Ben wasn't following along with the teachers like the other children. Instead, he spun wildly to the music, or ran in happy circles around the room. Sometimes he would drop into his mother's lap for a hug, but he wouldn't come when she called him. I recognized this pattern of behaviors immediately: Ben was autistic. And what was also apparent was that his mother didn't know yet.
My eight-year-old son, Jonah, the oldest of my five children, is also autistic. Watching Ben was like watching Jonah at music class when he was two, when I still thought he spent most of the class playing with the window blinds because he just wasn't as interested in music as my friend's daughter. I knew nothing about autism then. But after six years with Jonah, even my sister recognized the signs; when Ben started vocalizing in a consonant-free, almost shrieky way, she leaned over and whispered, "Spectrum?," a shorthand way of asking if I thought he was on the autistic spectrum.
"Definitely," I whispered back. Then, "Do you think I should say something?"
Read the rest of the essay here. Did Amy do the right thing? Would you have said something? If you were the other mother, would you have wanted to be told?
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 8)
1. Yes, but probably not in quite that way. The parent needs to understand the possibility so she can get help for the child. A neighbor who had an autistic child suggested that my daughter get my grandson tested and yes, he is autistic. These children need to be identified as soon as possible so they can get therapy, although autism cannot be "cured", it can be dealt with
Anne Case at 6:50AM on Sep 14th 2007
2. In the first place, you don't KNOW that his mother doesn't already know. But what's much more important is that you are not a physician or a psychologist, and they are the only people competent to diagnose autism. Even they can only do so after proper testing. A casual observation won't do. Many disorders resemble each other and differential diagnosis can be a tricky thing. Frankly, I'd keep my mouth shut. If this child is autistic, his teachers or his doctor will notice eventually and will recommend a consultation with a specialist. It is certainy not YOUR job to do this.
OomYaaqub at 7:17AM on Sep 14th 2007
3. I truly know your dilemma. I have a son with Autism and always recognize the signs in other children. I have a family member who has a daughter who I also think has Autism but has thrown up so many excuses of why she's not doing the things she should be doing. I know it is so hard for people to come to terms with what's going on with there child that they go thru this denial stage. I fortunately didn't go thru that I just thought if this is what it is then its what it is and he is just that much more special. People need to go thru what they need to go thru at there own time they will see it for themselves. You cant be blind forever The only thing is that the child will go thru some rough stages with school and teachers who are not capable of knowing what's going on and treating theses children like there bad children and throw them aside. The children wont realize it thank God but when the parents find out it will emotionally kill them. They go threw stages. Stage 1) Disbelief, how can this have happened to my child. 2) Guilt, what did I do wrong somehow this must be my fault. 3) Research, how can we fix them and who did this to them. 4) Mourning, you mourn the child you didn't have and the child that might never have a life of normalcy. 5) Fear, who will take care of this child and love and understand them as much as you do. These are all things that parents of Autistic children must go thru so they can dust themselves off and prepare for the long haul. It makes us stronger and harder and sometimes the best thing is to let them find out for themselves. We got thru it so can they just be there for them and if asked then help but until then just back off. This is someone's child and it is a very sensitive subject for some people.
Arlener2470 at 7:24AM on Sep 14th 2007
4. My son has always been different, he is eleven years old now and just got diagnosed by a proffessional doctor with Aspergers, gosh what I would of giving if someone would of said something to me, all these years of fustration, phone calls from school etc... I knew he had something, I just wanted to know to get him the help he needed. It took a different aid from a different school to finally tell me that he may have Aspergers. Thank YOU! Thank YOU! We are now off to a new begining and it`s been wonderful, so many resources. We are not ALONE!!!
addicted2dietdp at 7:50AM on Sep 14th 2007
5. So Oom and Arlener, you are saying that you agree with this mother and her decision to not say the word autism to this mom or nanny, and I agree. I will go a step further and say that I think her comment about delayed speech was a perfect solution, offering a resource to the mom for something that is not as scary and heartbreaking, and could lead to the proper diagnosis of the child.
It would be horrible to suggest a diagnosis that could be wrong, as I had that happen to me, and I was angry. My young son was brilliant, and I knew it. He went to first grade, and in one week his teacher suggested he was mentally "delayed." She refrained from saying "retarded." He was shy and awkward, and held back from the other students. I fought for him, and insisted he be tested for gifted developement, and over her objections, he was. She thought I was crazy. The result...he WAS brilliant, and still is at 19. During the rest of 1st grade he was used as a teacher's helper for reading and math, sitting next to kids who had trouble and helping them. His teacher and I became good friends, she apologized profusely, and continued to marvel at the mind power of that shy and awkward little boy the rest of the year. And being asked to help other kids helped him get over some of his shyness and lack of social skills. Win win.
Sam at 7:56AM on Sep 14th 2007
6. There are so many people that become "experts" in whatever field of medicine effects their own childrens syndromes or illnesses, because of the amount of information that we now have access to, that we also have them trying to "diagnose" other's, because of a "symptom" or two that is similar to their own or their child's. This is NOT a good thing, although I'm SURE that they have only the best of intention's, and are trying to "help"! Too much "knowledge" does'nt give anyone the right to take it upon themselves to enlighten other people as to "what I think is wrong with your child", because the child acts just like mine. This can be VERY dangerous, simply have a conversation with the parent, and you may find out that they already are coping with the issue. Please, people, that's why people go to medical school, please do not try playing dr. with a person that you don't know! There is a fine line between "just trying to help" and being obnoxious!
sandra ramos at 8:18AM on Sep 14th 2007
7. I'm starting to worry about the numbers of kids being diagnosed as "autistic". It now seems to encompass things such as outright bad behavior (my son beats kids up at school and cuts class? He must be autistic!) Come on. I've heard of people insisting their child be diagnosed as autistic (over the doctor's objections) because their 2 or 3 year old child "won't eat anything but macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets), doesn't like to play with other kids (but loves playing with their siblings) and by 2 didn't have a very good vocabulary. Welcome to normal childhood. I think that in our desire to produce the next Einstein, parents are upset when THEIR 2 year old can't recite the 50 states (as though that makes someone intelligent) and can't parrot the phrases they hear over and over and over on their latest foreign language videotape that mommy has babysitting for them.
No offense to the people who are truly suffering through this. I just think we are a nation gone nuts. I swear some people WANT their kids diagnosed this way b/c it makes them feel important. How sad.
robthomaseyes at 8:26AM on Sep 14th 2007
8. You can not ignore the importance of early intervention for children especially on the autism spectrum. I am a special education teacher, working with adolescents with autism and have a friend with an autistic child, as well. My friends child was diagnosed before the age of two despite the pediatrician dismissing his mother's concerns for many months. (I knew for sure when he was 18 months old and didn't say anything which I sorely regret.) When his younger sister seemed delayed in her ability to communicate, I focused on the speech portion--which is concrete and she was evaluated at a much younger age. Fortunately, her delays have were diminished by clear directions for her parents in working with her on language.
The children I work with did not have intervention when they were younger. As a result, they function at the level of a 6 month old child although they are teenagers. It is very sad. Development has very clear windows that once they pass it is hard if not impossible to effect change. Many states have enriched programs for children on the spectrum prior to the age of three. Also, the earlier services start the more likely it is that the school will continue the services. Also, an evaluation never hurts--let a professional assess the child.
I would have said something--and been able to sleep at night knowing that child can have the best life possible.
SPT71765 at 8:27AM on Sep 14th 2007
9. Hello,
As far as the comment about keeping your mouth shut, that is a complicated issue. This is not fantasy land, and I am a medical assistant and not a doctor yet, but I have brought diagnosis to physicians before and I have been right. You don't always have to be a doctor to notice something is wrong with yourself or someone else. So I definetly can understand how this mother felt when she noticed that child's behaviour, she just wanted to help, and she was not being vindictive.
K. Hawkins at 9:32AM on Sep 14th 2007
10. I think everyone that has written here has displayed truly ethical behavior. I have no doubt that any mother with an autistic child CAN accurately diagnose it in another. But as the Jurassic Park line goes, just because you can, doesn't mean you should, and all seem to agree on that here. The problem is with diagnosers with little or no knowledge that don't have the same sensitivity because they have not lived it. I was told by a "helpful stranger" in the grocery store that my 4 year old son was autistic. She spoke to him, he looked away, and refused to answer. The reason? Cleft lip and palate at birth, with resulting speech impediment, for which he was working so hard for 2 years to overcome. By 4 years old he had suffered enough thoughtless and embarrassing comments by adults, that he refused to speak to strangers. She said, right in front of him, "Oh, he must be autistic, he doesn't connect or respond." Fast forward to junior high and phase 2 of extensive othadontia for his adult teeth. One teacher was lowering his grade because of "lack of interest in the class, non participation, non contributory to class discussions" in spite of having an A average in all written work. He had a freaking metal bar cemented across the roof of his mouth for a full year, and I had written a letter to his guidance counselor asking her to make all teachers aware of this, yet he had no clue, and never asked my son directly why he did not participate. The horror stories are endless for those of us with different children, and the interference of ignorant strangers. When I see another mother and child with the same cleft situation, we smile and nod, acknowledging the "bond" and nothing needs to be said.
Becky at 10:41AM on Sep 14th 2007
11. Mind your own business.
ciril at 11:21AM on Sep 14th 2007
12. I too have a son that is autistic. My ex-wife was the first to notice changes in his behavior. He was diagnosed highly functional, austic at about two years. When he stopped talking in his two's we were very worried. His sister was born about 18 months after he was. I think that her coming along when she did helped with his speech and socialization skills greatly. We have had him in many programs. Not many have helped very much. He is in the sixth grade this year and he is falling behind the other children at a much faster rate this year, with a new school and different format. This could be because he no longer has a one on one aid, also. Be sure that you ask is a child is austistic too, if you see one acting out and you think they are. The sooner you begin getting a child help, the better off they will be. Many teachers do not know how to deal with an autistic child and most don't want to because it takes more time and effort. When you try to tell many of them what he needs, they look at you like you are crazy if you expect them to put forth that kind of effort for him. A few years ago he even had one teacher that moved him, his aid and their desk out in the hall because she didn't want to deal with him. That lasted until my ex heard about it. You will have to fight every step of the way for an austistic child because if you don't, the school system will just let him fall through the cracks. The sooner a person gets started looking for programs to help an austistic child, the better off the child will be.
Tom at 10:58AM on Sep 14th 2007
13. I think I agree with Becky that the real problem is not the strangers with true knowledge and experience. You can see that they struggle with the desire to help, and yet balance that with caution, and reflection on what is truly the right thing to do. Arlener seems to be one of those good people, as is the woman in the article. Ignorant "helpers" show no such restraint or concern of the impact of their actions.
jasmine at 11:39AM on Sep 14th 2007
14. TOm- I am facing all those obstacles with my son in third grade ever since 1 st grade -Every Thing is such work-Just trying to explain to a teacher-just trying to get them to listen is tough.
They tell you they have a plan/ then all of a sudden my childs aides doing all his writing cuz the teacher doesnt like to wait for my son to finish his work.I have been utterly shocked at the lack of help from our school. Any better programs I am searchimg for!
Sharing is touchy but it may help someones child.
Kathy at 11:51AM on Sep 14th 2007
15. Very interesting essay & comments. Good to hear people being more aware of autism.
A few things to add: 1) First, my daughter is a psychology graduate and certified rehabilitation counselor who has worked with people who have autism and the number one faux pas is to identify any person as their disability. A person "has" autism, they are not "autistic." It may be semantics to some people, but it makes a big difference as to how these people are viewed. Once a person is labeled "autistic," some people think they can not overcome any part of their disability -- parents, teachers, etc. may use the "autistic" reason as an excuse. Many people with autism have been known to do things that all the books and learned professionals say they shouldn't be able to do. It's a disease and can be treated with varying results. But these are people first. We do not like to label people as: the bald guy, the fat woman, the black man, etc. A disability is such a small part of what makes up a person.
2) Autism should not be diagnosed by a single observation. Several of the symptoms that lead one to believe it is autism can also be attributed to other disorders. I have read about children who were diagnosed by doctors as having autism, but actually had extreme hearing disorders which could be corrected surgically. My own brother didn't speak until he was three. The doctor told my mom not to worry. He was right. Doug started speaking at 3 and never shut up. He also started reading at 3-1/2. He skipped 2 grades in school and is gifted.
3) In regards to the posted essay, perhaps the best solution may have been to bring it to the teachers' attention so they can observe more closely and advise the parents (who they see regularly and know better). Who knows if the nanny passed on any info to the parents anyway? Most people may want to help in some way, but it is a delicate matter to try to "diagnose" any disability, disease, etc. in a stranger or their child upon a single meeting or two, especially when you don't have the training and creditentials to do so.
mo at 11:58AM on Sep 14th 2007