First let me say that the woman who cleans my apartment is a great person. A warm and lovely woman from Poland. To protect her identity we'll call her Krakovia.
Krakovia is kind, with an easy, if sad, smile. (The Polish are a proud and beautiful people - but wedged as they are between Germany and the former Soviet Union, they've suffered dearly. They wear their history on their faces.) Krakovia is empathetic. When she asks how I'm doing, she really wants to know.
She's been with me for two years. I don't know much about her. She's made a few trips to Florida during our time together and tans quite easily. (I'd always assumed that Lech Walesa and the other shipyard workers in the Solidarity movement were pale for genetic reasons. But based on Krakovia's savage tan, I've revised my opinion: It must simply be that Gdansk is overcast.)
Currently she comes in the morning, once every two weeks on Thursday. If I'm not rushing out of the apartment to catch a plane for Chicago for Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!, I'm usually still in my pajamas eating oatmeal and trying to figure out a blog topic. On Krakovia mornings, I always make sure to wear briefs underneath my pajama pants, so that my schlong doesn't accidentally peak out my jammies. And I brush my teeth so that I don't offend Krakovia. (A couple years ago, I walked out of the bathroom with just a towel, and Krakovia blushed and averted her gaze. I was embarrassed by my own lack of decorum. My mother would have been furious with me.)
Everything seemed to be going well until a couple months ago when I started noticing ... things.
Krakovia isn't –maybe never has – mopped the bathroom floor with a cleaning solution. As readers of this blog know, I don't make a mess. But I also walk with shoes on the bathroom floor. So the floor needs to be cleaned properly. I don't need to install a Krakovia-cam to tell you that she's wetting some paper towels, putting them on the floor and shuffling her feet around. That doesn't cut it.
Still in the bathroom: This last Thursday she didn't launder my bath towel and bathmat, which I hang over my shower rod. Yes they look neat hanging there. But that doesn't mean they're clean. This time they weren't.
Otherwise Krakovia does the laundry and folds well – except when it comes to socks. I clearly prefer my socks to be folded only at the tops, so that the feet dangle separately. (What I call the conjoined twin style.) Krakovia can see this by looking at the clean pairs in my socks compartment. Yet she insists on balling the socks, one engulfed inside the other. Of course the outer sock end ups getting stretched out. I now wait until Krakovia leaves to un-ball each pair and conjoin them.
My happily conjoined socks. (In the background is my bust
of Grover Cleveland.)
My balled socks.
Then there's the living room, where I write. Krakovia mops the floor, yes, though I'm not sure she uses a cleaning solution here either. Plus she doesn't mop under the sofa or move the piles of books I leave on the floor. (I know that's lame of me.) Overall there's a lot of dust in the living room.
"Someone" forgot to wash the gray (make that dust!) out
of Grover's hair.
The kitchen is a cinch: I've never used my oven. Not once. So she just needs to clean the floor and wash some dishes. But she's slacked off even here. My hardworking Hamilton blender still smells like banana after she "cleans" it. (I blend a lot of bananas and protein powder.) And the carriage of the blender is never windexed. After this last visit, it still had banana shmutz on it. Yuck.
Finally there's my terrace. A couple weeks ago, some lowlifes were smoking on my building's rooftop and flicked their butts on to the street - or so they thought. They ended up littering my terrace. It's gross. One even got into one of my plants.
Not that Krakovia would know. This past Thursday she didn't set foot on my terrace!
So why don't I just sit down with Krakovia on my dusty couch and tell her what's on my mind? Fair question.
I don't like confrontations. (Yes, it's something I'm working on with Dr. Saguaro.) I like that Krakovia feels comfortable with me. I've never shown disapproval and now that we've been together for two years, I find it harder than ever to suddenly be the boss.
Believe me, I've rehearsed the speech I know I should deliver to her – delineating her shortcomings and my demands – but I end up feeling petty. (Why am I not doing my own damn cleaning?) I also start to worry about recriminations from Krakovia:
"You want I mop bathroom floor with soap and pick up cigarette butts?" she snarls.
"Um, well, yes," I say, my voice halting.
"You must choose," she snaps back.
"Oh, for chrissakes, Kravokia!" I lash out. "I'm not Sophie and I'm not making any choice here. You do both!"
"Then you have to pay!"
(It's an ugly exchange and one that makes me less than proud. It also violates Dr. Saguaro's mandate that I be "appropriately assertive.")
Full disclosure: I pay Krakovia $100 for about two and a half hours of work. I don't think I'm being cheap. I've never used my oven. Dammit, what I'm asking for is not that hard! I'm getting mad just writing this.
Of course I'm more frustrated with myself for not knowing how to fix my relationship with Krakovia. After Krakovia left ("See you Thursday after next, Mr. Mo!") I resigned myself to breaking up with Krakovia by leaving her a message canceling her next visit, then never calling back to reschedule. Unhealthy, I know, and nonsensical considering I was so concerned about her feelings.
But then I had lunch with my agent Dan. (He took me to a diner, when I was kind of expecting an actual restaurant. Whatever.) He could tell I was frazzled, and I told him what was going on with Krakovia. He thinks the relationship can be saved. His very rational advice:
I need to separate the two issues. The folding of socks is a simple personal preference. Krakovia isn't doing anything wrong here. Millions of decent law-abiding people like their socks balled up. Telling her that I happen to prefer my socks Siamese-style isn't going to upset her. I could say it very casually, as I'm passing into the kitchen to leave my oatmeal bowl in the sink: "Oh, Krakovia. The laundry looks great. But would you mind conjoining my socks instead of balling them? Thanks!" Simple enough.
But then there are the grievances that have to do with fundamental cleaning lady responsibilities – i.e., those charges that when leveled amount to charges of cleaning lady negligence. These are bound to put Krakovia on the defensive and in turn give me anxiety. She's at least as high-strung as I am and would likely worry that she'd been failing me for a while. She might even get angry at me for not being open with her these last few months.
Dan's advice is to be dispassionate as possible and stay positive: "Say to her, 'Krakovia, I appreciate all you do. But here's how I like my apartment cleaned." Then mention a cleaning solution for the bathroom floor, dusting in the living room, and cigarette removal from my azalea.
A cigarette butt in my azalea. (There's a hit country music
song in that sentence.)
Most importantly, he advised me to stay focused on the objective here: a cleaner apartment. Krakovia is here to perform a service. Fixating on the imagined negotiation and hurt feelings is a mistake. If I stay focused on getting a cleaner apartment, the relationship will right itself.
So maybe ... Krakovia and I won't break up.
What do you think? Am I the only person who's had these kinds of issues with service people?
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 7)
16. You've never used your oven?
Jeffrey Smith at 12:36PM on Sep 26th 2007
17. Mo Mo Mo...I feel your pain. I HATE confrontation I get so stressed out and I'm one of those people that just harps on an issue until I'm mentally ready to let go. That being said, Dan probably had the best advice but if it was me I would just fire her and get a new person because regardless of how she handles being reprimanded I would feel completely uncomfortable. Every time she would walk into my house I would most definitely feel uncomfortable. Unless you establish the whole "I'm your boss" thing to begin with, it's VERY hard to go back to that.
I obviously have some issues with these types of situations so I understand where you're coming from and that's what I would do..
Alexis at 12:30PM on Sep 26th 2007
18. Buy what you want her to use. If the cleaner says for floors ummm it for floors she should get that. Buy some swiffers for dusting hint hint. you can do it i have faith in you!
luvumo at 12:36PM on Sep 26th 2007
19. Mo...I SO feel your pain! I had a cleaning lady every two weeks who never vaccummed my suede ottoman, never dusted/cleaned my pendant lamps or ceiling fans, indeed she never cleaned ANYTHING over the height of her head (and she was pretty short!) She was a sweet, older lady and I HATED to do it, but I gently mentioned these concerns a few times and she'd do the tasks on that visit, only to revert to form on subsequent visits. I finally "fired" her...by telling her I couldn't afford her anymore. So, I hired a cleaning COMPANY (more expensive, but so worth it!) If they fail to meet my expectations, I just call the office and let some faceless voice know about it. Whew, what a relief!
Lisa at 12:43PM on Sep 26th 2007
20. Aw Mo,
I've never been a big fan of the direct, assertive approach. Maybe you could get a copy of Hazel, The Second Season, and play it each time she visits.
Balling or conjoining socks are equally bad. They stretch out the band. Match and fold at the crease, just like they came out of the package.
As for the cigarette butts, I couldn't help but notice your azalea looks young. That is when these habits start. Especially when the person responsible for them is running around all the time to restaurants and diners. Before you blame butts from the sky, I'd sit down and have a long talk with your azalea. I bet s/he doesn't even have a name. Shame shame.
Oh, I see you have a bust of Grover Cleveland. Which one is it? There were two you know. I've always been partial to the one who came after Harrison.
Kimball '08
John Giza at 1:03PM on Sep 26th 2007
21. My dear Mo, I have had cleaning ladies now for about 40 years, and guess what, they are all alike. I have yet to find one that has done a good job, or even a so-so job. I always get less than minimum cleaning, dusting must be a joke for them, even after i beg them to dust because of my bad allergies, they don't care, they'll show you a thing or two. It's either take ti or leave it. I have relaxed my standard to avoid getting into a rage. I just finished fiering one that took the cake, I paid her $450.00 a month and got 10 hours of sloppy work out of her if I was lucky. I never let them do any washing because they ruin my clothes, no ironing, no windows, nothing to exert them. Right now I am seething and trying to figure out what to do next.
Julie at 12:55PM on Sep 26th 2007
22. The way I see it - its about self respect and your committment to yourself and your feelings too. On the surface, your cleaning lady may seem incompetent by most cleaning lady standards. Incidentally, mine just left me to be a translator in the Middle East. Although I am thrilled for her, I will miss her. We really got along and she is a kind of family friend.
A cleaning lady relationship is intimate, akin to a kind of marriage dude. Even great marriages need tweaks on occassion. In the past, when mine slacked off, or was less then stellar, I also could not confront her directly at first, without breaking out in an internal kind of sweat. I mean
for Pete's (RIP) sake she was doing me a favor is how I saw it. Also, she is a friend who needed a little side cash, being a single mom who worked the graveyard shift for crap wages at a Target.
Anyway, the way I see it - when I want things done a little differently - I have two choices - either tell someone - or show em. In the past, I vacilate between the two. Which one I choose is really contingent on level of importance, energy and my availability to teach or tell someone what I want or need.
Since you sir hang around in jammies and boxers when she is cleaning maybe you got a little time to just show her how you like things done. If you cannot tell her - just show her from time
to time. You wonder how? Its easy and will get easier as you experience teaching by demonstrating or doing.
For example, regarding the floor cleaning fiasco - you can just buy some great cleaning solution (perhaps more green to show her you care about her health and the environment) and tell her - look - I
just bought this for us to use here (highlighting how good it is for all involved...hint hint). Then just take the new solution and pour it into a new cool colored bucket with hot water and start using it in front of her, kind of like a test moment. To
pretend you are testing the scent and effectiveness of this new soapy concoction. Although, I like using hot vinegar and water on occasion too, it is low chem and it smells clean after. Anyway, back to your demo teaching moment, you can even smile and mop around for a while and then suddenly and dramatically hand her the mop and say -
"whatcha think?" Further motivating her with a "go ahead and try it". If she takes the mop and follows suit you just won more then half the battle with her and you upped your respect in both your eyes.
Then walk onto the terrace wearing old but clean white socks, (preferably formerly balled socks which are falling down around your ankles now). Get out there and dance on the terrace excited about the new solution you got her and mop and bucket too. Then stop and act like you never saw the dirt on your terrace before. Call her over pointing to the cig butt and your socks falling down and dirty underneath from the dirt covered terrace. Walk around a bit shouting happily about the soap and how sh ecan use it out here too and then start to walk inside again, then stop looking down at your newly mopped floor and step lightly and carefully and apologize as you realize your falling socks are also dirty. Take off the socks and wipe old Grover down dipping the sock into the new solution. Apologize for the socks being
used to wipe Grover and just say - we can use these as a rag because
they are ruined from being bunched up in a ball too many times, while grabbing new socks from your drawer and showing her - hey this won't fall down if we fold em this way from now on. We can communicate a lot without words in circumstances of teaching another what we desire, want or even need. In any relationship teaching by doing or showing is an easy and
non-confrontational way to share truth and desires too. Later on as you get used to telling another what you want - you may even start to verbalize directly without fear or nervousness over putting out there what you want too. This experience came to you it seems to help both of you learn something too. Hence the feelings of wanting to run or avoid too. Your lesson is to help another keep her job while adjusting to you learning to ask for what you need without fear. You both deserve a chance to right a wrong or two too, especially after two years.
You can always just tell her because it is her job to assist you as you wish or to just leave if she does not want the job you were willing to hire her for. In the end she will appreciate that you cared enough to show her by doing or telling her like it is. And you will appreciate your ability to get what you want and to also teach.
So maybe you want to give her a few more chances and think about just joining in to show her what you want once in a while or just tell her one way or another. You do pay her well enough to have a right to tell her you want things a little different now too. It might be worth not having to fret over new psych appointments over this because you needlessly ignored an unravling two year kind of relationship.
Finally, who knows, after you both learn to communicate better and to take initiative, perhaps the CIA will hire her at a 1 year salary equal to 9 years of my cleaning lady's annual Target Inc. salary (2oK) as a translator. Alternatively, you can always send her my way because I am in need of a new cleaning lady.
Alexa at 12:52PM on Sep 26th 2007
23. Mo,
I would talk to her first, have you asked her if everything is ok in her life? Maybe there is something going on and she is being easily distracted?(especially if she was doing a good job from the begining.) Also you have to take some blame for this.All this could have been avoided by telling her from the begining. Your paying for it so why waste your money? After all it is business. Your friend Dan is right though. Complement her on what she has been doing, but tell her the areas that she could improve on. (we all need that!) One thing people doesn't like is thinking they are doing a good job and then get fired after they found out they weren't and had no chance to resolve the issue.
Thanks!
Gabe
livinxsacrifice at 1:02PM on Sep 26th 2007
24. Aw Mo,
Here's a suggested name for your beloved plant:
Hazalea.
Two birds, one stone.
Kimball '08
John Giza at 1:04PM on Sep 26th 2007
25. Just approach her like it's no big deal and she won't make anything out of it either. I was gonna suggest the same thing that your friend suggested which was to provide a cleaning product that you want her to use when mopping your floors. Just remember to approach her casually.
A-Yo Leroy! at 1:34PM on Sep 26th 2007
26. Mo, I've had lots of experience working with service people, and TRUST ME, the best way to get what you want is to look them directly in the eye, and speak very loudly and very clearly.
Sandy the Dandy at 1:07PM on Sep 26th 2007
27.
YO MO>
I do not really agree with the others. I look at my cleaning lady like a boyfriend. If I have to tell some one to buy a birthday card or call when they are late..Fogetabout. These are ingrained behaviors. you can not change a person, this I know. My cleaning lady comes every few months. I never said a word to her about what to do. She is supposed to be the cleaning expert. She is unbelievable. She cleans things I never thought of cleaning ie. computer keyboard keys , my radio, light bulbs and every knick knack.
When rosa leaves I can eat off the floor. If I had to tell her what to do It would take the joy out of getting my apt cleaner than I could do my self . In addition who needs to pay for extra stress in your life. If you mention a few mishaps to your cleaning lady and you don"t see results ,you are not getting what you pay for. To me it is like going to a restaurant and getting burnt food. Send it back.
I also have a problem with confrontation, But I can't afford to pay for something and not get it. Personally I think Krakovia is failing in more than a couple areas. How did this happen after 2 years? Is this an ongoing problem that you ignored? or is this a new problem?
I wish only the best for you and Krakoria . Breaking up is hard to do. I am sure you can deal with this fork in the road. Remember it's all about a clean house. I feel bad for Krakovia I hope she gets her S-- together for your sake., and hers. I can alway send Rosa to you . I'm sure she won't mind commuting from San Diego to New York .
LOVE YA I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
marsha beckerman at 1:15PM on Sep 26th 2007
28. I agree that Dan has the best advice.
I also suggest turning it around to be all about you. Don't tell her she's doing something wrong; tell her you prefer things a certain way. Hand her the cleaning solution for the bathroom floor, "This is what I like to use on bathroom floors, Krakovia."
People leave notes for their cleaning staff all the time. I'm sure she won't be offended by it. Leave a little earlier for the airport next Thursday if you don't want to be there. Or else, write the note and sit with her while she reads it. "Sorry for the note, but I wanted to make sure I remembered all my points."
If she doesn't know what's bothering you, she won't have the opportunity to remedy the situation.
mo-NEEK-a at 1:17PM on Sep 26th 2007
29. Mo, I suggest you relocate immediately.
Ron at 1:38PM on Sep 26th 2007
30. I'm just glad to know I'm not the only person that owns a bust of Grover Cleveland.
Dayna at 2:47PM on Sep 26th 2007