Waiting for the results from Texas' mind-numbingly complicated prima-caucus was just the excuse I needed to abandon the Hillary-Obama Reality Show and flip over to the granddaddy of all reality shows: American Idol.
Beware: Once I get hooked on American Idol, I'm hooked. So if you don't like A.I., you won't like me much over the next few months. How could I not get hooked by now? Only today we learned that two of the eight final guys are bad bad boys.
True to form, AI paired the two sinners tonight: Satanist Danny Noriega and Stripper David Hernandez performed third and fourth, respectively. The show deftly led up to these American False Idols with two other singers.
First came Luke Menard, the 29 year-old Indianan. I've long felt that Luke, with his perfect teeth, overly manicured stubble and John Davidson aura, was Hugh Jackman-lite, or, as I've called him, Hugh Jackboy. No doubt a nice guy, the married Menard should pack his bags now. A married Idol contestant has never been a serious contender.
Luke did do something extraordinarily generous, though. In describing his most embarrassing '80s moment, he admitted to once cross-dressing in a pink tutu. The admission was astonishing enough but there was a picture, too. The message was clear: we've all done zany things that a lot of Americans might (unfairly) criticize. But what the hell! That Luke was willing to fall on his sword, to risk the wrath of the American Heartland, was touching and must have come as a relief to Noriega and Hernandez.
Next came David Archuleta, the 17 year-old phenom with a smile and voice as warm as baked brie. (Sorry, I'm hungry right now. I just came back from the gym.) A.I. shrewdly placed the boy-next-door Archuleta ahead of Noriega. This message: Good before Evil.
And that brings us to Noriega. Noriega is Evil. There's no point in debating this. That he blasphemed Christmas in his notorious video (and gleefully saluted us with "Santa rapes your Mom!") is almost beside the point. The sneering "smile" across his face in tonight's video introduction is all the proof you need that this sicko is a cultist. Ending his cute little story about his movie theater mishap, Noriega (aka Rosemary's Baby's Playmate) signed off with "TMTH." No doubt a shout-out to his co-Satanists.
Slithering around the stage, looking like a dinner theater Mordred (from Camelot), hissing "Tainted Love," Noriega positively spooked me. I swear that if given a choice of voting for Manuel Noriega over this horned fiend, I would proudly text my support for the Panamanian dictator!
Randy, about whose religious beliefs we know little, was suspiciously supportive of Noriega. Paula, looking more and more Hispanic these days (like a puffy Soledad O'Brien), was typically non-committal. Only Simon had the sense to turn away from the devil and dub him "useless." Noriega naturally gave him the hex, one hand raised to the left side of his head. (How the little Be'elzebub keeps his tail concealed is a big question.) He saluted Simon with another "TMTH." (If you know what this stands for, please advise.)
Then came David Hernandez, the former stripper and lap dancer at Phoenix's fabled Dick's Cabaret. For his video intro, he recounted the story of a photo shoot that ended with him discovering that a walnut-sized booger was hanging from his nose. I was impressed. David came off as appropriately friendly (not lap-dancer friendly) and forthright. That he was willing to discuss a photo shoot stuck me as, well, ballsy, when he knew that we've all been in a dither over those "other" photos circulating. This was a classy way of handling a delicate topic head on.
The Latino Hernandez does have a troubling green-ish tint, like a penny soaked in vinegar. But he should have no problem restoring his proper hue with a little foundation makeup.
More importantly, Hernandez comported himself with dignity during and after his performance of "All Coming Back to Me Now." He was neither scornful (like the poisonous Noriega) nor apologetic. And why should he be?! The guy, no doubt, worked hard for his money. Plus he broke no laws. And whatever you may think of him, he's no devil-worshipper.
I hope I've been objective. Now what do you think?
Mo Rocca has appeared on a bunch of shows, including 'The Daily Show,' 'I Love the 80s,'...
Mo's Blog Roll
Resources
American Idol: The Stripper and the Satanist
Posted Mar 4th 2008 9:30PM by Mo Rocca
Filed under: American Idol, Mo Rocca
Add your comments
Please keep your comments relevant to this blog entry. Email addresses are never displayed, but they are required to confirm your comments.
When you enter your name and email address, you'll be sent a link to confirm your comment, and a password. To leave another comment, just use that password.
To create a live link, simply type the URL (including http://) or email address and we will make it a live link for you. You can put up to 3 URLs in your comments. Line breaks and paragraphs are automatically converted — no need to use <p> or <br> tags.
Mo's Video
The Sound of a Smoke-Free Barack...Almost two years ago we speculated on how Barack Obama's voice would change if he stopped smoking. ...
Most Popular Stories
- Don't Like Goodbyes...
- Pittsburgh Steelers: Is it Time to get some Cheerleaders?
- How NOT to give an Oscar Acceptance Speech
- Could Jim Belushi Win the Nobel Peace Prize?
- Spring Break Sexy T-Shirt Removal Training!
- Quest for the Crown 5: Plastic Wrap to Make you Less Fat!
- Quest for the Crown 4: Work Those Heels!
Most Commented On
-
Coming Soon
Recent Comments
- Saint Brian the Godless on Obama and the Reagan Doctrine
- Saint Brian the Godless on Obama and the Reagan Doctrine
- Edward Baker on Catholic Church Releases Pedophile Coloring Book
- Observant on Obama and the Reagan Doctrine
- Observant on Obama and the Reagan Doctrine
- Lisa on Meet Thomas Beatie, The First Pregnant Man
- Richelle on Obama and the Reagan Doctrine
Mo's Bio
Mo Rocca appears on a bunch of shows, including CBS News Sunday Morning (with the indescribably wonderful Charles Osgood), The Tonight Show on NBC, and NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! He's a sometime judge on Iron Chef and was featured on Telemundo's Amore Descarado. Last year he starred on Broadway in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. His expose "All the President's Pets" was published by Crown in 2004.
Top News Headlines
Political Machine Blog
- Investigation Finds No Pattern of Illegal Activity at ACORN
- Martha Stewart and Matthew Morrison of 'Glee' Tour White House Christmas Decorations
- Ditching the Public Option Could Produce a Better Health Care Bill
- Reid Compares Republicans to Slavery Sympathizers; GOP Pounces
- Supreme Court Considers Federal Corruption Law
- With Health Insurance, It's Always Your Fault
- Obama Approval Dips Under 50 Percent Again in Gallup Poll
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 5)
46. Mo, you misspoke. Chris Daughtry, season 5 of Idol, was (and still is) married, and he was a SERIOUS contender. He didn't win Idol, but in the grand scheme of things, he has turned out to be the biggest winner of all with the success of his phenomenal debut album and worldwide tour, not to mention multiple awards and accolades. The season 5 winner, who was (and still is) single has been dropped from his recording label.
My personal fave this season is Jason Castro.
bb at 3:07PM on Mar 5th 2008
47. Aw Hannah - thank you! It all makes so much more sense now! However, it DID make my mouth water, just a little....
Gabrielle at 3:45PM on Mar 5th 2008
48. Just in case anybody is interested, satanist is evil
pure evil. It don't care whether you kill people, or take drugs, etc It just don't care about you period.
Stick a gun to your head, or someone else's pull the trigger, and you have just made satans day.
That creature wants you to die in absolute sin so the creature can claim your soul and take to hell and damnation with him (IT).
JESUS CHRIST OUR ONE AND ONLY TRUE SAVIOR DIED FOR US. JESUS DIED FOR MANKIND ON THE CROSS so that we could be saved by the grace of God and be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
That vile creature satan wants everyone to die for him.
satan is condemned to eternal damnation and he wants to take as many people with him.
And trust me where he is going is definitely NOT COOL.
This is not a rant, IT'S A FACT.
Tom at 4:08PM on Mar 5th 2008
49. My dearest Mo,
that wasn't really me-you can use whatever font you like!
Thanks
Mo
That's
Hilarious
Andrea (really) at 4:12PM on Mar 5th 2008
50.
I actually saw John Davidson in The Music Man several years ago-I think he has had his face freeze dried because he looks the same!
Still Andrea (really) at 4:12PM on Mar 5th 2008
51. Danny is not a Satanist.
He said that Santa, not Satan was going to do an evil thing, so he must believe Santa is evil. That makes him a Santaist.
I have never really "gotten" Rocca before but this one was pretty funny.
Davidg at 4:25PM on Mar 5th 2008
52. Oh, the old excuse.
I knew you were going to come up with something like that, you, you... shopgirl!
I am an aging queen. I know my detractors.
Spain does what you know it does and it does it to whom you know it does it, Roccats.
Miguel Cane at 4:54PM on Mar 5th 2008
53. Oh, I get it now!
Danny Noriega sold his soul to Santa...
And the only way he can get it back is if he let's Santa have his way with your moms. So all you moms better put out or there won't be shit in your kids' stockings this year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3G9f-J-QttQ
Rocca the AI Vote '08
"You better WORK!"
P.S. - The Roccats are feelin' you Spain!
FINN at 5:02PM on Mar 5th 2008
54. Wouldn't it be great if he had to fight for his soul like Ralph Macchio in Crossroads?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=K8ftHh3MQH4
Now THAT would be must see TV!!
Gabrielle at 5:34PM on Mar 5th 2008
55. Hysterical! I agree wholeheartedly. But, people from Indiana are Hoosiers, not Indianans.
lilly at 5:51PM on Mar 5th 2008
56. Good Gravy Lilly! I completely missed that! As a Hoosier, I am ashamed of myself!
Gabrielle at 5:58PM on Mar 5th 2008
57. Mo, you are hilarious!
Too bad the previous comments are mostly from people showing us how badly our educational system has failed.
May I suggest your readers troll Ebay and search for 1. A sense of humor, 2. An education, 3. Reading Glasses, and 4. A moral compass.
America is the land of the free, but American Idol should be free of lap dancers, gay or otherwise, and screaming advocates of rape as entertainment.
The definition of Idol is someone or something to be looked up to. American Idol being a family show, should eliminate strippers, lap dancers, obscenity, and offensive haters. The stripper and the satanist should be booted immediately.
A.I. should bring back Josiah Leming, a decent young man with extraordinary talent, who acted with impressive maturity and drive to realize his dream. Josiah Leming is a true American Idol.
Susan at 6:05PM on Mar 5th 2008
58. LOL! Nice one Gabs!! Only thing is...
If Danny really had to sing for his soul it would be TMTH!
And he would be on an immediate TMTH... Trans Migration To Hell!
FINN at 6:18PM on Mar 5th 2008
59. YAY!!!!! I think these may be the best comments ever! Come on you non-commenters! I know you've got it in ya'll!
Gabrielle at 6:40PM on Mar 5th 2008
60. Comment 51 was brought to you by
CHMAASS
Concerned High and Mighty of America Against Stupidity-Spouting.
Spain does it to you, et-cetera.
[I am no longer Mary Richards]
Experience a Change of Sex: HILLARY '08
Miguel Cane at 6:43PM on Mar 5th 2008