So I'm at the A's-Angels series opener this week and I see two things totally new to my baseball eyes. First, it's Frank Thomas legging out a triple. More on that in a moment, because Frank Thomas – speed demon – was nothing compared to what I saw two innings later.

It begins with Angels pitching coach Mike Butcher (4 years in the Majors, 82 walks in 137 innings, a 4.47 ERA – just ineffective enough to teach others) visiting the mound to talk to starter Jon Garland. Home plate umpire Charlie Relaford comes out to break up the meeting, but Butcher keeps talking, seeming to ignore Relaford. When Butcher finally starts to head back to the dugout, he and Relaford start jawing. Suddenly – Bam! Butcher gets tossed – first time I've seen a pitching coach ejected on the field after a meeting on the mound.

But that's not the incredible part. After a quote from Angels manager Mike Scioscia that Relaford "may have been having a bad day," the AP story on the game contained this line, "It was Relaford's first game back from vacation, which he had to cut short due to the..."

What the? A Major League umpire was on vacation? On April 28th? Were the rigors of the season's first four weeks just too much for him? Here's a crazy thought. Maybe big league umpires could take that cruise to Puerto Vallarta in November. Or January. Or one of those unpleasant months when no one's playing baseball.

I went to Journalism school. I know what to do here. I called the MLB press office and asked them, ya know, how come an umpire is allowed to take a vacation 25 games into the season and you know what they said? OK, I didn't call, but I did do a Google search for "umpires" and "vacation" and it seems these guys get four weeks paid vacation – wait for it – DURING THE SEASON. They may be the only people in America who get more time off than George Bush. You can practically hear the umpires union recruiting pitch: "All the excitement of American sports with the backbreaking schedule of a French civil service employee."

Back to Frank Thomas. The triple itself does little to alleviate the concerns of those who think his problems at the plate are greater than his typical April struggles, but are more likely the symptoms of having Frank Thomas's body, but Dave Thomas's bat speed. And Dave Thomas is dead.

(By the way, would Dave Thomas have allowed Arby's to buy Wendy's? What kind of a world do we live in where Arby's is bigger than Wendy's? Wendy's is a classic single, maybe a double with cheese. Arby's is a gimmick – 5 sandwiches for $5? Please.)

Anyway, you've probably seen the highlight by now on "Sports Center." Thomas is very late on a Garland fastball and lofts a high flyball to right, near the line. Vlad Guerrero is essentially playing right-center, gets there late and over-runs the ball. So here's Thomas rumbling around second and heading to third. As I watched – A lonely A's fan in the OC – it was like that scene in the train station in "The Untouchables." Thomas is barreling toward third like the baby carriage careening down the steps. It's a very precarious situation. You need Sean Connery to throw up the stop sign. But he's been gunned down – murdered in his own apartment.. But you still have Andy Garcia. He kills Capone's men AND saves the baby. And a smiling, healthy Frank Thomas slides into third with his first triple since the second Cleveland administration. Or maybe it was a White Sox game against Cleveland. I don't recall. Either way, the whole thing will make a great story when an exhausted Thomas takes a week off in August for a little vacation in Aruba.

Baseball 2008 has arrived. Here's what we've learned one day into the season (two days actually for the Nationals and eight days for the A's and Red Sox, but one day for the purpose of this column): Rich Harden would be a right-handed Johan Santana if he could stay healthy enough to start 30 games, which will never happen; the Phillies desperately need Brad Lidge back, a realization that ought to chill the opening day enthusiasm of Phillies fans everywhere; and Xavier Nady is on pace to hit 324 home runs, but he probably won't.

Oh, and one other thing – the steroids issue is over. Done. Settled. Whew, that's a relief. For a while, I thought it might linger for a few more years while base...OF COURSE IT'S NOT OVER. But a piece in the L.A. Times indicates baseball – and its players – believe it's essentially over and done with because fans weren't talking about it this spring in Florida and Arizona.

The Bush administration delights us daily with so many breathtaking moments of criminal duplicity and dangerous incompetence, it's hard to keep up. It's so overhwleming, sometimes you're just going to miss a great story. But now, with "The Sopranos," "The Shield," "Lost," "Deadwood" and "The Wire" (plus, I have to admit, "Desperate Housewives." Yeah, that's right. I watch it. And I'm still a man. Sort of.) no longer cutting into my time to read (it's pretty much just "Rescue Me" now), I have time to catch up on stories I missed.

Which brings me to the June 25th issue of Newsweek, the "Why Gaza Matters" cover. Michael Hirsh has the cover story and it only takes one paragraph for the Bush/Cheney gang to once again astound us with their clownish lack of preparation and absence of insight.

Earlier this month, our 21st century version of the best and the brightest, President Bush, said of the no confidence vote on Attorney General-for-life Alberto Gonzales, "This process has been drug out a long time."

Drug out? Just for the record, that's not English.

I wrote here about the irony of a man who's never been the smartest guy in any room serving as the one person we're actually trusting to defeat Al Qaeda, work out a political and economic solution in Iraq to avoid further pointless bloodshed, rekindle the firepower of American diplomacy (that his administration extinguished) to peacefully resolve the conflict with Iran and jumpstart dialogue among Hamas, Fatah and Israel to avoid an even wider war in the region.

Sounds as if we've got the right guy for the job.

Studio lights up...Roll cold open...Cue music bed...Cue Applause...Host enters stage right.

"Hello America and welcome to another jaw-dropping episode of "Are You Smarter Than the President?"

The key to a good reality show is that – unlike so much scripted television – the audience doesn't know what's going to happen. It's like sports. We watch because we don't know who'll win.

That's why my little game show idea would be such a failure. Where Fox's "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" is a surprisingly challenging game pitting man against 10-year-old boy, "Are You Smarter Than the President?" would be a ratings disaster.

Why? Because it turns out everyone is smarter than the president.

Last week, after Senate Republicans (and Joe Lieberman) prevented a no confidence vote on Attorney General-for-life Alberto Gonzales, Bush said he was prepared to ignore Congress (as usual) no matter what the vote.

"This process has been drug out a long time," Bush said. "It's political."

In case you missed it there, the President of the United States just used the phrase "drug out."

This blog post will detail a few of the many reasons to loathe Joe Lieberman. As there are very few cliches I don't enjoy using, I'll get this one out of the way in the first paragraph: "Say it ain't so, Joe."

There. I feel better. Now on to the outrages from a man I can't believe I used to trust.

When it comes to Iraq, Joe consistently says what ain't so. Lieberman made "news" when he visited Iraq over the Memorial Day weekend. He went. He saw. He lied.

In Leila Fadel's terrific piece for the McClatchy Newspapers (who are consistenly doing the best work in Iraq), she documents all the questions soldiers lucky enough to meet with Lieberman wanted to ask. Among the questions and observations they had for the senator:

• "When are we getting out of here?"
• "When are we getting out of here?"
• "We're not making any progress."
• "It just seems like we drive around and wait to get shot at."
• "It's just more troops, more targets."

So what did Lieberman say after having lunch with these 30 soldiers from the 82nd Airborne Division – the troops who came up with these questions? The same crap Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld and Lieberman have been saying for four years.

First came Republican talking point #1. Withdrawal, said Lieberman, would be "a victory for al-Qaeda and a victory for Iran." Never mind that Iraq is in a civil war between, um, IRAQI Shiites and IRAQI Sunnis, plus some IRAQI Kurds. And though al-Qaeda is clearly our enemy and Iran needs to be responsibly contained, they are not the principle actors in the debacle that is Iraq.

Then came Republican talking point #2. "Overall, I would say what I see here today is progress," said Lieberman. "Significant progress from the last time I was here in December. And if you can see progress in war that means you're headed in the right direction."

Progress? Right direction? Seems like we've heard that before...

Great news, America. Mitt Romney, who will never be elected President of the United States, says he will forego his salary if he's elected President of the United States.

That's $400,000, a tremendous amount of money. Just magine the possibilities. Actually I already did.

Here are a few things you could do with $400,000 of Mitt Romney's money:

? Every household in Muncie, IN gets HBO. For a month.
? Buy nearly five entire seconds of a Super Bowl ad extolling the many vitues of AMERICA!
? Invest $200,000, then go to Vegas and play the other $200,000 on one spin of routlette (and of course, remember the prescient words of Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57, "Always bet on black.")
? Entire fleet of Secret Service SUV's entitled to ArmorAll upgrade with next car wash.
? Fund just under three minutes of the Iraq war.
? Purchase new textbooks for thousands of needy children in the Los Angeles Unified School District. Just kidding, that's a terrible idea.
? Buy ten Hermes "Birkin" handbags and give them to children without textbooks in the L.A. Unified School District. I'm still kidding. You should keep them.

The Young Turks

Bad news for Fox's torture-friendly series "24" (which I love, by the way). Here's the actual description on my Direct TV for the most recent episode of the show:

"Tonight on '24' – Jack stops at nothing to protect the country from an international incident."

Really? "Jack stops at nothing to protect the country?" Sounds like a revolutionary episode. So unlike the other 140 before it. It's a bad sign for a television show when even the guys who write the little blurbs in "TV Guide" have run out of original ideas..

And sadly, it's reflective of the show as a whole (I was going to say "24 has "jumped the shark" but I think my friend, the screenwriter Jacob Koskoff, is right when he says the phrase "jump the shark" has actually "jumped the shark"). As recently as last season, "24" was one of the truly great shows in television history, but it has clearly lost its creative mojo. The story seems to be writing itself.

Terrorist gets bomb. Civilians die. Jack tortures someone. Jack is wounded. Jack's wound heals. Jack kills some terrorists, but the really bad guy inexplicably gets away. Then that really bad guy kidnaps Jack's wife/daughter/girlfriend/cat/nephew. Jack tortures someone else. Jack gets betrayed by someone close to him. Jack is devastated – he'll never recover. Jack recovers. Jack rescues his cat/wife/girlfriend. Really bad guy inexplicably escapes again. Nuclear bomb goes off – thousands die. Jack and friend/co-worker (who will soon die) kill main terrorist and save day. Jack gets kidnapped.

So how could "24" gets its groove back? I've come up with six show blurbs to break the monotony. Please feel free to contribute your own.

• "Stunned when he hits L.A. traffic for the first time EVER, Jack keeps yelling 'Federal Agent' while confiscating each car in front of him until he reaches the head of the line."
• "Angered when he gets a Mochaccino instead of a Caramel Frappuccino, Jack holds a gun to the cashier's head until the barista fixes his order."
• "Jack calls in sick."
• "When his laptop keeps freezing up, Jack spends 52 minutes on hold until Larry ("Rajesh") from Utica ("Bangalore") tells him he has the wrong department. Furious, Jack removes Chloe's fingernails with pliers."
• "Exhausted from a long day of killing, Jack takes an Ambien and sleeps through an important torture session."
• "Jack attempts to have unprotected sex with every woman he sees, fearing he'll run out of relatives for terrorists to kidnap."

The Young Turks

Wanted: Dynamic individual with leadership skills. Assets should include the ability to see which way the political wind is blowing. Chief Executive experience a plus. Send resume and references to K. Rove at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

So Mitt Romney sees this ad in the back of his copy of "The Washington Times" and thinks, "I'm out of work. I have great hair. This job sounds perfect for a soulless politician like me. Plus, I was Chief Executive – ran the commonwealth of Massachusetts for four years. I think I'll apply."

Then Romney does something odd. He neglects to mention Massachusetts when he discusses his resume at campaign events and debates. Afraid of reminding gay-hating Republican primary voters of Massachusetts' liberal reputation. So Romney refers to the state that must-not-be-named with catchy references to "that very difficult state" or "the toughest of states.",

The guy was the GOVERNOR of Massachusetts and doesn't mention it on his resume. I'm 40 years old and I still list the last pizza delivery job I had – in 1986.

Anyway, it got me thinking. What other governorships would you leave off your resume and why?

• Arkansas: Too many mysterious stains in the bedroom of the Governor's mansion.
• Idaho: State slogan of "Famous Potatoes" inconsistent with America's effort to cut back on carbs.
• Texas: Obviously, being the Governor of Texas renders you hopelessly unqualified to be President.
• New Hampshire: License plates read "Live Free or Die." Honestly, that's just too much pressure.
• Minnesota: Randy "Macho Man" Savage still shows up drunk and unannounced at 2am screaming for the Governor to come out and do Jell-O shots.

The Young Turks

Yesterday I wrote about Philip Workman. Today Workman is dead.

Workman was a murderer – convicted of killing a Memphis police officer, Lt. Ronald Oliver, in 1981. Tuesday night as he awaited an early morning execution by lethal injection, officials at Riverbend Maximum Security Institution asked Workman what he wanted as a last meal.

Workman made an unusual request. He asked that a vegetarian pizza be delivered to a homeless man in Nashville. The prison said, um, no. An outright refusal.

But at least the prison's reasoning was sound. Turns out Workman's request violated protocol. "We can get some special things for the inmate," said Riverbend spokeswoman Dorinda Carter, "but the taxpayers don't really give us permission to donate to charity."

So the kind, thoughtful, generous, selfless request of a condemned man was rejected because the bureaucracy couldn't handle it and, I suspect, wasn't interested in handling it. Makes you proud to be American, doesn't it?

But the way this story ends will make you enormously proud.

At 1:38 in the morning Nashville time, the state executed Workman, who'd been homeless himself when he killed the police officer. Thankfully, many in Tennessee were nauseated by the prison's response – or lack of one – to Workman's request. I ended my post yesterday with these words: "It's now 1:16am in Tennessee and Philip Workman is now likely dead. Here's hoping somebody ordered that pizza."

Somebody did. In fact, many people did. Pizzas were delivered to homeless shelters all across Nashville. "Philip Workman was trying to do a good deed and no one would help him," said Donna Spangler, who got a group of friends together to donate $1,200 worth of pizza. One hundred and fifty pizzas here. Another 17 there. Most from Nashville. Some from as far away as Minnesota. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals donated. They liked the vegetarian part.

"It's the story of a guy whose execution translated into a generous act," said Cliff Tredway of the Rescue Mission, a Nashville shelter. "It's people donating to other people they don't know."

With the outpouring of support, here's guessing the people who run Riverbend Maximum Security Institution are embarrassed at their pointless obstinance this morning. They probably feel bad. And when you're sad, sometimes you don't eat. Somebody should send the warden a pizza.

The Young Turks

This may not be the most important story of the day, or the week, or the hour, for that matter. But it's one of those stories that makes you angry at certain people specifically and at bureaucracy in general.

It's 12:50 am in Tennessee, where inmate Philip Workman is 10 minutes from being executed as I write this. In 1981, he killed Memphis police Lieutenant Ronald Oliver during a robbery at a Wendy's. Let's put aside feelings about capital punishment for the moment and focus on the last few hours of Workman's life.

In what can only be seen as a somewhat big-hearted gesture for a condemned man, Workman didn't request a last meal for himself. Instead, he asked that a pizza be delivered to a homeless man in Nashville. A vegetarian pizza specifically.

It's hard to imagine a lower point for an American political party. At last night's Republican presidential debate, one of the moderators asked John McCain if he believed in evolution.

"Yes," said McCain.

Then came the follow up – a jaw-dropping moment that should make all thinking Americans flee from the Republican party like Dirk Nowitzki from a big shot. "I'm curious," said the moderator, "is there anybody on this stage who does not believe in evolution?"

Three – THREE – of the ten Republicans running for President of the United States of America raised their hands. Rep. Tom Tancredo of Colorado, Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas and former Governor Mike Huckabee of Arkansas don't believe in evolution. Just like that. As if they'd been asked if the earth were round. (Watch it here).

If there are any Clinton loyalists out there who continue to defend former CIA chief George Tenet, the time has come to cut him loose – to toss him into the same cesspool of shame currently inhabited by Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, George W. Bush (plus Wolfowitz, Feith, Ledeen, Perle, Kristol and the other – let's be careful here to use the right word – "doofuses" who brought us the Iraq war).

Tenet may not be the most culpable, but he bears enormous responsibility. And his deceitful, disingenuous appearance Sunday on "60 minutes" sealed his fate. Seen through the crystal clear prism of cold, hard facts – and Tenet's own words, spoken years before – his performance was self serving and loathsome.

Tenet told Scott Pelley he bumped into Pentagon adviser Richard Perle at the White House in the days immediately after 9/11. "Iraq has to pay a price for what happened yesterday," Perle told him."They bear responsibility." Tenet says he was dumbfounded, thinking "What the hell is he talking about?"

Then Tenet reveals what anyone who's been paying attention already knows: the administration was obsessed with Iraq, even though there were NO links to al Qaeda. "In terms of complicity with 9/11," Tenet says Iraq had "none."

"It never made any sense," he tells Pelley. "We could never verify that there was any Iraqi authority, direction and control, complicity with al Qaeda for 9/11 or any operational act against America. Period."

Tenet is trying to come across to "60 Minutes" – and the country – as an honest broker nobly fighting to stem the tide of a reckless build-up to war being waged by Vice President Cheney and "the civilians at the Pentagon" (Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and Feith), as he describes in his book, which no one should purchase, by the way.

The big surprise out of Orangeburg, SC last night was the feisty performance of former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel. "I gotta tell you, after standing up with them" said Gravel of the other Democratic candidates, "some of these people frighten me."

He was angry, passionate, energetic and funny. He was therefore completely unlike the seven other options.

It was the kind of performance political junkies have come to expect of the candidate lagging farthest behind in the polls. When you have the least name recognition, you can say just about anything (in Gravel's case, asking Barack Obama whom he'd nuke next) and hope to generate publicity that has thus far eluded your campaign.

For the most part, in Gravel's case, it worked. Pundits like Andrea Mitchell and Chris Matthews loved it. Each called him a radical. I think they meant it as a compliment. Matthews called him a "challenge to conventional thinking." Mitchell called him both "refreshing" and a "bomb thrower," which is a rare combination – when's the last time you read about a "refreshing bomb thrower?"

But what I love about Mike Gravel didn't come up at Thursday's debate. And it won't at any time during the campaign. That's because, to know what I know, you had to buy Mike's Gravel's house outside Washington, DC in 1986. Which is what my mother did.

Here's today's question. What's healthier – listening to conservative talk radio or gently placing your hand in a high speed blender? It's close, but ultimately, that's why we have orthopedic surgeons.

I'm in Atlanta this week and dialed in two delightful programs, eager to bring insight and thoughtful analysis to the national debate – Neal Boortz, an Atlanta-based right winger, and Michael Savage, out of San Francisco with ideas out of the 17th century.

First, Boortz. It was Tuesday morning, the day after the horrible events at Virginia Tech. "I have a question here," says Boortz. "No answer .. just a question. Why didn't some of these students fight back? How in the hell do you line students up against a wall (if that's the way it played out) and start picking them off one by one without the students turning on you? You have a choice. Try to rush the killer and get his gun, or stand there and wait to be shot."

So less than 24 hours after 32 innocent people died 500 miles away, Neal Boortz has it all figured out. The students were lined up against the wall, too weak to fight back. Really? That's what happened?

Who cares what the police say? Why wait for actual information when there's an opportunity to say something profoundly ignorant, something that uncomfortably insults the victims of a numbing tragedy?