Waiting for the results from Texas' mind-numbingly complicated prima-caucus was just the excuse I needed to abandon the Hillary-Obama Reality Show and flip over to the granddaddy of all reality shows: American Idol.
Beware: Once I get hooked on American Idol, I'm hooked. So if you don't like A.I., you won't like me much over the next few months. How could I not get hooked by now? Only today we learned that two of the eight final guys are bad bad boys.
True to form, AI paired the two sinners tonight: Satanist Danny Noriega and Stripper David Hernandez performed third and fourth, respectively. The show deftly led up to these American False Idols with two other singers.
First came Luke Menard, the 29 year-old Indianan. I've long felt that Luke, with his perfect teeth, overly manicured stubble and John Davidson aura, was Hugh Jackman-lite, or, as I've called him, Hugh Jackboy. No doubt a nice guy, the married Menard should pack his bags now. A married Idol contestant has never been a serious contender.
Luke did do something extraordinarily generous, though. In describing his most embarrassing '80s moment, he admitted to once cross-dressing in a pink tutu. The admission was astonishing enough but there was a picture, too. The message was clear: we've all done zany things that a lot of Americans might (unfairly) criticize. But what the hell! That Luke was willing to fall on his sword, to risk the wrath of the American Heartland, was touching and must have come as a relief to Noriega and Hernandez.
Next came David Archuleta, the 17 year-old phenom with a smile and voice as warm as baked brie. (Sorry, I'm hungry right now. I just came back from the gym.) A.I. shrewdly placed the boy-next-door Archuleta ahead of Noriega. This message: Good before Evil.
And that brings us to Noriega. Noriega is Evil. There's no point in debating this. That he blasphemed Christmas in his notorious video (and gleefully saluted us with "Santa rapes your Mom!") is almost beside the point. The sneering "smile" across his face in tonight's video introduction is all the proof you need that this sicko is a cultist. Ending his cute little story about his movie theater mishap, Noriega (aka Rosemary's Baby's Playmate) signed off with "TMTH." No doubt a shout-out to his co-Satanists.
Slithering around the stage, looking like a dinner theater Mordred (from Camelot), hissing "Tainted Love," Noriega positively spooked me. I swear that if given a choice of voting for Manuel Noriega over this horned fiend, I would proudly text my support for the Panamanian dictator!
Randy, about whose religious beliefs we know little, was suspiciously supportive of Noriega. Paula, looking more and more Hispanic these days (like a puffy Soledad O'Brien), was typically non-committal. Only Simon had the sense to turn away from the devil and dub him "useless." Noriega naturally gave him the hex, one hand raised to the left side of his head. (How the little Be'elzebub keeps his tail concealed is a big question.) He saluted Simon with another "TMTH." (If you know what this stands for, please advise.)
Then came David Hernandez, the former stripper and lap dancer at Phoenix's fabled Dick's Cabaret. For his video intro, he recounted the story of a photo shoot that ended with him discovering that a walnut-sized booger was hanging from his nose. I was impressed. David came off as appropriately friendly (not lap-dancer friendly) and forthright. That he was willing to discuss a photo shoot stuck me as, well, ballsy, when he knew that we've all been in a dither over those "other" photos circulating. This was a classy way of handling a delicate topic head on.
The Latino Hernandez does have a troubling green-ish tint, like a penny soaked in vinegar. But he should have no problem restoring his proper hue with a little foundation makeup.
More importantly, Hernandez comported himself with dignity during and after his performance of "All Coming Back to Me Now." He was neither scornful (like the poisonous Noriega) nor apologetic. And why should he be?! The guy, no doubt, worked hard for his money. Plus he broke no laws. And whatever you may think of him, he's no devil-worshipper.
I hope I've been objective. Now what do you think?
Mo Rocca has appeared on a bunch of shows, including 'The Daily Show,' 'I Love the 80s,'...
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American Idol: The Stripper and the Satanist
Posted Mar 4th 2008 9:30PM by Mo Rocca
Filed under: American Idol, Mo Rocca
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Mo Rocca appears on a bunch of shows, including CBS News Sunday Morning (with the indescribably wonderful Charles Osgood), The Tonight Show on NBC, and NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! He's a sometime judge on Iron Chef and was featured on Telemundo's Amore Descarado. Last year he starred on Broadway in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. His expose "All the President's Pets" was published by Crown in 2004.
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Reader Comments ( Page 5 of 5)
61. Still Andrea--
I know what you mean about him (John Davidson)! He just doesn't age at all.
Jan at 9:12PM on Mar 5th 2008
62. Miguel, I love you....
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zCL3B5LgUCo
Please, people, lets hear it. SL? Stephanie? Clif? President Arthur?
And John Giza, where are you?!
Gabrielle at 7:22PM on Mar 5th 2008
63. Doesn't TMTH stand for Too Much To Handle? It's a text message abbreviaion.
neenerbeneener at 7:35PM on Mar 5th 2008
64. Ditto Miguel!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ocaGYZbiIfo
America loves you Spain!
FINN at 7:39PM on Mar 5th 2008
65. Thank you.
I know there's a name for me, and it's not used in high society outside of a kennel.
And if there's going to be a bitch in this blog, then there's going to be room for just one.
If this c...hick is going to be snooty, I can be Gwyneth Paltrow.
Spain does it to you, Roccats.
Miguel Cane at 8:26PM on Mar 5th 2008
66. No, No, No...
TMTH does not stand for Too Much Too Handle!
It stands for Teenage Men Turning Homosexual...
Danny and David are continuing a disturbing trend on AI that really began with closet-cases Jim Verraos and Clay Aiken... so maybe we should start calling it GayI???
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gV7Ay48e4wcApKAs33V2xN1jJi0wD8V7J4KG1
FINN at 8:35PM on Mar 5th 2008
67. Good God Finn! Do not EVER refer to Clay Aiken as gay! We'll have the claymates all over our ass and that will be the end of it!
He is just a very effiminate man who loves musicals and never has a girlfriend.....ever.
Gabrielle at 8:44PM on Mar 5th 2008
68. PS Finn, while I've got you here, got any poetry to spare....?
(Yes, I know that was shameless.)
Gabrielle at 8:47PM on Mar 5th 2008
69. Poetry... hmmm...
Okay, here is a poem written by James Gandolfini to Danny Noriega:
I know you can sing
Pop, Soul, or the Blues
But don't knock Santa
Or there'll be no Idol for yous!
http://video.aol.com/video/title/1204822
Merry Frickin' Christmas Danny!
FINN at 9:37PM on Mar 5th 2008
70. Aw Mo,
See. This is why I don't watch A.I.. I don't know anything.
I thought Danny Noriega did a wonderful job. (I watched, as I do most A.I. when recommended to me, on YouTube.)
However, I do have to agree with you on the judging part. After a cool performance, I was dismayed to see D.R.'s immature response to Simon's criticism. He so lacked gravitas. I wish he had just bowed to Simon and said, "Sir, I respectfully disagree."
Yeah, that whole Devil thing was TMTH.
JG ^^
John Giza at 9:38AM on Mar 6th 2008
71. "That vile creature satan wants everyone to die for him."
Oh, Tom, really???
Don't you get it? We all die in the end, and it isn't some mystery of the bible or heaven or hell - those are just fairy tales without the fairies.
Danny is a fairy and I'm not dissing, I can only listen to him, I can't watch. He's got a good voice, poor guy - Paula didn't like the purple hair...
And speaking of Paula - why won't she shut up?
It is extremely painful watching her try to talk during her review, the stuttering, the incomplete thoughts, incomplete sentences - I can't figure out what the hell she talking about most of the time and thankfully TIVO the show so I can FF past her yammering.
Mo!
Tell me what you really think about Paula - does anyone else share my pain?
TJ at 2:28PM on Mar 6th 2008
72. If i choose to partake in American Idol I would vote Noriega. Not just because he is my second cousin. Honest to God, Mo, he is. We've been getting constant "VOTE NORIEGA" phone calls from unknown relatives since this whole hoopla has started. Since our family is mainly composed of catholics we get the important warning of, "But watch out, he's very... GAY"
-father hangs up the telephone-, says "well it doesn't run on OUR side of the family"
Yes, thank God that our side of the family isn't tainted with the... the.. gay gene?
No.. I would totally vote for Noriega. Not because of our familial ties, not because of those purple streaks, but because he IS a satanist. Because, if there is one thing that American Idol lacks, it is satanists. VOTE NORIEGA.
sammantha garcia at 4:52PM on Mar 6th 2008
73. Mo,
I know nothing of this "American Idol" of which you speak, but I certainly applaud your efforts towards good old-fashioned, damn near defunct press corps objectivity.
The Santa/ Satan debate will no doubt rage on indefinitely, as it has since time immemorial.*
I've always preferred gifts, stockings, and one-horse-open sleigh rides to human sacrifices, but let's face it: there's no accounting for tastes.
And God Bless America for giving us, the informed electorate, all the important choices!
Now who's running for what again? And whom do I call about the lap dance? I'm getting ready to text my vote.
Love,
america's first imaginary president... or was that bush? at 2:42AM on Mar 7th 2008
74. Oh My God!
I can't believe this.
My imaginary phone just rang!
It was some British guy named Simon having some sort of self-esteem crisis. He says he's actually very sad inside and doesn't like "hurting people's feelings."
I felt bad for the guy but I don't think it qualifies as a red-phone moment so I told him to call back in the morning.
'Night!
pretend president line one at 2:50AM on Mar 7th 2008