According to an article in the New York Times yesterday that quotes a Michigan State University study, sleeping with your friends is complicated. Yeah, thanks. Here's the original abstract:Friends with benefits (FWB) refers to "friends" who have sex. . . . Results indicated that 60% of the individuals surveyed have had this type of relationship, that a common concern was that sex might complicate friendships by bringing forth unreciprocated desires for romantic commitment . . . Although common, FWB relationships are often problematic for the same reasons that they are attractive.
Translation: More than half of us have slept with our friends to avoid dealing with real relationships. And yet, they often lead to real relationships that are extra messy.
Unfortunately, the study has a fatal flaw: it doesn't explain how to travel back in time and explain this to our twenty-two-year-old selves.
(Photo: Getty Images.)
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 3)
1. I know I'm guilty of it. Michelle was a roommate that turned into a friend that turned into a sexual partner that turned into a mess. She wanted something serious and more. I wanted sex, fun, and didn't see the big deal. Eventually we split up hating each other. Last year I bumped into her again and it was like 'Wow. Hello person-I-liked-and-remember-how-you-orgasmed-and-I-kinda-don't-like-but-do. How are you?' Most of the bad feelings were buried, but it was still awkward.
Currently I have a similar problem. The woman I live with now, Alice, wants to get married. I mean she really, truly, deeply wants to get married. Just like all her kids. I don't want to go to canada and come back with some piece of paper. I want to get married too, but I want it to mean something, so I'm waiting and hopeing it will be legal in 2009. So this causes all kinds of tension.
I really think that once sex gets involved, what we want becomes far less real. You might think you'll still be friends, but the truth is that you'll be trapped in a gray region between friends and lovers. Friends don't have sex. Lovers do.
And don't even mention polyamory... talk about hell... ugh...
Somber at 5:05PM on Oct 3rd 2007
2. Thanks for the update, totally useful info.
Seriously though, this study just reiterates what any individual with an ounce of common sense already knows.
Tony Messinger at 5:34PM on Oct 3rd 2007
3. Obviously this issue deserves a large government grant to be awarded to the same researchers who brought us such amazing revelations as "Men prefer to date good looking women."
OomYaaqub at 8:38PM on Oct 3rd 2007
4. Well. of course. If God Almighty wanted us to have sex with our friends, He wouldn't have invented marriage. Have sex only with strangers and occasionally your enemies; it's much more logical...
! at 8:55PM on Oct 3rd 2007
5. Ada, will you be my FWBF?
FINN at 9:13PM on Oct 3rd 2007
6. 47y/o male, lives in gilroy, Ca. Looking for a FWBF
Caucasian,clean, disease free and attractrive looking. Any ladies interested plz write me direct. kneebraceguy@aol. I just sell them, I dont wear them. LoL
Russell at 10:00PM on Oct 3rd 2007
7. Duh
Mary at 10:11PM on Oct 3rd 2007
8. So lovers are not our friends...? Hmm... "Friends with benefits" I don't get it, I can never imagine friends without benefits. Anyway, something invented by a bunch of selfish and scared people...
mnbaby69 at 10:20PM on Oct 3rd 2007
9. Hmmmmm...My FWB became my husband. Sometimes these situations can turn out ok.
april at 5:13AM on Oct 4th 2007
10. The FWB thing only works with guys anyway. "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?". HELLO>>>>> Establishing a FWB relaionship is asking for trouble...JUST SAY NO!!!
tammy at 8:31AM on Oct 4th 2007
11. SEXWITH FRIENDS?? its even worse in the gay community, of course every thing is worse in the gay community, that is unless your a big fat gossip who doesnt really care if its true or not, just that its juicy enough to repeat LOL
kammel420 at 8:20AM on Oct 4th 2007
12. It is better to sleep with a friend than someone you work with. But most of the time the sex was better with them because we know each other so well.
David McCool at 9:45AM on Oct 4th 2007
13. I told a friend once that sleeping together would defeat the purpose of our relationship. He agreed with me. So, there was a little sexual tension. Big deal. We stayed friends and I appreciated the relationship. Everyone else I knew that had sex with their friends, were no longer friends afterward. Sad.
loc at 10:02AM on Oct 4th 2007
14. after being married 25 years & divorcing now - FWB becomes an intresting , yet tempting.
My marriage had been in trouble for many years.. I had run into an old High School girlfriend that became a guardian Angel in my life.. Over the last 5 year or so,, our friendship grew without sex.. Although it was very tempting.. This lady drew the line early,, Now divorcing,, It could be true of my romantic feeling for her..And visaversa - I dont want to loose my friendship with her..I do think we would be incredible if not explosive lovers.. YIKES !!
Johnny at 2:10PM on Oct 6th 2007
15. Overall, from a macro-relationship point of view I would have to say nay on friends with benefits. You have to evaluate whether you could deal with not having that friend if the sexual part of the relationship goes sour. Living in Las Vegas, you find a plethora of single men and women who are wrapped into the party culture and do not want to be bothered with a full-time relationship, but are more than willing to engage in sexual relations with their friends of the opposite sex. Presently I have three such relationships that I am trying to graciously exit as I am trying to enter into a monogamous relationship with a woman who I think is perfect for me. When you have sex with a friend, you are fulfilling a physical and mental need for acceptance, but you inevitably have a lack of balance in the friendship. Does anyone agree that if you settle for a "friends with benefits" relationship with someone, that one of the participants is settling for a "consolation prize" as they can't have the relationship they want with the other, so they settle for the physical part? Take it from me, think about it before you do it.
Charlie at 10:53AM on Oct 4th 2007