American Idol: The Stripper and the Satanist

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American Idol: The Stripper and the Satanist

Posted Mar 4th 2008 9:30PM by Mo Rocca
Filed under: American Idol, Mo Rocca

Waiting for the results from Texas' mind-numbingly complicated prima-caucus was just the excuse I needed to abandon the Hillary-Obama Reality Show and flip over to the granddaddy of all reality shows: American Idol.

Beware: Once I get hooked on American Idol, I'm hooked. So if you don't like A.I., you won't like me much over the next few months. How could I not get hooked by now? Only today we learned that two of the eight final guys are bad bad boys.

True to form, AI paired the two sinners tonight: Satanist Danny Noriega and Stripper David Hernandez performed third and fourth, respectively. The show deftly led up to these American False Idols with two other singers.
First came Luke Menard, the 29 year-old Indianan. I've long felt that Luke, with his perfect teeth, overly manicured stubble and John Davidson aura, was Hugh Jackman-lite, or, as I've called him, Hugh Jackboy. No doubt a nice guy, the married Menard should pack his bags now. A married Idol contestant has never been a serious contender.

Luke did do something extraordinarily generous, though. In describing his most embarrassing '80s moment, he admitted to once cross-dressing in a pink tutu. The admission was astonishing enough but there was a picture, too. The message was clear: we've all done zany things that a lot of Americans might (unfairly) criticize. But what the hell! That Luke was willing to fall on his sword, to risk the wrath of the American Heartland, was touching and must have come as a relief to Noriega and Hernandez.

Next came David Archuleta, the 17 year-old phenom with a smile and voice as warm as baked brie. (Sorry, I'm hungry right now. I just came back from the gym.) A.I. shrewdly placed the boy-next-door Archuleta ahead of Noriega. This message: Good before Evil.

And that brings us to Noriega. Noriega is Evil. There's no point in debating this. That he blasphemed Christmas in his notorious video (and gleefully saluted us with "Santa rapes your Mom!") is almost beside the point. The sneering "smile" across his face in tonight's video introduction is all the proof you need that this sicko is a cultist. Ending his cute little story about his movie theater mishap, Noriega (aka Rosemary's Baby's Playmate) signed off with "TMTH." No doubt a shout-out to his co-Satanists.

Slithering around the stage, looking like a dinner theater Mordred (from Camelot), hissing "Tainted Love," Noriega positively spooked me. I swear that if given a choice of voting for Manuel Noriega over this horned fiend, I would proudly text my support for the Panamanian dictator!

Randy, about whose religious beliefs we know little, was suspiciously supportive of Noriega. Paula, looking more and more Hispanic these days (like a puffy Soledad O'Brien), was typically non-committal. Only Simon had the sense to turn away from the devil and dub him "useless." Noriega naturally gave him the hex, one hand raised to the left side of his head. (How the little Be'elzebub keeps his tail concealed is a big question.) He saluted Simon with another "TMTH." (If you know what this stands for, please advise.)

Then came David Hernandez, the former stripper and lap dancer at Phoenix's fabled Dick's Cabaret. For his video intro, he recounted the story of a photo shoot that ended with him discovering that a walnut-sized booger was hanging from his nose. I was impressed. David came off as appropriately friendly (not lap-dancer friendly) and forthright. That he was willing to discuss a photo shoot stuck me as, well, ballsy, when he knew that we've all been in a dither over those "other" photos circulating. This was a classy way of handling a delicate topic head on.

The Latino Hernandez does have a troubling green-ish tint, like a penny soaked in vinegar. But he should have no problem restoring his proper hue with a little foundation makeup.

More importantly, Hernandez comported himself with dignity during and after his performance of "All Coming Back to Me Now." He was neither scornful (like the poisonous Noriega) nor apologetic. And why should he be?! The guy, no doubt, worked hard for his money. Plus he broke no laws. And whatever you may think of him, he's no devil-worshipper.

I hope I've been objective. Now what do you think?

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Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 5)

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1. mo, you posted this:

"More importantly, Hernandez comported himself with dignity during and after his performance of "All Coming Back to Me Now." He was neither scornful (like the poisonous Noriega) nor apologetic. And why should he be?! The guy, no doubt, worked hard for his money. Plus he broke no laws. And whatever you may think of him, he's no devil-worshipper."

just one question. what law did danny break? since when was it against the law to worship whomever you want, be it god, satan, or as conservatives like to, bush?

i thought this was america, where one had FREEDOM OF RELIGION, be it christianity, buddism, or even satanism. but, its apparent in your little 'mo' world, freedom of choice only applys to YOUR choice.

horrible post mo. you really crapped up this one

mike at 10:07PM on Mar 4th 2008

2. one more point i want to make mo. you also say that theres no point in debating if danny is evil or not, ONLY because he essentially said christmas is crap. yet christians (which i am assuming you are) are actually evil people because they constantly bash islam and other religions. based on YOUR logic that one is evil because they bash anothers religious holiday or doctrine, christians are just as equally evil for bashing other peoples beliefs. in fact, by bashing dannys satanism, you yourself is evil (once again based on YOUR flawed logic).

horrible post mo. maybe you should stick with politics

mike at 10:14PM on Mar 4th 2008

3. Mo, I must be exceptionally old, because I thought Danny was a girl!

I stopped watching AI a long time ago, and had just seen the Danny mention in passing - I thought it was old video of Angelina Jolie!

Santa Satanists are so 5 minutes ago...although I'm sure Anton LaVey is proud. Scientology is the new Satanism, and so much better received.

I do think he needs to hurry to the nearest ER, however, that fishhook should be removed within the first 12 hours.

Gabrielle at 10:17PM on Mar 4th 2008

4. Sorry, babe, but I'm glued to CNN. I haven't watched one episode of AI, but you know that I will always adore you, "over the next few months" and beyond. (Entertaining post, BTW.)

Anyway, just wanted to send some positive vibes out to my girl, Hillary, the "Yellow Rose of Texas"!
(If Bill Clinton can be labeled the "First Black President", then surely Hillary can be a "Yellow Rose"!)

Keeping my fingers, legs, arms and toes crossed...

giftedgirl at 10:25PM on Mar 4th 2008

5. #3 you posted this:

"I do think he needs to hurry to the nearest ER, however, that fishhook should be removed within the first 12 hours"

what exactly did you mean by 'fishhook'?

mike at 10:28PM on Mar 4th 2008

6. TMTH stands for "Too Much To Handle" and Noriega is not a Satanist.

Joshua Moody at 10:30PM on Mar 4th 2008

7. For your information "TMTH" actually stands for: To my terrible HELL. He is a Satanist and this proves it. I just hope that nice God-fearing gay stripper boy David Hernandez can destroy his evil powers that seek to take over the world and the Whitehouse too. I must now go and bake a pie. I'm having a TV and pie party 2mro.

Gladys Cripewinch at 11:10PM on Mar 4th 2008

8. Mo, you absolutely crack me up! Loved the AI comments (especially the Hugh Jackman lite--that is right on; and so is the John Davidson-esque) and I look forward to more.

I am going to rewatch tonight's show so that I can look for the green-tinted guy. I didn't notice that earlier.

Jan at 11:13PM on Mar 4th 2008

9. Sheesh, Mike. I'm sorry I upset you. I never questioned Danny's right to worship the devil. For all I care, he can give Satan a lap dance! I'm merely asking people of all faiths (and no faith) to come together and condemn what is clearly a message of hate (Santa raping Mom?!)

In any case, it's just a TV show!

Mo Rocca at 11:23PM on Mar 4th 2008

10. Yay! I just found out Fox finally has shows to watch online. But no American Idol. I wouldn't watch it anyway, but I was curious about the fishhook.

Real Satanists aren't evil. They are selfish misanthropes.

Yay! I get to watch the Sarah Conner Chronicles now!

mo-NEEK-a at 11:38PM on Mar 4th 2008

11. Dang! I'm all buzzed from voting and caucussing in TX, but we've gone and numbed Mo's mind. I did vote for a Dem war vet candidate named Noriega to be slated to run against Cornyn. And since Cornyn's as evil as Satan, I guess I'm not completely off topic.

SallyMutant at 12:53AM on Mar 5th 2008

12. YEAH, BABY!!!!!!!!

giftedgirl at 12:54AM on Mar 5th 2008

13. Ah, it's nice to see that people still appreciate humor and sarcasm...oh wait. I guess they don't.

Mo, I think you're funny and I enjoyed the post. I am also one of the few, apparently, who undertsands the difference between a true witch hunt for satanists and evil doers and a commentary by an intelligent and funny man about a bratty boy on a reality tv show.

Mo, you are not alone. I will be glued to Idol for the next few months as well. David Archuleta, Jason Castro and Michael Johns all the way! What are your thoughts on my favorite contenders, hmm?

Sarah at 2:54AM on Mar 5th 2008

14. Yup, after watching Satanic Noreiga, Ssnjaya (from last year) isn't looking all that bad in hind-sight, 'eh?

J Carter at 2:56AM on Mar 5th 2008

15. Mo
I am no Harvard grad, but I definitely mistook "A. I." for the name "Al." As I was envisioning the purveyor of Happy Days' hamburgers, I came to no coherent conclusions as to why he would be included with Paula, Randy, and Simon.
Do you mind using a serif font, as Arial can often lead to these awkward(and socially embarrassing) misunderstandings?
Think about it.

Andrea at 3:03AM on Mar 5th 2008

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Mo Rocca appears on a bunch of shows, including CBS News Sunday Morning (with the indescribably wonderful Charles Osgood), The Tonight Show on NBC, and NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! He's a sometime judge on Iron Chef and was featured on Telemundo's Amore Descarado. Last year he starred on Broadway in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. His expose "All the President's Pets" was published by Crown in 2004.