Nerve has up an interesting article by Lynn Harris about the many dating sites targeted at people with STDS. Here's an excerpt:Dating websites for people with the same STI seem like a natural niche, one that includes PositiveSingles.com, H-Date.com and the genre's warhorse, MPwH.net (Meet People with Herpes), which was founded in 1997 and has more than 70,000 active members. Newcomer PositiveFriends.com has a photo-editing application that allows you to upload photos which obscure your identity, zooming in on just your tattoo or your eyes. Another new site, VDdate.com, feels a bit rickety with its use of outdated terminology like "venereal disease," but its presence reinforces the point: many STI sufferers are opting out of the general singles population and sticking to their own private dating pool.
Or ghetto, depending on who you're talking to. "Creating specific internet-dating sites for persons with STDs tends to perpetuate stigma by separating them from the general population," says Jeffrey D. Klausner, M.D., director of STD Prevention and Control Services at the San Francisco Department of Public Health. "This isolation suggests that those persons are different and not normal, requiring exceptional means to meet other partners."
You can read the full story here. Seems to us like these websites increase the stigma associated with STDs and perpetuate the myth that people who already have an STD don't need to protect themselves from, for example, other strains of the same virus.
What do you think: are such sites a boon or a bane for the dating world, and in particular daters who have STDs?
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 2)
1. This is a tough one. On the surface, it seems harmless. After all, probably folks who have an STD feel comfortable with others who do. On the other hand, there is something unsettling about it a well.
But, it is the internet, and people can do as they please. If you say these folks cannot "hook up" then you have to shut down all dating web sites or rather "hook up" sites (yes, they are out there). That amounts to censorship and I don't agree with that at all.
David S. at 2:42PM on Feb 27th 2008
2. Of course they're not normal. They have STD's. That is abnormal. They SHOULD have means to be able to honestly find another partner. Some of this crap is still lingering on, that everyone has to be normal. Everyone is great, self-esteem is the number-one priority! Yay! Who cares that our upcoming generation of entitlement cares ONLY about their own personal needs? They have great self-esteem!
Strados at 3:03PM on Feb 27th 2008
3. To answer in the words of your title, Ada, such sites both liberate and quarantine, and both are good things. Nobody is forcing anyone with or without an STD to use one of these sites (or not to use "general" dating sites), so any "stigma" is self-imposed. It's true that users may remain at risk of contracting some other STD, but I imagine that's not a huge problem. (Or do you know of an epidemic of people who already have HIV, under control with drugs, getting sick again by partnering someone with a different strain?)
As for Dr. Klausner's objection, sick people who at risk of spreading their disease to others *are* "different and not normal," and there's obvious social value in their having a place they can go where there *isn't* a "stigma" to admitting you have a disease, because everyone else there has it too. Bottom line, it makes everyone safer (if only marginally so), as well as more comfortable, and doesn't deprive anyone of "rights."
All good, no harm, as I see it.
dr jay at 3:20PM on Feb 27th 2008
4. I don't know. Some people may say that sites such as these encourage people who lead a poor lifestyle to continue doing so. But I have to wonder about the people who contracted STDs as a result of rape or just a mistake.
There's something alarming about the title "Meet People with Herpes", but then, I'm sure if I had Herpes for whatever reason, it would make me feel better to know I could go somewhere where I wouldn't be considered disgusting and disease-ridden.
I suppose it's only fair to point out that not everyone has an STD because they're loose.
godspeedastoria at 6:44PM on Feb 27th 2008
5. You know something Ada, I don't believe this is a bad idea. I can only imagine how quickly the word would get passed around in a person's circle of friends. And soon enough, we would probably find a very lonely person.
So to me, these web sites are an attempt at trying to improve the quality of life for people with STD. And, if they're doing that, I say fine.
Willet at 7:57PM on Feb 27th 2008
6. I am a 30 something woman with Herpes and a member of MPwH for 4 years. I am a healthcare professional with a masters degree who has only slept with 4 men (got it from #2), so obviously it can happen to anyone. I don't think I lead a "poor lifestyle," I just had an extremely stupid moment when I didn't use a condom.
I don't think these sites are a quarantine or encourage people to continue living a "poor lifestyle." MPwH is more than just a dating site, its a way to communicate with other people with HPV and HSV. You can ask questions, get support without feeling judged or embarrassed. I have dated men from the site and men without HSV, and personally I feel so much more comfortable with someone who has HSV because the pressure is off to have to tell, which I will always do by the way. I can't imagine knowingly passing this to someone. And the stigma with herpes makes me crazy. Don't people realize its the same virus that causes cold sores?!
Louise at 11:07PM on Feb 27th 2008
7. Yes. Many STD people now can face it correctly and start their new life on online dating. You can check this STD dating site find their stories on : http://www.stdpal.com. There are 200+ stories on it
h at 11:16PM on Feb 27th 2008
8. These kinds of websites are helpful to people who already be stigmatized and isolated because of their condition. How does it do them any harm to be connected with other people who feel a similar isolation and realize that they are not alone in this world? And to be fair, nowadays internet dating is not at all an "exceptional" means...what a stupid comment to make.
Bobby Joe at 9:53AM on Feb 28th 2008
9. I have a non profit all volunteer organization - HIV/AIDS Education and Prevention Council - founded in the early days of the 1990's. It was my greatest hope that by 2000 we would not be needed as much or reach the point we no longer had to tell people HIV still kills. I have spent thousands of hours doing research on every aspect of AIDS but I had been given the notion that the people meeting online were the ones who were spreading HIV, and Hepatitis C. When I visited some of the chat rooms the scroll zipped by so fast you had to set it on "low" to even begin to see what was happening." "BJ west jersey" "Boy toy lisland" "topguy sandan" But I kept going to such rooms to try and understand. How could these people bandy about life in such a cavalier manner? Then I went on and discovered much better "chat groups' that obviously didn't want any problems and they kept a close eye on who their members were and verify information. These sites want people to come to their site either because they are doing a wonderful thing for others or they are looking for financial support. Please keep in mind looking for support is not a bad thing but you need to know exactly where the funds are going.
If problems arise, as they tend to do you can work with the group or leave. No one is required to join any group. If you don't like what is happening then get the hell out!If you feel discrimination of any kind - leave!
This is a very complicated subject and I certainly can't explain everything I have learned. So it has turned into a book I am hoping to make an enormous amount of money on so that I may pass the book along free along with other tools or needs people living with HIV/AIDS. As I said this is too complicated for a post but I can say absolutely truthfully I see no problems with web sites doing what they choose as long as no one is hurt. "Safe, Sane, Consensual!" It is difficult enough to find a decent person to share your life with or even a few good dates. If you have herpes or HIV, where the hell are you supposed to find a date? You must tell your partner you have an illness...it only makes sense to go somewhere you don't have to pretend or think - oh god do I tell her now? or I like him but how can I tell him about genital warts? I have visited many such "exclusive" groups, sites, and dating sites and I say go for it! How dare anyone judge others as being "not normal" . Good lord I do hope we are NOT sliding back to the 1980's!And the idea that HIV etc. spread the most illness around is completely ignorant. I know it is true because I used to be one of the ignorant ones. Anyone old enough to think about sex knows there are some bad things that can happen. We have all been stupid or done stupid things - every single human! I know of absolutely NO ONE who has told me of feeling discrimination or
mistreated when they have gone to site specific topics If you say it is discrimination then so are most of the online groups. STD's. like HIV does not discriminate. Unfortunately some people do. And the sites that one nighters, anything goes do represent a percentage overall of new cases. Do you know how much? 1.72 percent. These losers are not going to change and they have sex with others who won't change. So bless'm and send them on their way. They are not enough numbers to validate any sort of intervention it has been tried and tried again. The bottom line is you can have a real life with a real partner even if you have to make some changes. Knowing from the beginning if you know a site or club is a good to find people who share the same type of things can be a great relief. Immediately you know that all the people there are dealing withe the same thing, you no longer have a secret burden weighing you down mentally and physically.
PLEASE do remember to never give out any personal information, on site or list or members list
Now raise your head high and get on with living!!!
Jeanne Hatfield at 8:18PM on Feb 28th 2008
10. I am a 46 year old divorced woman and I have herpes. I contracted it from an unfaithful spouse. There are many more like me...people who have genital herpes come in all ages, colors, sizes, and backgrounds. And the vast majority of us are very responsible sexually....we just had the misfortune to have partner who was not completely honest with us. Or one who was not even aware that he/she had the virus. Yes, folks...that can happen - more often than you realize - it IS possible to pass on the virus during asymptomatic periods (known as "viral shedding") or to have the virus and not realize it because the outbreaks are so mild that the symptoms are attributed to an ingrown hair, razor burn, or jock itch. And if you get cold sores on your mouth? You've got herpes. Same virus, just a different strain & location. And oral herpes can be transmitted to the genitals via oral sex. So, "loose living" is not always the main culprit in the spread of herpes!
Do STD-specific dating sites isolate us? Of course not! We're not a bunch of lepers, hiding out from the rest of the world. These sites are just a place to meet others in a similar situation. Find support and answers to questions. But they are also wonderful social outlets. Herpes is what brings us together in the first place. But it soon falls by the wayside. We find and meet other folks with common backgrounds, interests, and views. We meet folks with vastly different backgrounds who enrich our world view. Hmmm...kind of like any other online community, don't you think?
As far as creating a "ghetto" in the dating world...again, no way! Some site members date both H and non-H people. Some members (myself included) choose to date strictly within the community - for reasons already mentioned here - no having the "talk" with a potential partner and no worry of passing on the virus. But being responsible - telling a non-H partner of your condition and practicing safe sex (regardless of a partner's herpes status) is a given. By and large, the members on these sites are not suffering from inferiority complexes or feeling like social outcasts. They are responsible, caring, intelligent people who just happen to have a STI.
It does not totally define or confine them.
Do I limit my pool of eligibles by choosing to date only men with herpes? Yes. But I also choose to date only men who meet certain other criteria of compatibility with my own personality. Another limiting factor. I think we all limit ourselves in some form or fashion. But that's okay...it's part of trying to find a compatible partner in life.
I am definitely not suffering from an inferiority problem! In the five years since my diagnosis and through the herpes dating site that I'm on: I've made friends (male & female) from all over the country, I have an active social life (in addition to the already active non-h social life I've always had!), I've dated regularly, had a 2 1/2 year relationship, and I recently met an h-positive man who just might be "The One" for me! So, rest assured, life is good -- with herpes AND on a herpes dating site.
Ultimately, my opinion of "Searching for Normal" is that "normal" is just a setting on the dryer, honey. I'm happy right where I am...don't feel sorry for me - but perhaps feel a little jealousy because life is so darn good! :)
Beverly at 10:39AM on Feb 28th 2008
11. the newest hit is the support group called:
"i was on 'To Catch A Predator'and STILL didn't get laid."
...i hear they're accepting applications from the herpes group too, though.
hannah at 2:08PM on Feb 28th 2008
12. I'm fortunate enough to have never contracted such, and even take for granted my dates being clean. It is a serious issue, because these diseases have gotten so frighteningly common. It must be a difficult thing to be up-front about, but transmitting a disease when you know you're infected is selfish and unforgivable. Services like this are NEEDED as a consequence of the times we're in.
Mokele-Mobembe at 3:04PM on Feb 28th 2008
13. A hot article generating some good comments. No one says this is an easy topic. With the absurd priorities of America--240 million in abstinence-only education and 110 million for STD research, prevention, education and control--we need more innovative to control the spread of STDs. If STD groups--herpes, warts, HIV, whatever--help folks feel good and meet partners to have fun sex, all the better. The bigger problem is our lack of investment in sexual health in American and our conspiracy to let a new generation die of ignorance.
Love you.
Dr K "www.sfcityclinic.org"
Dr. Klausner at 4:50PM on Mar 1st 2008
14. I totally agree with Louise, I am also a female living with Herpes and I do not feel "damaged" or "abnormal". I thank God that he spared my life cause it could have been worse ! I believe that websites directed towards people with STD's is a wonderful idea because it does take away the pressure of telling someone about your issue.And everyone that gets a STD is not loose. There are plent of husbands, wives,girlfriends and boyfriends that have this (statistically 1/3 of Americans). My only wish is that ignorant people like some of those who commented on this blog would actually do a little research to find out just how likely they are to get it. Only GOD can judge me.
anastasia at 7:22PM on Mar 3rd 2008
15. STD dating has become a popular topic lately. Did you know that 70 million people are afflicted with STDs in the U.S. alone and over 400 million people have stds worldwide?The std dating service I uses is an exclusive online std dating community for singles with stds where I can meet new friends, dates or my future spouse! It's also a great place to talk, share and learn about stds from people that also have shared my experience. http://www.STDromance.com
nicole at 3:20AM on Mar 10th 2008