This week on Babble: Melissa Rayworth's dispatch "The Sleepless Generation," about how today's parents are afraid of sleep-training (aka, Ferberizing, cry-it-outing) their children and how, as a result, a lot of kids aren't learning how to put themselves to sleep. Her sidebar about why new parents are especially anxious about this time-honored method is kind of fascinating. Here are two of her five reasons why Gen-X parents are so reluctant to let their kids cry:
1. Talk Shows
In the '80s, long before Dr. Phil, talk show host Phil Donahue provided a televised, national forum for private family drama. Oprah, Geraldo, Sally Jesse and a host of imitators soon jumped on board, and afternoon TV was dominated by talk of messed-up lives. More often than not, parents were to blame. At the movies, we heard it too: The decade started with "Ordinary People" and ended with "Rain Man." In between, we saw "On Golden Pond," "Terms of Endearment" and other Oscar-winning odes to destructive parenting. Even John Hughes explored it. Yes, "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" were about falling in love. But the backdrop was a chronicle of wrongs done by parents. So, the sound of tears at night can trigger awful visions of our kid in therapy - or making out with Judd Nelson.
2. Boomer Backlash
Whether they actually held the title "latch-key kid" or just knew kids who did, Gen X'ers know about the laissez-faire approach to childrearing. To compensate, some of us have become as hands-on as Boomers were hands-off. Even those of us who haven't memorized Dr. Sears' entire library are way more involved in trying to make things go well for our kids than most Boomers were. Making matters worse, we've heard plenty from Boomers about our alleged slacker self-absorption. Who wants to be that kind of parent?
Read the full story here.
What do you think about "cry it out" sleep training? Of our readers, so far "it's child abuse" and "it's a miracle" are neck-and-neck at about 25% each (with another 50% torn). When you answer, say what generation you're from. Our working thesis: Boomers were totally fine with letting their kids figure out how to self-soothe; Gen-Xers, not so much.
Reader Comments ( Page 3 of 4)
31. Those parents who let their children cry themselves to sleep...why do you have ears to hear? Perhaps it is because God can't believe that your heart is so cold... and He endlessly hopes that you will come to your senses and go to your child.
The Goddess Athena at 3:55PM on May 18th 2008
32. I see nothing wrong with sleep training. I also see nothing wrong with jumping up and comforting your child's every wimper. I see nothing wrong with inbetween approaches. We as a society are too concerned with what "other parents" do. We spend too much energy criticizing "other parents" if they do not raise their children the way "we" do. Get over it. Different families do it differently and always will.
Val at 4:43PM on May 18th 2008
33. My mother didn't have a choice. She had to let me fall asleep crying because I cried all the time. I slept in a drawer because my parents didn't have any money. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, I think it's different for everyone. I don't know if I'd let my child cry themselves to sleep because I don't have children, I do have 4 neices that I love with all my heart and would do anything for. When I do have children, I will do what I feel is right. All of you saying it's child abuse need to read up. It's not always a choice. Sometimes they need to cry themselves to sleep in order to learn that they have to comfort themselves.
Goddess at 7:14AM on May 19th 2008
34. Born in 1965, I am a 'cusper' too young to be a baby-boomer, too old to be a gen-X...but I was traumatized by my mother's militaristic approach to bedtime...she put us to bed at 8 p.m. (even into middle school) because everyone had to be asleep before she went to bed. My reaction? No bed times. None. Keep a house as childproof as can be, and everyone falls asleep where-ever, when-ever. I now have teens that sleep more than any other teens, because they sleep when they are tired. I have teens that take naps...for goodness sake! We never, ever had bedtime battles. My sister, a true Gen-Xer has had a bedtime war with her 3 kids each and every single night for the last 6 years...one who will scream for 2 hours everynight, one who insists in crawling into bed with mom/dad...YIKES
markatjac at 5:02PM on May 18th 2008
35. My kids are 14,8 and 5. My kids were put to bed, alone, and left there. Alone. If they cried for a few minutes, so be it. They are happy and healthy. Y'all people stress over stupid crap.
Diane at 5:14PM on May 18th 2008
36. Born in 1952. I listened to the advocates of "let 'em cry themselves to sleep." I thought it was crazy back then and I still do. Yeah, right. I'm going to let my child cry theirself sick. Can we have some common sense here? I read one of the entries that said routine is best. I agree. You know, we need to comfort ourselves. Whether it's a prayer, a ritual or whatever, let's bring some peace into our lives and our children's lives.
Cris at 5:33PM on May 18th 2008
37. i wouldn't exactly call the crying it out method child abuse, but i do think that in the process of developing attachment infants should get a timely response from their primary caregivers, lest they discover the world is a lonely, frightening place. infants are also learning to communicate with and control their environments through the only language they have - that's a good thing for cognitive development as well. self-sufficiency will eventually result. in my own experience i've found that young children are more likely to want to explore independence when they are secure in their attachments to parents. i completely agree with sara that routine is extremely important to getting the little ones to sleep through, but with a first child, that can take a while to establish. also, i always had a twin bed set up in the kid's rooms for those occassions when they needed a little more comfort, ie. when sick, but never were they invited to sleep in the parents' bed. we are all happy well-rested adults now.
julie at 6:34PM on May 18th 2008
38. Firmly letting your two year old know that he is going to bed (and getting a star) is not the same as letting any child cry for three hours. That is heartless. I am a Nana, and I find when I keep the grands, they are easier to manage if I have a regular routine, if they have had some physically active play time either outdoors or in during the day, and if they are fed (have plenty of water/juice, raisins, bananas, mandarin oranges, and Cheerios for snack). My rules are simple, Keep them fed, keep them engaged, and don't wake them up! My daughter began training her 14 mo. old how to sleep alone at nap times during the day. Children are deeply attached to the caregiving parent, and cannot be expected to wean themselves and presto, go to bed without some serious training and reassurance. Also it helps to place children in a play crib for several brief ( 30-40 minutes) during the day so they learn to be alone and self consoled. Even when your child is in the play crib- in a nearby room, you can speak to them, including them in your activites, and responding to their play. Pay attention to your babe - she will begin to yawn, lay down in her play crib, and give you signs that she is hungry, thirsty or sleepy.
phyllis jones at 6:40PM on May 18th 2008
39. 1970 - My first was a difficult sleeper (I think it was all me, not her). I didn't let her cry it out and had her sleep in my bed most of the time. It wasn't until she was 5 years old that she could lie down and go to sleep by herself. I wish that I had let her cry it out - it would have been better for everyone in the family.
My second child - piece of cake. Goes to sleep by himself. I don't recall ever letting him cry it out - I think he just liked his crib and he liked to sleep. Still does.
Jane at 6:39PM on May 18th 2008
40. i just read the comment from chris that appears right above mine and i don't think anyone has said this better - interaction with our children is all about comfort for both parent and child - lets hope the children can find it at home because we know there is no other place in the world that will offer it like we can. i was born 1954 - guess "peace" is still the word for us. peace, chris.
julie at 6:47PM on May 18th 2008
41. I don't think that there is anything wrong with self soothing as long as the child is checked on periodically. I don't think that the child should be left to cry for hrs., but 15-30 mins. isn't going to harm the child. My little girl is 4 now and it only took maybe 2 nights to get her straight. She has been sleeping in her own bedroom alone since maybe 4-5 months of age. as far as her learning skills and physical health are concerned, she is very smart and very healthy just as a 4 year old should be. (SHE IS MY HEART:)
Heidi at 7:25PM on May 18th 2008
42. I always rocked my babies to sleep..if they woke up and cried a bit that was to be expected and I allowed it for a little bit. 9 times out of 10 they were quickly back to sleep. If they were not I checked to see--were they clean? were they dry? was anything else wrong? I might even sit at the door and peek in..but I did not allow them to train ME that crying would get them back up and in Mommy's lap rocking again. I had very little trouble teaching them that their bed was the place for sleep. My children were dearly loved and never neglected for a moment..and grew up to be wonderful adults and parents. Of course children would rather be up, or rather sleep with Mom and Dad--and they learn that crying most often wears Mom down, as she is tired and they will get what they most desire if they hold out long enough..it's a matter of who is teaching who what.
Sofie at 11:31PM on May 18th 2008
43. Go Andrea! I totally agree with you. And sometimes if a baby won't settle down to sleep, there might actually be an issue, like gas or an upset tummy. Then they need a little extra comforting, not to be left alone to scream.
Lisa at 9:51PM on May 18th 2008
44. Birth year 1968
My mother is part Asian. I never left my child alone to cry. He is now 18 and his self confidence barely fits into the house. At the same time he is loving and helpful and cares about what I say, which seems quite different than his peers.
I gotta say only in a wealthy country like America would this topic be under serious debate. We have a thing in our collective heads about independence. Seriously talking about encouraging independence in babies? In babies? Let's talk practical: in most of the world there is more than one child to a room. I doubt anyone would let a baby cry for even 15 minutes if it meant keeping the whole house awake. In much of the world babies are breastfed. In many areas people live in a home that is one big room partitioned off into different sections.
When my son was young I was surrounded by parents who allowed their children to cry ... it seemed like constantly. I was always hearing how their son was doing this on his own and that on his own. Parents bragging about how they were raising their children to basically NOT need them. I was considered overprotective and overindulgent.
Now I am surrounded by parents who constantly lament the fact that their children don't need them and won't listen to them. Teenagers who don't look to their parents for comfort or guidence. Teenagers who live their own lives independent of their parents ... except for money of course.
Am I the only one who sees cause and effect there?
Joan
Joan at 11:54PM on May 18th 2008
45. There is one reason why my son goes to bed at 7:30. I want to talk to my wife for 2 hours or so, before she goes to bed, without being interrupted to, "watch this," "fix this," or "play with me."
The other problem is that our son will get up by 6:30, regardless whether he falls asleep at 7:45 or 10:15. So, if we let him stay up, he would deprive himself of sleep. This is a kid who will never admit that he's tired.
Kent at 1:30PM on May 20th 2008