Meet Your New President, Mike Bloomberg

By Ken Layne
Jan 11th 2008 9:30PM

Filed Under:e2008 President, Ken Layne's Outrage, Michael Bloomberg

Ken Layne's OutrageGood-bye, Iowa and New Hampshire. Thanks for leaving us with about a dozen "winners."

Now the National Press Corps has got to act like they care about South Carolina, and even Nevada. There are rumors of people actually paying attention to the GOP primary in Michigan.

Assuming different people win the different upcoming primary/caucus contests, we'll still be left with Hillary, McCain, Barry Obama, Reverend Huckabee, Rudy "9/11" Reagan, Dr. Congressman Ron Paul and that one guy, the liberal from Massachusetts. Then it will be on to "Very Super Tuesday," when twenty states will join the primary fun and even Dennis Kucinich will probably win something, possibly Guam.

What does this mean? It means it's time for an all-new candidate to rise above our petty partisan politics or whatever and truly represent for the "little guy" and the "average American Joe." Obviously, we are speaking of multi-billionaire New York divorcee Mike Bloomberg.

Bloomberg's story resonates with all of us, because who doesn't know what it's like to be a nobody -- a nobody and also a very rich equity trader on Wall Street. He could've remained a nobody, of course, but Mike Bloomberg had dreams that reached the sky, even if he could barely reach the doorknob. With plucky determination, Mike turned his little tiny startup business-information software business into a media giant. And he finally got his $11.5 billion dollars, making him one of the 200 richest people on the entire planet.

As a result, he doesn't have to be "Democrat" or "Republican," although he was a Democrat for his whole life until he decided to become Mayor of New York, which is apparently a Republican job, so then he became a Republican.

But Americans have a legendary (and mostly false) "independent streak," so Bloomberg is now an Independent.

He will not need to raise any money to run. In fact, he has more than the Hillary and Obama campaigns right now, just in his pants pocket, in quarters.

What will life be like under your new Independent President, Mike Bloomberg? Experts say we'll like it a lot, because:

* No First Lady: Mike is single! You know how much everybody always hates the president's wife? Those days are done.
* No Air Force One: Mike rides the subway! (Sometimes.) Plus, he has his own fleet of limousines and corporate jets.
* No dumb questions about whether or not he worships the right Jesus: Mike is Jewish, plus he's not even religious! Problem solved, America!
* No more deficits: Mike is all about making billions of dollars. If "the company" (America) isn't making money, he'll just fire the slackers (the Americans).
* No more "cigar antics" in the White House: Mike is a non-smoker. Mike personally ended smoking in New York City, and those people used to smoke a lot! It was basically all they did. Now, no smoking at all.

Which Super-Rich Billionaire Should Make Himself President?



Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette.com

Recent Comments

(Page 1 of 1)
New Users

Current Users

Add your comments:

Political Machine Photo Galleries

Candidates' Favorite TV Shows
Democrats Debate in Las Vegas
Laura's Trip to Middle East
Political Sex Scandals
The Not-So Traditional 2008 Candidates
Al Gore's Ups and Downs
Spokespersons!
Candidate Spouses

Politics Video

Obama: McCain is 'dead wrong'

Obama: McCain is 'dead wrong'

Sen. Barack Obama targets Sen. John McCain, and talks about the potential of a joint ticket with Sen. Hillary Clinton. (May 9)
McCain's bearings in tact

McCain's bearings in tact

Sens. John McCain and Joe Lieberman speak to reporters in Jersey City, New Jersey. (May 9)
Clinton Keeps Going

Clinton Keeps Going

Despite overwhelming odds, Hillary Clinton is still in it to win it. CNN's Jessica Yellin reports. (May 9)
Street Team '08: Funny Peoples' Politics

Street Team '08: Funny Peoples' Politics

Laughing Liberally is an event in Manhattan where comedians can showcase their political humor. Produced by Sara Benincasa-Donnelly of Bew York for MTV's Choose or Lose Street Team '08 at chooseorlose.com. (May 7)
Indiana's late call

Indiana's late call

One Indiana county is under scrutiny after major delays in announcing voting results. CNN's Susan Roesgen has more. (May 7)
« See More Politics Video