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President Kerry to Run For 2nd Term

Editor's note: Tommy Christopher was found early this morning, lying naked and shivering, in a cooling molten crater on the Southbound side of the Garden State Parkway. Paramedics took him to an undisclosed hospital, where he is reportedly in an "unresponsive state."

Tom Fitsimmons, a spokesman for Mr. Christopher, has confirmed that the incident is related to his recent experiments with inter-dimensional travel.
Reporter: So, can we assume that you can't transport clothing or other objects to parallel universes?

Fitzsimmons: No, you can. You're thinking of the "Terminator" movies, that's time travel. We don't know what happened to his clothing.
An early witness on the scene noted that the catatonic, fetally positioned space-time traveller was clutching a document of some sort, along with a $1 bill with a picture of Jesus on it. The witness retrieved the documentbefore the authorities arrived, but spent the dollar bill on a Lotto ticket.

What follows is the content of that document, a news article entitled:


President Kerry to Run For 2nd Term

May 14 - 2008 With yesterday's win in the West Virginia Democratic Primary, President John Kerry has all but sewn up his party's nomination to seek a second term.

Despite facing an insurmountable Kerry lead, Vice President Hillary Clinton vows to fight on to the convention in Buffalo, NY, this August. Vice President Clinton had appeared to be coasting to victory, on the strength of her support among black voters and non-French Americans. Her campaign, however, was derailed by media inquiries into her claim to have won 3 Purple Hearts and a Silver Star while touring Bosnia with the USO.

President Kerry can now turn his attention to his general election opponents, Jeb Bush and Joseph Liebermann. Kerry has yet to select a running mate, but former VP John Edwards has already quashed rumors of a reconciliation, and current VP Hillary Clinton is busy lobbying prominent mathmeticians to recalculate the primary vote in her favor. Illinois Senator Barack Obama is on the short list, but many suspect he is still bitter about being tased at a Kerry campaign event. Kerry is expected to offer the post to New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.

This primary race has been unusual in a number of ways. An incumbent President rarely faces challengers from his own party, let alone his own Vice President and former VP. President Kerry's political capital, however, has taken some major hits since his election in 2004, even beyond the Republicans' uninterrupted impeachment effort that began on February 3, 2004.

Hopes for Kerry's presidency were high following his inauguration, as many saw, in Kerry, a strong centrist answer to the Bush administration's polarizing brand of politics.

The honeymoon was over quickly, as this exchange from Kerry's first Presidential press conference attests:
President Kerry: Sorry for the delay, I was in the rest room...

Jeff Gannon:Wait, so you were in the bathroom before you were out of it? Which is it, Mr. President?

President Kerry: Well, you se, Jeff, events which occur sequentially rather than concurrently can often lead to this kind of...
The press took Kerry to task frequently, providing valuable oversight and ensuring that Kerry did not unneccesarily end the US' occupation of Iraq. On one Presidential visit, Kerry rescued 2 wounded G.I.'s from a firefight, carrying them to safety on his shoulders, and the press quickly joined the debate among Republicans as to whether this constituted "cutting and running."

After Kerry's first attempt at a drawdown of troops, several reports of terrorist threats were leaked to the press. The public, frightened and confused, stood by as congressional Republicans, aided by the so-called Blue Dog Democrats, passed legislation establishing Congressional control over the occupation. Authored in amicus by George W. Bush, the "Fytin' 'em Over There Act of 2005" (FEOTA) passed the House and the Senate by a veto-proof majority.

Unable to get any of his agenda enacted, President Kerry took the Democrats into the 2006 mid-term election with just a single legislative accomplishment, a .30 per hour increase to the Federal Minimum wage. The measure passed when Kerry agreed to amendments eliminating overtime pay and introducing the "Jesus Dollar."

The Democrats were routed in the mid-terms, with the lone bright spot being the election to the Senate of Detroit Mayor Since then, the Republicans have enjoyed a veto-proof majority in both Houses of Congress, and have stalled every one of Kerry's judicial appointments.

Public dissatisfaction with Kerry is outstripped only by their outrage at the Republican-controlled Congress' ongoing effort to privatize police and fire departments.

The Democrats are hopeful about Kerry's chances in November. Despite his low approval ratings, he remains in a virtual tie with Bush and the upstart independent candidacy of Texas Congressman Ron Paul. Many analysts expect the popularity of Kerry's eventual running mate, Eliot Spitzer, to put him over the top.

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