Last Thursday a segment of mine ran on the Tonight Show. Conan was a guest on the show with Jay, so it was a big night. But the highlight for me was meeting American Idol finalist Chikezie.

When I'd first heard the name Chikezie, I didn't know what to think. It sounded like:

• a dance craze
• a respiratory ailment
• the battle cry of a rebel army

But once I saw him perform, Chikezie could only mean one thing: joy. His smile and spirit were and are infectious. I was thrilled to meet him and insisted we pose in front of Jay's car. (It's true: Jay drives himself to work everyday, and I've yet to see the same car twice.)



Hurry, someone, and create a hit TV series for me, Chikezie, and Jay's car!

UPDATE: The network has added a new character to the series starring me, Chikezie and Jay's car. She's being played by Mary Chris Wall (below), my friend who played the mom on Wishbone and who wanted to invite a guy on a first date to another friend's baby shower. (Click here for that story.)



So what's the pitch now?!!

Below is the piece that ran that night, shot in Panama City Beach, Florida:

Well here it is: the video of Marky Ramone's visit to my apartment. It took a lot to eliminate the trace of nutmeg from my Uzbekistani rug (from the construction of my nutmeg constitution). Overall I think he had a good time.

David Archuleta	Brooke White

On Wednesday night's American Idol results show, something extraordinary happened: The first of the Top Ten finalists announced was tiger beat boy David Archuleta. The second was the group's "Mommy" Brooke White.

So for at least a few minutes 100% of the confirmed finalists were Mormons. Think about that.

This day was a day that was never supposed to come. Indeed for the first few seasons of Idol the idea of an openly Mormon Top Ten finalist was simply unfathomable. (Statistics on Mormon Idol contestants are famously unreliable.) Clearly times have changed. Is this a belated validation of the strides made by the Mitt Romney candidacy? Perhaps. Although the Republican ex-Governor's campaign failed, he forced Americans to come to terms with their anti-LDS prejudices and emboldened Mormon voters (and singers?) to flex their muscle (and vocal cords?).

Whatever the ramifications of this explosion of out and proud LDS singers, the question must be asked: Are Mormons simply better at singing than other Christian denominations? The answer seems to be yes.

With 5.5 million church members in the U.S., they represent less than 2% of the population. And yet they're 20% of the Idol Top Ten. (Factor in the international scope of this year's competition - itself a controversy - and the LDS representation is even more impressive.) No other Christian denomination comes close.

The Osmonds, of course, are the best example of what critics call the "Mormon Melody Mafia." Out of nine children born to George and Olive Osmond, seven (a whopping 77%) are gifted singers. The other two, Virl and Tom, are deaf. Yet even they appreciate music, having appeared on The Donnie and Marie Christmas Special in 1978.

So why are Mormons such good singers?

• They don't smoke. (I love Bonnie Tyler as much as anyone, but raspy-voiced singers spend their careers swimming upstream.)
  
• They don't drink alcohol or caffeine.
  
• They have large families that sing together at home and in tabernacle choirs. On a trip to Salt Lake City in 1999 I had the great pleasure of sitting through a rehearsal of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The acoustics: astonishing. The organ: 11,623 pipes. The experience: unforgettable. One of my favorite cds remains the choir singing civil war hymns.
  
• They live at high altitudes. Because they're used to thin air, their breath control is unrivaled. (Whether that gives them an unfair advantage at sea level is another matter.)
  
• They don't dance.

This last point is certain to provoke sharp disagreement. But here are the facts: Most Mormons can't dance. As a result, their focus remains squarely on singing. So rather than being mediocre singer-dancers, they're bungling, graceless, lumbering ... and golden-voiced. "Klutzy Carusos," one famous music critic dubbed them. Wait outside the stage door of the Tabernacle Choir as the 320 choristers exit post-performance and you'll likely witness a massive pile-up. A mountain of tangled limbs and sheet music. But the cries for help? Never off-key.

(That Marie Osmond could put one foot in front of the other on Dancing with the Stars was a miracle. Of course it would have helped had she practiced more and shrieked about her doll collection less.)

Not surprisingly the first of the Top Twelve finalists eliminated was lap-dancer David Hernandez. (Lap-dancing is strictly forbidden in Utah, with two exceptions: the Olympic village in 2002 was granted dispensation. Plus there's a club in Provo that sells membership cards for lap-dancing.) I liked David Hernandez but I suspect he would have sounded better had he not spread himself so thin.

So what do you think? Why are Mormons so much better than other Christians at singing?

***

HELP WANTED:

- I'm still looking for material for my cabaret show featuring music about states. Specifically I'm looking for a recording of - or even just sheet music for - the early 20th century song "When it's Apple Blossom Time in Orange, New Jersey, we'll make a Peach of a Pair." (I realize that this is more about fruit than New Jersey, but it sounds like a winner.) Also has anyone heard Steve Allen's song "Spring in Maine"? Is it any good?

- Is anyone reading involved in planning a 200th birthday celebration for Abraham Lincoln? I'm a huge Lincoln lover and want to get involved. I emailed historian Richard Norton Smith at George Mason University, but he hasn't responded. (He once gave me a private tour of the Lincoln Museum in Springfield, so I'm guessing he's just been busy. Or maybe he's still sore at my Mary Todd Lincoln wisecracks.)

Three out of eleven. Think about it. Nearly 30% of the remaining American Idol contestants were born in countries outside The United States.

Carly Smithson was born in Ireland. Michael Johns was born in Australia. Ramiele Malubay was born in Saudi Arabia.

Never has an American Idol top eleven included this many foreign-born contestants. And people are talking.

"I'm sorry but I think it's weird. It's American Idol," says Idol Watcher and pundit Will Bressman, quick to add: "Look, I'm not prejudiced. I just know that these other countries have their own singing competitions."

Let me be clear: This discussion is not an invitation to xenophobic ranting. Readers of this blog know that I am a full-throated champion of the contributions that singers from abroad have brought to our pop music scene. Furthermore I am nuts about foreign travel. (Right now I'd chuck everything for a trip to Sydney!)

But with immigration such a front-burner issue, it is essential that we address head on the question of the rights of foreign-born American Idol contestants. To Will's point: Idol has competitions in over 40 countries, from Armenia to Vietnam. (This includes Australia, Johns' home country.)

Tonight four contestants were eliminated, leaving twelve finalists. During the next three months the competition will become a nearly unbearable crucible. This is why I'm so concerned about Ramiele Malubay's hyper-emotionalism. Simply put, her meltdown during Danny Noriega's elimination troubled me.



Let me be clear. I am a fan of Ramiele's. Indeed the Filipina-American songstress (born in Saudi Arabia) has made it to Hollywood "Against All Odds." When asked their most embarrassing moments over the last two nights, most contestants chose to share trifles. (The cunning Christy Lee Cook's story about spending a year barking like a dog with rats crawling on her back was a gross exaggeration, calculated to impress. It didn't.)

Waiting for the results from Texas' mind-numbingly complicated prima-caucus was just the excuse I needed to abandon the Hillary-Obama Reality Show and flip over to the granddaddy of all reality shows: American Idol.

Beware: Once I get hooked on American Idol, I'm hooked. So if you don't like A.I., you won't like me much over the next few months. How could I not get hooked by now? Only today we learned that two of the eight final guys are bad bad boys.

True to form, AI paired the two sinners tonight: Satanist Danny Noriega and Stripper David Hernandez performed third and fourth, respectively. The show deftly led up to these American False Idols with two other singers.

It's time to say goodbye to Fidel Castro. What a journey!

The firestorm generated by my post and poll regarding Oscar-winning actress Marlee Matlin's attendance at Tuesday night's American Idol has culminated with an insightful and inspiring message from none other than Marlee herself. It all started with a message from her interpreter, Jack Jason.

Here's what he wrote:

Mo. Try and figure this out. Marlee is deaf but her kids are not and they're fans. She didn't want her 11 year old daughter going to the show unaccompanied. Plus, Marlee is deaf not blind. Half the show is about the spectacle and why would a person who is a fan of this kind of stuff want something like deafness get in her way? If that were the case, she would've never entered acting and won an Academy Award because she's "handicapped." Thank goodness comments, even jokingly, like the ones you made don't bother her. But you know what bothers me? Comments like the one you made might come across to people who might have never met a deaf person as fact and just onfirm the misconception that all deaf people do is sit in silence and close themselves off from the world; far from it.

And I'm speaking as a person who knows Marlee well; I'm the interpreter guy, Jack, who's worked with her for 21 years and my parents are deaf too.

Have a good one.
Jack Jason

Then I wrote:

First off, Jack, I thank you for taking the time to write. In fact I don't know any deaf people. And all the comments, including yours, have filled me in on how much I don't know.

Like too many people, I'm afraid, I've assumed that "deaf" means that someone cannot hear at all. Certainly I'd heard of people being "partially deaf," but I've always defaulted to the assumption that a deaf person can't hear at all.

But even if someone cannot hear at all, that person can still appreciate the spectacle that is American Idol. Marlee Matlin is obviously a person of the world - a rightly acclaimed actress, brilliant in Children of a Lesser God, Picket Fences, The West Wing and so many other films and TV shows. And a mother who wanted to take her 11 year old to the Kodak Center for a fun night out.

As for the commenters who've labeled me the deaf community's Imus, they're overreacting. If what people want is an apology, I'll grant one under only one condition: that I get to deliver to Marlee in person. (I'm a huge fan!)

Oh, and Jack, if you can get Marlee to comment on my blog, I'll flip. None of the other aol bloggers have gotten comments from even Oscar nominees.

And then came Comment #1 ... from Marlee Matlin. See below.

A commentator has a beef with the contestants on 'American Idol' -- they're obese, and that may hurt the kids of American.

The observation that some of the contestants were over weight on is not absurd: some obviously were. But, is her alarm, well, alarmist? Or does she have a point?

Relax. I'm referring to the Results Show broadcast, not the beautiful and refreshingly fleshy winner, Jordin Sparks.

The jam-packed broadcast suffered from multiple-personality disorder. Was it a reality show? An awards show? A comedy show? A "Where Are They Now" show? Much of it seemed to me like a wedding - an overblown affair with complicated family dynamics.

After all the guests were seated (Jerry Springer and Jeff Foxworthy on the bride's side), the engaged couple came out to sing "I Saw Her Standing There." This portion of the show was the rehearsal dinner. Blake and Jordin were dressed stylishly but not too formally. They looked terrific, though I'd never before noticed their extreme height difference. A Sonny and Cher for the 21st century.

Soon enough, Idol's eldest daughter, the single and angry Kelly Clarkson came onstage to deliver her "toast" - a tirade entitled "Never Again." Never again, she seemed to say, will I come back - unless it's on my terms. No frilly dresses for me. No easy pop hooks. I'm not even sure I want to get married! I'm not Carrie Underwood. Hear me?!

We all love Kelly. She was the first Idol. She paved the way for her younger siblings. Clearly she didn't want to be at this event but when grandpa Clive Davis calls the family together, there's no saying no.

Next came the bachelor party with Blake and the guys - and Blake's uncle Smokey Robinson. (Just go with it.) Then of course came the bachelorette party where Jordin and the girls and their cool aunt Gladys Knight had fun! I wonder how randy it got backstage. Gladys dishing about the Pips? (Bachelorette parties are typically rowdier than stag dinners.)

I mean no disrespect to the Oscar-winning deaf actress. She can go anywhere she damn pleases.

But, the thing is ... she's deaf.

UPDATE: MARLEE RESPONDS!

UPDATE: Don't forget to take my "Mo Wants To Know" poll on the reason behind deaf actress Marlee Matlin's appearance at last night's Idol. Click here!

Tonight Jordin will be crowned the 6th American Idol, for four reasons:

1. She is, as has been said over and over, the "whole package" - beautiful, with a terrific voice, plus she's got great teeth and lips. When she opens her mouth wide for the big notes, she's thrilling. (She stubbornly anchors herself to the standing mic, but so what? Her future is in recordings, not live concerts.)

2. She's multiracial. America's Melting Pot is a more complex ever, with far more than two "ingredients." Jordin's the Tiger Woods of Idol.

3. She got handed a gift with "This Is My Now," the original song written by the winning team from Seattle. It's a dopey song, but perfectly suited for Jordin's big notes. A disaster for Blake.

And perhaps most importantly...

4. She cried at the end of her song. She played the victor before any votes were even cast. (The equivalent of being crowned Miss America before the swimsuit competition.) This was a brilliant stroke on Jordin's part. She conditioned us all to see her as the inevitable winner before we even began dialing or texting.

It's a strategy that Melinda tried back in mid-March, weeping along with Paula at the end of her performance, prompting Simon to ask "why are you crying?" At the time I criticized Melinda strongly. I felt that the audience needed to be warned against a strategy clearly intended to circumvent the rest of the competition. Readers were furious with me, but I stand by what I wrote then. Melinda's chief miscalculation was that she played the winner, deployed these tactics, too early. Once the crying and the "Who, me?" surprise looks were called out by Simon, Melinda had to drop both - and the audience then decided she was boring.

Jordin's perfectly calibrated strategy will pay off. She played the winner - and shed the tears - just at the right moment.

As for Blake, the constant plaudits from the judges for his "creativity" never moved me. Isn't that what teachers and guidance counselors often say about special ed kids or troublemakers? "Ryan faces many challenges, but he's got such 'creativity.'"

American Idol is an institution in crisis. Ratings are down and the base is dispirited after a season that saw the integrity of the show threatened by VFTW and the ascendancy of Sanjaya.

Whom will the voters entrust to right the Idol ship and restore glory to the enterprise? Blake or Jordin?

UPDATE: Here's my take on who will be the next 'Idol' along with a commentary on Paula's dog and Phil Stacey and Chris Richardson's break with AI protocol.

And please take my "Mo Wants To Know" poll about deaf actress Marlee Matlin at last night's Idol.

Over the course of a single season an AI contestant's looks can improve markedly. We see this in the video obit played at the end of a loser's "journey". The contestant looks pale and zitty at their first local audition, when they walk into the small conference room at the Birmingham, Alabama Ramada Inn, lit poorly by fluorescent lights from above. By the time the obit plays to the strains of "I'm Goin' Home," the contestant has a healthy Peach Pit glow.

But the more startling changes happen season-to-season. We all remember Clay Aiken emerging from behind at last year's finale, looking like k.d. lang, to greet his desperate doppelganger, Michael Sandecki (aka Clay Faiken), while both sang "Don't Let The Sun Shine Down On Me." Sandecki became crazed. I wasn't sure if he was going to kiss Clay - or try to stab him. It was a terrifying "Single White Idol" moment. Luckily the robotic Ryan efficiently straitjacketed Sandecki and Clay was safe. (While being carted off afterward, Sandecki was heard pining, "I've always depended on the kindness of Seacrest.")

But Clay's transformation has been eclipsed by two others this year: Kellie Pickler's astonishing new jugs. And Elliott Yamin's new teeth, aka The White Cliffs of Dover.

So...

(Don't forget to take my poll on Elliott's new teeth and Kellie's new breasts. Click here!)

Analysts will rush to explain why Melinda's bid to be our next American Idol faltered tonight. But the dust needs to settle before we truly understand what went wrong.

Was it her age?

Was it what many called her fake surprise look from earlier in the season?

Was it her neck - or what some uncharitably called her lack of a neck? (Her purported necklessness was never verified by medical professionals. Her haircut in fact may have been to blame for a simple misperception.)

OR ... Was it her polish? Was Melinda too classy for America?

As evidenced by the videotaped homecoming, Melinda was indeed the most poised - and this may have been a liability in an America that demands that we let it all hang out.



Jordin wept throughout her homecoming as if she'd just returned from a POW camp. (The way she clutched her best friend Bailey, you'd think the two were sisters reunited after, say, the fall of the Berlin Wall.) Blake's homecoming was equally showy. His father, clearly an emotional dependent, cried that he'd lost his own parents as a boy; that Blake's success was some consolation for his own hardship.

Melinda was more self-possessed, dignified. She teared up, yes, but she kept it together, thanking her friends from Belmont. They thanked her for all she'd done. (Charity work? We don't know. Melinda's not the type to boast.) We've known for some time that Melinda's close to her mother. She's never mentioned her father. And yet her dad Steve was included (awkwardly) in several shots, Melinda putting the best face on what is likely a very uncomfortable situation. That's what modest, discreet people do.

And for this the American people punished her.

***

Other things I noticed:

Jordin's high school is Sandra Day O'Connor HS. Ironic since O'Connor was the critical swing vote in the Supreme Court's deliberations on abortion over the last 20 years. Now Jordin is in danger of being engulfed by the issue.

As much as I like Elliott Yamin - I endorsed his AI bid last year - I don't like his new teeth. But I don't mind the whole look. Almost a young Bob Dylan. Elliott is personally unassailable, as far as I'm concerned. Pure goodness.