According to an article in the New York Times yesterday that quotes a Michigan State University study, sleeping with your friends is complicated. Yeah, thanks. Here's the original abstract:Friends with benefits (FWB) refers to "friends" who have sex. . . . Results indicated that 60% of the individuals surveyed have had this type of relationship, that a common concern was that sex might complicate friendships by bringing forth unreciprocated desires for romantic commitment . . . Although common, FWB relationships are often problematic for the same reasons that they are attractive.
Translation: More than half of us have slept with our friends to avoid dealing with real relationships. And yet, they often lead to real relationships that are extra messy.
Unfortunately, the study has a fatal flaw: it doesn't explain how to travel back in time and explain this to our twenty-two-year-old selves.
(Photo: Getty Images.)
Reader Comments ( Page 3 of 3)
31. FWB can work well. More often than not people do so with what would better be called acquaintances or not real close friends, so if you don't stay well connected after it ends, then it's not much of an impact. If the person is a close friend, it often will complicate it and that of course is obvious. My bet is the study looked entirely at asking people if they had had sex with actual friends, and that they didn't even capture the situations in which it typically takes place.
It also happens a bit more so with two people who have met recently and have interest but have realized they're not going to be long-term yet want to have a nice connection with the person. In some ways, it's akin to what some people considering dating someone they aren't going to do a long-term relationship with, yet there's good stuff so they do it. They can date other people, and often do date other people. FWB is similar but it's got less of a we're on a date feel. And is more low-key. In many ways, it's more honest.
Also, for what it's worth, one of the two times I've done this I ended up being very close friends with the person in the future, and we had only been acquaintances to begin with.
CarolM03 at 12:19AM on Oct 5th 2007
32. I had a relationship like that, and I thought it was more. It was only on my part. When I found out he had other friends like that to it broke my heart. The sex part ended but we have been able to stay friends. I'm living with his brother now. Does that make me sick?
Tammie Nahku at 3:55AM on Oct 6th 2007
33. I learned early on that FWB's suck. Royally...no pun intended. You try to kid yourself that you're not going to fall for the other person, but then why do you have enough attraction towards them to have sex with them? It all makes perfect sense when you look @ it from the flipside...I just wish I could have realized that a yr ago...
Liz at 11:04PM on Oct 7th 2007
34. OomYaaqub...
Cut the "Dear Abby" bullshit...Friends-With-Benefits happens sometimes it's good, sometimes bad; it's mostly dependent on the people in the situation. I've had some occasion for personal daliance with a friend, overall it was mostly experimentation of attraction. A couple times a major mistake; but, a couple times it has made for a much closer (read: unbreakable) bond between consenting adults.
I have one friend who is married now (years after the fact), the only sticky part we have is in her husband not really knowing just how well we DO know one another, otherwise she and I are extremely close, open and honest about everything. If she and I hadn't had our intimate moments (followed by a cool-down phase) we'd not have the person in each other's lives who is truly the one person who will not judge, will always be compassionate and caring, a shoulder to cry on and someone who each can COMPLETELY trust. There is VERY little baggage (quite a few inside jokes).
If the person TRULY is your friend...you'll both be much closer and stronger for it. If there is any doubt between you...never go there.
Alcyone at 8:52PM on Oct 8th 2007