Spain's socialist government - which has in recent years abandoned the Catholic Church, imposed gay marriage and cowered before world terrorism - has now charged ahead as the flag-bearer of a novel monstrosity of confused and distorted liberal philosophy. Though it bristles with outrage that Spaniards still cling to the Catho-superstitious notions that a 9 month child-in-the-womb might dare apply for the human right of life, the Spanish government has gleeful proclaimed the inalienable "human rights" to life and liberty ... of apes.

Legislation expected to pass in the near future would ban the use of apes in circuses and film (dashing the dreams of aspiring primate actors everywhere). More alarmingly, the law would also prohibiting all forms of animal testing (producing hopeful glances from Reese's monkeys, whose contributions to the polio vaccination will likely earn them a national day of mourning and a Holocaust-style Museum of Remembrance). Zoos will be permitted to retain their primate population, but the latter must immediately be provided with basic cable and weekly conjugal visits from the neighboring urang-utans. (Note: The union of Spanish fighting bulls is expected to appeal for similar rights as soon as they evolve opposable thumbs.)

As a vegetarian of 12 years, who refrained from eating meat produced in industrial farms due to moral disagreement concerning the treatment of animals therein, I deeply sympathize with Spain's underlying motivation. However, the philosophical error which has inspired this legislation is an inability to distinguish humanity from the animal kingdom. Human rights extend from the peculiar claim of humanity to intellectual reason and moral consciousness - perhaps more properly referenced as the soul, the image of God. If reduced to mere physical constructs, humanity would differ from animals only in degrees of genetic faculty. Absent an appreciation of humanity's distinction, house-cats might be institutionalized for bad behavior and bug-zappers may become the moral equivalent of landmines.

Animals do not possess rights, save insofar as human responsibilities toward them may be so construed. The rights and responsibilities accorded to humanity reflect the dues and duties demanded by our unique nature. Spain's legislative apotheosis of primates may prove the first attempt to establish a sub-species of humanity.