The New York Times today has a story about father-daughter purity balls, parties at which fathers vow to protect their daughters' virginity and/or their daughters vow to stay pure until marriage. They are formal affairs, with dress clothes and dancing and ceremonies like the laying of white flowers at the foot of a cross or the forming of swords into a V. Such events have been around for at least a decade, and they continue to inspire celebration within the evangelical world as well as cries of revulsion from those outside it. Opponents mistrust the concept of a father "owning" his daughter's sexuality and they wonder why boys' virginity isn't so prized. (They are also icked out by some of the ceremonies' clunky, graphic key-and-lock metaphors.)
But a nuanced critique from within the evangelical community appeared last year in the Chicago Sun-Times. (It doesn't seem to be available on the Sun-Times site, but is available, ironically, in full on Opie and Anthony's blog.) In the measured piece, Betsy Hart writes:
Look, I'm an evangelical Christian who firmly believes that sex should be reserved for marriage. But I just can't imagine going about it this way with any of my four kids, son or daughters.
For starters, something like a ''purity ball'' essentially minimizes a young woman's very humanity. But, of course, if we value her we know that her sexuality and the choices she makes about it as an adult are hers.
Besides, I can't help but wonder if a single-minded focus on virginity is an ironic, and unintended way, of sexualizing youth in a different way.
In any event, what bothers me most is that these dads and daughters may be falling for the misperception that ''the sin is in the thing'' instead of the heart, or conversely, that some sort of righteousness is inherent in the status of virgin, or any outward appearance of propriety.
So, are the purity ballers the new Pharisees, indeed too outwardly righteous?
The statistics suggest Hart is right. As the Times reports: Recent studies have suggested that close relationships between fathers and daughters can reduce the risk of early sexual activity among girls and teenage pregnancy. But studies have also shown that most teenagers who say they will remain abstinent, like those at the ball, end up having sex before marriage, and they are far less likely to use condoms than their peers.
Reader Comments ( Page 4 of 4)
46. Paganism and barbarianism are destroying the nations of the world from the inside out. People have invented gods (idols) so that “the person” can do their own will, and at the core, they are merely serving the very same "god of self." Therefore there really is no difference between an atheist and a religious person. In the Lord's Prayer Jesus teaches us to pray "Father Holy is your name. Your Kingdom come, on Earth as it is in Heaven…." Jesus never came on earth to bring us a religion; he came to give us a kingdom that we lost. You see God's will is done in heaven, but it not always done on this earth. God gave this earth to the first human (Adam) and his descendants to manage and reflect God’s nature on it. But once he sinned against God, his fellowship with God was broken and all his descendents were born with a sin nature that by nature rebels against God even unto this day. We not only lost the rule of God over us – we also lost God’s holy nature within us. And that's why there is so much evil in this world today. You will never be able to educate or medicate the spiritual problem of our sin nature; it takes the power of God through Christ to kill the old nature and birth a new one. I know that you currently cannot understand how sexual purity is so valuable and priceless or why we ought to protect the sanctity of human life, because only an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior can give a person eternal life and give us that unearthly desire to be holy (set apart to do God's uncommon will).
Healthy relationships with our father have become trashed and despised by this fallen world. But no one seems to look in the mirror and ask - Why? Our sin not only “cuts off” our relationship with God but it cuts off our relationship with others. You could blame feminism but it is much bigger than that. We ALL have sinned against God by breaking His Laws and we are all guilty before Him (the One and Only God - who is HOLY). God alone is the one who gave us knowledge of what is right and wrong. You can call it your conscience. The very fact that He holds everyone accountable for their actions and personally deals with everyone equally PROVES He really is HOLY and a Just God. It is our own lust to do our “own thing” that inspires people to create gods and belief-systems that will ultimately place the individual as the highest authority (lord) over their life. That’s why we all ASPIRE to see justice on earth (because we were created in God’s image) yet we see so much injustice coming out of humanity (because we all have a sin nature making us natural-born law breakers and god-haters) We by nature even celebrate and identify with rebellion because we are all ourselves are like fugitives on earth running from the law of God, knowing fully well that one day we will have our day in His court room at the point of death. The only one that could ever be our advocate would also have to be equal in essence with the Judge.
That's why only Jesus Christ is God’s remedy for our sin. He was 100% God within a 100% human body and was 100% sinless. God used the body of Christ to act as a sponge in two ways. The body of Christ was used to absorb the sins of the people of from the past, present and future who trusted in him as their Savior and Lord (Owner) – but simultaneously His body was used to absorb the full wrath and indignation of God that everyone of them and us deserves for ALL the evil and wrongs we have committed. The eternal debt of sin that each one of us owes requires an eternal payment that we could NEVER pay. Only the blood of sinless Jesus that was shed on the cross could take our sin away. When we allow Jesus to pay the debt of our sin, He becomes the owner over us and within us. That’s why we call Him “The Lord.”
That’s real love. The Lord God loved us too much to leave us the way we are. God’s love was demonstrated and reaches out to us today by offering us mercy. When His human body died – all our sin and God’s wrath and judgment against us died with it. When He was raised from the dead he gave us a promise of a new life within and gives “the people He now owns” His Holy Spirit in order to make himself known to us on earth so that we are no strangers when we meet Him face to face in eternity. God only takes into His heaven those He owns.
Don't waste another day to get right with God. Life is short. However we stand with God with determine where we stand with Him in eternity. We only have one chance to do it right. The Lord has already impressed upon my heart that, for some of you, this is your last opportunity to get right with God. Don’t you dare harden your heart when He is calling for you. You may not have another chance to repent (renounce and turn away) from a life of rebellion. Just place the weight of your life on Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Know from the heart that He arose on the third. Open your mouth and call out to Him from your heart to save you and make you his Child. He is the one and only God who has been drawing you. He is the only one who really cares. Come to Him as you are; you will never leave the same. A life surrendered to Jesus is never wasted.
http://evolutionfacts.blogspot.com/#the_message_that_we_were_born_to_hear
Once you have received Jesus as Lord, at the end of this site you can contact me directly for a free gift.
PROFESSOR X at 11:13AM on May 21st 2008
47. #39 janesophie1
thank you for the life lesson. you sound a little stressed...someone needs to get laid...
hannah at 1:32PM on May 21st 2008
48. debutant balls and contilions were and still are society's way of letting the rest of the world know that our daughters were now old enough to be out in the world without mommy and daddy hanging over their shoulders. instead, they traded in their parents for chaperons and boyfriends and husbands. our daughters will continue to be someone's "property" until we stop the maddness. teach her to keep her legs closed for safety's sake. or INSIST on protection EVERY TIME if she wants to spread them as wide as the continental divide. encourage her dreams, but remember to let her make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons. and teach your SONS the same thing. be an example! there's a fine line in every parent child relationship that you have to walk between being there for them and being their friend and still being that firm, decisive, disciplined authority figure we all know as the PARENT. if more ppl got their heads out the sand and started being PARENTS we wouldn't even be discussing such nonsense.
Devynn at 1:14AM on May 22nd 2008
49. Ada Calhoun, why do you and some of these negative bloggers hate God so much?
Regardless of the relationship that you have had with your father and sinful choices that you have made in your life, your Heavenly Father is always waiting to have a real relationship with you. Maybe the concept of these purity balls (which I as a Christian had never even heard of) will start to make more sense to you then.
StopTheBabble at 1:34AM on Jun 30th 2008
50. "Yeah, that's one way to make sure they are a virgin at the wedding, make sure they get married while still a teenager!"
Probably the only way IMO. And sorry, but I also thought it was creepy, gross and TMI when Joe Simpson mentioned Jessica's intact virginity during her wedding ceremony (and look how well that turned out).
Melissa at 7:29AM on Jul 10th 2008
51. of course similar JEWISH events at batmitzvahs are wonderous JEW traditions of purity and sanctity. These are just thinly veiled anti-chritian stories ADA. If you were truly unbiased you would have critical stories of some bizare jewish traditions which also seek to sanctify Jewish vriginity. whatever...you are religiously intolerant and anti-christian. Studies prove that the more involved a Dad is in his daughters life the more self esteem she will have. But go ahead Ada...drive Dad's away from Christian Father Daughter balls so you can prove your Anti-Christian propaganda (while protecting similar traditions among Jews).
Taylor at 4:42PM on Jul 19th 2008
52. But, Obama has Muslim links, half his family, and maybe that would be considered to political. But what the hell, if we elect a person with Muslim family ties, this honor killing may come up.
robert okane at 6:28AM on May 20th 2008
xxx
you also say obama is equal to bush and you call him bushama so I'm assuming you also thinK bush is a muslim?
Oh, and how about that dishonorable discharge? You avoiding the issue? Or was it psychiatric, I forgot?
Clif Kuplen at 6:00PM on Jul 24th 2008
53. I understand that the show is a platform for Mr. Maher to express his shame. I also understand that he is Pavlov and that the audience is there to behave as his trained canines. As you can see above, they laugh and applaud at the drop of a hat, which is the very point of having a live studio audience. Yet, is anyone actually listening to what he is saying? Was anyone in the audience able to wipe the stars off of their eyes and notice what it was that they thought was so hilarious? I certainly do not know. What I do know is that Mr. Maher reached a new low on that day, as did his audience.
Sure, he celebrated when Jerry Falwell passed away, as did Christopher Hitchens. But making fun, laughing, and applauding at children that are raped by their own parents is a level of malicious hatred that I simply cannot fathom. I actually do not comprehend how any reasonably moral, rational and sane person could reach such depths of darkness. How could anyone derive joy from one of the most predatorily malicious acts that only the most twisted pervert could conceive.
That one would be twisted enough by hatred to even conceive such thoughts is one thing. That someone would dare to repeat such perversion to anyone else is quite another. That his producers would agree to air it is another thing still. And that his audience would reward him with encouragement and approval is simply beyond my comprehension.
As it was pointed out to Mr. Maher there is a direct one to one correspondence between adult women who are moral and mentally and emotionally healthy and girls who had healthy and strong relationships with their fathers. To what lengths some fathers are forced to go today may be “weird” but it is clearly a sign of desperation when living in what Laura Ingraham has well termed the “pornification of America.” The new scarlet letter is “A” for “abstinence.” Large segments of our population believe that the best thing for children is that all that the world contains should be shoved down their throats as early as humanly possible. Yet, as a parent my job is not only to protect my children but to protect my children’s childhood. There will be plenty of time for them to be chewed up and spit out by the world.
It is interesting that they note that the statistics show that “It doesn’t work.” It is interesting and quite sad. Interesting because it is at this particular place and time that “It doesn’t work.” Imagine a young girl with parents who are concerned for her emotional and physical well being—particularly regarding sexual purity, or let us say: sexual control. On the one hand she has her parent’s advice but on the other she has hordes of people from young to old that believe that she should be corrupted, used, abused, misused, chewed up and spit out as early in life as humanly possible.
This is often spurred on by the “They’re gonna do it anyway” crowd. Perhaps this crowd could make a list of the things which our kids are going to do anyway so that we can introduce our kids to whatever it is and provide a safe atmosphere right here at home: condoms, sterile needles, pornography, rolling papers, ecstasy, whatever they want. Her parents tell her to have fun and be safe and she sets off into a world saturated with people functioning within pop-culture, Hollywood, the internet, magazines, television, etc., etc., etc. all clamoring for her attention and all urging her to “Just do it.”
What? She got pregnant at 13 years of age? No problem: murder the baby, or raise it without a stable family, have the grandparents raise it, see the child between school and work, shuffle the child between feuding parents, so what?
What? She contracted a sexually transmitted disease? No problem: curse God and die.
Have you ever tried telling someone that you will not allow your child to watch this or that? Take a lozenge because the very same people who one second are telling you that if you do not like it just turn it off will be jumping down your throat accusing you of brainwashing-child abuse. “You can’t protect your children forever” they say. No, but can I please have a few years at least before you place the weight of the ills, worries and filth of the world right on their little tiny fragile shoulders? What we have today is precisely what we have when we let the “It doesn’t work,” “They’re gonna do it anyway” and “You can’t protect your children forever” crowd rule the day.
No, I do not believe in keeping kids locked in the house with a naivety about life “out there.” But the fact is that when the majority of people believe in letting children be children, that once they grow up they can get married and engage in sexual relations, then they can have children, then stay married until death do them part guess what? It did work. It worked for generation, it worked for millennia and it can work again.
The bottom line is that if Christian principles were followed we would not have the amount of sexuality related problems we have today: adultery, abortion, abandonment of children, children being forced to live out of a suitcase, shuffled between un-cohabitating parents, sexually transmitted diseases, single parents, teen pregnancy, to name a few. A teenager with an STD would be an oddity. As it stands today, an abstinent teenager is an oddity and something to be mocked. I certainly understand that not everyone will follow Christian (or good old fashioned common sense) principles related to sexuality. Of course, neither will everyone follow the do what thou wilt principles that have brought us where we are today. The real and logical question is towards what shall we strive? Because it is that towards which we strive that will determine our general direction.
Ultimately, the issue that we took on here is Mr. Maher’s subjective worldview which has brought him to the most troublesome point of laughing at children that are raped by their own fathers is what it says about Mr. Maher (and his producers, audience, supporters, defenders, etc.). You see, quite often when someone expresses such opinions they are not really expressing their opinions on the subject at hand but expressing what is deep within the recesses of their hearts, souls and minds. Unless Mr. Maher is prepared to offer the name of even one single father who took his daughter to such an event and raped her we have to assume that their motivation is pure. It is Mr. Maher who filters a beautiful, innocent and pure act through the sewer of his heart and mind and demonstrates what is to be found therein. He is quite obviously a very, very troubled person and is in desperate need of love and prayer. Think back, or read back, through what he said and you will find just how twisted his thoughts are. He sees a father’s love for his little girl and imagines him raping her. What about the t-shirts that were “even funnier”? He not only had to conceive of such twisted perversion but share it with others to the point of having someone actually manufacture the t-shirts.
Please pardon my tone, I do not mean to simply shoot off emotionally charged statements as much as this is a very emotional issue for me. The fact is that parents have tremendous influence over their children. Particularly, fathers have tremendous influence over their daughters. They should not be ashamed of this, embarrassed by this, nor dissuaded from being the most loving, caring and faithful male role models in their daughter’s lives. It is out of sheer desperation that father’s feel forced to go to such lengths as purity balls.
Another interesting correlation between fathers and children was studied and reported on by Professor Paul C. Vitz. He surveyed the home lives of the world’s most influential secularists/atheists. Playing off of Sigmund Freud’s speculation about belief in God being derived from a desire to have a father figure Prof. Vitz demonstrates that many of these people rejected God due to having poor relationships with their fathers, or due to their father’s absence, or due to their rebellion against their fathers. They rejected God (the father figure) because they rejected their own fathers. Prof. Vitz wrote a book on this subject entitled, Faith of the Fatherless: The Psychology of Atheism. A lecture on the subject is available online here. But this is probably just opening up another can of worms…
WALTON, F. at 4:58PM on Jul 31st 2008
54. Look, Ada, we get it: you are apparently anti-Christian. This isn't even your business much less anything to write an article on. This is something the daughters and the fathers want to do. Your interpretation of what it means to you, and outsider, is meaningless. Move on to something that IS your business and is newsworthy.
SC at 8:19PM on Aug 27th 2008
55. Ok AOL media and liberals lets attack and remove everything good nature,clean,wholesome and anything about Religion... F--ing loser's are hurting America and the world.. Media,DEMS,liberals are the evilness trying to make you more hedonistic.. Thanks for trying to destroy goodness,hope, and freedoms
Darin at 1:51AM on Aug 29th 2008