This week on Babble: Melissa Rayworth's dispatch "The Sleepless Generation," about how today's parents are afraid of sleep-training (aka, Ferberizing, cry-it-outing) their children and how, as a result, a lot of kids aren't learning how to put themselves to sleep. Her sidebar about why new parents are especially anxious about this time-honored method is kind of fascinating. Here are two of her five reasons why Gen-X parents are so reluctant to let their kids cry:
1. Talk Shows
In the '80s, long before Dr. Phil, talk show host Phil Donahue provided a televised, national forum for private family drama. Oprah, Geraldo, Sally Jesse and a host of imitators soon jumped on board, and afternoon TV was dominated by talk of messed-up lives. More often than not, parents were to blame. At the movies, we heard it too: The decade started with "Ordinary People" and ended with "Rain Man." In between, we saw "On Golden Pond," "Terms of Endearment" and other Oscar-winning odes to destructive parenting. Even John Hughes explored it. Yes, "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" were about falling in love. But the backdrop was a chronicle of wrongs done by parents. So, the sound of tears at night can trigger awful visions of our kid in therapy - or making out with Judd Nelson.
2. Boomer Backlash
Whether they actually held the title "latch-key kid" or just knew kids who did, Gen X'ers know about the laissez-faire approach to childrearing. To compensate, some of us have become as hands-on as Boomers were hands-off. Even those of us who haven't memorized Dr. Sears' entire library are way more involved in trying to make things go well for our kids than most Boomers were. Making matters worse, we've heard plenty from Boomers about our alleged slacker self-absorption. Who wants to be that kind of parent?
Read the full story here.
What do you think about "cry it out" sleep training? Of our readers, so far "it's child abuse" and "it's a miracle" are neck-and-neck at about 25% each (with another 50% torn). When you answer, say what generation you're from. Our working thesis: Boomers were totally fine with letting their kids figure out how to self-soothe; Gen-Xers, not so much.
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 4)
1. I am a Generation X-er (1965) and the mother of 5 children ranging in age from 13 1/2 to 6 weeks. I tried the cry-it-out method with my first child, which didn't work and resulted in an insecure, clingy child who now suffers from depression and is on medication. I didn't use it with my second child because we lived in a small apartment in military housing and didn't want to wake up the whole building, then when he was about a year we found that if we gave him a baby food smoothie bottle at bedtime (jar of 1st foods, formula and rice cereal), he fell asleep and slept through until morning. The rest of my children have just slept with us, which has resulted in more secure, happier children and more sleep for us.
Rebecca at 3:33PM on May 16th 2008
2. I AM A WWII BABY!!! SO I HOPE I COUNT...I HAD 6 CHILDREN...SOME SLEPT SOME DID NOT. THE ONES WHO HAD INHUMAN INDURANCE IN THE "STAY AWAKE" DEPT. I MADE BEDS ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR AND AFTER THEY FELL ASLEEP I PUT THEM IN BED. I HAD NO PATIENCE FOR THE CRYING, THE HEART RENDING SOUNDS THAT WOULD COME FROM THEM!!! CALL ME A SLACKER, OR WHATEVER...MAYBE CRAZY??? BUT....ALL OF THEM ARE WELL ADJUSTED, EDUCATED FAMILY PEOPLE W KIDS OF THEIR OWN AND GOOD HEARTS, AND MINDS. GO FIGURE, HUH? I WAS WARNED I WAS RAISING KIDS CERTAIN TO BECOME DEMONS OR WORSE..LOL... I SAY, FOLLOW YR INSTINCTS AND THE CRYING OUT METHOD DOES BORDER ON ABUSE IN MY OPINION. TO EACH THEIR OWN..I STAND BY MY OWN.
lois at 3:40PM on May 16th 2008
3. I am a mother of 4. I have a 2,4,6 and 8 year old. ALL are great sleeper's. I also do childcare and all I have cared for a great napper's-even if their parent's say they don't nap or sleep well at home. Children thrive on a routine and they can tell what is expected of them at a very young age. I have NEVER had a cry-out because they are just used to how it is. We do this, we do that, then teeth brushing,prayers, then bed and thats that. Same for naps we have lunch, we play, we read book's, we have a snack and time for nap's got to your bed's please. I don't beleive in children in bed's with parent's at all. What I have witnessed as results have not been good. My children are healthy, happy, out goiing kids. I don't have clingy,whiny children nor are they dispondent. They actually get a feeling of self in their OWN bed and the confidence that follow's with the accomplishment of doing it on their own. So, it's not about the actual night's sleep it's about all even'ts prior to bedtime that will allow you to have a good sleeper.
Sara at 3:53PM on May 16th 2008
4. THERE IS NO NEED TO POST IN ALL CAPS!!!!!! Seriously
dom at 11:47AM on May 17th 2008
5. I'm a Gen Xer. My kids (ages 15 & 12) slept with me as infants. My daughter nursed every 1-1/2 to 2 hours, so it was much easier for us both if I just rolled over to nurse her and then we'd both drift back off to sleep. When they weaned at 2, I transitioned them to their own beds. We did the bedtime story ritual, and there were no major issues. I think you have to do what works best for you AND your baby. For the mom whose baby cries for 30 seconds after being put in the crib and then falls asleep - I don't see a problem with that. But I'd never let my child cry for 2 hours. That's cruel.
hlaredzz at 4:22PM on May 16th 2008
6. Year of birth 1969. I have two daughters ages 16 1/2 and 14 (yes I had them young). Bottle with baby cereal before bed when infants then into the crib, I let them cry no more than about 15 minutes or so. When they hit two they brushed their teeth, got a cup of water and I read them a book while they were laying in their bed then it was time to sleep. I didn't (and still don't care if they say they are not tired) bed time is bed time "why" they would ask - my answer "because I said so and I am the mom."
I can't see letting them cry for 1/2 hour or more but a few minutes is not going to kill them and it teaches them to comfort themselves which is not a bad thing.
GenXer's overreacted to our bad parents, and unfortunately are still doing it.
Relax do what feels right and quit babying your kids. Let them grow up - fail, succeed, or be average quit trying to make everything perfect for them the real world isn't and should not be.
Gina at 4:25PM on May 16th 2008
7. As a mother of a 2 year old, a 1 year old and one on the way, I believe in letting them cry it out. Most of the women I know have all let their kids cry it out. It is not inhumane or a punishement for the child. It is teaching the child to soothe him or herself to sleep. You dont let your child cry for hours on end. You check on them and then if they are alright, you leave the room. Try playing music or give them the same toy or blanket everynight. Not one person I know has had bad experiences from this. And living on a military base, I know a lot of people :). My child's doctor is a firm believer in letting them cry because her favorite thing to let us know is 'a 1 yr old can cry for 3 hours' although my kids have never cried for that long.
Christine at 5:04PM on May 16th 2008
8. I'm a baby boomer (1962), but my wife is Gen-X (1966).
First, we learned to swadle our son. Experts say that if a baby can flail, he will stay awake. If he can't move, he falls asleep.
Then, as he got older, we did the 10-minute rule. When we put our son down, we waited for 10 minutes, unless there was shrieking, i.e., something scared him, before going up.
Now, he is five and has no trouble going to sleep. He also isn't at all clingy.
Kent at 12:54PM on May 17th 2008
9. I'm a Gen Xer with 4 birth children and one adopted ranging in age from 7-16. My older sister demand fed her first baby and nursed her to sleep. Her daughter could not put herself to sleep or sleep through the night until she was at least 3 or 4. She was very anxious without her mother's constant presence and no one else could put her to sleep.
I decided to take a different approach. I nursed my children when they first woke up and then put them down to sleep when they were tired but still awake. Some used a pacifier, some a finger or thumb but all of them learned to fall asleep on their own with only a little crying initially. Once they mastered this skill and were used to our family routine, each one was very happy and seldom fussy. They all slept through the night within 3-4 months and took daily naps. A well-rested child and a well-rested parent make for a happier family. I also used this method with a one year old foster child who reportedly would never nap for her birth mother. Initially I had to pat her back and keep laying her down when she stood up in her crib but within a week she settled into a nap routine and was much happier.
Babies don't know what they need so they count on parents to provide the love and routine to help them fit in to the family.
Carol at 11:37PM on May 16th 2008
10. Birth year 1956. My children have never had a problem going to sleep. My belief is that all kids are more secure with routine. At each stage of their lives there was a little routine prior to bed. When they were really little they slept with us so that if they woke up, no one else in the house would too. After the last bottle, i would clean them up, wipe their gums, and rock with them in a dark room as they got older, the routine became that of washing, brushing teeth, bedtime prayers and a story. Then getting tucked in and a kiss, sometimes there would be a silly game but most times I would shut of the light and they would be out in no time.
Sharon at 4:17AM on May 17th 2008
11. I have 4 children and they are all ages 5 yrs old and under. I do not let mine cry themselves to sleep and never have. I think its wrong and insensitive. sleep training is just ridiculous esp if you are letting a small baby scream..its cruel. Americans are so detached from their children...we expect full nights sleep with newborns,strollers,cribs blah blah blah. In other countries women wear their babies and share family beds. women/families have done these things for centuries it isnt a new concept. so whats the big deal? maybe most so called parenting experts dont know whats best for babies afterall?
jess at 7:01AM on May 17th 2008
12. Crying it out is a form of neglect. It is done for the convenience of the parents not the infants. The only way a baby can let you know it has a need, is by crying. The baby could have a need for food, security, warmth, love etc. Allowing a child to cry it out at certain times, but not others, is inconsistent and confusing for an infant. Sure you can train any child to sleep, orphanages in third world nations do it just because they don't have the resources to parent round the clock. Allowing a child to know they are appreciated, respected and nurtured even if their need comes at 3:00 am will build a much more confident child and baby in the end. World renown infant sleep specialist Dr. James McKenna of the infant child sleep lab has found cosleeping reduces the rate of SIDS. He says infants should not sleep alone. There is a hormone that is released when a mom is nursing that makes her more responsive to her babies cries. They call this the "mothering" hormone. Mothers who tend to nurse their children for at least a year, which is recommended by the American Pediatric Society, or over two years as recommended by the world health organization tend to feed their infants when they need it (on demand) and do not allow them to "cry it out." I think our society is having an epidemic of elective C-sections. It is the first step in parenting by convenience. They can't wait for the child to decide when they are ready to be born they want to control it, and put the birth into their calendar. Parenting for convenience usually puts infants on strict schedules (for the convenience of the parents) and hires sleep specialists, again for the convenience of the parents. I own a baby store and am amazed that someone will spends thousands on a crib, bedding, and sleep specialist, yet not even attend a breastfeeding class. Just because parents are responsive to their babies needs does not mean the child sleeps less, usually it is the opposite. The childs needs are met and they don't cry and get wide awake. I was in tuned to my infants early hunger cues and as a result our whole household slept better because the babies did't cry unless something was really wrong. I have had three children all three I raised the same co-slept with them as an infant and then they slept in their own beds when they were ready between the ages of one and three. All of them sleep through the night beautifully. They are well adjusted extremely bright kids, ages 12, 10 and 3.
Krysten Paynter at 10:14AM on May 18th 2008
13. I don't see what the big deal is....child abuse? seriously, that's what we're arguing here?
i could see if it was depriving your infant of food until he did a backflip, or punched him in the mouth until he sang the national anthem, but letting them cry for a few minutes?
really?
OH MY GOD THE BABY IS CRYING!!! IT'S BROKEN!!!! IT'S WAILING OUR ABUSES TO THE WORLD!!!!
hannah at 7:29AM on May 17th 2008
14. wow! I can honestly say that in reguards to the 1 yr old crying for 3 hrs comment ,that any doc who told me a 1 yr old can cry for 3 hrs and say that in confidence and promote that too wouldnt be seeing me or my children EVER.I would be taking my butt to tricare and changing asap.
jess at 7:37AM on May 17th 2008
15. I see absolutely nothing wrong with letting a baby/vhild cry it out. It is what our pediatrician said to do, so I did it. I must add that we were told to wait for a particular baby weight to start this as below that weight, the child really did need extra nutrition during the night. It worked. I think it is a good thing. How else will a child learn to comfort him/herself? This is the first of many lifeskills.
Valerie at 7:40AM on May 17th 2008