Barack, Hillary & John Vs. the Flying Saucers

Ken Layne's OutrageThe desert metropolis of Phoenix was terrorized last week by sinister lights in the sky that hovered overhead while changing from a diamond shape to an "S" to a creepy cross. They were seen by air traffic controllers. The military denied involvement. Matt Drudge had the story at the top of his website. America panicked.

As the panic increased, a nameless "hoaxer" conveniently claimed responsibility -- balloons and burning flares were the cause of the unusual light show, he said. If so, the parched desert surrounding North Phoenix evaded a devastating wildfire, and with that the scare seemingly ended.

But what if the invasion had truly begun? Not the illegal-immigrant invasion from Mexico that the maverick John McCain supports, but an invasion by angry space monsters? Which of the three presidential front-runners is best prepared to lead our planet into a doomed war with the UFOs?

Let's be very clear: When the aliens do arrive, they are going to kill us all, and eat us. The end. So it's not really a matter of "Who can effectively lead our military forces against the Invaders," because nobody can. We are going to lose, and be eaten.

What's important is which candidate will make us feel better before we are killed and eaten. As we learned from the movie Starship Troopers, getting everyone into a patriotic pro-Earth frenzy is great for morale. And morale is, obviously, a key component of Consumer Confidence. And consumer spending makes up 70% of the United States' teetering economy. It could be decades before the Space Monsters kill the last human -- does American business intend to just give up, or will America proudly continue with its one mission of Making Money no matter how awful the eventual outcome?

Ronald Reagan knew about all this. Reagan personally saw several Alien Spaceships. He saw them from the ground and from the air. And our greatest president knew that when the Extraterrestrials were ready, all of our petty little Earth problems would be so quickly forgotten.

Addressing the United Nations General Assembly on September 21, 1987, Reagan brought this horrifying message to his international peers:

"In our obsession with antagonisms of the moment, we often forget how much unites all the members of humanity. Perhaps we need some outside, universal threat to recognize this common bond. I occasionally think how quickly our differences would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world."



Yes He Did. In fact, Reagan made similar comments about the coming Alien Apocalypse to former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and even to a group of American high-school kids. He was dead serious: We are going to die at the hands (or tentacles) of the Space Beasts. But Reagan kept smiling, and some Americans believed things were a little better, simply because he was a happy old man who generally had no idea what was going on.

We know where Dennis Kucinich stands when it comes to the Earth Invaders: He stood on the patio with Shirley MacLaine and saw the massive triangular demon ship and said, "Go ahead, invade our land, kill us all. We believe you are peaceful."

We know where Mike Gravel stands when it comes to the Space Monsters: He is one of them. Fortunately, he is one that was kicked off the mothership for being a nutter, so he's mostly harmless -- although he does eat other old people.

We know where Mike Huckabee stands when it comes to the Alien Terror: He says Jesus will save your soul. Fat lot of good that will do when the Alien Monsters are eating your head.

Of the remaining candidates, only Barack Obama has been directly confronted about the Moon Monsters in this campaign. At a debate last year, Tim Russert asked the Illinois senator if he shared Kucinich's belief in the Aliens.

"I don't presume to know," Obama said. "What I know is there is life here on Earth, and -- and that we're not attending to life here on Earth." That's Obama for you, always "changing" the subject.



Even though Hillary is currently avoiding the subject, she has a strong interest in the coming invasion, and both Clintons constantly talked about the Aliens and the UFO attacks during their time in the White House. They were
particularly obsessed with the movie Independence Day, which accurately shows how much of the invasion will happen, although there's a typically Hollywood "happy ending" that is nothing like the pain and horror we will all feel, soon.

What about John McCain? He certainly knows what it's like to be on the losing side in a war, and he survived gruesome treatment at the hands of his captors in Hanoi. Is John McCain man enough to be our planet's last American president? Let's hear it from the candidate himself:



Ken Layne is the editor of Wonkette.

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