Dancing with the Stars: Stick a Fork in it

Mo Rocca has appeared on a bunch of shows, including 'The Daily Show,' 'I Love the 80s,'...

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Dancing with the Stars: Stick a Fork in it

Posted Nov 28th 2007 12:31AM by Mo Rocca
Filed under: Osmonds, Mo Rocca, Dancing with the Stars, Helio Castroneves

There's not much to say about tonight's bloated DWTS Finale.

Marie Osmond was rip-corded at the start - punishment for her jaw-dropping blow up doll dance from the night before. (Several readers insist she was impersonating Raggedy Ann. Fine, she was a blow up Raggedy Ann.) That performance will live on in graduate Women Studies seminars for years to come.

I did like Marie's video obit, though it couldn't touch the quality of American Idol's video obits. ("I'm Coming Home" chokes me up every time.) Marie talked about how the competition was something she could count on during these past two and a half months. And she mercifully did not plug her doll collection!

It's a good thing that Marie was eliminated before a full backlash took hold. Public opinion was turning swiftly against her earlier today - and Marie knew it. Hence her increasingly neurotic behavior on camera: Her laugh had begun sounding more like a bray. She'd begun sneering at the judges - acidly calling them "stepsisters." One couldn't help but notice a tendency to hectically babble nonsense to her fans. "Spray tan! Dolls! I'm old! Vote for Meeeee!" Marie was clearly losing her grip and needed to be terminated.

Marie's woes are hardly over: There's a growing cult of people who believe her faint was an act. These are the same people who think that Miss Puerto Rico's dress wasn't actually coated with pepper spray, and that 9/11 was an inside job. Marie will need to face her accusers and disprove the charges.

Celine Dion did not appear live, though ABC did a lousy job of suggesting she was actually there. Her performances were pre-taped. (Rene doesn't stay up past 7pm.) Her performance of the Titanic theme was underwhelming but her new song is catchy and she sounded great on it.

The parade of also-rans were notable mainly for its extensive Injuries List. Wayne Newton, who sounds strangely like John McCain, wouldn't disclose his mysterious ailment. And the boxer (it's too late for me to actually check his name) couldn't wait to hobble out of there.

The biggest oops: No mention of Jane Seymour's mother passing. With so much of an emphasis placed on contestants' hardships, this was a major gaffe. Instead we repeatedly saw the Zapruder film of Jenny Garth falling during her quick step.

The most moving moment: The video sequences of friends and family of Mel and Helio. Geri Halliwell described Mel as "super sensitive." One couldn't help but notice that none of Mel's relatives offered testimonials. (Helio's lovely sister Kati told a funny story about sequins.) Maksim was particularly poignant in describing why he liked partnering Mel.

I got the feeling that Mel is a special person and maybe someone who's faced a lot of challenges. I began feeling quite protective of her. One thing she should not do: get romantically involved with Maksim. As individuals, I'm sure they're great. As a couple, I'm convinced that both would end up dead. I can't explain it. It's just a hunch.

Best moment: Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan's cha cha was outrageously good. (Just wondering: Is Hillary Clinton the Democratic Party's Cheetah Girl - seen as an inevitable victor, before suddenly failing? I ask because Hillary is now facing a stiff challenge in Iowa from Obama. If so, that would make Obama his party's Helio? Both have big ears.)

The biggest revelation of the evening: the magnetism of Drew Lachey. Samantha Harris is a beautiful girl ... who has no place co-hosting this show. She doesn't listen. (This is surprising, since she's from Minnesota. And Minnesotans are known for being good listeners.)

The impish Lachey, on the other hand, is pure fun. His antics are a wonderful contrast with the droll suavity of Tom Bergeron. They're reality television's Martin and Lewis.

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Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 3)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | Most Recent | Next 15 Comments

1. you have no idea how much I love you... LOVE

dan at 1:25AM on Nov 28th 2007

2. I think you mean Drew Lachey....

circe at 1:40AM on Nov 28th 2007

3. Good catch, Circe. Thanks! (I was just washing my blender when I realized the same thing and rushed back to my keyboard.)

Mo Rocca at 1:45AM on Nov 28th 2007

4. I do not know what is up with that Dan guy, but I'd watch him if I were you.
Most of us just love you for your wit, combined of course with your mastery of the tango, the waltz, and the ballet.
As for all these nasty cut-throat realitytype competitions, I say why can't we all just get along? Why can't we all be winners?! I fear we are fast becoming a nation of judgeaholics (copyright). Perspicacity is important in the finest of fine arts, but this just seems cruel, even for the high art of celebrity dancing. Oh well, there's no accounting for tastes; that's what I told myself when I lost in the foxtrot category... Sigh.
Mo, you're hilarious. Thanks for keeping us up on the latest with the stars!
W

wayne at 2:01AM on Nov 28th 2007

5. I forgot to suggest Randy Newman's great "Marie" (demo version)for M.O.'s audio obit....

wayne at 2:05AM on Nov 28th 2007

6. Did anyone else notice that "the show must go on" Marie Osmond disappeared from the finale as soon as she was eliminated? Seems a bit of poor sportsmanship to me.

Sherry at 2:24AM on Nov 28th 2007

7. Tom Bergeron was boring ever since he was on Breakfast Time on FX when I was a young kid. And his Americas Funniest Home Videos are just lame. Bring back foul mouthed Saget!
Lachey seems like such a sweetheart. I'd even take him over his dufus brother! Throw the other jerks off the show and just give it to Drew.

All good things aside though, Drew is no dreamboat Mo Rocca ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HWcTnQjqOo

Jacqueline at 2:57AM on Nov 28th 2007

8. I usually never waste my time on such article dribble-Mo! However being a bit under the weather I ventured in. I was right, your slimy rants about anything that coud be a target, such as Dancing with the stars and Marie Osmond, keep you in business. However, I would bet that your time is limited as a writer. Why don't you take up garbage collecting.
Respectfully,
Dr. Z

Dr. Mark D. Zimmerman at 9:06AM on Nov 28th 2007

9. Mo,
you crack me up...
"Rene doesn't stay up past 7pm"...it hurts! lol

Drew has too much of a shifty George Bush smirk for me to get past..ewwww.

I feel hung over from all this,I'll slowly sip ginger ale all morning.

ah,clem at 8:23AM on Nov 28th 2007

10. DOCTOR Z,

Just give Mo your address dear.

ah,clem at 9:10AM on Nov 28th 2007

11. "Wayne Newton, who sounds strangely like John McCain, wouldn't disclose his mysterious ailment."

The mysterious ailment was cited in the news as 'endocarditis' (inflammation of the inner wall of the heart) - probably not a good idea for him to dance if he has that.

mamaelk at 9:36AM on Nov 28th 2007

12. Aw Mo,

You know I was a little let down
when you changed horses in midstream on DWTS.
Admittedly, you never actually said
"I endorse Marie,"
But a majority of people sensed that.
And then you turned like an omelette.
Oh the humanity.
Anyway, it inspired me to sing this parody:

To the tune of Abba's "Take a Chance on Me."

STICK A FORK IN ME

When you changed your mind, it was so unkind
Honey, I’m Marie
Stick a fork in me
When you blew me up just so, then let me go
When you dropped me cold and jumped on Helio
I thought you loved me on the Andy Williams Show
At the age of three?
Stick a fork in me
I tried my very best, Mormons don’t lie
But I couldn’t hold Mo’s wandering eye

Stick a fork in me
(That’s what you did honey)
Stick a fork in me

Kimball/Rocca '08

John Giza at 9:41AM on Nov 28th 2007

13. Dr. Z,

What do you usually waste your time on?

Malpractice suits?

JG

John Giza at 9:45AM on Nov 28th 2007

14. giza...remember your new years resolution...live and let live...breathe deeply. dr. mark will get all better today and go off and hurt his regular patients tomorrow.

loved the abba song, but don't be upset with mo. mo may have turned like an omelette, but he had no choice when marie turned into a bad egg.

bobbleheaddoll at 10:31AM on Nov 28th 2007

15. Well I don't care how crazy or old she may be, I still like Marie.

Blayze at 11:00AM on Nov 28th 2007

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Mo Rocca appears on a bunch of shows, including CBS News Sunday Morning (with the indescribably wonderful Charles Osgood), The Tonight Show on NBC, and NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! He's a sometime judge on Iron Chef and was featured on Telemundo's Amore Descarado. Last year he starred on Broadway in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. His expose "All the President's Pets" was published by Crown in 2004.