We just ran a story on Babble.com that tackles what for Generation X has become a taboo subject: discipline. Kathryn J. Alexander's "The War on No: Is 'child-centered' parenting producing a generation of brats?" says that the emphasis in recent years on making children feel secure has had an unfortunate consequence: kids who have never heard the word "no," and so who are unprepared for the real, "no"-filled world.
She writes:
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
We asked Babble readers if they thought kids today were being spoiled; an amazing 89% said yes.
Do you agree? How do you / did you / would you handle your own kids? We touched on this some last week when the Times reviewed the hardcore early Sesame Street and compared it to the much softer fare serve up to today's kids. And this anti-discipline trend seems to go hand-in-hand with the everyone-wins entertainment.
On the playground, we often see parents explaining in great detail to a two-year-old why he can't run out into traffic while the kid stands there blinking in confusion. Personally, we're very adamant about saying no when it's called for, enforcing a bedtime, sending thank-you notes and all those traditional strict-parent things.
And yet, whenever we brag about how well-behaved our son is, we bring down some kind of cosmic jinx on the house and the next day he's all trying to chase the cats and throw baseballs through the window. So for the cats' sake, we won't say we have it all figured out, but we will say we're whole-heartedly committed to raising a good citizen.
Given the attachment-parenting thrust of the current generation and the emphasis on self-esteem and creativity rather than fairness and maturity, sometimes it seems that creating responsible, capable adults isn't currently all parents' first priority.
Here's that article link again. Tell us what you think in comments!
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 6)
1. Wow -- no comments yet? I just have to say that as the daughter of a very sctrict mother, I sometimes find it hard to set and enforce limits for my 12-year-old son. However, I DO it, and I DO stand up to his whining, charm, and rationalizing. It's for his own good, and the good of everyone in the world he will encounter in the future.
Glad at 9:55AM on Nov 30th 2007
2. What would YOU do? I'm a divorced dad of a 16-year-old girl who lives with her mom, my ex, who has since remarried who seems to be a decent guy. The girl is doing lousy in school, she sasses her mom at all opportunities, acts up when she doesn't get her way, and has now decided that piercing her lip is the thing to do. Her mom asked me to step in, since she's had no luck making her weak parenting skills work. So I go to the house, get her to take the ring out of her lip, and get a promise from her to never put it back in. A week later, it's back in, because her mom can't handle our daughters reaction to "No."
I'm at wits end. Apparently it's easier for the ex to let the kid have her way. I see her growing up undisciplined and heading for a bleak future. Such a pretty and smart girl, too, it's a damn shame.
The ex won't go to parenting classes with me, and she blames ALL of this on ME, because I was strict with the kids when we were together, and now they're using that as an excuse to act up.
Should I accept that my daughter is screwed up and hope for the best? Do I let what's happening continue? What are my options!?
I welcome and and all serious and intelligent feedback.
Al at 10:08AM on Nov 30th 2007
3. Kids need ass whoopings, but not to the point where it's abuse. Sometimes you have to kick your kids' ass and let them know who's the boss. All this "yes baby" shit has to stop. Now dont get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with loving your kids and once in a while spoiling them. But when they pass the line, put them back in. I'm not encouraging child abuse by any means, but damn it WHOOP THAT ASS WHEN NECESSARY!
jerzeypapi4u at 10:32AM on Nov 30th 2007
4. That is sad about your daughter. That is your child, your flesh and blood. Don't allow your wife to let your daughter go down that path. Discipline for children is love for children. Children need guidlines to live by and consequences when they step beyond them. That is part of a healthy childhood that results in mature adults who can tackle the hardships of the real world. Discipline for your child is hard, but if you don't it shows that you really do not love your child enough to go through the trials that come with discipline.
Jason at 10:32AM on Nov 30th 2007
5. I personally think that the major issue with parenting is that it's a completely all-or-nothing approach. It seems that parents are incapable of finding a 'middle ground' between discipline and I guess you could call it emotional rationalization - unable to set & maintain reaonsable limits because of the fear of harming the child's psyche when he has to be told NO. All the time I see parents who use the counting technique (Okay, I'm going to count to 3 and when I get to 3 you'd better have stopped that...) while the child is running around like a maniac with no discipline & consequences to his actions. I totally agree that children have to learn that disappointment, rejection, and not always getting every single thing they want is in fact a life standard. I'm not saying do it cruelly. I also agree with explaining things to a child in a way they can comprehend instead of just saying "no" and "because I say so". Communication, like in all relationships, is the huge factor that is missing in so many relationships between parents and children. Again, there has to be a balance between discipline, consequential 'punishment' (I have NEVER agreed with spanking as a means of punishment, children are not dogs), and communication. But that's just my opinion, and I talk way too much.
Hazel at 10:42AM on Nov 30th 2007
6. One sunny afternoon in Los Angeles - I lifted my two-year old son from his carseat and sat him on the seat in the car while I retrieved our shopping bags. He squirmed out, jumped to the ground, I yelled "Don't walk! Stay there!" and got some raised eyebrows and disapproving looks. How bad is it now that yelling at your two-year old in public is considered bad social manners? And oh my goodness - I slapped the back of his hand the first time he walked away from the car towards a busy street just a month before that! Luckily there was no one nearby except for my husband - otherwise today's weak-minded, corporal punishment is evil, use kid's glove society would probably have arrested me for keeping my son out of harm! lol
Yes, sadly many of today's kids are embarrassingly willful, spoiled, and uncontrollable because of parents afraid to say no or publicly discipline their children.
For poster #2, Al, is it possible for your daughter to move in with you for a school year or two? If she's only going back and forth and knows Mom's buttons, nothing much will change unless the Mom changes too. I hope things work out eventually for you. Teenage girls are definitely a challenge!
Bev1725 at 10:41AM on Nov 30th 2007
7. My husband and I are both in education and also have a 14 year old daughter. It is almost seen as a crime by some of the other parents at my daughter's school to tell her NO. My husband teaches at the same school, and there are parents doing their kids' homework because they don't want their kids to fail, or complaining because the classes are "too hard." This is the reason so many other countries are gaining ground on the US....if it isn't easy many people don't want to even try to do it.
Terri at 10:51AM on Nov 30th 2007
8. I do believe that my seven year old son is spoiled. However, being reared by a very dominating woman caused me not to be as strict as my mother. Sometimes I will spank, but most of the time I give him stern warnings and I don't allow him to do the things he enjoys.
Danielleaka1 at 10:53AM on Nov 30th 2007
9. After 20 years in pediatric nursing, I had to leave it because of the parents. They aren't happy, because their children aren't happy, as if children are happy when they are sick. If their child is upset they want you to give him/her something to make them sleep.
Melissa D at 11:23AM on Nov 30th 2007
10. Al,
Obviously it is hard to say based on just the short post! But i wonder if maybe you could help your daughter by focusing on different things. Let the lip-ring go - she's a 16 year-old expressing herself and testing out new identities and honestly, making her take it out won't do anything except create more distance between you. Emphasize to her that it is behavior that matters and behavior that you will judge her by...if she can be respectful to people and work in school and behave responsibly, you'll turn a blind eye to the stuff like lip-rings. If she can't do those things, then let her see the consequences....don't bail her out, don't give her money or an allowance, don't take her for special treats..she is old enough to start being an adult and making her own choices and living with them. You can't control how her mom parents, but you can make her time with YOU have clear expectations. It might sound dumb, but perhaps you could spend some of your time together doing volunteer work, at an animal shelter or senior center...somewhere where she can see that if she is responsible and kind, it directly affects other living creatures.
jennie at 11:25AM on Nov 30th 2007
11. My wife the preschool teacher in Michigan tells me that most young parents are still doing a fairly good job of keeping their children in check and respectful of others. She says that there is a small percentage of parents that take any correction of their children as being a personal attack or insult on them. Those parents put their boxing gloves on and defend their "little flawless darling" as if they were hired defense lawyers for the child. Image is more importaint than parenting to them.
Carl at 11:57AM on Nov 30th 2007
12. In response to Al's post:
I never leave comments but was compelled to comment to Al because I feel my experience may shed some light.
In that short post I found myself thinking back to when I was that age and how my parents handled me. I acted out, got piercings, dyed my hair and hated school and wanted to drop out. My mom (who i lived with) found the perfect way to deal with all these things while my father (who I didn't live with and reacted quite like you see to be) constantly attempted to resort to punishment. My mom, though, didn't see the point in grounding me for experiementing with my identity, I was allowed to dye my hair pink, pierce my eyebrow and later my tongue and nose, wear whatever clothes I wanted but did find it necessary and important to ground me when I came home late, acted out, didn't listen to her, and many other behavioral issues.
To make a long story short, today at 27 I am what I believe to be a well rounded individual. I still have pink hair, piercings, tattoos, dress basically the same though more age appropriate but I am a good person, caring, considerate, very family oriented, a college graduate planning on going back for more and someone my parents are very proud to call their daughter. I now and have been a nanny for the same child for 5 years and pass on what I've learned from my parents to him and though he's a part of the 'everyone wins' school of parenting, I make it a point to show him that isn't the case by using the word 'no' when I see fit. And I think he respects me for that as well as looks up to me.
So I feel that playing with your look is a stage teenagers go through and it doesn't matter what's on the outside as long as they become someone you can be proud of and would call a friend.
I hope that helps! Best of luck.
Lisa at 12:27PM on Nov 30th 2007
13. The idea of not saying "NO" is not a new way to raise your kids, it is just easier or so parents think. I have seen so many parents tell their children if you do not stop that you get a time out or a spanking and never follow through, it is difficult for me not to speak up and either tell the child "Did you hear your Mom/Dad?" or to tell the parent "Are you going to go do what you threatened?". What parents don't seem to understand if you put the love, energy and attention into your child when they are young no matter how tired you are you reap the benefits when your children are older and going through those terrible teens as well as stability in their lives as they grow to adults. I raise 3 boys on my own although we divorced almost 11 years ago their father was not around when they were growing up and they all turned out well. Also, if you look into a child's eyes when they are acting up you can see that they are looking for something from their parents, BOUNDRIES AND ATTENTION, but I guess if your not paying attention to your kids you will never know why they are acting up.
Brenda at 12:31PM on Nov 30th 2007
14. It seems a lot of parents are more interested in being pals rather than parents. Seems so many parents are too immature to recognize the difference. I hear a lot of complaints from parents who say their own were too strict, and they don't want to be like that. In the meantime, their kids are unbelievably annoyingly obnoxious and disruptive in public places. Remember, NO ONE else thinks your kid is as cute as you do, NO ONE!! I have an 11 year old daughter who was taken out in public from birth. If she began crying or fussing (as a baby) I took her somewhere quiet...a restroom or our car, until she was okay (usually a good reason for crying with babies). As she got older, she learned what was acceptable and what was not. She knew at nine months if she was doing something wrong. That's another one I hate..."they're too young to understand!" COP OUT!!! Kids need boundaries. Self-centered parents are unaware of this.
L2 at 1:07PM on Nov 30th 2007
15. Al I feel your pain, but all is not lost. I have 2 daughters who are now 23 and 26. I was divorced from their mother almost 20 years ago, but until their late teens, they spent nearly all of my days off from work with me. Their mother is a screaming meemie maniac, and since the days of paying child support are over, I don't have to talk to her anymore. It is natural for a 16 year old to fight with her mother, I think usually beause the mothers start to see themselves in their daughters. Mine had tongue piercings, belly button piercings,eyebrow piercings, tattoos,the whole gamut. Naturally, I was consulted before any of this took place because they all knew what my response would be. When I found out, I expressed my disapproval, but I also expressed that it made no difference in my love and caring for them. When they were younger, I used to take them on day trips we called expeditions. The word no was very common in both households, but it was often unspoken, because from a very early age their mother and I agreed on clear expectations such as being polite, having manners, etc. My Mother raised myself and my 3 brothers by herself, and we put her through some trying days. But one strict rule was respect for others, especially women. We were all abused by my father, and my mother didn't wwant us to follow suit. When we were in public, she would walk up to the doors of whatever place we were going, and she would stop and cross her arms and wait for one of us to open the door for her. She said I have 4 young men with me, and their is no reason you can't open the door like a gentleman. The point of this ramble is thai I tried to instill some sense of self respect in my daughters by doing such things as opening doors for them. I tried to get them to expect gentlemanly behavior from the males they would inevitably meet, because as young ladies, they deserve it, and if they weren't treated well, then they had an idea of the boys' attitude towards such things. My daughters are now beautiful, successful, young adults working their own ways to the lives they want. My younger girl is with the handsomest most polite and respectful guy I could ever hope for. My older girl and her stepsister just returned from a weeks "expedition to London and Amsterdam. Don't get me wrong though, we all had issues and problems to deal with,among mine being alcoholism, and severe major depression. I am living proof however that men who were abused as boys can break a cycle of violence and successfully raise happy children. Stay in close contact with your daughter, pay your child support, and select the battles you fight carefully. By the way, neither of my daughters wear piercings any more, the were just a childish fad that has passed away. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
david michael at 1:10PM on Nov 30th 2007