There's not much to say about tonight's bloated DWTS Finale.

Marie Osmond was rip-corded at the start - punishment for her jaw-dropping blow up doll dance from the night before. (Several readers insist she was impersonating Raggedy Ann. Fine, she was a blow up Raggedy Ann.) That performance will live on in graduate Women Studies seminars for years to come.

I did like Marie's video obit, though it couldn't touch the quality of American Idol's video obits. ("I'm Coming Home" chokes me up every time.) Marie talked about how the competition was something she could count on during these past two and a half months. And she mercifully did not plug her doll collection!

It's a good thing that Marie was eliminated before a full backlash took hold. Public opinion was turning swiftly against her earlier today - and Marie knew it. Hence her increasingly neurotic behavior on camera: Her laugh had begun sounding more like a bray. She'd begun sneering at the judges - acidly calling them "stepsisters." One couldn't help but notice a tendency to hectically babble nonsense to her fans. "Spray tan! Dolls! I'm old! Vote for Meeeee!" Marie was clearly losing her grip and needed to be terminated.

Marie's woes are hardly over: There's a growing cult of people who believe her faint was an act. These are the same people who think that Miss Puerto Rico's dress wasn't actually coated with pepper spray, and that 9/11 was an inside job. Marie will need to face her accusers and disprove the charges.

Celine Dion did not appear live, though ABC did a lousy job of suggesting she was actually there. Her performances were pre-taped. (Rene doesn't stay up past 7pm.) Her performance of the Titanic theme was underwhelming but her new song is catchy and she sounded great on it.

The parade of also-rans were notable mainly for its extensive Injuries List. Wayne Newton, who sounds strangely like John McCain, wouldn't disclose his mysterious ailment. And the boxer (it's too late for me to actually check his name) couldn't wait to hobble out of there.

The biggest oops: No mention of Jane Seymour's mother passing. With so much of an emphasis placed on contestants' hardships, this was a major gaffe. Instead we repeatedly saw the Zapruder film of Jenny Garth falling during her quick step.

The most moving moment: The video sequences of friends and family of Mel and Helio. Geri Halliwell described Mel as "super sensitive." One couldn't help but notice that none of Mel's relatives offered testimonials. (Helio's lovely sister Kati told a funny story about sequins.) Maksim was particularly poignant in describing why he liked partnering Mel.

I got the feeling that Mel is a special person and maybe someone who's faced a lot of challenges. I began feeling quite protective of her. One thing she should not do: get romantically involved with Maksim. As individuals, I'm sure they're great. As a couple, I'm convinced that both would end up dead. I can't explain it. It's just a hunch.

Best moment: Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan's cha cha was outrageously good. (Just wondering: Is Hillary Clinton the Democratic Party's Cheetah Girl - seen as an inevitable victor, before suddenly failing? I ask because Hillary is now facing a stiff challenge in Iowa from Obama. If so, that would make Obama his party's Helio? Both have big ears.)

The biggest revelation of the evening: the magnetism of Drew Lachey. Samantha Harris is a beautiful girl ... who has no place co-hosting this show. She doesn't listen. (This is surprising, since she's from Minnesota. And Minnesotans are known for being good listeners.)

The impish Lachey, on the other hand, is pure fun. His antics are a wonderful contrast with the droll suavity of Tom Bergeron. They're reality television's Martin and Lewis.