That's why I was pleasantly surprised by my trip to Chicago this past week to tape NPR's Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me! I love doing this show, especially when I win - and when the flights are on time and only half-full, as they were this week.
The American Airlines flight attendants on flight 386 seemed reborn: easy laughs, sparkling smiles, a spring in their step. Like Watergate-era Braniff babes, but without the menace of hands grabbing at their asses. How happy did they seem? They offered me a lime twist for my sparkling water before I even asked. It was sheer joy ... until the end of my return flight.
I'd brought a banana on board with me, purchased at an O'Hare Starbucks. Bananas are easy. You can stow them in the pocket of the seat in front until you're ready to start peeling. Unless that pocket is jam packed, the banana should be able to sustain the squeeze and won't start oozing, even if the fruit is 75% water. (If you're still worried about creating a safe space for your banana, place a snapple bottle in the pocket to force it open - though that looks a little ghetto.)
When the pilot announced that we would begin our descent, I rushed to grab my banana in my left hand, broke the stem with my teeth, and stripped the peel with my right. (Yes, I peel from the stem down.) It would take me about three bites to wolf down the fruit. Just in time for Terry, the pixie-ish flight attendant assigned to collect trash.
"Garbage ... garbage ... garbage," she cooed. Terry had a great tan and a short sassy haircut. (She looked a lot like a blond Catherine Keener.) She was only three rows away, sauntering towards us, looking from left to right, calling out to passengers on the beat. "Garbage ... garbage ... yes, I'll take the newspapers..."
I'm hardwired to please flight attendants. This dates from a family trip to California when I was 11, and we flew Western Airlines from Washington, D.C. to San Francisco. I was dressed in my tan Pierre Cardin suit my parents had purchased from Woodward and Lothrop in Friendship Heights. (My grandmother worked there and got us a 20% discount.) I was so excited to fly that every time time our "stewardess" asked a question, I'd answer, "Yes, please, thank you, ma'am!"
Finally she burst out, "You are so ... polite for a young man!" Oh, I felt so validated.
Twenty-seven years later I was still that young boy, swallowing my banana as fast as I could, so that I could give Terry my garbage in time for landing - and make her happy. It wasn't as easy as I thought: the edible portion (also known as the "finger') was a teensy bit fibrous (Starbucks bananas are never ripe enough), so I began chewing frantically.
The clock was ticking. Terry was at our row now, facing the other direction, collecting a Jamba Juice cup. She was about to turn to us. That's when it occurred to me: I was in a window seat - next to a nice Chicago couple on their way to the U.S. Open. Terry wasn't going to reach over them with the garbage bag so I could drop my peel in. Instead she and I would be making a hand-to-hand transfer.
In a split-second decision, I took a final bite, right to the base of the banana's spine, then grabbed the "butt" of the banana (the hard exterior knot opposite the stem) and held it from above in my right hand, the peel strips dangling downward. I was conscious that Terry might not want contact with the moist interior of my peel. Offering the peel's smooth exterior seemed like the best, most considerate, handover option.
I reached over, across the man in the middle seat. But Terry didn't make eye contact.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," I said.
Again, Terry didn't make eye contact.
Above: I offer Terry my banana peel. Why won't she respond?
"Ma'am," I said. But Terry had moved past. That's when the man next to me, who'd shrunk back from my peel, handed me a cocktail napkin.
"Here, try this," he said with an uncomfortable smile. I immediately understood the implication: My peel was dirty. He thought I should wrap it in the napkin. Never mind that I'd offered Terry the outside, which had probably been fondled by hundreds of people - from pickers in Costa Rica, to truckers in Laredo, to colorists at the Starbucks banana outlet!
There just wasn't time to argue. We were descending fast and Terry was getting ready to dump her trash and strap herself into a jump seat in the rear of the cabin. I unfurled the napkin and rolled up my sad yellow garbage.
"Ma'am! Please."
Terry suddenly could hear me. (Well how about that?) She turned around, strode back up the aisle, grabbed my shrouded peel, and unceremoniously dropped it in her bag.
"I'm sorry," she said with a shudder. "I have real banana peel issues." She splayed the fingers of her free hand, to emphasize disgust, then disappeared.
Above: "The Shroud of Chiquita." Terry accepts my offering.
My mind reeled: Had I violated banana peel protocol? Had I offered her something unhygienic? Even if I had pinched the butt of the peel from below and offered it to her with the peel strips draping down, the gunky lining exposed, would that have been dirty? I don't think so.
Above: How I could have handed over the peel. I chose not to.
The fact is, a banana peel is not an apple core. No CSI sleuth could find a trace of saliva on any part of the yellow remnant, with the possible exception of the nub left at the base of the spine. Surely Terry wouldn't have had the same reaction to an orange peel.
Sorry, but she acted like I was handing her a used condom!
In fact, I wonder if the shape of the banana - and the transformation that the peel undergoes - is the root of Terry's (and I'm guessing many others') "banana peel issues." Could the banana peel represent a marriage that began promisingly and ended virtually sexless? (Then again, don't most marriages begin like an unripe banana before turning to flaccid peels? Isn't that why married couples have kids?)
Do you have "banana peel issues"? Does the peel freak you out? And is there a banana peel protocol you follow? What are your thoughts on and associations with banana peels? Please share them with us!!!!
***
In other news, my next-door neighbors have set a new record for getting baked. They've been smoking pretty non-stop for the last four days. Yesterday I saw my other neighbor, from the other side, out front of our building.
"Can you believe how much those guys smoke?" I asked this other neighbor. (Super nice Israeli guy who plays the guitar.)
"Yeah, we smell it all the time," he said. "But we thought it was you."
Obviously he doesn't read my blog.
Reader Comments ( Page 3 of 4)
31. Who brought the blue cornchips!!!
Green Lantern for President at 10:09AM on Sep 10th 2007
32. Mo, I don't know if this qualifies as a banana peel issue for the day, but my mother told me a story of when she was in high school at a private Catholic school, and how she had to eat her banana with a knife and fork, from peeling the blasted thing with her knife and fork, ever so delicately.
As far as the flight attendant, she either needs to go to Home Depot, or a similar type of establishment, and procure a box of Nitrile gloves to wear when picking up garbage on the plane; they have them in either baby blue, forest green, or purple, whichever would coordinate with her uniform. That way she could pick up things that are far worse than a banana peel.
stevolkman at 12:59PM on Sep 10th 2007
33. You could have put it in the bag provided for
air sickness.....she wouldn't have wanted to
handle IT either but it might have gotten her attention more easily.
Of all the things she has probably handled in her career .... a banana peel freaks her out? And
she's going to help you our in an emergency...
Hmmmmmmm? Scary thought.
nettie
Nettie at 10:22AM on Sep 10th 2007
34. I hope her manager reads your blog, she was quite out of line. She has no right to ignore a customer of the airline and should be repremanded. This is no better than the chick who was reprimanded for weraing a short skirt on a plane. Who do these airline employee's think they are? I sure wish I worked for an airline so I could be curt and snotty to my customers without fear of losing my job.
For the record I'm not a fan of the banana at all but I still would have grabbed it. That's what sinks and soap are for.
Ashlee at 11:07AM on Sep 10th 2007
35. did you bite that banana..or did you slowly,gingerly,wishfully linda lovelace it??
suoires at 11:26AM on Sep 10th 2007
36. Hello Mo,
Maybe it is because she was just an uptight bitch. They do make wetnaps. You're too cute to not have taken a banana peel from.
:) Gina
Gina at 12:06PM on Sep 10th 2007
37.
Baggies, Mo, baggies!
Drop it in.
Zip it up
Hand it over.
Liz at 12:17PM on Sep 10th 2007
38. I definately think you were in your citrus-fic rights to hand her the peel in such a manner. being a flight attendant, you would think they would be prepared to handle much more offensive garbage than that. What about the single mom trying to do a speedy diaper change on the flight with no restrooms? Or the first time flier with extreme motion sickness? I suppose you could use your 'vomit bag' to conceal the unsightly skin, but really, if I were a flight attendant, I would be buying hand sanitizer by the gallon and not telling my passangers that I have banana issues. oh! And what if she had to give someone mouth to mouth? Would she say she has "stranger's mouth issues"?
Sassyandi at 12:27PM on Sep 10th 2007
39. Banana Peel Issues:
1) The banana inside is slimy
2) The banana strings are snot-like
3) The banana peel strips are like floppy octopus tentacles
4) Bruised bananas are brown and mushy
5) Banana peels can be smoked for a mild high (Ask your neighbors about it!)
Next time, in lieu of a napkin or baggie, I would hold the banana by the peel strips offering the butt of the banana forward for a clean transfer. This would prevent any of the peel strips from flapping around and exposing the slimy inside parts to possible contact.
Or, on longer flights, you could just let the banana peel dry up and turn black. Then when you arrive at your destination, you can grind it up and smoke it. The buzz can be very relaxing after a long flight. And since smoking banana peel is not against the law and is clearly not weed, you can keep your status as a virgin pot-smoker.
Bananarama at 1:24PM on Sep 10th 2007
40. one day i tried to give my counselor a banana for a healthy snack, and she said "NO"...in a nice way~and went on, i don't like the sight, smell or taste....i cannot stand to even see a picture of a banana~!!!!
i quickly hid the yellow 'culprit' in my purse...and pictured it quivering near my cellfone...and wanting to push 9-1-1....
hehe,
m
mimi at 2:33PM on Sep 10th 2007
41. You clearly said, "NOT death by chocolate." I wouldn't have given it to you. Your victory has got to feel a bit limp...
themkickingpoe at 3:43PM on Sep 10th 2007
42. Aw Mo,
I am surprised they let you on that flight with that banana of yours. Oh, forgot, it wasn't SouthWest.
You are just too nice: I would've tossed it under the seat and let her touch it later.
By the way,
Hank Kimball apologizes for any confusion that was caused when he announced he would in the Iowa Caulk Us. Turns out, that was a window sealing company out of Des Moines. The up-side to this embarassing story is that, because of his great work history, he was hired by that firm. Now that Hank has received two small campaign contributions of $5.00 each, he has been able to hire a professional staff and accomodate his volunteers. These mistakes should not occur, in the future these mistakes, should not occur in the future, these...nevermind.
Kimball '08
John Giza at 5:20PM on Sep 10th 2007
43. Hey Mo...as I was reading this I couldn't help but think of a blog entry you wrote about a very vuluptuous flight attendant. I'm guessing the banana phobic flight attendant was not a fuller figured gal. I'm probably being stereotypical, but it just seems that bigger gals are a little less neurotic.
As a bigger myself, I can attest that I have my quirks, true enough. But as a flight attendant, doesn't she pick up trash from passengers several times a day? Shouldn't she know to wear gloves or lean the trash bag over far enough for you to plop your peel into it?
By the way, if you're still looking for a lap to nap upon, I'd love to oblige. :D
Marcia at 6:26PM on Sep 10th 2007
44. The Shroud of Chiquita made me laugh out loud! Brilliant
sweetjulieblueyes at 7:11PM on Sep 10th 2007
45. This s#!t is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! But seriously, people do things for so many reasons that it's hard to pinpoint exactly why they behave/react the way that they do. Perhaps some unconsciously associate bananas with phallic undertones. I'd venture to guess that her reluctance to touch the peel stem more from texture than anything. A banana peel is soft and damp on the inside; if you try to grab it you are likely to make contact with the interior. On the other hand, a orange peel is firm and usually dry on the inside; smell association also plays an important role (oranges, cinnamon, mint, etc. are fresh...bananas are kind of neutral). Who knows, maybe she exhibited the same form of caution as one would take when handling a sharp object; bananas have led to the downfall of many Saturday cartoon heroes.
Jeff at 8:26PM on Sep 12th 2007