We just ran an article on Babble.com called "And Baby Makes Four." It's by a woman, Miriam Axel-Lute, who has two partners, one a man and one a woman. Together, the three of them are raising a little girl. From her vantage point, her family and the other "triad" families she knows seem to be working at least as well as the monogamous heterosexual couples (better, if you consider the advantage of three potential incomes and three sets of hands). She writes:
"Why do some kids have three parents?"
A group of our friends were spending a weekend at a cabin in the mountains, and our hosts' not-quite-three-year-old was starting to do the math. Over the squalls of nap-resisting toddlers, her mom responded without missing a beat: "Because they're lucky."
We loved reading about how three parents raise a child together as equal partners:
There's no question in my family about who is a parent. All three of us went to every prenatal appointment. My wife cut the cord at the birth and is on the birth certificate as the witness. We took the same last name so as to share a family name with our children. We paid way too much money to a lawyer to draw up a co-parenting agreement so that our intentions are crystal clear, even though the state of New York would consider it an unenforceable contract.
My daughter just learned to pronounce "Mommy" and "Mama" differently, and every morning the first thing she does when she wakes up is take inventory: "Daddy!" "Mama!" "Mommy!" If someone's left the house already it requires repeated explanations. There's certainly no question in her mind who her parents are.
Read the story here, then weigh in in feedback. How do you feel about Miriam's family? Fascinated? Appalled? Jealous? Could polyamory be one solution to the nation's childcare crisis?
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 6)
46. I just have 1 Q (a bit off-topic tho' it is): forget about the children/parenting issue, isn't polygamy well, plain illegal? I mean, if this is OK (purely legally speaking), then why all the fuss about Mormons? And, no, I'm not Mormon. As a hetero woman who, like someone noted already, is human and, well, KNOW I'd get jealous (and FORGET about hubby bringing in a "2nd hubby" *shiver* or "2nd wifey" *pure fury* for himself or me)...the polygamy thang wouldn't work for me. To keep to topic, I'm one who thinks that such a situation (and sorry I feel the same when it comes to homosexual parenting) puts the child under undue pressure and stress that they didn't ask for. But I DON'T think that that makes the parents "bad" parents. I guess this issue could be resolved if the fam lives in an area/social setting that has other similar fams so the children don't feel like the "town freaks".
Huh? at 9:33AM on Nov 18th 2007
47. one of the things i liked about this country was that majority ruled. now do what you want, within the law, pay your taxes, be kind and whatever but all these people validating this crap and saying, "you can never have too much love...three parents is better than one..." don't you realize you're becoming sheople? someone is throwing some edgy "progressive" thought at you and of course you'll agree because you want to be hip and cool. bottom line, it's wrong, it's gross, it's twisted and their kid will be on Springer in 14 years and you will all be surprised why?
loi at 9:57PM on Nov 18th 2007
48. Sounds like someones been reading The Harrod Experiment! But besides that lets try to stay a bit more removed from each others bedroom (since this seems to be important to some)and be glad that there are differances in the human experiance that make the main stream think. I'll leave the question of right and wrong to others. Everyone has their own feelings on the subject but "eternal damnation" would concievably be left to a non-mortal, and that leaves us with the simple question of our own personal thoughts on the subject. Sounds like there's love between them and that's what counts.
Leon at 10:33AM on Nov 18th 2007
49. To the people concerned about jealousy: yes, it does come up in polyamorous relationships sometimes, JUST AS IT DOES IN MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS.
Most poly people learn to communicate with their partners very well. It's even more of a necessity when there are more people involved (even if they aren't all involved with each other) than it is when there are just two. In my own poly relationships, I've dealt with jealousy. I've discussed it with my partner(s), found out the root of the problem, and worked to fix it. Jealousy is just an indicator that something in a relationship needs work. Once that work gets done, the jealousy fades. Good relationships can survive these sorts of issues through communication, patience, and understanding. You'd be surprised.
Laura at 11:43AM on Nov 18th 2007
50. To commenter #1. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
To Heidi. Yes there are MMF triads :) Plenty of them. I happen to be in a relationship where I share my girlfriend with her partner of 8+ years. He and I aren't involved but we're friendly and its not uncommon for the three of us to go do things socially.
To everyone talking about polygamy. There's some key differences between polygamy and polyamory. Polygamy is sort of a loaded term in US society because as it was (and occasionally still is) practiced in Utah it has had the effect of forcing young women into marriages they didn't want.
Try looking up polygamy sometime and you'll find out that the outlawing of it had a lot more to do with politics and the fear of having an independent political entity in the middle of the continent than it had to do with morals. Morals were just the excuse.
Polyamory is something thats entered into by fully consenting adults. If everyone involved doesn't consent to the relationship then it's not polyamory.
To everyone talking about jealousy being inevitable. Guess what? You're right! But that doesn't mean that everyone storms off in a huff. You get jealous, you tell your partners about it and you work it out. That doesn't mean it's easy. But it can be incredibly rewarding. And believe it or not...it's not all about the sex for most folks. Thought it certainly is a nice bonus!
Timothy O. at 11:50AM on Nov 18th 2007
51. This article-real life scenario depicts the attack of family- it will now give us all yet another idea-let's all go out and get another partner, because our neighbor is doing it so we need to do it to! raises questions for the sane minded doesn't it-Satan is evil and sneaky-no this has nothing to do with religion -only the many different ways that evil attacks the very fabric that made the human race superior over other species living on earth-satan would like to see us lower than animals because that is all he thinks of us -and every time we devirt ourselves from everything good we give him one more bit of hope that humans are really that gullible, vunerable and ultimately blind minded. Smarten up people -the human race has a viable threat called "SATAN" our world has been threatened since time began-every time, changing and when Satan runs out of ideas-he recycles. Oh, I forgot since this is the ideal situation for most males or bisexual females this really may take on in the US...it allows the fantasy to become reality-could you imagine if every fanatasy that existed in peoples heads were allowed to be reality-I do not want it to be my reality- keep it to yourself!
michipdeq at 12:45PM on Nov 18th 2007
52. You know, why is it that there are so many comments about jealousy and religion in regards to this?
Has anyone ever thought to look into the psychological studies regarding such family units? Psychologists have shown that kids raised in such families are just as well adjusted as any other kid.
And what's the difference between jealousy in a polyamorous relationship and that of a monogamous relationship? Look at the stats regarding divorce in society today. how many of those are due to adultery and jealousy?
jealousy can arise in ANY relationship. how do you deal with jealousy in a normal relationship? you communicate!
Ursinos at 2:14PM on Nov 18th 2007
53. putting all religion aside. THAT IS THE PROBLEM!
BECAUSE WE ARE BORN IN SIN .PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS DISTINGUISH THE WILL OF GOD FROM THE INFLUENCE OF THE DEVIL IN EVERY ONE'S LIFE IT WILL BE SOMETHING. SO CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR UNDERSTANDING.
MARIA at 1:18PM on Nov 18th 2007
54. Is it selfish to want a family? I want a family and I am 40 and unmarried. I will have a child on my own but they will be raised by the whole of my extended family and friends. Most dysfunctional homes are traditional two parent homes. I know mothers who are married with children they never wanted but to those of you who oppose the non traditional, that is OK. My mother raised two girls on her own and we grew up to be fine citizens who have traveled the world and devote our time and money to those less fortunate, thank God my mother was selfish.
Quinnette at 1:44PM on Nov 18th 2007
55. Father John-
I'm assuming your name there means you are a leader in the Church. I question whether or not you are teaching based on Scripture. The Bible says that polygamy and homosexuality and wrong and therefore should not be tolerated. Period. End of story. I'm not saying that Christians should belligerently "cram" their beliefs down others' throats, as you so eloquently put it, but we should take a stand for what is right. And that means voicing our opinions when something is wrong. Leave our beliefs inside the church? REALLY? What good does that do anyone? No, Christ did not tell us, "Go ye therefore and take over the legislature," but He DID say to spread the Gospel, and that is not done sitting in your worn out church pew. One way it's done is by being actively involved in our community, and yes, our government. The goal of a Christian's involvement in this manner is not to get everyone to "behave just like them" but to bring them to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I have a problem with your generalizations about those of us in the Christian faith. The people mentioned in this article are clearly in the wrong. There is no more to it than that.
gatorgal228 at 1:46PM on Nov 18th 2007
56. Heidi as to your comment about a MMF triad, not only do I live in an open poly marriage in which we both have the ability to have other relationships I do live in a MMF triad in which I am equal to my wifes other significant other. I also know of many more positive, loving, long lasting MFM V type triads. Some of these comments have been great, others are horrid. I am a physical anthropologist who also studies culture around the world and I hate to tell most people here but polyamoury has been practiced in most cultures and in many it is still common practice. Alternative religion is also quite popular around the world. Statistically in all actuality Christianity is quickly becoming a large minority. I won't bash any religion as I follow "to each his/her own" but I really wish that most Christians would adopt a similar policy. Father John's comments were wonderful and show a forward thinking and accepting Christian who realizes that the negative and small minded thinkers should not be the norm.
swalters at 4:51PM on Nov 18th 2007
57. > Funny how it is always one male and
> multiple females.... Anyone OUT there
> got an example of a MMF triad in the
> USA today?
Quite a few. Actually, a few years ago Loving More magazine surveyed 1,050 of its readers and found they included pretty much equal numbers of triads with two men as with two women.
alan7388 at 2:12PM on Nov 18th 2007
58. How many adoptive parents besides myself are deeply offended and sickened by the attitude expressed by poster #43? I accept that the statistics may be accurate, but that certainly does not mean that loving people cannot and do not successfully raise children that are not biologically their own. Certainly, the world would a less happy and more miserable place if that were not allowed.
C.B. at 2:14PM on Nov 18th 2007
59. WHY do people keep bringing up polygomy when they are obviously polyamorous?
*D* at 2:39PM on Nov 18th 2007
60. This is excellent. I frequently worry about all those people in monogamous marriages, because more often than not (really, more than 50% of the time) they end in divorce, which is really bad for the kids. Kids need to be protected from monogamous marriages.
In one recent study, more than 98% of sex offenders in prison were raised in strict religious households. If we want to stop sex offenders before they start, we need to stop raising kids in strict religious households. Hurts, when statistics turn against you, doesn't it?
I know quads (two men, two women) than have been going for nearly two decades,far, far longer than most monogamous marriages, and raised wonderful, well-adjusted children. In fact, I'd arguse that their children are better adjusted than nearly everyone I know raised in a "traditional" two parent household. And if those kids decide to have monogamous relationships for the rest of their lives? That's okay; their parents will still love them. How many "christians" would say the same, if the positions were reversed?
Quinn at 4:04PM on Nov 18th 2007