We just ran a story on Babble.com that tackles what for Generation X has become a taboo subject: discipline. Kathryn J. Alexander's "The War on No: Is 'child-centered' parenting producing a generation of brats?" says that the emphasis in recent years on making children feel secure has had an unfortunate consequence: kids who have never heard the word "no," and so who are unprepared for the real, "no"-filled world.
She writes:
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
We asked Babble readers if they thought kids today were being spoiled; an amazing 89% said yes.
Do you agree? How do you / did you / would you handle your own kids? We touched on this some last week when the Times reviewed the hardcore early Sesame Street and compared it to the much softer fare serve up to today's kids. And this anti-discipline trend seems to go hand-in-hand with the everyone-wins entertainment.
On the playground, we often see parents explaining in great detail to a two-year-old why he can't run out into traffic while the kid stands there blinking in confusion. Personally, we're very adamant about saying no when it's called for, enforcing a bedtime, sending thank-you notes and all those traditional strict-parent things.
And yet, whenever we brag about how well-behaved our son is, we bring down some kind of cosmic jinx on the house and the next day he's all trying to chase the cats and throw baseballs through the window. So for the cats' sake, we won't say we have it all figured out, but we will say we're whole-heartedly committed to raising a good citizen.
Given the attachment-parenting thrust of the current generation and the emphasis on self-esteem and creativity rather than fairness and maturity, sometimes it seems that creating responsible, capable adults isn't currently all parents' first priority.
Here's that article link again. Tell us what you think in comments!
Reader Comments ( Page 6 of 6)
76. Whoever says parenting is esy is doing something WRONG!!! It takes work and love and the ability to watch your child fail sometimes. Kids need to learn that there is adversity in the world and that not everyone is going to give into their ever demand.
reagan at 1:16AM on Dec 3rd 2007
77. After pouring over the vast majority of comments posted on this site I have come to the conclusion that absolutely no one has mentioned the causes that have led to this catastrophic child rearing nightmare that this new millenium has become.
As network programming continues to air both animated and situation comedies featuring "child" charachters who disrespect their "fictional" parents for the sake of a good laugh, children accept this behaviour as normal. They are both encouraged, and convinced by the media that this behaviour is "funny". Parents today spend far less time with their children than in generations past and this leaves the television as their friends, as opposed to their parents.How many parents have put a movie or cartoon on for their kids so they will not be forced to hear " I'm bored, There is nothing to do"? When I was growing up,( I was a teenager in the late 80's )we still used our "imagination". We invented games to play as opposed to spending 6 hours nightly playing x-box.Children do not realize how good things truly are for their generation and rarely appreciate anything anymore. They seem to feel the "world owes them something" and they want their payment at the age of 9. At some point it became politically incorrect for parents to instill discipline in their children and now,most parents are afraid to spank "little Johnny's" behind for fear of being arrested. This situation has created a generation of children whe have no consequences for their actions.Society blames video games for the violence in the world instead of the lack of responsibilities for a childs actions. We all reside in the "age of exscuses"where serial killers are murderers because their "mommies"did not give them attention they deserved when they were children, hence they grow up to commit heinous acts like those of Colombine, because those poor kids were not popular and no one saw the signs! I was never popular in High School either and I never once found myself on a murderous rampage with my fathers guns. So much emphasis has been placed on being in the" popular crowd" that weak minded individuals such as the ballgame father who attacked someones child during the game, have become prevalent. Are these the types of examples we are setting for our children? Are the children truly to blame, or are we,for allowing the world to become the way that it is?For allowing other people to tell us how to discipline our children,For the children to learn disrespect from the parents because they themselves have become so self-absorbed and selfish following their pursuit of the "American Dream" and monetary status that we have totally disregarded the fact that the children have learned from us.Being "politically correct" can be a great thing when the execution of the term itself does not lead to the basic infringement of the rights of others and the miseducation of our children who undoubtedly are the generation to run this great country in the future.
Dave at 1:48AM on Dec 3rd 2007
78. YES YES YES!!! Generation Xers (of which I am one) are spoiling there children to the detriment of us all. But I go back a little further. I believe it begins with the baby boomers. I work for the biggest drugstore chain in the country. Everyday I see it in the stores I work in. Parents who refuse to say no or have completely lost the battle with their kids. When I was a child I heard no so many times I thought it was the only word parents knew. My parents raised 4 kids. My father worked 2 jobs for the better part of twenty years. Money was tight, but we always had what was needed, with very few extras. Todays parents are so afraid of little "johnny" or little "sally" being told no it makes me sick. Parents standing in line overnight for the better part of 12 hours just so they can give their kid some stupid video game that will be unappreciated in just a week. Grade school children with cell phones. Kids with their own phones, computers, and tvs in their rooms. I didn't have these things growing up and got along fine. By spoiling your kid you are failing them in the worst way. LIFE ISN'T FAIR IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT. Its better to learn this as a child then as an adult working for some fortune 500 company. Maybe thats why their is so much corporate failure and corruption. People today are taught at an early age that they should get everything in life no matter what it takes. You see it on tv, the computer and papers......"my kids are going to have it better then I did". Think about it, does Johnny truly need the cell phone?
Mark at 4:29AM on Dec 3rd 2007
79. Watch any program involving animals rearing their young and you will see the parents disciplining their young when they get too rambunctious. Should humans be any different? There is a big difference between a "NO" followed by a smack on the butt if the no doesn't work, and unrestrained beating. Those who frown on telling a child no or who would call the thought police if a smack on the hand is administered should be forced to sit on a cross-country airplane flight next to a tantrum-throwing child.
ivote2 at 7:30AM on Dec 3rd 2007
80. Whats the problem with a lip ring?
bertslater at 9:15AM on Dec 3rd 2007
81. I see two reasons of why this has become a problem...
First of all, corporal punishment is not viewed as an acceptable form of discipline these days. When my parents were in trouble, they got the belt as kids. I got an occasional hand spanking. My younger brother, 6 years younger than me, had the harsh punishments of time out and getting spoken to.
I'm not suggesting that parents return to using the belt as a punitive method. That's just a little too extreme. But a spanking is not a form child abuse, just as long as it done appropriately.
The other reason why this is a problem is that for the first time in the history of western civilization, the vast majority of mothers have full-time careers. I'm not saying that they aren't entitled to having full-time careers, but I feel that they feel bad because they are not able to be there to raise their children 24/7... so they try and make up for it by spoiling them.
I'm so pessimistic about my generation (Gen Y) and the ones that follow.
The first documented youth revolt of Generation Y was when Facebook.com implemented their News Feed feature, which made it possible for people to monitor their friends activities on the website. Privacy concerns caused hundreds of thousands to protest facebook, threatening to leave the website if they didn't change it. Facebook caved.
See, the greatest generation stood up and fought against fascism, the silent generation stood up against McCarthyism, and the baby boomers protested Vietnam. My generation stood up against the unpopular changes to a Mark Zuckerburg's social networking site. Good job, Gen Y. You have clearly proven to the world that while the War in Iraq goes on, while people starve and are killed in Darfur, while politicians spend your money like its theirs, you can only think of yourselves.
It's really going to suck when current Americans aged 18 and younger enter the workforce. Expect them to be fired by baby-boomer managers for a lack of discipline, and then expect to see lawsuits galore when they do. Gen X managers, like with their parenting skills, will have a problem with disciplining their employees. I've seen it in my own job.
Good days ahead.
Tony Messinger at 10:04AM on Dec 3rd 2007
82. My daughter is not perfect. That said:
We do not hit.
Se do not yell.
We do not denigrate.
We do not up the severity of any punishment because we are angry.
What we DO is simple. We give time-outs appropriate to age. We give or withhold privileges appropriate to the situation, and we talk. And of course, praise is given when earned. Know what? A good 90% of the time, my little girl can be talked round easily and quickly to doing what she needs to do or should do, because she wants so much to please us. It's called respect, and it WORKS.
According to Barbara Woodhouse, you can't expect more than 80% obedience from even a good working dog - and we're getting better than that from a five year old. Who says love doesn't conquer all?
Lionruby at 10:11AM on Dec 3rd 2007
83. I raised my son in a strict enough home, almost by myself, for his Daddy died. After he graduated from college he started showing me he can think for himself and got himself a tattoo, much to my upsetness and he would care less. I love him just as much as when he was even first conceived, just really feel like I've been slapped in the face...and ten got another one when informed when his new baby is born he is planning to celebrate and have another tattoo. Oh well! Someone told me he cannot even now give a blood transfussion should an emergency arise due to possible health complications, and he is more exposed to many other germs and viruses. I pray someone invents a temporary real looking patch that would satisfy these fads and not make them so permanent and dangerous to our so independent-thinkers.
ruthy at 11:18AM on Dec 3rd 2007
84. Thank you Waneta. To the post who said that if you need to hit your child you shouldn't be a parent- did you ever try rationalizing with a year and a half year old of why he should not go into the garbage? As I said before I do not beat him by any means. He has never had a bruise or even felt pain from my husband or myself. I do not believe in beatings. But like Waneta said, I will spank his behind if he goes into the garbage, touches an electrical outlet or wires. Only things that are dangerous and will hurt him. My husband and I are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of him getting food poisoning because he ate food from the trash or electrocuted because he touched the outlets or wires. I'd rather discipline him while he is doing something that could hurt him, then deal with him being hurt or sick and having to explain the situation to the ER. Then everyone will say, "where were the parents?" I love my son very much and yes it hurts me more than him to spank his behind, but at least I know he will not be sick or get hurt.
D. at 11:24AM on Dec 3rd 2007
85. I know when I have my own kids I will whoop em with a belt. I got my butt whooped plenty of times and thats the only way I would listen. No didnt cut it for me and I am actually glad that I got those whippings because today I am not a spoiled brat. And if they act up in public and cuss me and what not Ill whip em. And if somebody threatens to call social sevices on me then Ill whip them too lol. Thats what the good lord made that rear for. Sittin and whippin. But dont get me wrong I will love my kids and help them out and will spoil them to a certain extent, they are just going to have to learn respect and that comes through discipline.
Seth at 11:56AM on Dec 3rd 2007
86. I think this is right on target. The same people who will say this is not true are the same people who wonder why they can not control their kids past the age of 10. If you don't instill the basics of life in your kids when the are toddlers do you really think they will catch on when they are 12.
Jen at 5:05PM on Dec 3rd 2007
87. Al (#2) You've probably had a lot of advice by now, I didn't read all the posts, so I hope this isn't repetitive. Your daughter obviously respects you and your opinion so how about telling her you back up her mothers discipline 100% and you don't want her whining her way out of it. I was always the soft touch with our kids but my husband made sure they had better do what I told them or they would be dealing with him. It worked most of the time. The main thing a parent should instill in their children is respect for other people. If you can do that, most everything else falls into place. Oh yes, Al - piercing isn't the worst thing that your daughter could do, it's a fashion statement, but the fact that she's 16 and you and mom said no is enough to not have it done or undo it if she has. That stuff is for when she's "grown up" and paying for her own mistakes.
Karen at 10:34PM on Dec 4th 2007
88. I am so over this whole "Gen X" sort of thing. Being a Generation X'er myself, I found it offensive when the "grownups" crowned us this title. Like we weren't doing anything notable, that they couldn't put a name....hello, look where WE come from. All I've ever heard of about Gen X is negativity. I personally think we have made our statement by bowing out of the political/societal constraints. When I was growing up, it was ok to beat the hell out of your kid - I remember it and don't feel the need to do it to my kids. But I do set firm limits, am ready with explanations, and have more positive ways of punishment. Make up your mind what you want people, violence or none?
angelemd at 12:06PM on Dec 5th 2007