McGreevey

Spitzer

Call it The Great New Jersey-New York Governor Skank-Off. It's the fiercest and lewdest battle yet between the Garden and Empire States. Yes, history is being written - in hot oil.

The first shot across the Hudson was fired in 1979, when 70-year-old ex-Governor Nelson Rockefeller died under mysterious, but undeniably sexy, circumstances in the presence of his 26-year-old secretary Megan Marshak.

The message was clear: New York's Governorship was stronger and hotter. (Yes, he died. But give the guy credit: Megan was 44 years younger.) Poor New Jersey was just dirty. And not sexy Christina Aguilera Dirrty. (The sultry songstress was in fact born in Staten Island, teasingly close to NJ.)

Cut to August 2004 and spitfire NJ Gov. Jim McGreevey throws it down for the Garden State by declaring himself not only "a gay American," but hot enough to have turned his homeland security adviser Golan Cipel. Cipel was a member of the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF), in McGreevey's words "the best in the world." Nothing is supposed to distract these guys from their mission. Helen of Troy? Think McGreevey of Trenton.

New York was reeling. Did NJ's Governor really have wilder sex?

Then over the skies of Albany appeared a crusader, someone willing to get right in there: sexual dive bomber Eliot Spitzer. Even though he had an Anne Archer-smoking hot wife, he was eager to risk it all (career and clap) to save the reputation of NY's governorship. The Emperors Club VIP put the Empire State back on top. (The top part is unconfirmed.)

But Jersey struck back only days later. $80,000 for hookers? BFD! McGreevey and then wife Dina "Mary Lou" Matos had three-ways with driver and Chris O'Donnell lookalike Terry Pedersen. Boo-Yah!

But New York will not go down without making it clear that it goes down!! Indeed what could be more adventurous than the nation's first blind governor strolling into a Manhattan hotel to get it on with lady staffers not his wife? How sexually adventurous is New York Governor David Paterson? He and his wife are happy to report that they both had affairs. You don't need an abacus to count a four-way in there somewhere.

I'd rather not question Jim McGreevey's religious beliefs, but it does seem like odd timing for him to go into the Episcopalian seminary: he's currently embroiled in a custody battle with his ex-wife, Dina Matos, who wants their daughter raised Catholic. Her book charges him with deceiving her from the moment they met.

At worst the former governor is trying to trump his ex-wife in the religion department. (Who's more serious about their religion? Top this!)

But it could also be that McGreevey is trying to escape from the tumult, perhaps even from his partner Mark O'Donnell - who came off as super clingy from their first joint interview on Oprah.

Someone should remind him of what the Mother Superior told Maria in The Sound of Music: a convent is not a place to hide from life. He needs to face life head on, ford every stream and follow every, er, rainbow - even if climbing that mountain of legal bills proves a nightmare.

I'm not suggesting that McGreevey move to Austria and become a governess. (Acquiring a work visa for the EU is notoriously difficult. Plus the Von Trapps all moved to Vermont. And McGreevey doesn't play the guitar.)

But the Episcopalian religion has endured enough controversy. His fellow seminarians don't need the bad press.

Lastly, to put this story in context, if McGreevey had to model himself after a Sound of Music character, let's be glad he chose Maria. Imagine the caterwauling had he gone the way of Rolf and become a Nazi snitch. (By the way, am I the only person who hates the gazebo scene in the movie? Who cares if you're 17 going on 18?!)

So we hear that James McGreevey, the gay former governor of New Jersey, is joining an Anglican seminary in New York? This man, raised as a Roman Catholic, is entering a denomination whose American chapters are known for their enthusiasm for ordaining homosexual clergy. The church even has a gay bishop! My thoughts about why McGreevey is taking this unusual step? Do sing along with me.

Where the boys are, someone waits for me

A smiling face, a warm embrace

Two arms to hold me tenderly

Where the boys are, my true love will be

He's walking down some street in town

And I know he's looking there for me

--Connie Francis