We just ran an article on Babble.com called "And Baby Makes Four." It's by a woman, Miriam Axel-Lute, who has two partners, one a man and one a woman. Together, the three of them are raising a little girl. From her vantage point, her family and the other "triad" families she knows seem to be working at least as well as the monogamous heterosexual couples (better, if you consider the advantage of three potential incomes and three sets of hands). She writes:
"Why do some kids have three parents?"
A group of our friends were spending a weekend at a cabin in the mountains, and our hosts' not-quite-three-year-old was starting to do the math. Over the squalls of nap-resisting toddlers, her mom responded without missing a beat: "Because they're lucky."
We loved reading about how three parents raise a child together as equal partners:
There's no question in my family about who is a parent. All three of us went to every prenatal appointment. My wife cut the cord at the birth and is on the birth certificate as the witness. We took the same last name so as to share a family name with our children. We paid way too much money to a lawyer to draw up a co-parenting agreement so that our intentions are crystal clear, even though the state of New York would consider it an unenforceable contract.
My daughter just learned to pronounce "Mommy" and "Mama" differently, and every morning the first thing she does when she wakes up is take inventory: "Daddy!" "Mama!" "Mommy!" If someone's left the house already it requires repeated explanations. There's certainly no question in her mind who her parents are.
Read the story here, then weigh in in feedback. How do you feel about Miriam's family? Fascinated? Appalled? Jealous? Could polyamory be one solution to the nation's childcare crisis?
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 6)
16. I know a triad raising two kids. They (the adults) have been together 13 years. It hasn't always been easy, there's been fights and tears, but they've always stuck and they're bonded for good. The setup is certainly wonderful for the kids. When one of the kids started going to preschool she was sad to learn of the other poor kids who didn't have a Daddy, a Mommy, and a Mumsy. With two professional career incomes *and* a stay-at-home mom they're quite well off.
Nowadays, one of the women is old enough that she often gets taken for a live-in aunt or grandmother by people who aren't in the know. Such people have told her how lucky the kids are to live in such a "traditional" extended family.
Alan
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alan7388 at 9:13AM on Nov 17th 2007
17. This author does the same thing over and over. Takes one situation that "seems" to be working, use it to paint the whole picture, and ignores all the data that has come in over the past 30 years. In this generation antidepressants are now the most prescribed and most profitable drugs on the market, we have the highest divorce rate of any "civilized" society in history, and we're the first generation to have a majority of children grow up outside of a two parent home; to say nothing of AIDS, HPV, herpes, chlamydia - that doctors tell us that now MOST young people who are sexually active will get an STD in their lifetime.
David S. - you call someone an "arrogant witch" for expressing an opinion contrary to your own. You are a perfect illustration of how uncivil our society has become as well. Just watch and see where we are in another 30 years if we don't wake up and reject these failed ideas. Instead, idiots like this writer want to take up deeper into the abyss.
lighthousecog at 10:04AM on Nov 17th 2007
18. Boy, the lawyers gonna love this. Do both mommies get child support and alimony when they "divorce" assuming they bothered to get married in the firsat place? Who get custody of the kid, and are any of them "fit parents?"
Certainly no suprise this country going down the crapper on the fast track.
dave at 10:38AM on Nov 17th 2007
19. Polygamy is practiced in many places in the world and has been since the beginning of time. Like very other lifestyle choice, whether it be marriage, a significant other without marriage, monasticism in community, being a celibate hermit, etc., it has its up side and down side. Those of us who are Christian need to simply keep our ways of life to ourselves inside the Church. The Church and the State should have nothing to do with one another. Gay civil marriage? Sure, why not? Polygamy...their business not ours. The problem with Christianity is that we try to cram our belief system down everyone's throats through laws and our judgments. This ISN'T Christian. Jesus never said "Go ye therefore and take over the legislature." Christians need to leave non-Christians strictly alone and neither judge not try to pass laws restricting their behavior. What we do WITHIN the Church should, similarly, be our business and not that of the State. The Orthodox Church does not do gay marriages (although we have an eternal friendship service that is sometimes used). However, I could really care less if a gay couple wants to get married. Or if there is a polygamous marriage. NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It isn't for me. But WHY do Christians want to see everyone behave just like them?? Take the log out of your own eyss first. Then leave the judgment to God. You are not God and have no right to judge.
Father John at 11:04AM on Nov 17th 2007
20. May I point out that after thousand's of years of communities raising children (not two people only) our society has degraded into such individualism and judgmental alienation of each other that a child is left to the input of only 1 or 2 parents if they are lucky enough to have actual "parents." I love how many comments start out with "I don't have anything against these people" and then end up with "but they're doing something horribly wrong." Reality check people... growing up in a "Christian" home with only two parent's 1 male 1 female by no means guarantees a healthy, home environment. Looking at what is happening with our youth I would contend that "alternatives" to our children's upbringing are a necessity. Considering what many of the "Christian" religious leaders have done to some of our children I would rethink the perception of a "good Christian upbringing" as being the pinnacle of healthy parenting. As far as jealousy goes, that can happen in any relationship. Usually the jealousy in a family with a small child is the man being jealous of all the attention the woman is giving to the new baby. Having two women around would probably alleviate this problem quite well. Lastly, literally every gay or bi individual I personally know has heterosexual Christian parents. So being exposed to heterosexuality and a "good Christian upbringing" didn't make them heterosexual people. I don't think being exposed to bisexual or homosexual parents is likely to effect the sexuality of the children raised by them either.
OMG at 4:17PM on Nov 17th 2007
21. you know you people with negative comments towards these people are idiots. We are given 1 life to live...one chance to enjoy our time on this earth but we are supposed to restrict our happiness for the sake of words written in a book? Keep your beliefs to yourself. At least this chid has the opportunity to be raised by people who care. Dont judge them. Just live your own miserable life and shut the F*CK UP!!!!!
poundaproblem at 11:51AM on Nov 17th 2007
22. Father John, that is the most inspiring thing I have ever heard a christian say in a long time. Thank you.
To every one else, families are unique structures made up of unique individuals. I don't care if two people make a family, three people make a family, or ten adults make a family. What matters to me is that all ten adults and their children are happy and willing participants and that the adult participants retain the ability to leave the arrangement. If they really can be that selfless then more power to them. I don't think its any more or less objectionable to dual parent situations, and preferable to single parent hardships. (to single parents who do raise their children alone, you have my amazement and my respect, but the more income bringers the more options a family has.)
Indeed, I have to wonder how much economic inputus is being the forming of triads? Two income workers, one full time attendee, or even three incomes if every one is good about their schedual. As strange as it seems, it does make sense.
Somber at 12:09PM on Nov 17th 2007
23. "Arrogant witch in #1"...she sounded calm to me. Amusing how Christians are not allowed to calmly voice their opinions without being attacked, name called, labeled, etc...yet any liberal statement is blithely accepted as universal truth.
Liberals want no absolute truth, so they can "do" whatever, without any thinking person getting in their way. Despite their screaming and grandstanding to hide opposing viewpoints... they are still in the minority...and are usually wrong. It's true, history repeats, and they don't learn.
Rebecca at 12:58PM on Nov 17th 2007
24. In some parts of the world, the normal family unit is two fathers and one mother raising kids together in a triad. This developed because in hospitable habitats like the Himalayas, Arctic, etc, it's too difficult for only two people to raise children. It's been working there for thousands of years, if this is what these people want and helps them better raise their children, why not let them? Just because it's not "normal" in our culture (which includes our popular religions) dosn't necessarily mean it's bad.
whatsherface33 at 3:25PM on Nov 17th 2007
25. I thought Bigamy was illegal? But really the Moromns have been doing this for over 100 years. As do muslims. Big whoop! They are just stupid and selfish women. The guy is the one who is in the cat birds seat. He dosent need to help with the child rearing as the work is spread out and dosent need to provide for the family as that is also shared among more people. Nice gig if you can get it. Gals wake up!
Heidi at 4:50PM on Nov 17th 2007
26. Daddy, a Mommy, and a Mumsy
Funny how it is always one male and multiple females. Guys arent STUPID enough to accept being in a plural marraige with another man. Anyone OUT there got an example of a MMF triad in the USA today?
Heidi at 4:56PM on Nov 17th 2007
27. I live in Utah and the debate over polygomy is always going on. Even though the Mormon church denounced polygomy ages ago, and excommunicates anyone who participates in it, they still get thrown in the mix when the subject of polygomy is brought up. I find it interesting that people tolerate polygomy based on how it is started. For instance...if people are in a polygomous relationship clearly for the sex, because they "love" each other and to "express" themselves then people tend to think it's OK. Even if this involves children! (Hugh Hefner anyone?) The "Girls Next Door" and Hugh are in a polygomous relationship whether they call themselves "wife" or "husband" or "girlfriend" or boyfriend". And they are embraced by the media as "darlings". The two women and man in this article don't talk about religion..they just like having sex exclusively with each other and add kids to mix. On the flip side is the criticism for people who form their own religions and start practicing polygomy because of so-called religious beliefs. They are harshly dealt with by the law and the media. Personally, I don't see much difference in the reason people are practicing polygomy...they are all doing something illegal, immoral, and harmful to our society. I just think it's sad that if it involves religion it's BAD and if it doesn't, it's "OK".
Caroline at 5:20PM on Nov 17th 2007
28. This sort of family arrangement is already seen as taboo in Western society, so any negative blip on the radar such a family could encounter of course is going to be blown up like "see? SEE? You saw that one bad thing happened in that alternative family, so now because of that [one small incidence] we know that that sort of lifestyle is not good for the children." However there are some opposite-sex two-parent households in the U.S. that have lots of unethical things going on such as...
...one or both parents being violent alcoholics
...neglect of the children
...sexual molestation and exploitation of children
...guns and other dangerous weaponry being kept inside the home and not locked away
and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Yet while it's come out that this stuff has gone on in more than a few homes where it's a man and a woman in a serious relationship or marriage, and they have children, nobody is out there saying "One mommy + one daddy = a Model Family?" Problems that those in an "alternative" family might encounter in their private lives, the fact that they may have some difficulties is of course going to fuel the fires of those who see family structures other than man/woman as wrong, or "sinful".
and to Rebecca of comment #22 (and anyone else who thinks like that):
I think you need to get over yourselves trying to write off people with liberal ideologies in one broad brushstroke. It's ridiculous and annoying seeing comments like yours which implicitly to paint conservatives, especially those who are Christian-identified, as as some victimized, discriminated-against social group in the U.S. I mean statements saying things like "liberals want no absolute truth", I mean really what the heck kind of b.s. is that??? Anything you all perceive as some attack against you because you're conservative or conservative Christian does not even come CLOSE to the kind of discrimination heaped upon nonwhites in America that was set in legal stone 'til the 1960s that some of you so fondly diss, and I can tell that that's the sort of discrimination you're trying to act like is happening to you as well. Your explicit claims and subtle implications of "we get the worst from society because we're conservative/Christian-conservative" and "we get attacked for no other reason than expressing our opinions" are not only bogus, they're insulting to people who have in fact been physically attacked by others who don't like the message they're bringing. So why don't you just get off your subtlely constructed beaten-down-hero-grandeur soapbox already.
b at 5:48PM on Nov 17th 2007
29. The word of God says it's wrong and what God say's go. one day these people will have to answer to God for what they are doing. It's wrong and that's all there is to it and i don't see any thing good about it but a child that going to grow up more confused than their parents are
conne smith at 12:39AM on Nov 18th 2007
30. I think if all three are kind,considerate,caring and willing to share their love and the responsibility of bringing up the child ,then I do agree with their method because it's more econonical in the long run.
Paul G. at 6:09PM on Nov 17th 2007