of the word intentionally denotes stereotypes and cliches. use your thesaurus next time, please.
boredwell at 1:31PM on Sep 18th 2007
25.
I just love your pictures. You look so dejected and vulnerable all because of a banana peel. LOVE YA
marsha beckerman at 3:34AM on Sep 10th 2007
26. i always aim to not repulse or skeeve the poor stewardesses, so i end up jamming my leftover food remnants and napkins into my empty plastic beverage cup, and handing it over that way. apparently you violated some unspoken banana peel disposal etiquette! thanks Mo, for bringing this issue out in the open and saving us from future embarassment!
gosh, you look so sad in those pics. you look like you need a hug or something!
btw, your facial stubble is HOT!
lasereyechick at 6:06AM on Sep 10th 2007
27. I love the bananas that grew on my Mom's tree. They were short little mouthfuls of sweetness that were wonderfully satisfying. They were awesome. When I buy bananas in the grocery store I usually get "breakers". I prefer them just a bit green with NO brown spots. I love them on toast with peanutubtter sprinkled with just a touch of cinnamon and a drizzle of honey.Totally awesome snack and the kids love them too. As for issues witht he peel, it has to be all the way off before I eat the banana and all the little white "strings" have to be off also. Now, as far drinking from a bottle full mouth contact or just a bit of lip...my way is just a bit of lip...too much backwash with the full mouth contact way. Just my thought and fear.(Backwash...ewwwww) But then this comes from someone who DOES NOT let any of the food on her plate touch and seperates her Fruit Loops by color too.Another no no in my food world is gravy.I shudder when I see gravy slathered all over a plate of food. I NEVER eat it. Uggghhhh...nasty congealed gelatinous mess poured over perfectly good meat and taters....ewwww And on that happy note me and my nauseated stomache are heading back to the comfort of my bed and the snuggles of my Widgit. Take care Mo...and remeber to always wrap those naner peels....Lizzie
Lizzie at 7:10AM on Sep 10th 2007
28. At least you didn't get kicked off the plane. That seems to be the happening thing these days.
Serena at 7:42AM on Sep 10th 2007
29. All right, Mo, I am a flight attendant, and we all have germ issues. It's not so much a banana peel thing. We'd prefer not to touch anything you hand us, but they won't let us wear surgical gloves. As for poor Terry, I can understand why she wouldn't take your peel. True, it didn't make contact with your saliva, but it's just the principle. It's yucky. I won't touch orange peels, apple cores and other fruit related trash either. And we get like this, flight attendants I mean, because you wouldn't believe what people hand us. Dripping dirty diapers, hypodermic needles from insulin injections...I think a used condom is the only thing someone HASN'T tried to hand to me when collecting trash. For those of you who want to know how to travel with bananas, try this...I don't know why it works, but it does...wrap the banana in aluminum foil. It won't turn brown for almost two days, and that's stuffed into a flight attendant tote bag.
Julie at 8:22AM on Sep 10th 2007
30. Damn....I just burned my cheese toast!!!
Jake E at 9:42AM on Sep 10th 2007