This week on Babble: Melissa Rayworth's dispatch "The Sleepless Generation," about how today's parents are afraid of sleep-training (aka, Ferberizing, cry-it-outing) their children and how, as a result, a lot of kids aren't learning how to put themselves to sleep. Her sidebar about why new parents are especially anxious about this time-honored method is kind of fascinating. Here are two of her five reasons why Gen-X parents are so reluctant to let their kids cry:
1. Talk Shows
In the '80s, long before Dr. Phil, talk show host Phil Donahue provided a televised, national forum for private family drama. Oprah, Geraldo, Sally Jesse and a host of imitators soon jumped on board, and afternoon TV was dominated by talk of messed-up lives. More often than not, parents were to blame. At the movies, we heard it too: The decade started with "Ordinary People" and ended with "Rain Man." In between, we saw "On Golden Pond," "Terms of Endearment" and other Oscar-winning odes to destructive parenting. Even John Hughes explored it. Yes, "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" were about falling in love. But the backdrop was a chronicle of wrongs done by parents. So, the sound of tears at night can trigger awful visions of our kid in therapy - or making out with Judd Nelson.
2. Boomer Backlash
Whether they actually held the title "latch-key kid" or just knew kids who did, Gen X'ers know about the laissez-faire approach to childrearing. To compensate, some of us have become as hands-on as Boomers were hands-off. Even those of us who haven't memorized Dr. Sears' entire library are way more involved in trying to make things go well for our kids than most Boomers were. Making matters worse, we've heard plenty from Boomers about our alleged slacker self-absorption. Who wants to be that kind of parent?
Read the full story here.
What do you think about "cry it out" sleep training? Of our readers, so far "it's child abuse" and "it's a miracle" are neck-and-neck at about 25% each (with another 50% torn). When you answer, say what generation you're from. Our working thesis: Boomers were totally fine with letting their kids figure out how to self-soothe; Gen-Xers, not so much.
Reader Comments ( Page 2 of 4)
16. I'm a Gen Xer and have five kids, 17, 14, 13, 7, and 3.
I Ferberized my first three, and it worked at first. But the upshot was I spent years worrying that they should be sleeping through the night, stressing over it . . . and all of them were still having troubles and climbing in bed with us in the middle of the night until age 6 or so.
So I tried something different with number 4. He never slept in a crib, but only with me when I nursed him to sleep. I never stressed about about when or how long he slept. Around age two I transitioned him to a mattress on my floow. At three I moved the mattress to his own room and started weaning him away from nursing to sleep. i'd say, I'll come in a minute and he's be asleep by the time I got there. Sometimes he'd call to me in the night, but it would only take a second for him to go right back to sleep. He's now the best sleeper in the house, asks to go to sleep when he's tired, never wakes at night, and gets up when he is supposed to. I'm doing the same thing with the baby, who is on the mattress on the floor now, frequently falls asleep on her own when she is tired, and rarely wakes at night.
Sleep training is cruel, and it doesn't work in the long term. Meeting children's needs until they are ready to sleep on their own, moving slowly, and not stressing is what has worked best in our house.
Leslie at 12:05PM on May 17th 2008
17. Born 1964; mother of four. The bottom line is....all kids are different. All people are different. Parents know their children better than anyone. Do what feels right. My first born (1982) would fall asleep on the sofa and I'd tuck him in bed each night. Second born(1983)loved to be rocked. We read a story each night and then I rocked him. First born would fall asleep while I rocked second and I'd tuck them both in. 3rd child: she loved to sleep with someone. After story time, I'd tuck her in her crib and pat her bottom for a couple of minutes and she'd fall asleep. Everyone once in a while, she wouldn't and would fuss. One of her brothers would go in and climb in the crib and curl up with her (usually second born...he was 3). I'd tuck him in his own bed when I went to bed. 4th child.....I read to all my children EVERY night....he'd be asleep before the second chapter. Love them and enjoy their differences. Don't allow other people and their opinions to matter....you know your child better than anyone (even new parents)....do what feels right. If they are crying for a few minutes and your shaking and stressed out listening to it, you're not doing the right thing and your heart/body/mind are telling you....go hold your child.
Kathy Tegen at 12:41PM on May 17th 2008
18. When an infant cries, it is because something is wrong. That 'wrong' may be real or perceived but their feelings are valid nonetheless and should be addressed. If you want you child to turn to you as he or she grows up (and maybe at times thereafter) they need to be made to feel instinctively that they can do so. While they may not have a conscious memory of whether or not they were 'sleep-trained', you can bet they will have a subconscious impression of whether they felt secure when they were most vulnerable. It all starts in infancy--and this is not a dress rehearsal!!
Keith J. Mohrhoff at 12:53PM on May 17th 2008
19. I'm a baby boomer (1962), but my wife is Gen-X (1966).
First, we learned to swadle our son. Experts say that if a baby can flail, he will stay awake. If he can't move, he falls asleep.
Then, as he got older, we did the 10-minute rule. When we put our son down, we waited for 10 minutes, unless there was shrieking, i.e., something scared him, before going up.
Now, he is five and has no trouble going to sleep. He also isn't at all clingy.
Kent at 12:54PM on May 17th 2008
20. I am a 70-year-old grandfather and have noticed that kids coming of age in the 60s and 70s were proud to be members showing a "generation gap". Without trying to do so these kids, now parents, have unwittingly taught their own children to form an even bigger "gap" between the generations. What goes around comes around!
Bob at 2:26PM on May 17th 2008
21. Think about it. Why would it be natural for an infant to sleep alone? Does this occur with any other primate? No, it doesn't.
tfitz1017 at 4:31PM on May 17th 2008
22. Born 1982. I have a 4 and a 2 year old. I prefer to evidence-based parent. Evidence from years of longitudinal studies show that "controlled crying" is ineffectual in the long term leading to future sleep disturbances, as well as emotional and psychological deficits. Sleep training is a myth that preys on the insecurities of isolated parents in a society that doesn't value children.
I wouldn't call it abuse (unless one is leaving a child to cry out of malicious intent, which a vast majority of parents would never do). I do call it ignorance, however, sometimes willfully, sometimes through a lack of education. And it does, at times, border on neglect.
Jessica at 10:18PM on May 17th 2008
23. --Child abuse--
The idea that children (BABIES!!!) need to learn to sleep alone is just absurd.
It really is a recent development, and largely only in this country, that it was considered proper to put a newborn in a separate room from its mother.
1963 - 4 children -- I nursed all my children (like mothers have done for EONS) before bottles and formula came along, and it made perfcet sense for my baby and I to sleep together. They feel safe, too!
mary at 10:41PM on May 17th 2008
24. I was born in 1959, so I am on the tail end of baby boomer. I was always responsive to my babies' needs. I bottle fed, but I held them every time I fed them. I never let my children cry themselves to sleep. I did a lot of bottom patting and singing of lullabies. When they were older they were told their bedtime and sent to bed. If they weren't tired they were to read themselves to sleep. First grade and beyond. My first daughter was a wonderful sleeper and would take up to 3 hour naps and slept through the night at 2 months. I was worried she slept too much. My next daughter would nap only fifteen or twenty minutes if I didn't hold her,and I did often and I didn't mind. I loved her. She did sleep all night long at 6 weeks, probably because of the short naps. Both my children are well adjusted sleepers now. 16 and 19 years old. You have to adjust your style to your child. A loving parent will be able to do this because she knows her child so well. So what if their schedule doesn't match yours and you have some broken sleep. Get used to it. Even when they older and are sick in the middle of the night they still want Mom and Dad and come wake you up.
pat at 1:11AM on May 18th 2008
25. Training an infant is a ridiculous concept. Children are programmed to cry when they are in pain. When someone comes and helps them feel better it builds trust. When someone doesn't come they learn isolation and despair. Infancy is the time to build trust. Self reliance comes later when children are old enough to explore their world and handle simple problems. If a child doesn't learn to trust in infancy they are emotionally crippled for life.
Possibly even crippled enough to let their own child cry for an hour instead of comforting them. Crippled enought to be secure in the self justification that someone with an MD degree who never studied child psychology, said it was right. Even an older child may need to be comforted when they cry. The point is to avoid it being a power struggle so that the child starts manipulating you.
The way you do that is to comfort them if they cry when they are young so they don't see bedtime as an issue, always make bedtime the same time when they get a bit older like 2 and have a ritual like books. Be patient and check on them if they are having a bad night but don't let the playtime action start again. Its not always easy but letting them know you love them, they are not abandoned, and that it is time to sleep eventually pay off with happy self reliant children. I feel very sorry for any child left to cry for more than a couple minutes. Even worse is a child left to cry for 15 minutes or more and then rescued. They learn the heart destroying lesson that no one comes and they become monsters because they learn that if you don't get your way cry harder.
ratpyan at 9:23AM on May 18th 2008
26. Crying it out is a form of neglect. It is done for the convenience of the parents not the infants. The only way a baby can let you know it has a need, is by crying. The baby could have a need for food, security, warmth, love etc. Allowing a child to cry it out at certain times, but not others, is inconsistent and confusing for an infant. Sure you can train any child to sleep, orphanages in third world nations do it just because they don't have the resources to parent round the clock. Allowing a child to know they are appreciated, respected and nurtured even if their need comes at 3:00 am will build a much more confident child and baby in the end. World renown infant sleep specialist Dr. James McKenna of the infant child sleep lab has found cosleeping reduces the rate of SIDS. He says infants should not sleep alone. There is a hormone that is released when a mom is nursing that makes her more responsive to her babies cries. They call this the "mothering" hormone. Mothers who tend to nurse their children for at least a year, which is recommended by the American Pediatric Society, or over two years as recommended by the world health organization tend to feed their infants when they need it (on demand) and do not allow them to "cry it out." I think our society is having an epidemic of elective C-sections. It is the first step in parenting by convenience. They can't wait for the child to decide when they are ready to be born they want to control it, and put the birth into their calendar. Parenting for convenience usually puts infants on strict schedules (for the convenience of the parents) and hires sleep specialists, again for the convenience of the parents. I own a baby store and am amazed that someone will spends thousands on a crib, bedding, and sleep specialist, yet not even attend a breastfeeding class. Just because parents are responsive to their babies needs does not mean the child sleeps less, usually it is the opposite. The childs needs are met and they don't cry and get wide awake. I was in tuned to my infants early hunger cues and as a result our whole household slept better because the babies did't cry unless something was really wrong. I have had three children all three I raised the same co-slept with them as an infant and then they slept in their own beds when they were ready between the ages of one and three. All of them sleep through the night beautifully. They are well adjusted extremely bright kids, ages 12, 10 and 3.
Krysten Paynter at 10:14AM on May 18th 2008
27. Let's see. I was born in 1962, so I'm a straggling baby-boomer. I have no children of my own, thank goodness! My parents were older (mom, 38, dad, 41)when I was born. I have 2 much older (57 and 59)brothers. I was basically an only child. My mom did the "cry yourself to sleep" with all of us. I would actually climb out of the crib when I was little, so if I WASN'T crying, it was cause for concern. Mom's adage was "get the kids used to noise so they can sleep anywhere" To this day, I still use the TV to help me fall asleep. Friends might tell me otherwise, but I'm a fairly "normal" person, whatever THAT means.
Unfortunately, parenting seems to have become more of a "let's be buddies" kind of thing. I think parents need to focus more on their children and give them some boundaries to work with. Today, the image is Mom on a cell phone, "driving" an SUV she can barely climb into, doing everything but driving. Understand you may have to work, too, but often times that's because you are living WAY PAST your means. My oldest brother was a stay-at-home dad, but his family lived at a modest level. You can't have everything!
Marty at 12:44PM on May 18th 2008
28. I was born in 1959 and I have nine children, ages 29 to 9. Starting with my second child, I breastfed with the baby's cues, co-slept and used a soft carrier to keep my babies close to me all the time. With a large and busy household, this ensured that I had plenty of one on one time with my infants and toddlers as they grew. Nighttime issues were kept to a minimum by keeping all activities at night low keyed, in the dark, with low voices and minimal disruption. My babies learned to sleep when I slept and we got along just fine. Sometimes when there was an especially trying time, teething or head colds or the normal fussy times babies go through, we would sleep in the recliner together.
No one has ever accused my kids of being clingy, whiny or spoiled. We believed that babies needed human contact and connection. If I had trouble sleeping alone when my husband was deployed, why would I think a helpless infant should be able to handle the entire night alone? It is nice to have someone close by to make the night feel safer and more secure, whether you are 2 weeks old or 20 years old or 60 years old.
As an aside, my middle child is severely autistic, non verbal and with many sensory issues. But one thing about him that constantly amazes those who help us care for him is how affectionate and connected to people he is, traits that are often lacking in autistic people. I like to think that by keeping him close to me with breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby-wearing, I helped him overcome, to a degree, his natural bent toward isolation and disconnection. For that, I would gladly give up sleep for myself. But honestly, I didn't have to give up that much sleep, we all slept just fine together over the years.
Bottom line, trust your instincts. Know your children. Parent them, don't just "raise" them. You cannot spoil any relationship by acting in a loving way, and that means doing what is best for the other person, not just what is easiest or the least trouble today.
Patti at 2:16PM on May 18th 2008
29. Those parents who let their children cry themselves to sleep...why do you have ears to hear? Perhaps it is because God can't believe that your heart is so cold... and He endlessly hopes that you will come to your senses and go to your child.
The Goddess Athena at 3:55PM on May 18th 2008
30. I see nothing wrong with sleep training. I also see nothing wrong with jumping up and comforting your child's every wimper. I see nothing wrong with inbetween approaches. We as a society are too concerned with what "other parents" do. We spend too much energy criticizing "other parents" if they do not raise their children the way "we" do. Get over it. Different families do it differently and always will.
Val at 4:43PM on May 18th 2008