The results are in. The identities are revealed. Below are the answers to our poll on Democrat Candidate Ears.

The ears are ordered according to how well they finished in the poll. The parentheticals indicate their order in the initial quiz.


1. Barack Obama - 24% (Ear 4)



2. Katee Sackhoff, aka Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica - 18% (Ear 7)



3. John Edwards - 16% (Ear 8)



4. Chris Dodd - 12% (Ear 5)



5. Dennis Kucinich - 10% (Ear 6)



6. Mike Gravel - 9% (Ear 2)



7. Joe Biden - 8% (Ear 3)



8. Bill Richardson - 4% (Ear 1)



At first glance the results are good news for Obama. He's got a great ear. Youthful and sprightly. (Dennis Kucinich's ear is a pale imitation.)

But Obama wasn't competing with Hillary. (Many of you mistook Katee's ear for Hillary's. Unfortunately the Clinton campaign would not grant clearance on a closeup of her ear.) So is Obama's victory here hollow?

I can't help but think of West Virginia's 4'11" Mary Lou Retton vaulting to gold at the '84 Olympics. I loved Mary Lou Retton and wanted to be inspired by her gold - but the Soviets had boycotted the games. Sure she beat Ecaterina Szabo (Romania's Katee Sackhoff). But did Retton really deserve the cover of Wheaties? It's kind of like Tom Harkin winning the '92 Iowa Caucuses when no one else competed.



Or am I being hyper-critical?

Moving on ... John Edwards persistence is paying off, though you'd think for $400 they could clean up around the ears! Sheesh!

Chris Dodd has a nice meaty lobe. Is that the reason for his surprisingly strong finish? Or is it the publicity behind his moving his whole family, including two small kids, to Iowa? If all else fails, his misadventure might make for a riveting C-SPAN reality series. "In Dodd We Trust"? "Dodd and Country"? Or maybe even a sitcom. Eva Gabor's not around. But maybe Zsa Zsa can play Mrs. Dodd?

Mike Gravel has been a great tonic to the campaign. He's no nuisance, rather the supreme campaign gadfly - keeping the rest of them as honest as possible. His ear is too greasy, though. The shine is distracting. I'd recommend a Clinique astringent or exfoliant. (I would have recommended Kiehl's, but they stopped sending me free stuff.)

Joe Biden would have done better, but his ear is out of focus.

I'm happy to report that Bill Richardson (aka "My Big Fat New Mexico Governor") finished dead last. Sorry, but I'm not a fan. I visited Santa Fe for Thanksgiving three years ago and wrote him a long handwritten note afterward giving my impressions. He never wrote back. This is no small slight, considering I hawked his crapass salsa at the '04 convention, even mentioning it on Larry King Live. (Yes, Richardson slapped his face on jars of salsa.) I won't be returning to Santa Fe anytime soon. It's a beautiful city but the governor who resides there is very impolite. So take your Nambé and shove it in your last place ear!

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Krakovia is coming back to clean tomorrow. I'll be at Dr. Saguaro's when she lets herself in. What cleaning solution should I leave in the bathroom for the floor? Please advise.