This week on Babble: Melissa Rayworth's dispatch "The Sleepless Generation," about how today's parents are afraid of sleep-training (aka, Ferberizing, cry-it-outing) their children and how, as a result, a lot of kids aren't learning how to put themselves to sleep. Her sidebar about why new parents are especially anxious about this time-honored method is kind of fascinating. Here are two of her five reasons why Gen-X parents are so reluctant to let their kids cry:
1. Talk Shows
In the '80s, long before Dr. Phil, talk show host Phil Donahue provided a televised, national forum for private family drama. Oprah, Geraldo, Sally Jesse and a host of imitators soon jumped on board, and afternoon TV was dominated by talk of messed-up lives. More often than not, parents were to blame. At the movies, we heard it too: The decade started with "Ordinary People" and ended with "Rain Man." In between, we saw "On Golden Pond," "Terms of Endearment" and other Oscar-winning odes to destructive parenting. Even John Hughes explored it. Yes, "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" were about falling in love. But the backdrop was a chronicle of wrongs done by parents. So, the sound of tears at night can trigger awful visions of our kid in therapy - or making out with Judd Nelson.
2. Boomer Backlash
Whether they actually held the title "latch-key kid" or just knew kids who did, Gen X'ers know about the laissez-faire approach to childrearing. To compensate, some of us have become as hands-on as Boomers were hands-off. Even those of us who haven't memorized Dr. Sears' entire library are way more involved in trying to make things go well for our kids than most Boomers were. Making matters worse, we've heard plenty from Boomers about our alleged slacker self-absorption. Who wants to be that kind of parent?
Read the full story here.
What do you think about "cry it out" sleep training? Of our readers, so far "it's child abuse" and "it's a miracle" are neck-and-neck at about 25% each (with another 50% torn). When you answer, say what generation you're from. Our working thesis: Boomers were totally fine with letting their kids figure out how to self-soothe; Gen-Xers, not so much.
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 4)
46. Born 1963, never let my baby cry it out, don't care if you do or not. I couldn't bear to hear my baby cry, she was my one and only and I spoiled her with love. She is now 27 and we have a very close relationship. She is living with me and my husband and her three kids ages 8,3, and 2. We don't let them cry it out either. If they wake up in the night, they know they can come to our bed and snuggle. Now, if I could only get them to stop getting in the fridge and smashing all my eggs...that would be something!
curliepwincess at 3:28AM on May 19th 2008
47. I was born in '58,and have a 14 and a 19-year old.
They had some trouble sleeping as infants,but once they were walking I just kept them busy and active.
They were always good and tired by bedtime.Now they are well adjusted,in better shape than most of their friends,and still stay active and get regulsr exercise.We still get together for long bike rides on the trails around town.
Bill Triebel at 3:45AM on May 19th 2008
48. In my humble opinion I think its closer to child abuse than not. I firmly believe in co-sleeping which has been around since the dawn of time. What other mammal besides humans have their babies sleep so far away from them? A bear doesn't have her cub sleeping in the next cave over. As far as the "crying it out" I feel its being lazy. It doesn't teach self soothing, it teaches babies to give up. Their cries (their only form of communication) will be ignored, their parents will not be there for them when they are in need. Besides "self soothing" at that age isn't necessarily a good thing, generally thumbs get sucked (which is just a habit you will need to deal with down the road). Inside the womb a baby is used to being held 24/7, there is constant warmth, always a full belly, the rhythm of Mommy walking (which is turn rocks the baby), and the reassuring sound of her heartbeat. So when baby is born why ever would we think they will be able to just put themselves to sleep? To just lay a newborn in a crib and let them cry themselves to sleep is akin to "teaching" a child to swim by throwing them in the deep end. Just my humble 2 cents worth. :)
Nicole at 6:12AM on May 19th 2008
49. I'd have to disagree with the completely unimportant statement that the Breakfast Club was about falling in love. It was hardly about anything.
Strados at 7:18AM on May 19th 2008
50. I don't think that our problem with child behavior in America today is as related to their sleeping habits as much as the parenting habits of the current parent generation. So much emphasis on avoiding failure, getting EVERYTHING they want, look at the product. Kids who blame everyone and everything else except themselves when they fail, and expect to get everything handed to them and done for them. High school kids who ask the teacher to give them a piece of paper instead of actually getting up and getting it themselves. Kids who actually conspire to accuse teachers of sexual harassment because they were failing, or didn't like them.
And then the children having children, who have no idea how to raise children. It's fast becoming a downward spiral, hopefully we realize and hit bottom soon so we can come back up from this mess and start raising responsible citizens again.
God bless those of you who still do.
Strados at 8:02AM on May 19th 2008
51. A great article on this (why it's best to co-sleep or at least not let baby CRY it out!) was written by Robert Wright in Time April 14, 1997.
Don't know if it's available online somewhere, but I saved it because I got much flack from family and friends for not letting my children cry it out and for co-sleeping while nursing.
But I knew I was right!!!!
mary at 10:30AM on May 19th 2008
52. Don't say sleep training is ridiculous until you have had a 10 month old baby who has never slept through the night without you holding him. There is a time and a place for everything. Sleep training is NOT letting your newborn baby cry, or your colicky baby cry, or your sick baby cry, etc. It is teaching a healthy baby who is NOT hungry, NOT messy, NOT in pain . . . to learn how to sleep. You don't let the baby cry for two hours. Mine was baby number six . . . and a friend gave me a great book on sleep training. Let him cry for 10 minutes, went in and patted him and spoke to him, next ten minutes he fell asleep. FIRST TIME EVER. None of us can stand to hear our children cry. There is a wrong way and a right way to do sleep training.
Annie at 10:15AM on May 19th 2008
53. I used it with my six kids also and it worked very well. You only have to do it for one week, and the whole time, you go in and check on the baby every fifteen minutes, give them a pacifier, pat thier back, and go back out. They still know that you are there, and you are not abandoning them. What you ARE doing is not getting them into the habit of eating in the middle of the night, and waking them all the way up with noise, and getting picked up.
They learn that nightime is for sleeping after one week.
Even a grown person would be hungry in the middle of the night if they ate every night at 2am-you are developing habits by feeding them that late.
All six of my kids slept straight through the night till 9am after doing it. Short story: the one child that my husband did not want to let cry was our fourth child. He was adamant about getting up with him nightly, and I let him. I told him let me know when he was ready for the sleep training. After about two weeks of sleep deprived nights, he handed the baby over. I began that night. After four days, we were all sleeping through the night peacefully. The baby today is ten and in gifterd classes. No depression, no self esteem issues. Amazingly enough we dont remember our infancy.
The training went like this: I fed them all day, and twice before bedtime (11:00pm) on a schedule. At 11:00, we placed them in the bed, and patted them, and rocked thier cradles, and as they began to cry, we would leave for fifteen minutes at a time. Lights out, to signify night hours.
After about two to three trips, they would be asleep. if they wake up, check thier diaper quietly, and pat them again, give them a pacifier (if they take one) and go out until they go back to sleep. After four to five days, when I would lay them down at 11:00 they would automatically go to sleep. I wouldnt have to deal with fussy anti-bedtime behavior. The wouldnt wake up either in the night. If they did, they would go right back to slepp on thier own. In the morning, I'd get up feed them again. It was great.
If anyone disagrees, that's thier own problem. I am no child rearing expert, but It worked for all six of my kids, and I would recommend it to everyone.
Myckelle at 10:53AM on May 19th 2008
54. Born in 48, 5 kids from 16-35. None ever cried it out, they got in bed with me if needed, they do outgrow this so it is only temporary. Never had bedtime issues with any of them, bedtime routines, calmness, love, reassurance, and the ability to climb in bed with mom if needed, made my kids very self confident and happy. I think crying it out for hours is child abuse, and would not recommend it to anyone.
Lyn at 11:00AM on May 19th 2008
55. ARE ALL OF YOU CRAZY? WHAT HAPPENED WITH A COZY BED WITH A MOM OR DAD READING TO A CHILD OR TELLING FAB STORIES TO PUT THEM TO SLEEP? WHAT HAPPENED TO HUG YOUR CHILD INSTEAD OF "ABANDON" HIM? YOU GUYS ARE ALL NUTS! YOUR "ABANDONED" CHILDREN WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP CAUSE YOU ARE MAKING THEM FEEL NERVOUS AND NON-BELOVED- YOU ARE ALL A-HOLES!
rivirivi at 12:14PM on May 19th 2008