Waiting for the results from Texas' mind-numbingly complicated prima-caucus was just the excuse I needed to abandon the Hillary-Obama Reality Show and flip over to the granddaddy of all reality shows: American Idol.

Beware: Once I get hooked on American Idol, I'm hooked. So if you don't like A.I., you won't like me much over the next few months. How could I not get hooked by now? Only today we learned that two of the eight final guys are bad bad boys.

True to form, AI paired the two sinners tonight: Satanist Danny Noriega and Stripper David Hernandez performed third and fourth, respectively. The show deftly led up to these American False Idols with two other singers.
First came Luke Menard, the 29 year-old Indianan. I've long felt that Luke, with his perfect teeth, overly manicured stubble and John Davidson aura, was Hugh Jackman-lite, or, as I've called him, Hugh Jackboy. No doubt a nice guy, the married Menard should pack his bags now. A married Idol contestant has never been a serious contender.

Luke did do something extraordinarily generous, though. In describing his most embarrassing '80s moment, he admitted to once cross-dressing in a pink tutu. The admission was astonishing enough but there was a picture, too. The message was clear: we've all done zany things that a lot of Americans might (unfairly) criticize. But what the hell! That Luke was willing to fall on his sword, to risk the wrath of the American Heartland, was touching and must have come as a relief to Noriega and Hernandez.

Next came David Archuleta, the 17 year-old phenom with a smile and voice as warm as baked brie. (Sorry, I'm hungry right now. I just came back from the gym.) A.I. shrewdly placed the boy-next-door Archuleta ahead of Noriega. This message: Good before Evil.

And that brings us to Noriega. Noriega is Evil. There's no point in debating this. That he blasphemed Christmas in his notorious video (and gleefully saluted us with "Santa rapes your Mom!") is almost beside the point. The sneering "smile" across his face in tonight's video introduction is all the proof you need that this sicko is a cultist. Ending his cute little story about his movie theater mishap, Noriega (aka Rosemary's Baby's Playmate) signed off with "TMTH." No doubt a shout-out to his co-Satanists.

Slithering around the stage, looking like a dinner theater Mordred (from Camelot), hissing "Tainted Love," Noriega positively spooked me. I swear that if given a choice of voting for Manuel Noriega over this horned fiend, I would proudly text my support for the Panamanian dictator!

Randy, about whose religious beliefs we know little, was suspiciously supportive of Noriega. Paula, looking more and more Hispanic these days (like a puffy Soledad O'Brien), was typically non-committal. Only Simon had the sense to turn away from the devil and dub him "useless." Noriega naturally gave him the hex, one hand raised to the left side of his head. (How the little Be'elzebub keeps his tail concealed is a big question.) He saluted Simon with another "TMTH." (If you know what this stands for, please advise.)

Then came David Hernandez, the former stripper and lap dancer at Phoenix's fabled Dick's Cabaret. For his video intro, he recounted the story of a photo shoot that ended with him discovering that a walnut-sized booger was hanging from his nose. I was impressed. David came off as appropriately friendly (not lap-dancer friendly) and forthright. That he was willing to discuss a photo shoot stuck me as, well, ballsy, when he knew that we've all been in a dither over those "other" photos circulating. This was a classy way of handling a delicate topic head on.

The Latino Hernandez does have a troubling green-ish tint, like a penny soaked in vinegar. But he should have no problem restoring his proper hue with a little foundation makeup.

More importantly, Hernandez comported himself with dignity during and after his performance of "All Coming Back to Me Now." He was neither scornful (like the poisonous Noriega) nor apologetic. And why should he be?! The guy, no doubt, worked hard for his money. Plus he broke no laws. And whatever you may think of him, he's no devil-worshipper.

I hope I've been objective. Now what do you think?