We just ran a story on Babble.com that tackles what for Generation X has become a taboo subject: discipline. Kathryn J. Alexander's "The War on No: Is 'child-centered' parenting producing a generation of brats?" says that the emphasis in recent years on making children feel secure has had an unfortunate consequence: kids who have never heard the word "no," and so who are unprepared for the real, "no"-filled world.
She writes:
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
We asked Babble readers if they thought kids today were being spoiled; an amazing 89% said yes.
Do you agree? How do you / did you / would you handle your own kids? We touched on this some last week when the Times reviewed the hardcore early Sesame Street and compared it to the much softer fare serve up to today's kids. And this anti-discipline trend seems to go hand-in-hand with the everyone-wins entertainment.
On the playground, we often see parents explaining in great detail to a two-year-old why he can't run out into traffic while the kid stands there blinking in confusion. Personally, we're very adamant about saying no when it's called for, enforcing a bedtime, sending thank-you notes and all those traditional strict-parent things.
And yet, whenever we brag about how well-behaved our son is, we bring down some kind of cosmic jinx on the house and the next day he's all trying to chase the cats and throw baseballs through the window. So for the cats' sake, we won't say we have it all figured out, but we will say we're whole-heartedly committed to raising a good citizen.
Given the attachment-parenting thrust of the current generation and the emphasis on self-esteem and creativity rather than fairness and maturity, sometimes it seems that creating responsible, capable adults isn't currently all parents' first priority.
Here's that article link again. Tell us what you think in comments!
Reader Comments ( Page 5 of 6)
61. I'm a baby boomer with kids still at home (started motherhood late). So now my adopted 9 year old seems to ACT UP right when menopause or a sinus headache is already kicking me around.
To AL - HANG IN THERE! Your child may "hit rock bottom" but maybe you and your ex's new husband can confer on some standards.
You have to have FAITH on two levels - That your FAITHFULNESS to your child will someday pay off and
maybe you can find a quality church to attend where they have a good divorce support group.
Even if your daughter crashes a bit, YOU are the BEST THING IN HER LIFE and someday...she will thank you.
Disperse the postmodern FOG at 7:53AM on Dec 2nd 2007
62. I am raising my 13 yo daughter and 15 yo son, primarily on my own. Have been for over 2 years. Jason, I think that it is difficult when children do not listen to things such as piercings. This is my experience. 3 years ago, my son, who always kept his beautiful curly hair cut in a cute flat top decided that he did not want haircuts anymore. Over the past two I could get trimmings one or two times a year. This year he blatantly refuses. I guess I pick my battles. His hair looks like a 70's throw back, fluffy, afro. He thinks it is cool, and he claims his friends do too. I have to admit at times when we go places it is kind of embarrising. However, my son is on honor roll, reads constantly, has intelligent conversations about the world around him, loves school, hangs out at home with a few friends who I enjoy as well, plays 2 different saxaphones. He is what I consider respectful, gives me no problems, laughs about his hair, and helps me when I ask, and often without being asked. So, I guess, the question is, is your daughter failing school, skipping classes, doing drugs, having illicite sex, anything really life-threatening? Is she funny, respectful, etc? If so, maybe the lip piercing is just like my son's blonde hair do, something that is an identity thing and perhaps they will outgrow. Just my thoughts, thanks and good luck
mjohnston at 5:51PM on Dec 6th 2007
63. I am not in favor of corporal punishment per say, however when my children were young, I would swat their hands and tell them No! if they were doing somethning dangerous like trying to get to an electrical switch , I have spanked them for trying to run into the street, or unbuckling themselves and getting out of their carseats. My children are now 23,21,and 18. The older two are married have college degrees and are statting their own families. The youngest is a freshman in college. We had curfews when they got older, they claimed none of their friends did,we had to know all their friends and no one just came and honked the car for them to go out, we told our daughters they are not dogs, their date or friend could come up to the door. We had our downstairs filled with games, so our place was a fun place to hang out. All the kids knew there were soft drinks and snacks , and where to get them. We ate our meals together at the table and friends were always invited to eat with us. Yes, we were called mean parents because of our curfew, and the no honking rule and we must know the people you hang around with. But, our children have turned out fine and our answer to "but all the other kids get to and alot are younger than us, is I am sorry thier parents must not love them as much as we love you".
Waneta
Waneta at 10:38AM on Dec 3rd 2007
64. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to leave my seat in a restaurant unless it was to go to the bathroom. I was expected to return promptly and retake my seat. If I got too loud, I was reprimanded for it, and if I continued speaking too loudly, I got taken to the car. I wasn't given a bunch of toys, crayons, or gadgets to keep me entertained in public. I was expected to participate in the conversation around me without dominating it.
In other words, my parents taught me how to behave in public, and they were consistent about it. It bugs the daylights out of me to see the way most kids behave in restaurants and other public places these days. They're allowed to run around and knock into people, scream and yell, play loud hand-held video games, throw food, and be rude to strangers.
I would be utterly appalled to have a child acting that way anywhere, much less in public. My husband and I made the decision not to have kids. Just about every kid I see every day makes me glad we made that decision. If we did have one, we'd be considered "mean" parents, and I wouldn't want my child associating with these hellions.
Funny, but "everyone wins" parenting looks a lot more like "everyone loses" from my perspective.
Kris at 11:11AM on Dec 2nd 2007
65. kids today are horrid! I am an inclusion teacher and work in many classrooms, and with a few exceptions, the majority of the kids are so spoiled and self centered- they have no clue there is anyone in the world but themselves. it is so much worse this school year than in years past. and if the teachers try to reign in the kid, the parents come yelling saying the teacher is being mean to their child! I weep for the future!
sz at 11:26AM on Dec 2nd 2007
66. To me, this is just where society is right now. And it ANNOYS the HELL out of me. When I was young (a whopping 15 years ago - I am now 25 with 4 children of my own) every game had a winner and a loser; playing tag was FUN; dodgeball was never seen as hurtful; people weren't offended when I got reprimanded for poor behavior in public. When are we going to realize that our children will never learn things like ambition or self-motivation? My son plays little league baseball. By this I mean TODAY'S little league baseball: no one is EVER out, you are pitched to until you hit the ball, and everyone on the team gets to hit and stand in the field every inning. No surprise then, that every game ends in a tie, and my son just looks at me with that look of "huh?" when we watch Major League (or even 13-year-olds) games and I try to explain what a "strike-out" or "pick-off" is. To me, this "wussification" of our children leaves them totally unprepared for the future. With no concept of winning or losing, there is no sense of competition, and competition is everywhere: college admissions, professional atheletes, the JOB MARKET! So what if you lose? TRY HARDER, PRACTICE, IMPROVE...these are the things I was tought. Where did these lessons go? They slowly went the way of the buffalo....long gone, but no one really notices until it's too late.
jharrison531 at 12:36PM on Dec 2nd 2007
67. I too am floored at the lack of discipline and respect that the young children of today have failed to receive from their parents. I have two children, ages 27 & 23. They thank me for raising them in a strict, well disciplined, respectful home. At the time they did not like it, but I am very proud to say that both my kids, boy and girl, are not only a bit spoiled, but more importantly, I know that they will fair well in today's world because they know and have dealt with with word NO, as well as REJECTION, LOSING, HUMILIATION, DISAPOINTMENT, ETC! Today kids EXPECT to play on the team, they know they won't get spankings, etc! We, as adults need to take back the old school way of raising kids and teach them discipline, respect, and manners and maybe...just maybe they'll get that new toy on a special occasion and not just because!!!
Cindy at 1:12PM on Dec 2nd 2007
68. I am the father of a 12 year old girl. Her mom and I divorced when she was 8 years old. We had joint custody for one year before she lived with me the next year. Then I got a job in Chicago and had to move from Michigan. Her mother would not let me take her to Chicago away from family and friends which was reasonable since I was moving alone. 2 years later my daughter was doing terrible in school (living w/ me she was an a/b student)dealing with depression (cutting) and I was finally able to get my daughter back. By this time I met a wonderful woman and am engaged. She and my daughter get along great and my daughter has structure and knows the rules. I am very strict when I have to be, but at the same time, she knows she can talk to us. A change of environment and rules in place when she got here, lots of love and attention have also worked wonders for her.
Best wishes for any dad's and mom's dealing with these challenges.
Rich at 1:13PM on Dec 2nd 2007
69. Dear Ms. Ada,
I would like you to consider supporting
Hank Kimball for President in 2008.
I would also beg your indulgence to attend
the Virtual Independent Candidate Debates on
Mo Rocca 180 on the evening of December 15th, 2007.
Laughs aside,
Realistic Family Values are at stake and you
appear to be someone who can eloquently present
those issues to a broad audience.
Your Friend,
John
John Giza at 3:18PM on Dec 2nd 2007
70. going way back to mouth piercing: mouth piercings can cause fatal fungal infections around the valves of the heart, they are really dangerous. Hair cuts and styles can come and go, tatooes- I don't think so, not unless I see the hygeine, hepatitis C isn't a great disease, dress - whatever. It's always good to have an MD or RN in the house to explain just plain dumb stuff to your kids (like smoking, drugs, ETOH, and unprotected sex)in a straight forward no nonsense way when they are really young (like 9 or 10, then keep adding to the stories), and if their friends want "in" on the convo, let 'em join right in - the more the merrier! Good info is always better than what they're guessing! Bad behavior, no way! Take stuff away: "screen" stuff, cell phones, car keys, computers (internet), lock them OUT OF THEIR ROOMS, have them LOOSE their privacy (heh, they HATE that)
nelle grubsnig at 4:57PM on Dec 2nd 2007
71. I personally think that the lack of discipline in today's children is a HUGE problem. I see so many children that have absolutely no boundaries. I work in the service industry and can tell that many children absolutely never hear the word no. I worked in a fine dining restaurant in a tourist environment and I am frequently flabbergasted by the way parents allow their children to control the entire evening. It's amazing how the majority of parents just give their kids what they want rather than putting their foot down and facing a confrontation. Parents need to step up and remind their children just who's in charge!
jmf at 5:35PM on Dec 2nd 2007
72. oh Jennie, please tell me that you are not saying let a 16 year old keep a lip ring, after she was told no. Lip rings are nasty to begin with but for a kid who was told no should most certainly not be allowed to keep it!!!!!!!!! I have 3 teen age daughters and my goodness it can be trying at times but, Explainations not necessary, no means no.
My children are all very well mannered and get good grades and guess what, they got spanked when they needed it and yelled at, and grounded when they needed it. I can't for the life of me figure out why it is so hard for parents to tell their kids no, or to bust their asses when they need it.
Lisa Jones at 7:21PM on Dec 2nd 2007
73. Al, Even though you may not appreciate what the mom is doing, you used to be a team of sorts. Likely, when you were together, where she was more lenient, you were more of a disciplinarian and it balanced out. Since the "team" is gone, now your daughter is being exposed to two extremes. This is an unfortunate byproduct of separations and divorces and hopefully ex's will realize this and learn to work together on the discipline instead of just calling in the troupes when there is a problem.
rikabear22 at 9:03PM on Dec 2nd 2007
74. Wow, where do I start? I am a teacher of grades 7 and 8. I have to agree with Terri and L2. My students have never been made to accept the consequences of the poor choices they make. I find parents all too willing to never let a child experience the consequences of his/her actions. I have one mother who recently complained to me at conferences that she "had to" deliver forgotten gym clothes or lunches weekly. When I suggtested she not do it and let the natural consequences kick in, you would have thought I was supporting torture of her kid! Parents, unfortunately, we cannot cushion all of their falls. Let the little failures and disappointments take place so they can someday handle life's big problems!
Karen at 9:09PM on Dec 2nd 2007
75. Hazel..you do NOT spank dogs. A child at least has the POSSIBILITY to understand WHY they may be receiving physical punishment, an animal doesn't possess the brain capacity to make the connection. Nevermind that it's cruel. There are non-violent ways to change a pet's behavior, that does NOT involved spanking them. Things you would NOT EVER do to a child. If the puppy poops on the floor, you tell them 'No' in a forceful manner, then for emphasis you put their noses in it. Cycle and repeat until they understand. 'Spare the rod, spoil the child.' Sometimes a smack on the hand or across the bottom is needed for a child. It re-focus' the childs attention back to you in a way a time out or 'No, please don't do that.' will not. It also shows them there are direct consequences to their actions. The choice of punishment has to be appropriate to the 'crime'. Sometimes 'No' IS enough. And sometimes, it just isn't. A good parent knows the difference.
Wes at 12:34AM on Dec 3rd 2007