It's not that Carl is a terrible person or that the couple was always fighting. It's just that every step forward in the relationship seemed so belabored, every decision the end result of a protracted negotiation:
- Before they were married, the move from Phoenix to her hometown of Milwaukee (for her job) was made unenthusiastically by him.
- The decision on which church to be married in was an unsatisfying compromise: she wanted the Catholic church she grew up with; he wanted a Methodist church. (Although he was no longer a practicing Methodist, he was, I suspect, feeling overpowered and wanted to assert himself.) They went with the Methodist church.
- The decision to get married at all was made after months of couples counseling.
But the detail which struck me as most telling (or at least most dramatic in a Lifetime Movie kind of way) involved the limo ride after the church ceremony two years ago. As related by Connie:
"After the wedding we walked out of the church, everyone threw confetti, the weather was beautiful, and we got right into the car to go to the hotel for the reception. To save money, we rented a town car and Carl's high school friend Bart offered to be the chauffeur. I remember Bart was wearing a uniform which was really funny and sweet. He held the door open for me. There was champagne inside.
"The ride was only about fifteen minutes. But here's what was really weird: Carl immediately leaned forward to talk to Bart. The whole time Bart was driving, Carl was leaning forward. I kept saying, 'Honey, we're married. We're supposed to be holding hands right now.' It's not like Carl hadn't seen Bart in 10 years or something. Bart was at the rehearsal dinner the night before. I think Bart thought it was strange, too.
"I laughed it off and poured the champagne myself. But I've thought about that a lot over the last two years."
What do you think? Is the behavior of a bride or groom during the ritual of a wedding a prognosis or predictor for the marriage itself?
Or are weddings such strange events that they bear no relation to the outcome of the marriage?
Reader Comments ( Page 1 of 1)
1. Sure sounds like a predictor to me. I'm sure there were lots of these odd little moments for them before, during, and after the wedding.
People do some pretty weird things when they feel like they have to conform to a social standard of getting married at a certain age, in a certain way, or to a certain person.
All I can say is, if he was that disinterested in her or uncomfortable with her, but still got married to her after years of couples counseling, that therapist sucked. If I was Connie, I'd ask for my money back! Hopefully in the future she'll see the warning signs early and head for the hills.
madking at 1:54PM on Dec 30th 2008
2. Hi Mo,
To answer the question, what's that old adage from the English Department?
"The prettier the cover, the poorer the report?"
Now, that said, I've really got to give this Blagojevich his due! Once Sarah Palin faded into the Russian sunset, I thought politics would be a barren wasteland of serious accomplishments. Enter Illinois Governor! Love this guy to tears.
HEY BLAGOJEVICH: While you're at it, name a quality quarterback to the Chicago Bears! Oh, even you don't have that kind of power?
Ned Pepper, Professor of Fizziology at 2:43PM on Dec 30th 2008
3. Madking, they got married after months of counseling, not years- but still, that's not exactly every woman's dream proposal. She should have read "He's Just Not That Into You" and taken it to heart. And yes, behavior during the wedding/reception absolutely predicts the outcome- I always thought the brides and grooms who smash cake in each other faces were being hostile rather than funny and sure enough, a wedding planner told me that every couple she saw who did that ended up divorced.
Lucy at 8:40PM on Dec 30th 2008
4. Mo:
Some times your articles are really well detailed, this one is not. So this is hard to answer.
Working with couples as a destination wedding planner, many times over the years I have predicted a short marriage history (privately to my staff) for some of the couples that I have met.
In many cases I have been correct, just watching and listening to the couple, I thought this marriage is not going to work, if planning the wedding is any indication of the lack of communication.
You would think in todays age with all the information about marriage and weddings couples would be smarter about this big decision.
However, many brides and grooms in the last 10 years seem more of the me me me generation, are very into getting their way, and the cost and decisions for the wedding day can bring out even more tense disagreements.
So some times wedding day behavior does mean the marriage will be short lived. I am amazed how quite a few of my clients don't make it to even the 5th year.
Betsy at 9:05PM on Dec 30th 2008
5. Sounds like Carl is gay and in denial.
E at 11:29PM on Dec 30th 2008
6.
In light of my current seperation and imminent divorce, I am in no way qualified to judge marital discourse.
Now, ask me about lust ! I can write a library on that subject :-)
mac at 12:34AM on Dec 31st 2008
7. sorry about your friend's pending divorce.
I'm now curious about the "history" of cake smooshing at the reception...I've heard of it, but never seen it practiced.
ah, Clem at 1:43AM on Dec 31st 2008
8. ah, Clem: the guys who smoosh cake in the bride's face deserve to get divorced. it ruins her makeup for the rest of the night, and that photographer cost a lot of money.
hannah at 7:40AM on Dec 31st 2008
9. The best indicator of a Bride and Groom's potential for success is how they work together in a crisis. The crisis here was they didn't have one together to see if they would work together or not. The groom here was having a crisis and he went to his buddy to help him figure it out. Sometimes "Getting Out" is the only way. Also, never let family or friends come between you. My Father in Law lives with us and I hate him for trying to take back his daughter after Mom died. He selfishly took her away and now I feel like OJ. That evil man wouldn't have anything to do with me if my wife was gone. He needs to go! If I say something, my wife could go with him in pity or family loyalty. The clock is ticking and my 27 year marriage could be doomed? Don't trespass on love.
Cecil Jones at 8:01AM on Dec 31st 2008
10. At one of my cousins' weddings, the couple's friends had the band play Clapton's "Cocaine" in their honor. If that's not a harbinger of things to come, I don't know what is. My cousin, thankfully, survived that marriage and had better luck the second time around.
In Connie's case, the mere effort it took to get to the wedding day should have been a sign. If not that, then for sure the town car ride. Some people really, really want to get married, and no matter what omens are thrown at them, they WILL walk down that aisle.
mo-NEEK-a at 5:43PM on Dec 31st 2008
11. At my wedding, my wife and I enjoyed our drive from the church in a horse-drawn carriage. I remember being thrilled beyond words and holding her hand the whole time. But the thing that gave me an unexpected chill was a small flock of passers-by---all women---who, overcome with this romantic sight, chased after us, screaming "Good luck!" Some of them appeared to be crying. This just seemed wrong. I distinctly remember thinking, "Good luck? Dear God---why do they think we need luck? Can't they see we have that already? Do they know something I don't?" I remain convinced that they, like the little boy in The Sixth Sense, could see some black spectre of doom hanging over us. Or maybe they were voodoo priestesses, actually cursing my marriage---and the whole "good luck" thing was just sarcastic mockery.
Thirteen years later, the marriage crumbled in a horrible way. The divorce is still not finalized, five years after separating. My wife's attorney is a real harpie. I mean an ACTUAL harpie. So I have to wonder...was this same group of women chasing after this guy's limo. Men, please---check your wedding videos. If you see these women, well, you're pretty much screwed.
KG at 1:14AM on Jan 1st 2009
12. Wow!! The comments are MUCH more interesting and entertaining than the column. Good read, ya'll.
Texas River Rat at 9:31AM on Jan 8th 2009
13. I remember a friend of mine canceling plans with me once b/c his buddy had (literally, within hours) just gotten back from his honeymoon, and they were having a "guys' night out". I pointed out that it was a little odd--considering that he had only been married a week--for him to be in such a rush to leave his bride. (There was no "girls' night" planned.) I told my friend that it didn't bode well for the marriage. Less than two years later, my friend calls saying that his friend (the groom) was requesting prayers--his wife was filing for divorce the next day, and he was hoping to stop it. Needless to say, I wasn't surprised.
Ashley Foreman at 3:23PM on Jan 8th 2009