This week on Babble: Melissa Rayworth's dispatch "The Sleepless Generation," about how today's parents are afraid of sleep-training (aka, Ferberizing, cry-it-outing) their children and how, as a result, a lot of kids aren't learning how to put themselves to sleep. Her sidebar about why new parents are especially anxious about this time-honored method is kind of fascinating. Here are two of her five reasons why Gen-X parents are so reluctant to let their kids cry:
1. Talk Shows
In the '80s, long before Dr. Phil, talk show host Phil Donahue provided a televised, national forum for private family drama. Oprah, Geraldo, Sally Jesse and a host of imitators soon jumped on board, and afternoon TV was dominated by talk of messed-up lives. More often than not, parents were to blame. At the movies, we heard it too: The decade started with "Ordinary People" and ended with "Rain Man." In between, we saw "On Golden Pond," "Terms of Endearment" and other Oscar-winning odes to destructive parenting. Even John Hughes explored it. Yes, "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" were about falling in love. But the backdrop was a chronicle of wrongs done by parents. So, the sound of tears at night can trigger awful visions of our kid in therapy - or making out with Judd Nelson.
2. Boomer Backlash
Whether they actually held the title "latch-key kid" or just knew kids who did, Gen X'ers know about the laissez-faire approach to childrearing. To compensate, some of us have become as hands-on as Boomers were hands-off. Even those of us who haven't memorized Dr. Sears' entire library are way more involved in trying to make things go well for our kids than most Boomers were. Making matters worse, we've heard plenty from Boomers about our alleged slacker self-absorption. Who wants to be that kind of parent?
Read the full story here.
What do you think about "cry it out" sleep training? Of our readers, so far "it's child abuse" and "it's a miracle" are neck-and-neck at about 25% each (with another 50% torn). When you answer, say what generation you're from. Our working thesis: Boomers were totally fine with letting their kids figure out how to self-soothe; Gen-Xers, not so much.
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 4)
46. My mother didn't have a choice. She had to let me fall asleep crying because I cried all the time. I slept in a drawer because my parents didn't have any money. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, I think it's different for everyone. I don't know if I'd let my child cry themselves to sleep because I don't have children, I do have 4 neices that I love with all my heart and would do anything for. When I do have children, I will do what I feel is right. All of you saying it's child abuse need to read up. It's not always a choice. Sometimes they need to cry themselves to sleep in order to learn that they have to comfort themselves.
Goddess at 7:14AM on May 19th 2008
47. I'd have to disagree with the completely unimportant statement that the Breakfast Club was about falling in love. It was hardly about anything.
Strados at 7:18AM on May 19th 2008
48. I don't think that our problem with child behavior in America today is as related to their sleeping habits as much as the parenting habits of the current parent generation. So much emphasis on avoiding failure, getting EVERYTHING they want, look at the product. Kids who blame everyone and everything else except themselves when they fail, and expect to get everything handed to them and done for them. High school kids who ask the teacher to give them a piece of paper instead of actually getting up and getting it themselves. Kids who actually conspire to accuse teachers of sexual harassment because they were failing, or didn't like them.
And then the children having children, who have no idea how to raise children. It's fast becoming a downward spiral, hopefully we realize and hit bottom soon so we can come back up from this mess and start raising responsible citizens again.
God bless those of you who still do.
Strados at 8:02AM on May 19th 2008
49. Don't say sleep training is ridiculous until you have had a 10 month old baby who has never slept through the night without you holding him. There is a time and a place for everything. Sleep training is NOT letting your newborn baby cry, or your colicky baby cry, or your sick baby cry, etc. It is teaching a healthy baby who is NOT hungry, NOT messy, NOT in pain . . . to learn how to sleep. You don't let the baby cry for two hours. Mine was baby number six . . . and a friend gave me a great book on sleep training. Let him cry for 10 minutes, went in and patted him and spoke to him, next ten minutes he fell asleep. FIRST TIME EVER. None of us can stand to hear our children cry. There is a wrong way and a right way to do sleep training.
Annie at 10:15AM on May 19th 2008
50. A great article on this (why it's best to co-sleep or at least not let baby CRY it out!) was written by Robert Wright in Time April 14, 1997.
Don't know if it's available online somewhere, but I saved it because I got much flack from family and friends for not letting my children cry it out and for co-sleeping while nursing.
But I knew I was right!!!!
mary at 10:30AM on May 19th 2008
51. I used it with my six kids also and it worked very well. You only have to do it for one week, and the whole time, you go in and check on the baby every fifteen minutes, give them a pacifier, pat thier back, and go back out. They still know that you are there, and you are not abandoning them. What you ARE doing is not getting them into the habit of eating in the middle of the night, and waking them all the way up with noise, and getting picked up.
They learn that nightime is for sleeping after one week.
Even a grown person would be hungry in the middle of the night if they ate every night at 2am-you are developing habits by feeding them that late.
All six of my kids slept straight through the night till 9am after doing it. Short story: the one child that my husband did not want to let cry was our fourth child. He was adamant about getting up with him nightly, and I let him. I told him let me know when he was ready for the sleep training. After about two weeks of sleep deprived nights, he handed the baby over. I began that night. After four days, we were all sleeping through the night peacefully. The baby today is ten and in gifterd classes. No depression, no self esteem issues. Amazingly enough we dont remember our infancy.
The training went like this: I fed them all day, and twice before bedtime (11:00pm) on a schedule. At 11:00, we placed them in the bed, and patted them, and rocked thier cradles, and as they began to cry, we would leave for fifteen minutes at a time. Lights out, to signify night hours.
After about two to three trips, they would be asleep. if they wake up, check thier diaper quietly, and pat them again, give them a pacifier (if they take one) and go out until they go back to sleep. After four to five days, when I would lay them down at 11:00 they would automatically go to sleep. I wouldnt have to deal with fussy anti-bedtime behavior. The wouldnt wake up either in the night. If they did, they would go right back to slepp on thier own. In the morning, I'd get up feed them again. It was great.
If anyone disagrees, that's thier own problem. I am no child rearing expert, but It worked for all six of my kids, and I would recommend it to everyone.
Myckelle at 10:53AM on May 19th 2008
52. Born in 48, 5 kids from 16-35. None ever cried it out, they got in bed with me if needed, they do outgrow this so it is only temporary. Never had bedtime issues with any of them, bedtime routines, calmness, love, reassurance, and the ability to climb in bed with mom if needed, made my kids very self confident and happy. I think crying it out for hours is child abuse, and would not recommend it to anyone.
Lyn at 11:00AM on May 19th 2008
53. ARE ALL OF YOU CRAZY? WHAT HAPPENED WITH A COZY BED WITH A MOM OR DAD READING TO A CHILD OR TELLING FAB STORIES TO PUT THEM TO SLEEP? WHAT HAPPENED TO HUG YOUR CHILD INSTEAD OF "ABANDON" HIM? YOU GUYS ARE ALL NUTS! YOUR "ABANDONED" CHILDREN WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP CAUSE YOU ARE MAKING THEM FEEL NERVOUS AND NON-BELOVED- YOU ARE ALL A-HOLES!
rivirivi at 12:14PM on May 19th 2008
54. There is one reason why my son goes to bed at 7:30. I want to talk to my wife for 2 hours or so, before she goes to bed, without being interrupted to, "watch this," "fix this," or "play with me."
The other problem is that our son will get up by 6:30, regardless whether he falls asleep at 7:45 or 10:15. So, if we let him stay up, he would deprive himself of sleep. This is a kid who will never admit that he's tired.
Kent at 1:30PM on May 20th 2008
55. I am a gen x-er, born in 1974. I had three children in less than three years. Not one of them was left to cry alone. Teaching our children to soothe themselves to sleep involves actually TEACHING them. Singing softly, rocking, snuggling, helping them get back to sleep. All of my kids sleep well and can easily get themselves to sleep.
Leaving them to scream alone only teaches them they aren't worthy of comfort. When I cry, I like my husband to be there for me, to comfort me. Why wouldn't my children deserve that same respect?
I don't get why comforting one's children is seen as a bad thing. Mind boggling. Oh, and for what it's worth, my parents, of the boomer generation, also did not leave us to scream ourselves to sleep. We coslept and if we cried, my mom took care of us.
andrea at 6:27PM on Jun 21st 2008