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Meet Your New President, Mike Bloomberg
Good-bye, Iowa and New Hampshire. Thanks for leaving us with about a dozen "winners."Now the National Press Corps has got to act like they care about South Carolina, and even Nevada. There are rumors of people actually paying attention to the GOP primary in Michigan.
Assuming different people win the different upcoming primary/caucus contests, we'll still be left with Hillary, McCain, Barry Obama, Reverend Huckabee, Rudy "9/11" Reagan, Dr. Congressman Ron Paul and that one guy, the liberal from Massachusetts. Then it will be on to "Very Super Tuesday," when twenty states will join the primary fun and even Dennis Kucinich will probably win something, possibly Guam.
What does this mean? It means it's time for an all-new candidate to rise above our petty partisan politics or whatever and truly represent for the "little guy" and the "average American Joe." Obviously, we are speaking of multi-billionaire New York divorcee Mike Bloomberg.
Bloomberg's story resonates with all of us, because who doesn't know what it's like to be a nobody -- a nobody and also a very rich equity trader on Wall Street. He could've remained a nobody, of course, but Mike Bloomberg had dreams that reached the sky, even if he could barely reach the doorknob. With plucky determination, Mike turned his little tiny startup business-information software business into a media giant. And he finally got his $11.5 billion dollars, making him one of the 200 richest people on the entire planet.

As a result, he doesn't have to be "Democrat" or "Republican," although he was a Democrat for his whole life until he decided to become Mayor of New York, which is apparently a Republican job, so then he became a Republican.
But Americans have a legendary (and mostly false) "independent streak," so Bloomberg is now an Independent.
He will not need to raise any money to run. In fact, he has more than the Hillary and Obama campaigns right now, just in his pants pocket, in quarters.
What will life be like under your new Independent President, Mike Bloomberg? Experts say we'll like it a lot, because:
* No First Lady: Mike is single! You know how much everybody always hates the president's wife? Those days are done.
* No Air Force One: Mike rides the subway! (Sometimes.) Plus, he has his own fleet of limousines and corporate jets.
* No dumb questions about whether or not he worships the right Jesus: Mike is Jewish, plus he's not even religious! Problem solved, America!
* No more deficits: Mike is all about making billions of dollars. If "the company" (America) isn't making money, he'll just fire the slackers (the Americans).
* No more "cigar antics" in the White House: Mike is a non-smoker. Mike personally ended smoking in New York City, and those people used to smoke a lot! It was basically all they did. Now, no smoking at all.
Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette.com
Recent Comments
(Page 1 of 1)rallan littzi5:39PMJan 11th 2008
barock oboma wont pledge allegence to the american flag how can he even run for president
James6:34PMJan 11th 2008
rallan littzi5:39PMJan 11th 2008
barock oboma wont pledge allegence to the american flag how can he even run for president
-----------------------
Find a relevant topic to post your slander. That is a SICK sign is that you people feel the need to spew your hate anywhere you can freely type. There are REAL reasons not to vote for Obama. Find some.
Mr. Clark7:23PMJan 11th 2008
Ken Layne,
I'm going to have to go with Montgomery Burns on this one. Yeah, I know that it is kind of a bummer that Smithers will be lurking around...probably as First Lady.
But, Homer Simpson could wind up being Secratary of State. If that doesn't improve our image around the world, what will?
And, after all, who doesn't feel like Mr. Burns is part of the family? (At least we will all know where we stand in advance.)
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr. Clark
Mr. Clark7:29PMJan 11th 2008
Ken Layne,
Sorry about the typo...should have been "Secretary of State".
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr. Clark
James8:32PMJan 11th 2008
The "liberal from Mass" do you fear to state his name? Is it that much of your agenda to not include the man with the most republican votes to date who is the only completely conservative in the election? Fact is the only one who has always voted conservative is Mitt Romney. The only thing against his conservative-ness is when he was pro choice as a citizen (thinking the gov shouldnt be involved) then not being able to put pen to paper and sign a paper saying he was pro choice.. he coudnt impse that since he feels pro life. The only consistant conservative is left out in this way. The entire "political machine" site is so biased to the views of the writers (journalists being notoriously liberal) that it is so hard to get real facts. Good luck in promoting your agenda. For the record I am not republican. I am not a democrat. I am an American and will ALWAYS vote as one.
octnov7778:52PMJan 11th 2008
Obama needs to stop listening to Oprah. Oprah showed where her REAL PRIORITIES are when she decided to back Obama only because he is black.
It didn't take long for Obama to start crying "Racism". This is just the beggining folks!
Chris9:32PMJan 11th 2008
http://barackobamacandidate.org/
I read all of this and couldn't find one reason to vote for barack hussein obama James. Maybe you should read it to. It shows and tells all about this so dedicated american..and while you are at it...check out this about obama's church
http://tucc.org/about.htm
Chris9:36PMJan 11th 2008
This is from Barack Hussein Obama's church web site...is this what we want for a President of this country. Sounds to me like he supports Africa more. We need a president that will be willing to support the American people. Obama has made it clear more than once that he can not!
http://tucc.org/about.htm
About Us
We are a congregation which is Unashamedly Black and Unapologetically Christian... Our roots in the Black religious experience and tradition are deep, lasting and permanent. We are an African people, and remain "true to our native land," the mother continent, the cradle of civilization. God has superintended our pilgrimage through the days of slavery, the days of segregation, and the long night of racism. It is God who gives us the strength and courage to continuously address injustice as a people, and as a congregation. We constantly affirm our trust in God through cultural expression of a Black worship service and ministries which address the Black Community.
kiagsmith9:57PMJan 11th 2008
Chris,
Re: Obama's Church
This is the problem with substituting race with culture
Cultures often run on racial lines. For example, my church has a mixture of black, white, and hispanic individuals. We worship corporately together. However, we have a special latino service that allows latinos to worship along their culture lines if that makes sense. It also provides minsitry to the latino community because they have needs that are unique to their community.
To me that what that quote read. We worship God in a way aligned with African American culture and our ministries address issues and problems in the African American community. That is completely different from saying something crazy like "God only loves black folks."
America is I wonderful country and I love it's mainstream culture, but it is made of numerous subcultures. I have no problem with churches addressing these subcultures whether they be African-American, hispanic, jewish, italian, french, or south african.
Racism is defined as hating someone based on their race along. NOTHING about this preaches hate. Empowering a community doesn't equate to hate.
It's one thing to support another candidate, but it's completely unAmerican to purposely lie to help someone get elected. Real leaders don't have to get elected by doing such, and their supporters do not participate in such activity.
ashley jo3:11AMJan 12th 2008
You are a clever guy and that was very funny. I love the part about he will fire Americans.
BUT...Who are you calling a liberal? You already named rev. Huckabee & pork (y) McCain....they are the only liberals I know running on the Rep side>? However, they did not gov MA. So. I guess you had a small brain fart. I will forgive you...just this once though. I think you meant to say to the marvelous and vigorous Mitt Romney or at least that is what I would say.
Lord!!! If this goober becomes president and yes a billionaire can be a goober...I don’t think we will be the one building an immigration wall. Mexico will be erecting 100ft walls to stop all of us from running far... far.... far.... away. A guy who can not even decide which party to kiss butt and pander to,,,,, is not my ideal. Dang at least pick a side!
ChrisG7:55AMJan 13th 2008
Just an FYI: Bloomberg is a self-made billionaire, not an inheritor. His father never made more than $11k a year in his whole life. He came from a completely working class upbringing. Even as one of the wealthiest men in the world, Bloomberg still rides the subway to work each morning. Until one of the newspapers published a story about his phone during his second term of office, his personal home-phone number was still listed in the phone book.
http://www.RunMikeRun.com
It is informational, and contains statements by politicians from both parties, notable business leaders and others regarding a possible third-party run by Mike Bloomberg. It also contains some videos of interviews and others of Mike speaking on issues.
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Amy5:30PMJan 11th 2008
Yeah, let's elect as President another political opportunist, corporate executive BILLIONAIRE, who changes political parties like his underpants (daily, I hope) to clean up the economic mess created by Bush and his greedy corporate buddies...yeah, that makes a lot of sense (NOT!), only to talking hot air heads, like Lou Dobbs and Bill O'Reilly!