Before tonight I'd grown weary of the American Idol death ritual: the Video Obit of the "journey" beginning with the contestant looking pallid and pimply (i.e., pre-makeover), singing a capella at the first audition... Simon looking pensive, maybe saying something cryptic before announcing "Welcome to Hollywood" ... then a tedious sequence of celebrity mentor hugs. (J. Lo really put on her best big sister act with all the embracing. Tony Bennett, not surprisingly, came off the most genuinely, with a dignified handshake for the men, hug for the women.)

All set to the overwrought "I'm Going Home." (The cruelest joke that could be played on me posthumously would be playing that song at my funeral. I'm amending my will to stipulate that there will be no Chris Daughtry music at my memorial.)

The group hug at the end of the song that the terminated contestant is forced to reprise is equally cloying, along with the declarations of lifelong friendship among the survivors. Give me a break. After this summer's tour, they'll all be at each other's throats. Chris and Blake will be battling over the same tween groupies. Chris Sligh will reconnect with his Bob Jones fundamentalist past and start relentlessly proselytizing, determined to "save" Sanjaya. A desperate Haley Scarnato will try to sleep with Clive Davis. And the constant crying of LaKisha's baby Brionne on the tour bus will only ratchet up the stress. (Will AI provide an au pair for Brionne? LaKisha should start lobbying now.)

[The following is an analysis of Tuesday's show. For my commentary on Wednesday's Results Show, click here.]

This was one of those episodes where everyone came out looking better. For me it started with Access Hollywood, where the troubled Ashley Ferl (last week's crying girl) was given a makeover. They hooked her up with with Lindsay Lohan's stylist and a makeup artist. By the time they finished tarting her up, she'd gone from looking like Jodie Foster in "Nell" to Jodie Foster in "Taxi Driver." (I think that's an improvement.)

I was skeptical of Gwen Stefani as coach - what with the over-the-top introductory infomercial - and the night's very nebulous theme (music that's inspired Gwen Stefani?). But I fell in LOVE with her by the end. She was warm to the contestants, clear in her advice and quite prescient. (She knew Chris would have trouble with tempo.) She's obviously very smart. She knows that maintaining a remote and icy hipster image would only leave her stalled in the 90s. Being nice is "now."

Quick takes: Haley disappointed with True Colors, though she looked luscious. Like a really hot hostess at Houston's. (Houston's by the way has an amazing Spinach and Artichoke Dip. Click here for the recipe.) Phil Stacey was only okay, though his wife seems very nice. She looks like Mary Lynn Rajskub from "24." Blake was very good. The camera held on his last exchange with Gwen, I suppose to suggest that they slept with each other afterward. That may account for Paula's rabid enthusiasm after his performance. (Don't be fooled, she's competitive.) Chris Richardson was kind of boring. In theory I like his "Friday Night Lights" grit but in reality it's just flat.