We just ran a story on Babble.com that tackles what for Generation X has become a taboo subject: discipline. Kathryn J. Alexander's "The War on No: Is 'child-centered' parenting producing a generation of brats?" says that the emphasis in recent years on making children feel secure has had an unfortunate consequence: kids who have never heard the word "no," and so who are unprepared for the real, "no"-filled world.
She writes:
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
We asked Babble readers if they thought kids today were being spoiled; an amazing 89% said yes.
Do you agree? How do you / did you / would you handle your own kids? We touched on this some last week when the Times reviewed the hardcore early Sesame Street and compared it to the much softer fare serve up to today's kids. And this anti-discipline trend seems to go hand-in-hand with the everyone-wins entertainment.
On the playground, we often see parents explaining in great detail to a two-year-old why he can't run out into traffic while the kid stands there blinking in confusion. Personally, we're very adamant about saying no when it's called for, enforcing a bedtime, sending thank-you notes and all those traditional strict-parent things.
And yet, whenever we brag about how well-behaved our son is, we bring down some kind of cosmic jinx on the house and the next day he's all trying to chase the cats and throw baseballs through the window. So for the cats' sake, we won't say we have it all figured out, but we will say we're whole-heartedly committed to raising a good citizen.
Given the attachment-parenting thrust of the current generation and the emphasis on self-esteem and creativity rather than fairness and maturity, sometimes it seems that creating responsible, capable adults isn't currently all parents' first priority.
Here's that article link again. Tell us what you think in comments!
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 6)
46. Another problem is that relatives of Gen-X children go nuts with the gifts. My son's friends have virtually every toy known to man
Our son is the only grandchild on both sides, but we have told our parents that rather than spend lavishly on toys that he will outgrow, give money. We put it directly into the college fund.
Just to even make our son more well-grounded, we have given up some of my old toys, such as my tricycle, an I-H ride-on tractor, and my Matchbox cars. The cars were made in England, and the pedal toys are heavy steel and made in the U.S, so my son will understand that the West used to make good, sturdy manufactured goods.
Kent at 11:55AM on Dec 1st 2007
47. Before I chime in lets be clear, if you have to hit your child you shouldn't be a parent. Discipline is different from brutalizing. Discipline teaches a person to have their own discipline and brutality creates Brutes. Understanding that in all life there are exceptions I have found, raising 3 sons, that these principles work.
1. Treat your children like people not pets. At each stage of development children can understand and respond if you communicate at their level.
2. Consistancy, if you make a rule or a decision stick to it. If after carrying it out you find you were wrong tell your children you were wrong and why. Teach them that People make mistakes but telling the truth and correcting it is what makes society work.
3. Respect your children and they will respect you, no one respects a Bully they only fear them.
Mark at 2:00PM on Dec 1st 2007
48. Dear Ms. Calhoun,
As you appear to be someone who is obviously concerned and aware of our children's future, I feel it is imperative you
attend the following event:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=z64uofOVUro
You may raise all the questions that no other candidate running for office will answer.
Thank you for your condsideration.
JG
John Giza at 2:32PM on Dec 1st 2007
49. We don't spank or hit or "pop" or slap or punch or kick our children. However they're VERY well behaved in public and helpful too. Our 2yr old helps load the groceries into the cart and sits quietly, and helps bring the groceries inside. Now at home...he goes nuts and lets loose. That's when we resort to discipline which consists of time outs. That gets our point across because for a kid who craves our attention the worst punishment is to be denied attention! We get compliments on how good he is all the time. I think all kids are different and what works for one may not work for all the others.
That said you better believe we have some strict limits for things and we stick to it. I disagree with the "ALL CHILDREN NEED SPANKED" mentality, but I also disagree with the "don't ever say no" mentality because kids need guidance and they need us to show them the way, to lead by example and set a good example.
PS I was raised by parents who spanked me a LOT, my hubby's parents never spanked him. He and his 3 sisters are very successful, happy people. My sister and I are too but harbor some resentment towards our parents. So you can't please everyone, just gotta do your best for your family.
kat at 3:06PM on Dec 1st 2007
50. I am the proud mother of a 5 year old boy and 3 year old girl. My son recently had some trouble in school. He got suspended for hitting his teacher. In Kindergarten! I didn't realize how lax I was being. I was the "love him til his good" kind of mom. I learned real quick that that is not how to teach a child to respect adults. We ultimately ended up( through tears screams and very hard days) stripping his entire life of all privledges. All his toys, all of his superman bedding,(he was given plain white sheets) bedtime was right after dinner, no time with friends, I mean everything!! All of it had to be earned through good behavior. I am proud to say that he has earned back a bunch of his toys. Given one at a time with 2 days of good behavior for each toy. He is doing excellent in school, and is very respectful. We are being too easy on children and they are not learning how the world will treat them. Our jobs as parents is turn our children into adults who can be successful in the real world. Our job is not to meet all of their desires. They need to learn how the world will treat them. I'm sorry my parents didn't do that for me. I had to learn through the raising of my own children.
Diakm28 at 3:21PM on Dec 4th 2007
51. I am an aide for a class of special needs 6th graders at a public middle school in the midwest. My students have all been labeled "emotionally disturbed". Though these students are supposed to be the "problem" children and can certainly be difficult to deal with, by and large I have found them to be more polite, cooperative, obedient and respectful than their "normal" peers. As an aide I frequently support my students in the regular classroom and am astonished by the level of sarcasm, disrespect, arguing and backtalk their fellow students give to their teachers and other adults in the school. I am about twice as old as most of them and though it's easy for any of us to look at our own generation and say how much better we were, i cannot imagine any of my teachers putting up with such behavior and I know my parents certainly would not have. Unlike many posters here, my parent's were not strict by any stretch. But the one hard and fast rule in our house was that you did not, under any circumstances, disrespect an adult. If my observations are correct, then I cannot say the same about the houselholds of many of the students I come into contact with.
Aimee at 4:19PM on Dec 3rd 2007
52. as a nursery school teacher i've learned that children need discipline and crave it. one should be firm, consistent, and always follow through. then a hug or "i love you" is a good culmination.
susan gold at 8:15PM on Dec 1st 2007
53. I work at a crazily busy themed restaurant, and pseudo-parents (nobody can really call them 'parents') will let their spawn run buck-wild anywhere, but will blame the staff if the poor little angels so much as bump their heads. One pseudo-mom let her kid sprawl out PRONE, in the aisle, while she herself chatted away oblivious to her friend...I had to tell the little girl "Please get back up, nobody wants to trample you" and the 'Mother' scowled at ME and said "Don't roll your eyes!" (Alright, fine, let me roll your SKULL out of my restaurant before you sue US for having someone step on your kid.)
I daresay only LICENSED adults should breed nowadays...40% of Generation X wouldn't be able to pass the Exam if there was one...
K.K. at 8:56PM on Dec 1st 2007
54. For poster #2, I AM that girl and now I am 24. Teenage girls are hard to deal with, but your daughter will later respect and love you more if you step in and try to deal with her.
At that age, you are young and think your parents just want to control you just for power. They are scared of you and the age that you are, and it's obvious to kids like you daughter.
For heavens sake though, don't give up on her! I guarantee she'll grow out of this if you just have some patience. I tested my parents too, and they thought I was too much at the time.
However, I did "HEAR" all the good advice and parenting they gave me and when it came to making tough decisions I remembered what they said and that they cared.
She might be acting out more around your ex-wife, but it's important to still be a 'parent' with her.
Do what you can to stick to the rules and make her agree to follow those at your house even if you can't guarantee it at you exs. She needs more of you in her life, but definitely don't give up and think she is SO uncontrollable. You'll be surprised in about 5 years how different and more mature she might be. Like they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Leigh at 10:03PM on Dec 1st 2007
55. Yes, they are all spoiled brats. My grand-daughers second-grade teacher told the class, "You are all spoiled rotten". She told the truth.
Bob at 11:50PM on Dec 1st 2007
56. I am a 37 year old mother of three. And I still spank. I just sent an email to my two representatives over the idiotic nurse in Massachusetts who's trying to make it illegal to spank a child under 18. What everyone needs to be doing is researching the lack of discipline and the rise of juvenile delinquency and making sure their state does not follow in the footsteps of this assanine individual.
Kids DO NOT need the best of everything. If they are given the best, for what in the world are they going to work? For that matter, why should they even try to work for anything? All they need to do is either go to mommy or daddy, or just steal it.
Too many parents go into hock just so they can send their child(ren)to college. How many kids appreciate that? How many flunk out the first year by partying and drinking and they are given the ok by their parents because it's their "passage of right into adulthood"?
IT all started with the 60's generation and their rebellion against the "system" and their parents. That idiotic dr spock, with his no spanking theory, started a downhill spiral that has left this generation at the bottom. Too many people my age had rather give in to their brats than to be parents - just like the guy earlier said - because it's easier to give in than stand firm. The daughter is the one who will pay for it in the long run.
All three of my kids knew what the word "no" meant by the time they were 1 year old. Soon after they began crawling, I began spatting their hands.
I have three kids who earn A's and B's in school and two of them have even earned paddlings in school because they couldn't behave. I know how my kids are and that's exactly why I have always given the schools my expressed permission to "light them up" when they misbehave.
If more parents realised their "little angels" were more like "little demons", and would grow some back bone to stand up to them, maybe we'd have some better kids. Too many parents will not hold their child responsible. It's ALWAYS the other kid's fault.
Sharon at 12:27AM on Dec 2nd 2007
57. what's wrong with kids, what's wrong with kids, are kids too spoinled? hey the little swaps of out of control dna are perfect little mirrors of their so-called legal guardians (biological parents are probably long gone). they're spoiled and selfish and no one wants to set restraints because that's how the legal guardian lives. don't tell me what to do! don't put your laws on me! it ain't my fault! that test was written by a white person, males are evil, i'm an athiest so i get to rewrite history, my great-great-great-great-....-great auntie was a slave so... if my ancestors would have lived here they would have been discriminated against, i should have aborted you, i was a jock and school and had to take adhd meds, have you seen the price of a good latte?
you freaking selfish pricks! wait until your little jerks grow up and put you outta your misery! here daddy/mommy/transgender/homo, drink the koolaid! lower your carbon footprint for ME, ME, ME!
oh yeah! they're us - they're just better at being us then we are!
mark at 1:42AM on Dec 2nd 2007
58. Theres a difference between dominating a child and disciplining a child. I know very, very few children today who are receiving the guidance and discipline they need and deserve. You are doing no one any favors when you threaten a child and do not follow up. If you tell your child to stop a certain behavior, make them stop right that second. Repeated countings of "1-2-3" and threats of time outs without any follow up serve to notify the child that you do not mean business. My parents were more strict than most -- I had a bedtime curfew of 9pm until I was 18 years old. I thank them for all the rules they imposed on me as a child because now as I am a happy, decent and productive member of society.
BunnyNutz at 2:21AM on Dec 2nd 2007
59. I'm an ECE... I learned in school that 'no' is a negative term and should be avoided at all times. I've heard the same thing from parents that learned how to parent from 'parenting' books. Unfortunately, those parents seem to read that as a "let them do what they want, be who they are" thing, when in fact it means setting rules without actually using the word 'no.' Ex: use inside voices, walking feet, be gentle with your friends, hands are for helping, etc. I think the problem is not so much in setting limits and saying no as it is following through with consequences. Kids are often threatened with punishment for bad behavior or told that it's inappropriate, but nothing is done about it.
dan at 2:56AM on Dec 2nd 2007
60. Television is raising Gen X. The parents are not in charge and the government is trying to take the kids and abandon the family.
Cecil Jones at 4:25AM on Dec 2nd 2007