Waiting for the results from Texas' mind-numbingly complicated prima-caucus was just the excuse I needed to abandon the Hillary-Obama Reality Show and flip over to the granddaddy of all reality shows: American Idol.
Beware: Once I get hooked on American Idol, I'm hooked. So if you don't like A.I., you won't like me much over the next few months. How could I not get hooked by now? Only today we learned that two of the eight final guys are bad bad boys.
True to form, AI paired the two sinners tonight: Satanist Danny Noriega and Stripper David Hernandez performed third and fourth, respectively. The show deftly led up to these American False Idols with two other singers.
First came Luke Menard, the 29 year-old Indianan. I've long felt that Luke, with his perfect teeth, overly manicured stubble and John Davidson aura, was Hugh Jackman-lite, or, as I've called him, Hugh Jackboy. No doubt a nice guy, the married Menard should pack his bags now. A married Idol contestant has never been a serious contender.
Luke did do something extraordinarily generous, though. In describing his most embarrassing '80s moment, he admitted to once cross-dressing in a pink tutu. The admission was astonishing enough but there was a picture, too. The message was clear: we've all done zany things that a lot of Americans might (unfairly) criticize. But what the hell! That Luke was willing to fall on his sword, to risk the wrath of the American Heartland, was touching and must have come as a relief to Noriega and Hernandez.
Next came David Archuleta, the 17 year-old phenom with a smile and voice as warm as baked brie. (Sorry, I'm hungry right now. I just came back from the gym.) A.I. shrewdly placed the boy-next-door Archuleta ahead of Noriega. This message: Good before Evil.
And that brings us to Noriega. Noriega is Evil. There's no point in debating this. That he blasphemed Christmas in his notorious video (and gleefully saluted us with "Santa rapes your Mom!") is almost beside the point. The sneering "smile" across his face in tonight's video introduction is all the proof you need that this sicko is a cultist. Ending his cute little story about his movie theater mishap, Noriega (aka Rosemary's Baby's Playmate) signed off with "TMTH." No doubt a shout-out to his co-Satanists.
Slithering around the stage, looking like a dinner theater Mordred (from Camelot), hissing "Tainted Love," Noriega positively spooked me. I swear that if given a choice of voting for Manuel Noriega over this horned fiend, I would proudly text my support for the Panamanian dictator!
Randy, about whose religious beliefs we know little, was suspiciously supportive of Noriega. Paula, looking more and more Hispanic these days (like a puffy Soledad O'Brien), was typically non-committal. Only Simon had the sense to turn away from the devil and dub him "useless." Noriega naturally gave him the hex, one hand raised to the left side of his head. (How the little Be'elzebub keeps his tail concealed is a big question.) He saluted Simon with another "TMTH." (If you know what this stands for, please advise.)
Then came David Hernandez, the former stripper and lap dancer at Phoenix's fabled Dick's Cabaret. For his video intro, he recounted the story of a photo shoot that ended with him discovering that a walnut-sized booger was hanging from his nose. I was impressed. David came off as appropriately friendly (not lap-dancer friendly) and forthright. That he was willing to discuss a photo shoot stuck me as, well, ballsy, when he knew that we've all been in a dither over those "other" photos circulating. This was a classy way of handling a delicate topic head on.
The Latino Hernandez does have a troubling green-ish tint, like a penny soaked in vinegar. But he should have no problem restoring his proper hue with a little foundation makeup.
More importantly, Hernandez comported himself with dignity during and after his performance of "All Coming Back to Me Now." He was neither scornful (like the poisonous Noriega) nor apologetic. And why should he be?! The guy, no doubt, worked hard for his money. Plus he broke no laws. And whatever you may think of him, he's no devil-worshipper.
I hope I've been objective. Now what do you think?
Mo Rocca has appeared on a bunch of shows, including 'The Daily Show,' 'I Love the 80s,'...
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American Idol: The Stripper and the Satanist
Posted Mar 4th 2008 9:30PM by Mo Rocca
Filed under: American Idol, Mo Rocca
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Mo Rocca appears on a bunch of shows, including CBS News Sunday Morning (with the indescribably wonderful Charles Osgood), The Tonight Show on NBC, and NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! He's a sometime judge on Iron Chef and was featured on Telemundo's Amore Descarado. Last year he starred on Broadway in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. His expose "All the President's Pets" was published by Crown in 2004.
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Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 5)
16. I never watch American Idol, but I'd tune in to see a naked male tap dancer.
Pack of Whackos at 6:07AM on Mar 5th 2008
17. Hiya Mo!
Hugh Jackboy! That's fun-ny.
I don't watch AI as a matter of principle. I cannot abide the judges nor Closet Queen Seacrest. So if you get hooked I respect that, but I guess my comments about the topic will be rather oblivious or even nil. :S
I'm truly sorry.
Now, regarding the primaries, I just got up this morning and read that Hillary swept up Texas and Ohio using Obama(rama) as a mop.
I did a little dance and hummed: 'Who's sorry now?'.
After his recent 'too little, too late' treatment of LGBT issues, plus the blatant plagiarism bouts (there's no denial about it), so as not to speak of the horrid, horrid Esquire cover (Come on! Who styled THAT?!), I can freely admit that Obama(rama) rubs me the wrong (very wrong!) way.
Perhaps my reasons not to like him are shallow and superficial, and maybe so, but I stick to my guns. I am no longer Mary Richards, Roccats! I am not a pushover no more!
So. If Obama wants it, instead of shooting hoops, I've got just one thing to say:
*You better WORK!*
As to HRC: Commander in Chief or Desperate Housewife? The bluff was called and she emerged strong. Let's see if she can take her Manolos to the final step.
Spain reads you, Mo. (and Roccats galore)
Miguel Cane at 6:22AM on Mar 5th 2008
18. Dear Mo,
any *John Davidson* (shiver) reference makes me smile-(nervously)
so my vote goes to the more "evil" of the two-
ounce per ounce, we get the better satanic value--
Choosey Mothas choose the fresh, smooth spreadable SATANISM : David.
Sorry to the "Hot Topic" muffin- Danny...being raised by indiffent mid to uppermiddle class parents makes one ANGRY but not CREATIVE.....!
Try not to hold that against your parents too much longer. There is a "Logan's Run" on Satanic Chic..let's wrap it up!!!!
Congrats to the Hillary supporters out there!
Miguel, love and smooches.
ah, Clem at 7:20AM on Mar 5th 2008
19. Hiya Kay.
This guy must really be a Satanist. I just read Micahel Bleeeeccch, er, Bay, is remaking Rosemary's Baby.
I need a valium.
Not to be a wet firecracker, but I feel kinda dumped! HA!
Anyhow.
EXPERIENCE A CHANGE OF SEX: HILLARY '08
Spain does what you know it does and it does it to whom you know it does it.
Miguel Cane at 7:46AM on Mar 5th 2008
20. Oh, lest I forget: Mucho love.
And Viva la Revolucion del Cashmere-O.
Hillary Goes!
Obama Woes!
Miguel Cane at 7:47AM on Mar 5th 2008
21. Loved your post, Miguel!
Our girl is BACK! I'm anxiously awaiting Mo's post on this!!! And no, I'm not using too many exclamation points! This is exciting, dammit!
As for Obama, I only have one thing to say...
SASHAY SHANTE!!!!!!!!!
giftedgirl at 8:24AM on Mar 5th 2008
22. #3 I agree - Danny does look rather girlie in the video. Typically I like androgynous guys, but he's a little much.
Tiffany at 8:43AM on Mar 5th 2008
23. Mo,
To summarize, what all those comments mean is that everybody loved your article. They just have different ways of expressing it.
I have often wondered why people who profess to not watching American Idol even bother to read, even more perplexing, write comments about it?
Polo at 8:51AM on Mar 5th 2008
24. Whocaresitsstan! The show should be called American's fallen Idol.
Donna at 9:16AM on Mar 5th 2008
25. Aw Mo,
I hope I'm not stating the obvious, but for those who missed A.I. (what font--or tongues--am I speaking in?)and don't have that evil TIVO, you can usually find an AI retelecast on YouTube.
Here is the little Dickens in question:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=zw6rgyHiykw&feature=related
JG (hey, what's the typographical symbol for horns?)
Johnhg at 9:36AM on Mar 5th 2008
26. danny looks like the girl in the movie Hitman. That is scary. I'm going straight to the shrink.
brad at 10:38AM on Mar 5th 2008
27.
....and Danny,....Marilyn Manson called and wants his schtick back before your 10pm curfew dear.
ah, Clem at 11:03AM on Mar 5th 2008
28. Chris Daughtery was married at the time he was on A.I. and still is. He did very well. TMTH -too much to handle
Flan at 11:10AM on Mar 5th 2008
29. Andrea, I saw "Al" (short for Albert) a couple times, too. But my real problem is with the abbreviation A.I. To me, A.I. will always mean "artificial intelligence". And while I'm sure American Idol has moments of being artificial (never watched more than a commercial), it is by no means intelligent.
Mo,if American Idol is too long, why not just call it "Idol"? That's my suggestion because I luuuuvvv sans serif fonts! :)
mo-NEEK-a at 11:06AM on Mar 5th 2008
30. Chris Daughtery still is and was married on A.I. He has done very well. tmth - too much to handle
Flan at 11:09AM on Mar 5th 2008