According to an article in the New York Times yesterday that quotes a Michigan State University study, sleeping with your friends is complicated. Yeah, thanks. Here's the original abstract:Friends with benefits (FWB) refers to "friends" who have sex. . . . Results indicated that 60% of the individuals surveyed have had this type of relationship, that a common concern was that sex might complicate friendships by bringing forth unreciprocated desires for romantic commitment . . . Although common, FWB relationships are often problematic for the same reasons that they are attractive.
Translation: More than half of us have slept with our friends to avoid dealing with real relationships. And yet, they often lead to real relationships that are extra messy.
Unfortunately, the study has a fatal flaw: it doesn't explain how to travel back in time and explain this to our twenty-two-year-old selves.
(Photo: Getty Images.)
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 3)
16. I can't believe somebody had to do a study to come up with this! Maybe I should do a scientific study to conclude that people who have kids have to listen to kids yelling all the time. But it's worth it because you love them so much. If either of my sons ever tried to enter into this kind of relationship, I'd give them a good slap on the butt, no matter how old they were. Honestly. I hope to teach my boys better than this.
Kathy Canuel at 11:02AM on Oct 4th 2007
17. I've had friends with semi-benefits (making out) and it turned out just fine. 2 of them I stayed friends with, and the other I ended up having an almost 2-year relationship with. We've broken up now, but we're still best friends and get along better than we did when we were together. I've never had "benefits" screw up a friendship. Maybe it's because we didn't go all the way? I think it's manageable, though, and I don't see why benefits have to screw things up. You just have to pick the right friends.
Steve at 11:30AM on Oct 4th 2007
18. [[It is better to sleep with a friend than someone you work with]]
I disagree. Millions of people end up marrying someone they met at work. It's certainly a better place to meet someone than a bar! With today's jobs being more or less temporary anyway, you wouldn't want to exclude your co-workers automatically from serious romantic possibility. You just know that one of you will have to leave the department if not the company if things get serious.
Unless you are a senior executive or a Supreme Court justice, jobs are easy come, easy go today, but real friendship is SACRED. I wouldn't want to risk something as important as friendship for an evening of fun! And I agree with those who say this only works for guys anyway. Most women can't help but fall for anybody we sleep with.
OomYaaqub at 11:49AM on Oct 4th 2007
19. Even if two "friends" consent to this type of sexual relationship, clearing knowing that it's about sex and nothing more...it does not make is OK from a moral standpoint. It is about using each other and for a very momentary thing. Participating in this behavior does not make people happy. Pleasure is not happiness!!!!I am married with two boys and I am teaching them to respect themselves and to respect the women they will date in the future. Sex is an expression of deep love and commitment that is pleasureable and and wonderful in a monogomous relationship...but when sex is just the physical act with no emotion it may by "fun" for the act but it's ultimately degrading and hurtful to the persons using each other. It makes you miserable in your soul! We need to be worried about more than just STDs and unwanted pregnancies with these types of compromised morals--which are big worries in and of themselves--but we need to also look at the emotional ramifications too. I want my boys to be able to have successful committed marriages and raise emotionally healthy kids and have a happy family. As their Mom, it's part of my job to help them see the blessing of wanting this for themselves. I want them to be great husbands and fathers...if they live their teenage and young adult lives using their female friends for casual sex, then they damage their own ability to be happy in the future.
Caroline at 1:30PM on Oct 4th 2007
20. This is to go along with the reference Tammy made...Please don't think I don't like men by the "pig" reference but is no worse than the "cow" one.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Maybe FWB work best for this group??
Amber at 12:44PM on Oct 4th 2007
21. Now, this doesn't sound right. I have slept with MANY of my friends, but have made it clear to them at the beginning that this was not going to lead to a permanent relationship!
The bigger problem here is that these people are trying to be monogamous. That doesn't work and never really did work.
Secondly, if you have sex with a person and then the relationship ends..... that person was most likely never your true friend in the first place. I have had sex with my friends MANY times in the past 24 years, and have had no problems with unless they were clingy to begin with.
Christopher Kidwell at 12:59PM on Oct 4th 2007
22. To Amber...you retort to the cow remark is priceless...I loved it. A liitle sausage...boy that does pretty much say it all... After 22 years of marriage to a serial cheater, I never want to be owned and operated again...Thank you for today's smile
elizabeth at 1:17PM on Oct 4th 2007
23. Comments from the future:) Notice above buttons on the wall by a glowing door..RELATIONSHIP SELECTION SPECIALISTS.. (Subsidiary of 4U2C) Select (1) for breathless, wild and crazy sex, select (2) for a person who is intellectually stimulating,select (3) for someone gorgeous that can be taken out in public. select (4) for someone who is kind,compassionate,and will fix soup if needed when the selector gets sick, select(5)for someone family will approve of, select (6) for good breeder stock , possible co- maker of children,select(7) for someone with similar values and goals, activities and sports interests, select (7) for good sense of humor and positive outlook , select(8)for someone with high earnings potential for purpose of lavishing gifts on selctor,select (9) for someone who is a great at cooking ,cleaning, organizing, home and vehicle maintenance,(10) for a lover now and in the future when selector is not packaged as well,select (11) for someone that wants to be a friend. ********Note.....selections (10) and (11) are still being debated as to the worthiness of combining these into 1 selection.... The selections above can only be made if applicant(selector)will provide the following ***5 work related refrences,5 non family character refrences,an earnings statement for the last 3 years, a credit bureau score showing AAA+ credit history ,a $25,000 Processing fee and a D N A sample. This process has been created to simplify the current inability of thinking on your own, thus eliminating the potential for error in relationship selections ....:)
Judy at 5:17PM on Oct 4th 2007
24. Hi, OomYaaqub #17,
I was speaking from my own experience when I said it is better to sleep with a friend than someone I work with. I am in a career and not in a normal job so there is more at risk if I choose to have an affair with them, and in broadcasting everyone knows everyone. Plus going to work sometimes becomes a good distraction in case I am arguing with my girlfriend, the last person I want to see at times is her. It sounds cold but I love my GF but there are times that we need time away.
I see your point about not risking a friendship over one night either if it is a good one. Now that I think about it, I never slept with any of my really good women friends but slept with the ones that were more like acquantences.
David McCool at 1:58PM on Oct 4th 2007
25. [[ Now days, 80% of women are against marriage,]]
Just where did you get that statistic? The majority of the population that is 30 or older has been married.
OomYaaqub at 2:30PM on Oct 4th 2007
26. [[Now that I think about it, I never slept with any of my really good women friends but slept with the ones that were more like acquantences.
]]
I agree that's different, but there could be an ethical issue if those "acquaintences" felt differently than you did. Anyway, I'm glad your not risking your REAL friendships with women. Those are precious and rare, and we learn so much from such things.
OomYaaqub at 2:32PM on Oct 4th 2007
27. [[As their Mom, it's part of my job to help them see the blessing of wanting this for themselves. I want them to be great husbands and fathers...if they live their teenage and young adult lives using their female friends for casual sex, then they damage their own ability to be happy in the future. ]]
Great post, Caroline!
OomYaaqub at 6:59PM on Oct 4th 2007
28. [[And visaversa - I dont want to loose my friendship with her..I do think we would be incredible if not explosive lovers.. YIKES !!
]]
I promise you, you have nothing to lose by taking it slow. Women find it an incredible turn on when a man has so much respect for them, he hesitates to sleep with them prematurely.
OomYaaqub at 2:35PM on Oct 4th 2007
29. [[Secondly, if you have sex with a person and then the relationship ends..... that person was most likely never your true friend in the first place. I have had sex with my friends MANY times in the past 24 years, and have had no problems with unless they were clingy to begin with.
]]
Christoper, all normal women are what you call "clingy." Only whores can have sex without emotion or attachment.
OomYaaqub at 2:37PM on Oct 4th 2007
30. [[The selections above can only be made if applicant(selector)will provide the following ***5 work related refrences,5 non family character refrences,an earnings statement for the last 3 years, a credit bureau score showing AAA+ credit history ,a $25,000 Processing fee and a D N A sample. This process has been created to simplify the current inability of thinking on your own, thus eliminating the potential for error in relationship selections ....:)]]
LOL, obviously, if you do this, Judy, you have a new career and will never have to work again...
OomYaaqub at 7:02PM on Oct 4th 2007